My girlfriend kissed another fella

[james197]

Hi all, I could do with some advice on this.

 

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months, she’s 22 and I’m 24. We seemed to have been getting on ok, she was pushing more for a relationship than I was when we were meeting up at first.

 

A few weeks ago she invited me out with some of her mates to celebrate her birthday. One of her best mates, a gay guy who’s been with girls before so I would say is bi-sexual, gave her a full on snog late in the night.

 

I was elsewhere in the bar at the time but did catch the end of it, like a second. I was a bit shocked and thought I must be imagining thing it was probably a harmless peck.

 

Let it at that anyway but a few days later she calls me and say friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella, her supposed gay friend the night we were out.

 

She was saying how she was hoping I was not annoyed over it and that it meant absolutely nothing and was just part of the night.

 

I asked her to call over to my place so we could at least talk. Didn’t really do much talking, I was just like good friends generally would kiss on the cheek etc., they would not go off having tonsil tennis.

 

We weren’t talking much anyway so she left. We texted each other a bit the next few days, she was texting me more than I was replying. She was texting stuff along the lines, I was a really lovely fella, it was just something drunken that meant nothing and that she was mad about me and felt we could get over it and have something strong. We then agreed to meet a few days later.

We met and talked for a bit, I made it clear I was not happy at all about what had gone on. From our discussion agreed we could possibly get over it and not end out relationship.

Though I’ve tried to continue on, I’m unsure if I can trust my girlfriend now. Snogging a fella when I’m there is the same bar seems totally something.. She has admitted that they have kissed each other before he turned gay. His boyfriend was there on the night.

 

It is obvious she’s mad about me and sorry about it but still, I don’t know..

At the end of the day I know I have to trust myself and do what I believe but I would appreciate some advice.

On our relationship: I had met her parents at her place and all.

 

On what happened: She said she'd forgotten about it til friends of hers mentioned it two days later.

 

She says she's mortified by it but that it meant nothing and was part of the night.

 

When we didn't talk one night when we agreed we had to, she was texting saying: look we need to talk properly about it.

She's says then though she'd prefer not to talk about it meant nothing and she would prefer not to make a big deal of it though she can see why it was for me.

Can I really trust this girl?

Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

[JLee26]

if he is gay most of the time, it probably meant nothing...a kiss, nothing more. Until something bigger happens, id just let it go.

[lkjh]

if he is gay most of the time, it probably meant nothing...a kiss, nothing more. Until something bigger happens, id just let it go.

 

Gay guys still hook up with straight girls. Its pretty common actually.

 

to the op, she cheated on you when you were right there. She did it in front of everyone and gets mad because you are angry about it. Why are you even asking this question. Just imagine what she is capable of doing behind your back

[james197]

Gay guys still hook up with straight girls. Its pretty common actually.

 

to the op, she cheated on you when you were right there. She did it in front of everyone and gets mad because you are angry about it. Why are you even asking this question. Just imagine what she is capable of doing behind your back

 

Yes, she snogged a guy when I was right there.

I've gotten mad at her and we have had some arguments about it.

I know, that's it, if I'm not there..

She's not exaclty getting mad, has been apologetic. Crazy stuff.

[GorillaTheater]

We all have our own boundaries, where are yours? Has she crossed the line?

 

Were it me, I might be able to let it go if she was drunk (maybe 50-50 on staying depending on how the good the relationship was otherwise, remorse, etc.). But there likely wouldn't be a second chance.

 

If she swapped spit sober? I'd be gone.

[Trialbyfire]

IMO, alcohol is an amplifier of existing traits v. altering your true nature, in that it lowers your will-power.

 

As a teenager, I've done some crazy shyte while under the influence. As an adult, you can barely tell that I'm feeling no pain. None included "snogging" someone else who's hetero/gay/bi/lesbian or cheating, no matter how blitzed.

 

I don't know if it's worthwhile to stay in a relationship with someone who can't handle their booze, nvm the inability to handle themselves. Unless they're capable of avoiding booze, the risk will always be there, especially if she's unhappy or bored, at any time during the relationship.

[GorillaTheater]

IMO, alcohol is an amplifier of existing traits v. altering your true nature, in that it lowers your will-power.

 

As a teenager, I've done some crazy shyte while under the influence. As an adult, you can barely tell that I'm feeling no pain. None included "snogging" someone else who's hetero/gay/bi/lesbian or cheating, no matter how blitzed.

 

I don't know if it's worthwhile to stay in a relationship with someone who can't handle their booze, nvm the inability to handle themselves. Unless they're capable of avoiding booze, the risk will always be there, especially if she's unhappy or bored, at any time during the relationship.

 

I understand. I may be cutting her too much slack on the drunk vs. sober thing based on the fact that she's 22. That's pretty young (at least to me) and I guess I'd expect some amount of f*cked up-edness while drunk at that age. But not much (hence my other factors).

[sxyNYCcpl]

The drama we force upon ourselves is sometimes mind boggling in the extreme.

 

A half-drunken kiss between long time friends? A completely meaningless event that has been assigned such importance that it now threatens the very existence of the relationship. Unless you truly believe that it may indicate she would prefer to be with him instead of you don't give it any more power than it deserves.

[lora22]

The other guy's sexuality doesn't matter. She made out with another dude. If she's the kind of girl that makes out with other guys (in front of her bf!!) when she's hammered, then uh...maybe she shouldn't drink so much out of respect for the relationship.

 

Her only redeeming quality, as far as I can tell, is that she brought up the subject with you after the fact, so it's not like she was trying to deny it or anything. However, she might have been picking up some weird vibes from you, and maybe that's why she brought it up.

 

Either way. She made out with another guy. If you got trashed and made out with another girl, would she be so understanding? Doubt it - I bet she'd kick your butt to the curb. She wouldn't wanna date someone that disrespected the relationship like that.

[Trialbyfire]

I understand. I may be cutting her too much slack on the drunk vs. sober thing based on the fact that she's 22. That's pretty young (at least to me) and I guess I'd expect some amount of f*cked up-edness while drunk at that age. But not much (hence my other factors).

Learned boundaries are meaningless, if the person doesn't live by them, regardless of alcohol or not. I think the strongest personal boundaries are created during foundational years or created through trauma, where people just "are" v. trying to enforce them.

 

If someone needs to battle themselves, to enforce personal boundaries, it becomes a slippery slope.

[GorillaTheater]

Learned boundaries are meaningless, if the person doesn't live by them, regardless of alcohol or not. I think the strongest personal boundaries are created during foundational years or created through trauma, where people just "are" v. trying to enforce them.

 

If someone needs to battle themselves, to enforce personal boundaries, it becomes a slippery slope.

 

I think you're talking about boundaries we impose on our own behavior. I'm talking about boundaries as what we'll accept as far as the behavior of others. I might accept a drunken kiss on the part of a 22-year-old gf. Sync quite likely would (and take pictures), others definitely wouldn't. It's an individual matter, and one for the OP to determine.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you're talking about boundaries we impose on our own behavior. I'm talking about boundaries as what we'll accept as far as the behavior of others. I might accept a drunken kiss on the part of a 22-year-old gf. Sync quite likely would (and take pictures), others definitely wouldn't. It's an individual matter, and one for the OP to determine.

I strongly agree with the bolded part.

 

On the otherhand, the OP has asked for advice and opinions so I'm giving mine to him, as are you.

 

External and internal boundaries aren't necessarily synonymous but go hand-in-hand, since both have an impact on self.

 

I wouldn't accept a drunken kiss from anyone, while in a relationship, unless it was a peck. Anything beyond that, particularly with active participation on the part of an SO, is totally unacceptable in my books.

 

 

This issue is three-fold:

1. It speaks loudly as to her natural inclinations, regardless of alcohol.
   
2. It speaks loudly of how she interacts with close friends and a lack of boundaries. It would concern me from the aspect of her relationship with other cross-gender "friendships".
   
3. She has difficulty handling her alcohol, so what else will happen while under the influence.
   

[james197]

I strongly agree with the bolded part.

 

On the otherhand, the OP has asked for advice and opinions so I'm giving mine to him, as are you.

 

External and internal boundaries aren't necessarily synonymous but go hand-in-hand, since both have an impact on self.

 

I wouldn't accept a drunken kiss from anyone, while in a relationship, unless it was a peck. Anything beyond that, particularly with active participation on the part of an SO, is totally unacceptable in my books.

 

 

This issue is three-fold:

1. It speaks loudly as to her natural inclinations, regardless of alcohol.
   
2. It speaks loudly of how she interacts with close friends and a lack of boundaries. It would concern me from the aspect of her relationship with other cross-gender "friendships".
   
3. She has difficulty handling her alcohol, so what else will happen while under the influence.
   

 

One night in a club, early when we met, she gave me a handjob!

[Trialbyfire]

One night in a club, early when we met, she gave me a handjob!

I'm guessing this is previous to entering an exclusive relationship with you. So...what do you think of her boundaries?

[carhill]

Yahoo, was that before or after she kissed you.....?

 

Seriously, might be time to reassess those boundaries....

[Dexter Morgan]

Can I really trust this girl?

Am I being foolish about the whole thing or crazy for giving her a second chance?

 

Here is the thing. If anyone would come to her defense and say it was harmless fun between her and a gay friend, it would be her girlfriends.

 

But they didn't. They actually chastised her for it. So if her friends can see that it was inappropriate, then it was. And even if they didn't call her and jump down her throat about it, it depends on you. If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.

 

I too thought if the guy was gay, they are just being silly and stupid. But even her own friends thought it wasn't right.

 

You might think about moving on. My guess is this girl has cheated before and her friends are tired of seeing her ruin good relationships with good guys. Best to be another one she has ruined and move on.

[mark982]

if that happen to me,she'd be history BUT those are my boundries.but what's she doing when you aren't there?

[james197]

Here is the thing. If anyone would come to her defense and say it was harmless fun between her and a gay friend, it would be her girlfriends.

 

But they didn't. They actually chastised her for it. So if her friends can see that it was inappropriate, then it was. And even if they didn't call her and jump down her throat about it, it depends on you. If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't.

 

I too thought if the guy was gay, they are just being silly and stupid. But even her own friends thought it wasn't right.

 

You might think about moving on. My guess is this girl has cheated before and her friends are tired of seeing her ruin good relationships with good guys. Best to be another one she has ruined and move on.

 

They haven't chastised her for it, they brought up what happened. They all, from what I can gather, have seen it as harmless.

 

My gf and that fella, they are good friends. Probably will always be awkward for me if the group is out.

[james197]

I'm guessing this is previous to entering an exclusive relationship with you. So...what do you think of her boundaries?

Yes, we were jsut meeting up, she was getting a good feel of my stomach under my shirt and her hands went lower and she had a good feel/stroke.

 

Yahoo, was that before or after she kissed you.....?

 

Seriously, might be time to reassess those boundaries....

 

It was after we kissed, we were kissing very passionately, been after a few drinks and its as I said above.

[boldjack]

James, are you and this girl exclusive? If you are, then dump her ass immediately. She can't be trusted. If you aren't exclusive, then you need to talk with her and set boundaries about behavior. No physical contact with other guys, EVER!! If she agrees, then make sure that she knows that being drink isn't an acceptable excuse, and if she violates these boundaries, you are finished. If she doesn't agree, then dump her and save yourself trouble. The whole thing about him being bi, or gay. The thing about her being drunk, and it being "part of the night'. These things are just bull**** excuses.

[mr.dream merchant]

Kid....this is why you don't date shorties like this. If she's jacking you off in the club (presumably before you barely knew her) then wtf would you commit to her? Wow. Anyways, its an iffy situation. Homeboy is gay, as far as you know, could be a cover up. I'd say get rid of the girl, too much drama.

[Dexter Morgan]

They haven't chastised her for it, they brought up what happened. They all, from what I can gather, have seen it as harmless.

 

Well, you said "friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella"

 

They were on to her? To me that means they were concerned. And if they weren't, and if it was "harmless", and the "on to her" was joking around, then it must have been quite a sight.

 

Well if what you NOW say is true, it doesn't surprise me that girlfriends of hers think it was harmless. Girlfriends of a gf would think it was harmless if she whipped out his d!ck and twirled it around.

 

 

My gf and that fella, they are good friends. Probably will always be awkward for me if the group is out.

 

You didn't really go into a whole lot of detail. Was this a makeout session? a peck on the cheek?

 

What REALLY happened? Can't make any determination on the "innocence" of what happened.

[Untouchable_Fire]

One night in a club, early when we met, she gave me a handjob!

 

What's that old saying about hos and housewives?

[james197]

Well, you said "friends of hers were on to her about how she snogged this fella"

 

They were on to her? To me that means they were concerned. And if they weren't, and if it was "harmless", and the "on to her" was joking around, then it must have been quite a sight.

 

Well if what you NOW say is true, it doesn't surprise me that girlfriends of hers think it was harmless. Girlfriends of a gf would think it was harmless if she whipped out his d!ck and twirled it around.

 

 

 

 

You didn't really go into a whole lot of detail. Was this a makeout session? a peck on the cheek?

 

What REALLY happened? Can't make any determination on the "innocence" of what happened.

 

Ok, sorry for my vagueness on this.

 

She met mates of hers a few days later and they were flicking through pictures of the night. One or two of the pictures were of her kiss with your man.

 

She’s says that was the first time she remembered what had happened on the night. She hoped I had not been annoyed over it if I had seen it. Says it was drunken behaviour, they were a bit mischievous, was part of the night and meant nothing.

None of her mates were concerned by it, they’d kinda laughed it off. One mate did ask me sometime on the night, “are you her boyfriend?” or something along those lines.

 

It started of a peck on the lips and went into a full snog.

[lora22]

Either she's your gf, and she shouldn't be making out with other guys (if she drunkenly gave that guy a hand job in the bar, or banged him and said, it meant nothing, would you be like, oh ok, well if it meant nothing then, alright?!), OR she's not your gf, but you're dating, which means it's incredibly rude, tacky, disrespectful and promiscuous to be making out with another guy in front of you.