Huge fight with b/f, says he needs time to think

[Bella Jordan]

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. We were both out having drinks at the bar where he works and, after one too many drinks on both of our accounts, we ended up arguing in public. Basically, I'd been feeling like he takes me for granted and hadn't bothered discussing it with him. And it all came out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. I know that he's been overworked lately and that we've both been stressed about our current employment situations, on top of trying to plan for our upcoming relocation. Now he feels that I've embarrassed him in front of his friends and colleagues, a mistake I also made just a few short weeks into our 7-month relationship that almost brought it to an abrupt end.

 

What he didn't know - and what I later told him when we were fighting back at home - was that yesterday marked 10 years to the day since I was raped. I hadn't discussed this with my boyfriend before. In fact, I've hardly discussed it with anyone outside of my therapist and my family. When I told him, he became angry that I didn't come to him with it before - especially, he said, since he'd been so open with me about his abusive childhood. And I received no empathy whatsoever - just anger. What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly.

 

We slept on opposite sides of the bed last night and, when I woke, I leaned over to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for my behavior. He told me that he loved me, but later said that he thought we should spend a couple days apart because he was "still angry" and because he "need[ed] time to think."

 

While I understand that I could have dealt with the issues at hand in a more constructive manner and at a more appropriate time, I also do not think that I should really regret anything I say or do when it comes to how I express myself emotionally to someone with whom I am in a relationship. I feel particularly unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about.

 

I also don't particularly like the idea of "time off." I understand that he may need time to cool down, but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

 

Thoughts??

[Vesaras]

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. We were both out having drinks at the bar where he works and, after one too many drinks on both of our accounts, we ended up arguing in public. Basically, I'd been feeling like he takes me for granted and hadn't bothered discussing it with him. And it all came out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. I know that he's been overworked lately and that we've both been stressed about our current employment situations, on top of trying to plan for our upcoming relocation. Now he feels that I've embarrassed him in front of his friends and colleagues, a mistake I also made just a few short weeks into our 7-month relationship that almost brought it to an abrupt end.

 

What he didn't know - and what I later told him when we were fighting back at home - was that yesterday marked 10 years to the day since I was raped. I hadn't discussed this with my boyfriend before. In fact, I've hardly discussed it with anyone outside of my therapist and my family. When I told him, he became angry that I didn't come to him with it before - especially, he said, since he'd been so open with me about his abusive childhood. And I received no empathy whatsoever - just anger. What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly.

 

We slept on opposite sides of the bed last night and, when I woke, I leaned over to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for my behavior. He told me that he loved me, but later said that he thought we should spend a couple days apart because he was "still angry" and because he "need[ed] time to think."

 

While I understand that I could have dealt with the issues at hand in a more constructive manner and at a more appropriate time, I also do not think that I should really regret anything I say or do when it comes to how I express myself emotionally to someone with whom I am in a relationship. I feel particularly unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about.

 

I also don't particularly like the idea of "time off." I understand that he may need time to cool down, but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

 

Thoughts??

 

mmm, I can't say that this is what he's thinking for sure, but it could be that he felt like you didn't trust him enough to talk to him about your past, especially since he did discuss his childhood with you. I'm not saying it's your fault either. Like you said, both of you were stressed out, which could have blown things out of proportion and he just needed some time to cool down so he would not do something he would regret later on.

 

Now, you also said, "What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly."

 

I think that sort of ties in with the feeling of not being trusted enough beforehand. I think that if you two had discussed it under different circumstances, as in calmly and seriously, and not in the midst of a fight, he might've had the reaction that you wanted, rather than had his anger perpetuated.

 

Anyways, like I said before, I cannot guarantee that this was what went through his head that night. Purely speculation

[Bella Jordan]

I think you're absolutely right, and thank you so much for your insight! I'm struggling with this so much right now. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone, and he's loved me and been good to me in a way that I've never experienced. I loathe confrontation and avoid it at all costs, and I'm terrified that this is an insurmountable obstacle. I just have to hold on to the belief that he really DOES still love me and that, once the anger subsides, he will want to work this out.

[robinincarolina]

Give him the space. I know it feels unnatural to you right now, but he is a man and they think a whole lot differently than we do. He needs to calm down and chances are it will work in your favor. Agree with his decision. It will tell him that you accept his feelings and make him more apt to come back and open up to you more. Then he will explain why he was angry you didn't tell him and then you can have the opportunity to share your feelings as well. Timing is everything with a man. Do it at the wrong time and you will not get the results you want.

 

I have been in a very similar situation where I waited til later than sooner to share something very significant. He angered, I let him walk, he came back in a few weeks and everything worked out.

 

Think what you want long term, not what you want today. Today you want to work it out and feel better. You may have to suffer a bit to get good long term results, but think of your end goal. Sometimes we are so busy trying to make ourselves feel better that we forget that our partners have emotions as well. Does that make sense?

[Bella Jordan]

It does make a lot of sense, actually. And yes, giving him space does feel completely unnatural, but I DO want to respect his wishes as I know not doing so will only push him further away. I just worry that having wounded his ego before if this is something he is willing to work through. I'm trying to be optimistic but can't help but obsess over the worst case scenario. I just don't know what to think or what to expect.

[WTRanger]

I echo the advice here, give him his space. I wouldn't worry too much about his ego being bruised. Take it from a guy, we're a lot like dogs. You can yell at us, hit us with the newspaper, we'll run under the table and hide but sooner or later we'll be right back trying to hump your leg.

 

It was a big fight, but you'll get through it. Just have patience.

[Bella Jordan]

Thanks so much for your advice. I'm trying really hard to stay positive... to believe that he does still love me and that, after he's cooled down and the anger has subsided, we will be able to get through this.

[likestolaugh]

dropping a bomb about having been raped is pretty damn huge. I mean, that's just MASSIVE (or would be to me anyway)... and thus everybody reacts differently to stuff like this, and alcohol doesn't help the reaction. I wouldn't worry about it, but do try and talk with him about it when things are calmer... one of the most important things in a relationship is trust, and he has to feel that you trust him (if you actually do, that is).

[Mycroft]

I'm thinking that he was upset because in the middle of a fight you dropped a bomb like that and basically ended the argument. He says he was angry for you not telling him earlier, but if I was arguing with a woman and she brought up something like this mid argument it would feel like an "excuse" for her behavior. I know its a horrible horrible thing that im sorry you had to go through, but in his mind and mine it was unrelated to the argument at hand, and was a round about way to win or dominate the argument. How many times have you seen a woman do something wrong in a relationship then by the end of the argument the guy is apoligizing for stuff that was not his fault. We can often feel the one-sided ness of things and I guess this is the case here.

[carhill]

Good chance he sensed the distance prior, though not cognizant of the impetus for it. A sudden revelation brought both shock and also understanding to his awareness and perhaps injured the trust he had/has in your true intimacy. He's now processing that.

 

IMO, if he was emotionally available prior, he'll want to reconcile this and move forward; he'll also likely want more openness and immediacy about such intimate subjects, as he's been with you about his childhood.

 

I would suggest taking this time to reflect upon yourself and the true dynamic of this relationship and your part in it.

 

Hope it works out

[Els]

Give him the space. I know it feels unnatural to you right now, but he is a man and they think a whole lot differently than we do. He needs to calm down and chances are it will work in your favor. Agree with his decision. It will tell him that you accept his feelings and make him more apt to come back and open up to you more. Then he will explain why he was angry you didn't tell him and then you can have the opportunity to share your feelings as well. Timing is everything with a man. Do it at the wrong time and you will not get the results you want.

 

I have been in a very similar situation where I waited til later than sooner to share something very significant. He angered, I let him walk, he came back in a few weeks and everything worked out.

 

Think what you want long term, not what you want today. Today you want to work it out and feel better. You may have to suffer a bit to get good long term results, but think of your end goal. Sometimes we are so busy trying to make ourselves feel better that we forget that our partners have emotions as well. Does that make sense?

 

Extremely inspirational post! That hit the nail on the head with my current relationship problems as well. Thank you for sharing.

 

OP, my gut reaction when I read your post was the same as yours. OMFG you'd been raped, you feel horrible about it and that's why you didn't want to talk about it, and your bf got mad at you instead?! I'd feel the same way too. But I agree with Robin, the best thing to do would be to leave it for now.

[Bella Jordan]

Extremely inspirational post! That hit the nail on the head with my current relationship problems as well. Thank you for sharing.

 

OP, my gut reaction when I read your post was the same as yours. OMFG you'd been raped, you feel horrible about it and that's why you didn't want to talk about it, and your bf got mad at you instead?! I'd feel the same way too. But I agree with Robin, the best thing to do would be to leave it for now.

 

Thanks, Elswyth. I am doing exactly as Robin suggested and giving him his space. I haven't called, text, etc. It's incredibly difficult and I feel sick to my stomach not knowing what's going to happen. I just keep telling myself that even after everything was said and done, he DID tell me that he loved me this morning and that, if he really DID intend to end our relationship, he would have done so last night.

[Admiral]

Don't bring up the rape, ever again (to your partner.)

 

He doesn't want to hear about it, it's in the past. If you can't forget about it and you keep mentioning it to him, as an excuse for bad behaviour or not, then you aren't relationship material.

[Mahatma]

Don't bring up the rape, ever again (to your partner.)

 

He doesn't want to hear about it, it's in the past. If you can't forget about it and you keep mentioning it to him, as an excuse for bad behaviour or not, then you aren't relationship material.

 

This is absurd.

 

If it is just a "fling," then sure you could leave the whole rape thing out of it. If you guys are serious and have been dating for 6+ months, I think it is something that needs to be out there.

[xpaperxcutx]

Don't bring up the rape, ever again (to your partner.)

 

He doesn't want to hear about it, it's in the past. If you can't forget about it and you keep mentioning it to him, as an excuse for bad behaviour or not, then you aren't relationship material.

 

Are you kidding me? She told him in confidence, and he blew it out of proportion. If anything, the bf should be the one giving her space for the ordeal she went through. She doesn't owe him an apology. He should be the one apologizing for the outburst.

[dreamergrl]

Don't bring up the rape, ever again (to your partner.)

 

He doesn't want to hear about it, it's in the past. If you can't forget about it and you keep mentioning it to him, as an excuse for bad behaviour or not, then you aren't relationship material.

 

Way way off. Being raped is extremely traumatic, and is likely to have had a HUGE impact on OP's life, and maybe in the future. How do you expect one to forget about being raped??

[carhill]

Great example of where learning how to fight in a healthy way pays off. The OP revealed shocking and sensitive information in the midst of a fight/argument, likely about a completely different circumstance and/or subject, and apparently expected her man to just switch off his anger and go into empathy mode. Newsflash! No one, not man nor woman, is wired with such a switch. In addition, think about how men are socialized. Empathy and compassion are generally seen as weakness in a man's world, and men have to learn to switch it on and off depending on circumstances.

 

If the OP had revealed such information under different circumstances, her man's response likely would have been different. He bears responsibility for his response; she bears responsibility for the timing of her revelation. When both parties are thinking only of their own feelings and showing little to no empathy for their partner, such results as outlined here can be expected. The OP alluded to this dynamic in her initial posting, where she noted that she had "embarrassed him" in public prior, early in their R, and then again the night of the revelation. If you think all of that wasn't/isn't on his mind, think again. He's analyzing the health of the relationship and their compatibility right now. I know I would be.

[Bella Jordan]

Just to update you all, I received a text from my boyfriend late last night/early this morning stating, "I am home safe just so you know." I always ask him to let me know when he gets home after work (he's a bartender), as does he whenever I'm out with girlfriends, traveling, etc. I responded that I was glad and that I appreciated him letting me know.

 

Hopefully, this is a good sign??

[Bella Jordan]

I received a call from my boyfriend last night letting me know that he had made it home safely. (As I believe I mentioned before, I have always asked that he just give me a quick call or text to let me know that he's made it home after work each night.) I thanked him, and he responded that he knew I'd worry so he was willing to oblige. I told him that I missed him; he said he new and that he was just still angry and thought he still needed some time. We continued to communicate over the course of half an hour. What I discovered is, at the most basic level, he feels humiliated because we argued in front of his colleagues, friends and patrons, and that the fact that they're still approaching him and asking about what happened continues to embarrass him. He says he's angry that he begged me to drop it both at the bar and back at home (though he seems to forget that I asked him more than once for us to leave and go home to discuss things like civilized people.) I tried to validate his feelings by telling him that I'd be angry too, and that he was more than entitled to some time to cool down. However, I also expressed my concern about establishing open-ended time and asked him if we could at least agree to a day on which to meet and work on things. He said he could not, as he didn't know how long it would take him to get over the anger. I'm just very frustrated, because I feel like each time we argue, the making up has to take place on HIS terms and with consideration for HIS feelings alone, regardless of who is at fault. In the end, I told him that I would give him the time he requested and that he knew where to find me if and when he decided he wanted to talk. He thanked me and told me that he loved me. I asked him if he thought we would be able to get through this; he said he "hop[ed]" I ended the conversation by merely asking him to try to avoid a breakdown in communication because I was concerned that the longer this period of limited contact continues, the less likely we are to work things out. He promised me that he would, and then thanked me again for respecting his need for space.

 

Did I handle this correctly? I'm just so worried that in a moment of anger I lost my temper and my coping mechanisms with my boyfriend and that, in doing so, I have destroyed all hope.