Vesaras Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Alright, so... my situation right now is one where I've recently started dating this girl that I've known for about 6 years. We're comfortable enough with eachother to be able to talk about pretty much anything, and we couldn't be happier. Now...we decided to tell our parents since we both still live at home, granted I'm 18 and she's 17 (we're seniors in high school, graduating next week). Anyways, my parents are perfectly fine with it, but it turns out her parents flipped out. Her parents have heard her talk about me over the past 6 years, and apparently have no issue with me personally. They simply oppose her dating without the GUARANTEE of marriage. Reasoning with them also does not work according to my girlfriend (she's tried multiple times). Oh, by the way, we're both asian so that isn't exactly an unreasonable way for her parents to act. They're quite the stereotypical asian parent types. Alright, so, we've pretty much had to resort to dating without her parents approval, because, quite honestly, neither of us are willing to give anything up. Now then, her parents pretty much attempt to keep us separated in any way possible. They check her cell phone bill (which lists numbers she's called and what not), they basically refuse to let her leave the house without them, etc. etc... She can't even go online and talk to me through AIM or anything without her parents barging in and telling her to get off the computer. So...that's pretty much the situation, anyone have any kind of suggestions? If there's something more you need to know about, just ask. We're at our wits end.
2sure Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Wow. That concept does seem foreign. Nevertheless, while she is living in her parents house and is dependent upon them - thier values and rules have to be respected. Right or wrong. Sounds like she will have to wait to date until she goes away to college or moves out.
Author Vesaras Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Wow. That concept does seem foreign. Nevertheless, while she is living in her parents house and is dependent upon them - thier values and rules have to be respected. Right or wrong. Sounds like she will have to wait to date until she goes away to college or moves out. well...that's just the thing...they don't really have a rule for her not to date. They're letting us date technically, but doing everything in their power to not let us see eachother...it's REALLY odd. And they're reasons for doing so, according to my girlfriend...all contradict eachother. It feels like they have no reason to be doing what they're doing
Lucky_One Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Have they met you? I can't figure out how they have only heard her talk about you, but you have dated. Don't you pick her up at her house for dates? If not, then it sounds like you need to go back to a traditional form of dating. Go to her home. Meet her parents. Hang out there. Watch movies. Play Monopoly with the entire family. Play chess just with her. Play Mah-jong (sp?). Help her dad mow the yard. Volunteer to paint their fence with your GF. Let them get comfortable with you. A large part of their discomfort may come from the fact that BOOM! Daughter has a BF that she has been dating without their knowledge. But whatever you do, don't sneak around behind their backs. If you are old enough to be in an adult situation, then act like an adult.
OverThinker Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Have they met you? I can't figure out how they have only heard her talk about you, but you have dated. Don't you pick her up at her house for dates? If not, then it sounds like you need to go back to a traditional form of dating. Go to her home. Meet her parents. Hang out there. Watch movies. Play Monopoly with the entire family. Play chess just with her. Play Mah-jong (sp?). Help her dad mow the yard. Volunteer to paint their fence with your GF. Let them get comfortable with you. A large part of their discomfort may come from the fact that BOOM! Daughter has a BF that she has been dating without their knowledge. But whatever you do, don't sneak around behind their backs. If you are old enough to be in an adult situation, then act like an adult. I Agree and if her parents have this traditional Idea whatever it may be, you could ask them for permission to date their daughter. Something like "As you know your daughter and I have been friends for a long time and I would like the oppertunity to pursue a relationship with her." If you guys stay together for the long term make sure you ask their permision before you propose as well, Thats just making the point. Good Luck to you
Els Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Wow. I thought my parents were bad with their 'don't be alone together with a guy before you're guaranteed of marriage, otherwise it'll tarnish your reputation' thingy. I think Lucky One's suggestion is good -- try to impress her parents the traditional way. If they still refuse though, frankly you both aren't minors any more so you should do what is best for you. If you have truly tried everything, they refuse to compromise, and she is dependent on them for her livelihood, I certainly wouldn't fault you both for doing it behind their backs. I would advise her to do all she can to be independent of them ASAP though, for her own sake. Goodness only knows I've done the same out of necessity before. If I'd listened to my parents like a good girl I'd be sitting at home everyday reading the Bible for hours, would have never hung out with friends past sunset, would not even have had any friends out of the church, would have never experienced the warm arms of someone whom I loved and who loved me in return. Either that or I would have ended up on the streets a homeless beggar. If I'd lived in an ideal world with reasonable parents, I would certainly have been honest. As it is, I had the choice of not being honest or never experiencing life til I had a stable income that I could support myself with. A difficult choice, but I chose the former -- I had to. All the best to you both. I'm sure you can both think of creative ways for her to leave the house, that her parents would approve of. AIM IDs can be changed; feign being a female if you have to. Worst come to worst, if she tells her parents that she doesn't want to date anymore, they'll probably let down their guard -- they do let her go out with friends at least? Please let me reiterate that this should be the last possible measure, if everything else fails. It sounds unethical, but I personally could never find a way around that myself, save to sneak around and plan to attain independence ASAP. I really hope you guys do.
Author Vesaras Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 hey, so it's been about a month and i figured i'd do a little update...so i took everyone's suggestions and attempted to impress her parents by doing all the little things suggested...or rather..offering to. Now then, the issue would be that her dad pretty much refuses to have me ANYWHERE near their house, regardless of reason. I even directly asked him if i could take her out a few times, and he would always make up some random excuse to say no. Again...apparently they dont hate me...they just dont like the idea of dating without the guarantee of marriage...so...unfortunately...we dont really see any other option besides sneaking around...dont get me wrong, the two of us would rather not have to...but we've seriously run out of ideas dont suppose anyone has some feedback/suggestions?
Ariadne Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 dont suppose anyone has some feedback/suggestions? Hey, You can write each other letters and talk like that. Kind of like Dorothy Osborne and her soulmate did for 7 years. Her parents wouldn't let her marry him because he didn't have enough money, and his parents wouldn't let him marry her for the same reason. They both wanted bigger better deals. So they had to write letters. (That happened in the year 1,653 though, and eventually they got married, but you need dedication and patience for that).
xpaperxcutx Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 hey, so it's been about a month and i figured i'd do a little update...so i took everyone's suggestions and attempted to impress her parents by doing all the little things suggested...or rather..offering to. Now then, the issue would be that her dad pretty much refuses to have me ANYWHERE near their house, regardless of reason. I even directly asked him if i could take her out a few times, and he would always make up some random excuse to say no. Again...apparently they dont hate me...they just dont like the idea of dating without the guarantee of marriage...so...unfortunately...we dont really see any other option besides sneaking around...dont get me wrong, the two of us would rather not have to...but we've seriously run out of ideas dont suppose anyone has some feedback/suggestions? My mom is like that, except she has a rule about me not dating outside my race. Asian parents are very protective, and in this case they are the very traditional kind that probably believe in arrange marriages. I would advice against sneaking around with each other as an option because if the parents ever find out, they will dislike you completely. Have you considered having a large family dinner with both your parents? Usually having a set of parents meet the other sets up an impression and lets them know how you were raised. You sound very respectable, and most asian parents like the boy their daughter is dating to be filial.
Author Vesaras Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 My mom is like that, except she has a rule about me not dating outside my race. Asian parents are very protective, and in this case they are the very traditional kind that probably believe in arrange marriages. I would advice against sneaking around with each other as an option because if the parents ever find out, they will dislike you completely. Have you considered having a large family dinner with both your parents? Usually having a set of parents meet the other sets up an impression and lets them know how you were raised. You sound very respectable, and most asian parents like the boy their daughter is dating to be filial. the fact that they are traditional and incredibly protective has crossed our minds, but there really isnt all that much we can do about their personalities...as to the dinner thing, it does sound like a good idea, the only problem is her parents literally want NOTHING to do with me. On the VERY few occasions i've talked to them, mostly because they avoid me like im diseased, they always ended the conversations very abruptly and quickly...pretty much wanting to get away from me...and yea...we definitely dont WANT to sneak around, we just dont really know what else to do besides that. it's a topic of discussion we have pretty much everytime we see each other, and we brainstorm to no end. At this point in time, we dont really see any method besides waiting it out. This idea is kinda based on our assumption that her parents may just not want her getting attached to someone right before we have to go to different colleges, incase it distracted her from her studies. If this is the case, all she has to do is show them good results in the next semester or year, which shouldnt be a problem since she's incredibly smart hahaha. well, thanks for the input, it's much appreciated.
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