kcpittzer19 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 My boyfriend was in a 6 year relationship, bad breakup. A year goes by and he meets me and we are happy together and he told me he is head over heels in love with me. But he's been getting these dreams here and there lately, about his ex. Nothing sexual, but she's in them, one he told me about that her and her current boyfriend are in it and so am I. He gets really sick to his stomach worrying about why he's having dreams with her in them. He confessed that he thinks he might still secretly have something for her still but still is in love with me and wants to be with me. Luckily she lives half way across the U.S. now but it still bothers me and worries me on why he thinks he still feels this way when he says he hates her though. How can we deal with this situation so we can grow together instead of me feeling like I have to compete for his love against someone who isn't even really a threat?
darksky Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hmm.. i think everyone at some point dreams about people who have been in their lives and sometimes its for no particular reason. Maybe something reminded him of her during the day and so it came to him in the dream?? But if its happening regular then to me it means he has been thinking about her. If it was me I would just give it a bit more time and see how it pans out. It maybe just a passing thing that goes away. If however he keeps having these dreams over and over then that is strange and its obvious he still has feelings for her. When he says he "hates" her.. I would take it with "a pinch of salt". My ex apparently hated her ex, until she ran off with him! Try not to make a big deal of it though, its probably nothing, and I suspect it will pass. If it continues, ask him if he still has strong feelings for her, if he says yes, then you need to make a decision about whether you can put up with that or not. The biggest thing here is that he actually told you about it.. which generally suggests he's genuine and isn't trying to hide anything. If he really wanted his ex and was unhappy being with you then do you think he would tell you he was having dreams about her? I doubt it. Hope it all works out.. give it a few weeks and if he still has these dreams/thoughts then do what you need to do for yourself because you shouldn't have to deal with it. good luck
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think it's natural and nothing to worry about. Be glad he is being honest with you.
darksky Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 He confessed that he thinks he might still secretly have something for her still but still is in love with me and wants to be with me. Sorry, i just read the post again and noticed this part... to me that sounds wierd! How can he SECRETLY have something for her? Secretly from himself or from you? He either does or he doesn't still hold feelings for her, and im possitive he knows the REAL answer to that! Sounds like he does have something for her and is possibly trying to let you know out of guilt or whatever.. well thats another way of looking at it I guess.
Author kcpittzer19 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 He said that if she were to move back here and asked him to take her back he wouldn't. He's always been 100% honest with me and he just can't figure out why he's having these dreams with her in them. I explained to him that for a relationship that long and the fact that they were engaged when she left him, he obviously loved her and that no matter how much you dispise someone (she cheated on him and took off to move out of state with the guy) that you will still have a little love for them because they were a big part of your life. I understand all of that but I guess I'm more worried about if he has her/their relationship on this throne and nothing would compare to it because our relationship is very much different than theirs was. I did find another website with some advice that has also helped me trying to figure this all out. I appreciate the insight and I am going to not worry about it so much as I have been the last few days. I think he needs to really put the past behind him where it belongs, and pick up with today, the present and go from there.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I had dreams for several years about my ex. While I still had some romantic feelings, I more had some unresolved anger about how things ended with us. In my dreams I worked out those feelings and I never actually had to confront or return to my ex to resolve things. I was able to spend time with my ex in my dreams, and still maintain developing my new relationship. For me, it felt like a healthy way to process old feelings. I would be grateful that your boyfriend is being open about his experience. I suggest reassuring him that it's ok to have these dreams and that you are supportive of him working out any "secret" desires he might still have in his dreams. It will relieve his anxiety about the dreams and I think that having your support to work through his feelings will bring him closer to you.
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