l0stMike Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I didn't think I'd be posting here again. Honestly. About three weeks ago I asked all of you if I should text my ex of two years on her birthday. The collective populace said no. I took everyone's advice and did just that. I felt strong and empowered the next day even though I don't care much about what happened between us anymore. Thank you for that. Really. Lo and behold, I was jerking around on Facebook last night and saw that someone had requested me as a friend. I met a bunch of people this past weekend (other girls, mind you) so I figured it was someone that I forgot to friend stalk the next day. I clicked the link, and it read: "You have a friend request from: (My ex's name)" I'm not saying my jaw dropped or anything as some time has passed now, but I certainly didn't expect to see that name. My heart did begin to furiously pump blood, however, just because of the mental and emotional trigger her name emcompasses. I didn't act on it or anything like that though. I just sat there staring at the screen. I'm not sure of the complete age range of people on this board, but I was 19 when Facebook was publicly spreading in 2004. Any action or reaction on Facebook is now considered "serious public business" for my age range as my generation was its initial target audience. With that said, the request is still pending as I write this post. That's why I wanted to come here and vent for a minute. I heard last weekend she was dating some guy. "Great," I said without enthusiasm as I don't really care to know or hear what she's doing. I also know that her older sister is getting married in three weeks, and my ex is naturally the maid of honor. My immediate analysis was that she expected me to give her a shout on her birthday as I chased this girl for a year after we broke up and texted/called her on her last birthday like a moron. I also feel that she is burdened with love-related emotion given that her sister is getting married. What I can't figure out is why on God's gracious green earth she is trying to rebuild the bridge that we mutually burned over the last two years. If she has a new guy, which I haven't and will not make a point to personally confirm, "what the f#ck do you want?" I doubt she has heard how I've been either as our mutual friends stopped gossiping about us a long time ago. I have been excelling in all areas of my single life lately, without her. If you read my threads over the last two years, this is a drastic change from the original person I came here as. To people like CaliGuy, although I thoroughly despise your bubble-bursting techniques, you were right. It does get better. Life does go on. Other girls do want to bone. Maybe she caught a whiff. I still have a friend request to answer though. It's not as big of a decision for me as it was a year ago, but it's still an interesting one. Don't bother with the "get a gym membership" and "focus on yourself, you don't need her" cliche responses. I'm about 95% sure that I am more ripped and tone right now than those of you who brush off people's threads with those kinds of responses. Please only comment if you have something constructive to say. That is a benefit of losing the one you love. I took out my rage on the equipment at the gym.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 With that said, the request is still pending as I write this post. That's why I wanted to come here and vent for a minute. Mr "Bubble-buster" here. I say you sit on the reqest for a couple of weeks. What's that compared to what you've already gone through? I doubt she has heard how I've been either as our mutual friends stopped gossiping about us a long time ago. I have been excelling in all areas of my single life lately, without her. If you read my threads over the last two years, this is a drastic change from the original person I came here as. To people like CaliGuy, although I thoroughly despise your bubble-bursting techniques, you were right. It does get better. Life does go on. Other girls do want to bone. When people first come to LS, they don't want to hear the realities of what a breakup really is. It means IT'S OVER. Nobody wants to hear that and I was the same way. It's not that I like popping people's bubbles as much as I consider it "Tough Love". I don't spend my time on LS giving advice to people to be a d*ck. I do it to help them avoid the pure HELL I went through. And I have admitted publicly that even *I* have trouble taking my own advice. The heart makes us do crazy, strange things. If we simply take the energy we focus on the ones who leave us and put it back into us, we'd heal faster, be happier sooner and meet someone better for us, much quicker than we normally would. I still have a friend request to answer though. It's not as big of a decision for me as it was a year ago, but it's still an interesting one. Only you can decide what is right, but keep in mind how she treated you and ask yourself "Does she deserve my friendship?" before you press the accept button. And PM me her info so I can see if she's cute or not Don't bother with the "get a gym membership" and "focus on yourself, you don't need her" cliche responses. I'm about 95% sure that I am more ripped and tone right now than those of you who brush off people's threads with those kinds of responses. Please only comment if you have something constructive to say. That is a benefit of losing the one you love. I took out my rage on the equipment at the gym. Ah now see, I never have given that advice without taking it myself. I've been a gym rat now for 5 years (though I'm not as buff as I'd like to be, I'm pretty smoking hot for 40).
badbrit Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Firstly I do not care how fit and toned you think you are, that has exactly what relevance to anything on this board? And for the record, if you are more ripped than me then I salute you as I cane the gym like a nutter and always have done but so what, are we still in the playground? Acting hard on a forum does not do a thing to elevate you above others. I boxed for 18 years and had literally dozens of fights which suggests that unless you are also a trainer fighter I could smack down your ass without too much sweat but so what??? Anyway dude, moving on to the facebook stuff. I am a big facebooker as are most the people I know. It can mean a wide range of things 1. She is reaching out, holding out an olive branch for friendship 2. She could be wanting to check out how you are doing 3. Her page might be full of kick-ass photos and posts and she wants you to be able to see them to rub your nose in it because she is immature 4. She might be wanting to boost her friend numbers 5. She might be trying to release herself of guilt, show that she couldnt have treated you that bad/been such a bad person if you become a facebook friend 6. She gets off on having a stream of guys on her friend list that she has banged over the years. 7. She might not have given it a moments thought as you are that insignificant to her that she just views you as "some guy she knows" and doesnt view you anything different to any other guy she knows. 8. blah blah blah blah There is no way of knowing someone elses reasons behind an action and to be honest it does not really matter. Life moves on, this means zero and is not going to make the slightest bit of difference to your life. However you are clearly not 100% emotionally detached from her as you are too knowledgeable about her life, family, relationships for someone who is uninterested and someone uninterested would not feel any need to post about it on this forum. So if i was you, I would reject it and carry on with your life without thinking about her or in no time at all you will find yourself checking her page constantly, comparing her life now to her life with you, looking for any status updates that may be referring to you and basically regressing emotionally.
Ingenue Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Unless you're completely and utterly over your ex to the point of indifference, there's nothing to be gained by interacting with her. It's far too easy to take an emotional step backwards seeing images and status updates if you're not mentally and emotionally prepared to do so. Until that time, I would say pass on her friend request.
Author l0stMike Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Firstly I do not care how fit and toned you think you are, that has exactly what relevance to anything on this board? And for the record, if you are more ripped than me then I salute you as I cane the gym like a nutter and always have done but so what, are we still in the playground? Acting hard on a forum does not do a thing to elevate you above others. I boxed for 18 years and had literally dozens of fights which suggests that unless you are also a trainer fighter I could smack down your ass without too much sweat but so what??? Chill out bro. I made that point to weed out the people who are prone to providing that kind of run-of-the-mill advice. CaliGuy picked up on that, thankfully, and judging by your second paragraph, I'm not the one who should be worried about roid-raging on a forum. Congrats on being the world's greatest fighter, but all those punches over the last 18 years seem to have jarred your grammar and sentence structure a bit. Flaming aside, Anyway dude, moving on to the facebook stuff. I am a big facebooker as are most the people I know. It can mean a wide range of things 1. She is reaching out, holding out an olive branch for friendship 2. She could be wanting to check out how you are doing 3. Her page might be full of kick-ass photos and posts and she wants you to be able to see them to rub your nose in it because she is immature 4. She might be wanting to boost her friend numbers 5. She might be trying to release herself of guilt, show that she couldnt have treated you that bad/been such a bad person if you become a facebook friend 6. She gets off on having a stream of guys on her friend list that she has banged over the years. 7. She might not have given it a moments thought as you are that insignificant to her that she just views you as "some guy she knows" and doesnt view you anything different to any other guy she knows. 8. blah blah blah blah I think some of your numbers are spot-on (1, 2, 5), but others are just immature and remind me of a high schooler's motives of which both her and I are far removed from. You may be right about not being 100% detached emotionally and this having adverse effects. I didn't think of it that way. Amidst all of your nonsense, that was a good point.
Author l0stMike Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Unless you're completely and utterly over your ex to the point of indifference, there's nothing to be gained by interacting with her. It's far too easy to take an emotional step backwards seeing images and status updates if you're not mentally and emotionally prepared to do so. Until that time, I would say pass on her friend request. I agree with basically all of this. I don't believe that I'm completely and utterly over her. I don't think I ever will be. I've just learned to deal with what was and what is. She will always have her own slide-out tray in my memory bank. I especially agree with the pictures and status updates. In three weeks, her pictures are going to be all from her sisters wedding, and when my ex is dolled up, she looks like Barbie. I'm not kidding you. To this day she still has the prettiest face out of any girl I have dated. With that said, seeing those pictures and seeing her look as amazing as a Maid of Honor should look, well, it makes me feel like I just swallowed ten pounds of flaming embers. That was the biggest initial reservation and hangup I had when I saw the request. "Can I deal with what I'm going to see?" I asked myself. I haven't figured that out yet.
5105571 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I agree with basically all of this. I don't believe that I'm completely and utterly over her. I don't think I ever will be. I've just learned to deal with what was and what is. She will always have her own slide-out tray in my memory bank. I especially agree with the pictures and status updates. In three weeks, her pictures are going to be all from her sisters wedding, and when my ex is dolled up, she looks like Barbie. I'm not kidding you. To this day she still has the prettiest face out of any girl I have dated. With that said, seeing those pictures and seeing her look as amazing as a Maid of Honor should look, well, it makes me feel like I just swallowed ten pounds of flaming embers. That was the biggest initial reservation and hangup I had when I saw the request. "Can I deal with what I'm going to see?" I asked myself. I haven't figured that out yet. I think you are spot on here. You accept that request if you feel emotionally prepared for whatever result that choice leads to. It could lead to nothing--no messages, no comments, absolutely nothing. It could also lead to a new round of communication that either makes you good friends or just tears open old wounds. Just make sure your decision is solely based upon how you feel. Although you don't seem like the type, I'm just telling you to not start thinking something like, "It'll burn her up if I don't accept that friend request, and she'll wonder why I didn't, etc," or "If I accept that request maybe she'll change the way she feels." Do this only for your own feelings.
sedgwick Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I don't really care to know or hear what she's doing. I still have a friend request to answer though. You already answered your own question.
BCCA Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Here is my thought on being friends with an ex, ever: WHATS THE F***ING POINT? There isnt one. Neither of you are really going to be 'friends', because the dynamic is off balance because of your relationship. So, youll really just have this awkward communication that does next to nothing for you. Pointless. I would definitely ignore any request that just came by itself. Couldnt even send a message first? Probably just wants you to see her awesome pics and the 80968734 dudes shes added (of whom she probably 'knows' 2% of). You know what to do, my man - IGNORE
5105571 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Here is my thought on being friends with an ex, ever: WHATS THE F***ING POINT? There isnt one. Neither of you are really going to be 'friends', because the dynamic is off balance because of your relationship. So, youll really just have this awkward communication that does next to nothing for you. Pointless. I would definitely ignore any request that just came by itself. Couldnt even send a message first? Probably just wants you to see her awesome pics and the 80968734 dudes shes added (of whom she probably 'knows' 2% of). You know what to do, my man - IGNORE Hey, I know you're trying to help the guy just like all of us are. But I think you're basing your opinions of friendship with ex girlfriends upon your own feelings and past experiences. I've known people that have remained friends even after breaking up and, although it is extremely rare, it's not really awkward for them. I'm dealing with the same thing right now and I am just not sure I can ever be just friends with my ex, even when I know others can somehow manage to do it. I know it's just your two cents and for the most part I agree with you, but the guy has got to make that decision on his own.
blahbob Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 and I didn't think I would be posting again here either, but I'm in a similar situation... I first posted on this site over 7 years ago trying to save my relationship with my ex when I was 20 and she was 19. We broke up months later but still said we loved each other, and she wanted to remain friends. I cut contact with her for 4 months until I figured out my own flaws, and then I tried to regain her friendship. But she decided she wasn’t ready for friendship, felt angry, and never wanted romance between us again, so we kept our distance. Links to my previous posts for reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49514/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50149/ Fast forward to 4 months ago when I joined Facebook. Guess who friend requested me a week later? My ex without a message. We don't share any mutual friends, so she must have been looking for me. I questioned the request just like you did, and I wondered what there was to gain for either of us. But my curiosity got the better of me, and I accepted the request a couple days later as I have a feeling you will too if you haven't already. Now realize this is a girl that I was completely in love with and have never stopped loving after all these years. I've dated plenty of other girls over the years, including two that I felt love for but nothing close to what I felt for this girl. Call it first love syndrome or whatever you like, but sometimes those feelings never go away. Sounds like you're in a similar boat. I figured I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if' if I chose to deny her attempt to 'contact' me, especially now that I'm single. Well, the first thing I noticed was that she most likely had a bf from the messages on her Facebook profile. Okay, no big deal or surprise. I sent her a message over a month later to see how things were and test the waters. She responded and we exchanged a couple messages over the next month until she gave me her number to catch up. I called her a couple weeks later and left a message with my number. Also, I noticed the messages and possible bf were deleted from her Facebook profile. Now it's almost 2 months later and no response. I sent one more message to see what was up a couple weeks ago and still no response. So where does this leave me? I hope you're ready for this sort of reaction from your ex. Oh how I loathe these social networking sites, hence the reason it took me so long to join in the first place. Now I'm considering deleting her from my friends because being only her Facebook 'friend' isn't something I aspire to be, and I don't want her keeping tabs on me and my life. What kind of friend ignores you and your attempts to communicate, especially after acting interested? It's obvious we can never be 'just friends', but I already knew that. Having access to her profile is more of an annoyance than anything, because of course I'm tempted to view it, which only makes me think about her more while gaining nothing. At this point I'd rather just have some sort of closure and be done with it. That's hard to come by when you can't communicate. The only thing I've found that will help suppress the thoughts of my ex is a relationship with someone else, which is what I suggest you find if things don't work out with your ex. If that relationship ends, the thoughts of the ex will most likely come flooding back in. I don't consider her 'the one' because there are so many women and possibilities out there...she's a 'possible one' of many. So now I guess it's on to the next one for me.
wow123 Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Lostmike, 2 of my ex's, one from a year ago, one from 5 years ago found me on a social networking site as well. They did this for no logical reason that I can think of. I have no idea why they do it, but they do. Luckily I am over both of them and currently trying to get over a different girl whom I deleted immediately for this very reason.
Cloudberry Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Nothing wrong with being friends / friendly with an ex, as long as you are both "over it". And yes, I do believe there is such a thing as both exes being over it and still liking and respecting eachother. I am good friends with a once-serious ex, and there are other exes I would be as friendly to as they were to me, if we were to meet again.
Thornton Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 As long as you are both over it, being Facebook friends is fine. Do you want to be friends with her? If yes, accept... if no, don't accept. Simples I imagine she is probably holding out an olive branch and wanting to make things right between you, to alleviate the guilt and prove that everything is ok. You'll probably accept her friend request and then hardly ever hear from her; just accepting the friend request proves you're ok with each other.
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