lazlow99 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Without sounding big headed I think I am quite good looking, just going off girls reactions to me. However all the relationships I've had so far (I'm 20), have been with girls who are either older, more forward or more extroverted than me, and not girls that I've really cared about or wanted a serious relationship with. I can be a bit shy sometimes, but not all the time, and I've noticed that when I start talking to girls who I have an interest in quite often they go all shy themselves and we can't have a normal conversation. I'm not forward myself and I'm pretty self conscious, basically I don't come across as the desperate, needy type, but girls who have been looking at me, smiled at me, when I talk to them some of them have seemed to freeze up and not know what to say (these girls are usually around the same age as me). I normally find older girls easier to talk too btw. Recently a 60 year old woman on a checkout said I was ''tall, dark and handsome'' - but sadly she's a little out my age range. I'm not really the extroverted, assertive type myself, so it makes it difficult for me if its almost a one way conversation and they can't relax. I've also had a few girls say that when they first saw me they thought I was gay, and when I ask why they've said ''you've got a gay face'' and that I look like a ''fit gay.'' Now I don't think I'm camp at all, I dress fairly smart but not OTT (jeans, trainers, t-shirt or shirt) and I never use hair gel and normally just have it either medium length and messy or short. I think maybe I look like the sort of person who should be overly confident, outgoing and loud when really I'm more laid back and reserved. Dunno, any ideas?
sheena.gomez Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 then what happened after you're with the girls. are they seriously getting along with your house we assume your his girlfriend.
Bejita463 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I get asked if I am gay constantly, so I would worry about that much were I you. As for the rest, how exactly do you pursue the conversations? If you are doing all the talking in a conversation, you may not be setting the person you want to speak to at ease, or giving them ample prompting to say anything. After all, you approached them, so the conversation is being directed by you. At least at first. So with that in mind, have you tried seeing if you have these same conversational problems speaking with males as well?
Author lazlow99 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 ^ I've been meeting a lot of new people recently. I find it easier to talk to some people than others, really it just depends on who I'm speaking too. I think sometimes I get too self conscious about what I'm saying, I'm better at talking when I'm more relaxed. I don't notice it as much with guys, and people who I know (guys and girls) I can chat too all day. Its just when I initially try to speak to some girls, like I say hi or ask them something general they seem to shy away and not respond much.
start-fresh Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You hear about this problem more with women than men because they generally want to be approached and then get down when guys don't approach them. You're right that they might be intimidated by your looks, but is it possible something about you doesn't encourage them to let their guard down? Have you considered asking friends for honest answers of what your problem might be? I don't know, just offering suggestions.
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 If the OP is truly good-looking, yet shy, it's a double whammy because his intendeds can very easily be intimidated by his looks and, if he doesn't take initiative and approach/engage/flirt/show romantic interest, nothing will ever happen. OP, you can't help how you look. It's genetics. You can help and change how you interact with the world and women in particular. Work on that part. Facilitate the woman's comfort level being with you. I'll bet, if you work on being more casual and topical (not assigning deep meanings to meetings/interactions), the ladies will warm up.
conehead Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hi, I'm the same way as you. People say I'm good looking, but I'm always VERY shy/awkward around people. Thus, the only way I've found good relationships was through online dating. I know, there's a bit of a stigma behind online, but you ought to give it a shot if nothing else works. When I meet someone online, they're always surprised I'm there in the first place because they tell me 'what's a pretty girl like u doing online?' That being said, some of the guys are pretty cute themselves haha.
samspade Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 This just goes to show that confidence is far more important than looks when it comes to attracting women. In fact, the world is filled with great-looking guys who think they can skirt by on that alone and get nowhere; then they are bewildered when they see confident yet fat or ugly men dating beautiful women. OP, you already have something to be confident about: Your looks. Work on being outgoing, funny, and yes, confident. Your looks might catch a lady's eye, but if you don't walk up to her and strike up a conversation, what good are glances? Carpe diem.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I suggest you ask more questions about them, get them talking. Half of a good conversation is listening. It's through talking about ourselves and getting good feedback on what we're putting out there that we begin to develop a connection with the other person. My last bf was disarmingly handsome, but that was not his best asset. The best thing about him was that he TRULY listened and responded to what people were giving him to work with. If he had not been so wonderful in this regard, I probably would have found him more intimidating, just in terms of looks. Be that excellent sounding board who really listens and understands -- this should help you a lot.
Author lazlow99 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Some constructive comments here. I think a lot of it probably is to do with my confidence. If I'm nervous and they are too, and I don't put them at ease then it will make things difficult. Its weird because when I'm relaxed and around people I know I'm very different, but if I'm thrown in with a group of strangers I find it difficult to mix and worry about what to say etc. I think I'll get better at it with practice, and I am a lot more confident than I was a few years ago.
Trialbyfire Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 The only disadvantage to being attractive, is being pursued for all the wrong reasons.
samspade Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Some constructive comments here. I think a lot of it probably is to do with my confidence. If I'm nervous and they are too, and I don't put them at ease then it will make things difficult. Its weird because when I'm relaxed and around people I know I'm very different, but if I'm thrown in with a group of strangers I find it difficult to mix and worry about what to say etc. I think I'll get better at it with practice, and I am a lot more confident than I was a few years ago. Worrying about what to say is a big game-killer. It's not so much what you say as how you say it. If you stutter or say something stupid, just laugh it off and keep going. Just don't even think about it. I know it sounds silly, but if a girl thinks you're cute and is sending you signals (smiles, twirls hair with fingers, etc.) you could say "Millard Filmore" and she'll probably speak to you. In fact, the less cliche and boring, the better...but if you're at a loss, just say, "Hello." Open the door for her, handsome.
Bejita463 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 If you stutter or say something stupid, just laugh it off and keep going. I stole a recovery from Eddy Izzard for that. "Sorry. My tongue got stuck in my back tooth. Checkin' for stuff." Usually gets a chuckle.
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I had a stunning looking female friend who all the guys went crazy over. Problem was, the ordinary guys that one might want to be drooling over you were far too intimidated by her looks to go near her, whereas the desperados were all over her like a rash. So, yeah being attractive can have its disadvantages. I think in your case though, that it's not your looks but your shyness that's probably the real problem. Just practice in your head, imagining scenarios where you know you'll act shy and imagine yourself how you'd like to act, this really works! I've tried it. You kind of reprogramme your brain to think that it's already experienced being 'not shy' so therefore when the real situation comes along you feel like you've already got over that obstacle and can go forth and multiply!
Mahatma Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I have had people tell me that they are surprised I am not a cocky guy. When I was younger, I was a total computer nerd and spent all my time playing video games. Then I started getting out in my junior year of highschool. I started socializing more, working out, running, got a job, and everything just got way better. I still have the same laid back and humble personality that I had back when I was a computer geek. I think for many good looking people, they were always attractive and got smothered with compliments that swelled their head at such an early age and it just stayed that way.
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I had a stunning looking female friend who all the guys went crazy over. Problem was, the ordinary guys that one might want to be drooling over you were far too intimidated by her looks to go near her, whereas the desperados were all over her like a rash. So, yeah being attractive can have its disadvantages.I'm not knocking your g/f but it's not her looks that's causing only desperados to approach her. I'm sure she's a great person but she has to show that she is one and not only to her friends. This is no different than any other woman, except that she has the immediate perk of attracting attention.
Isolde Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I'm not the most gorgeous person ever, but I'm considered cute by many people and while I'm not going to go the "poor me" route, I think combined with my particular personality type, it makes the type of guys I like less likely to approach me. *shrugs* It is what it is, and everyone does have some level of control in becoming more approachable! Just remember that sometimes people are just having bad days and don't feel like chatting up someone new.
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