Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Yeah, I'm still on a break from women (indefinitely for now). I would, however, appreciate it if the ladies (and seasoned guy veterans of LS) could chime in on a particular problem I'm having. So the same situation always happens. I bring up the subject after getting to know the lady for awhile. Quite honestly I don't want to lose the friendship so I tend to say something like "I'm in love with you" or "I'm crazy about you" or something along those lines that's fairly G rated and I'm not lewd or rude or anything whenever I bring it up. And, BTW, it's the truth because I tend to develop heavy romantic feelings for certain ladies and I've told them so honestly. The last lady I sent love letters to - she is still in touch with me and hasn't terminated the friendship completely. But, she terminated physical, phone, and consistent contact (we're still in touch online from time to time though) with me when she got a boyfriend, even though I never brought it up again after she said she didn't feel the same way and tried my damndest not to make the situation awkward. I'm fully well aware of what I'm getting into and have no problem remaining friends if the lady rejects me. However, it seems as if the lady rejects me AND has a problem staying friends with me after I say I like them and I can never figure out why. Why is this? How do I tell a lady I'm in love with them and, at the very least, keep the friendship if they don't feel the same way? I don't want it to result in losing the friendship but it seems as if that is nearly always the end result and I can never figure out why. I would love it if a lady said she was in love with me or wanted to pursue something along those lines with me (which has never happened in my life). Of course, as you can imagine I can't understand why it's such a big deal and so hard for the lady to remain friends with me after the fact even though I'm a decent guy, don't get pissy, nasty, or angry or anything like that if she rejects me. I take it like a man should take it - in stride and don't make it a big deal if she says no. So what's the deal? If I don't want to lose the friendship do I have to never tell a lady I like her? Is losing the friendship always the wild card chance you take when you bring up this particular subject?
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Yes, you risk losing the friendship by bringing up romantic feelings. However - the way you say it scared the **** out of ME and I don't even know you. "I'm in love with you" or "I'm crazy about you"???? Holy moly. OK, well, yeah...you might FEEL deep feelings, but you really shouldn't EXPRESS them to that depth until you're sure how the other person feels (or at least have a clue). Try subtlety next time. Like, "I'd be interested in going on a DATE with you," or "You know, I'm kind of starting to like you." Keep it kind of surface-level. I know that may seem counter to what you're feeling inside. BUT...here's the thing - if I were to hear what YOU say from a guy friend, I would be pretty dang sure that he wouldn't be able to put aside his romantic feelings for us to continue a platonic friendship.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 It is rare for a friendship to survive the L bomb. They have to be long term, solid friendships that have such a strong base that it can survive. Even then, it usually doesn't. These girls don't want to be friends because they are afraid that you will take everything the wrong way. It is easier to cut someone loose than to walk on eggshells for a friendship that isn't even established.
OpenBook Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 they are afraid that you will take everything the wrong way I agree, that's exactly it. I'm not sure I understand why you feel so compelled to declare your love for these girls in the first place... especially when they haven't given you any significant signals that they feel the same way??
You'reasian Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 You didn't mention your age, but remember what dating was like in your early 20's? You saw a female you were attracted to and your animal instincts ran wild, you didn't care, your instincts took over and you flirted, joked, laughed, teased you eventually got her phone number and before you knew it, she was throwing her boobs in your face and whispering naughty comments into your ear. After it was all said and done, you let it be and if anything came of it, its because it was supposed to. You're trying to be too rational and proper in dating. You've bought into the nice guy game, playing it slow - what females say they want - friends before dating. You can do all the "right" things and still get left hanging. BS. If you're a woman's friend before dating, you're volunteering yourself to be friendzoned! Women in the 21st Century have never complimented a man on his rationality or his courtship skills. Find something, someone or someway to break your current pattern and get back to that wild animal - not the cautious puppy.
dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I'm confused. If you're taking a break from the ladies, why are you telling them you are in love with them? Further more, if you tell them this, and the feeling isn't mutual, don't you think it would be a bit weird for them to want to be friends with you?
You'reasian Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Being a patient, nice, reasonable guy makes you personable to your buddies. For dating? Not so much. Your approach isn't working.
tkgirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 wow! you definitely need to learn you can't just go around saying these things to girls unless you really mean them... like after you're in a relationship! This has happened to me before and it did NOT go over well... girls can tell when a guy is being sincere or not. It's practically insulting when a guy says stuff like that and you know he doesn't really mean it.
Bells Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 wow! you definitely need to learn you can't just go around saying these things to girls unless you really mean them... like after you're in a relationship! Come on! It happens in the MOVIES! lol
dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Come on! It happens in the MOVIES! lol But really, you complete me
Bells Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 But really, you complete me OH YEAH, use that one! Works like a charm!
dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 OH YEAH, use that one! Works like a charm! Better yet.. Mini Me... you complete me
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 SoulSearch_CO: Yes, you risk losing the friendship by bringing up romantic feelings. However - the way you say it scared the **** out of ME and I don't even know you. "I'm in love with you" or "I'm crazy about you"???? Holy moly. OK, well, yeah...you might FEEL deep feelings, but you really shouldn't EXPRESS them to that depth until you're sure how the other person feels (or at least have a clue). Try subtlety next time. Like, "I'd be interested in going on a DATE with you," or "You know, I'm kind of starting to like you." Keep it kind of surface-level. I know that may seem counter to what you're feeling inside. BUT...here's the thing - if I were to hear what YOU say from a guy friend, I would be pretty dang sure that he wouldn't be able to put aside his romantic feelings for us to continue a platonic friendship. So talking for hours and hours on the phone nearly every night DOESN'T mean they like you in that way? Why the hell else would a woman talk to a guy for that long anyways unless she was just stringing him along until someone else came along? You'reasian: You didn't mention your age, but remember what dating was like in your early 20's? You saw a female you were attracted to and your animal instincts ran wild, you didn't care, your instincts took over and you flirted, joked, laughed, teased you eventually got her phone number and before you knew it, she was throwing her boobs in your face and whispering naughty comments into your ear. After it was all said and done, you let it be and if anything came of it, its because it was supposed to. [snip] Find something, someone or someway to break your current pattern and get back to that wild animal - not the cautious puppy. No, I don't remember what dating was like in my early 20s. Never tried back then. I'm such a loser. So apparently I'm 29 and have no idea what I'm doing and generating a ton of laughs along the way and destroying friendships left and right. Wonderful. tkgirl: wow! you definitely need to learn you can't just go around saying these things to girls unless you really mean them... like after you're in a relationship! This has happened to me before and it did NOT go over well... girls can tell when a guy is being sincere or not. It's practically insulting when a guy says stuff like that and you know he doesn't really mean it. But that's just IT...I DID mean them and I thought we had already established a serious friendship after a year of being back in contact, talking, hanging out, etc. Apparently not. Okay, LoveShack...help me stop being a loser. Please tell me what I NEED to change to be somebody that doesn't scare off the ladies...what the hell is going on...and WTF do I need to do to break this very crappy nasty cycle?
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 I should mention as well re: my break. I hadn't said anything like that to a woman since September of last year nor have I even tried. I want to keep it that way for awhile. Now that I know my approach is, at most, nightmarish and laughable, I can at least work on something in that regards.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Watch Hitch. There are some truths in that film. Never ever tell a women you love them... Not unless you're exclusive 3-4 months in or you plan to propose.
BobSacamento Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 You definitely don't tell a woman your not exclusive with that you love them. You don't even tell them your crazy about them. You have to show them your crazy about them. It's like your trying to take all the work out of it. The women your hanging out with aren't falling for it and it'll take far more effort trying to find one that would. Nice try though haha.
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 BobSacramento- I thought it was the other way around: that doing so showed the ultimate in commitment, loyalty, yadda yadda, something every woman complains about wanting but no guy gives. I have so much to learn in order to learn how to not be the ultimate loser.
BobSacamento Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Dude you are so lost. Like I thought I was lost but damn. Rent some Sex in The City DVDs and look up flirting on google. Cause really your throwing a bombshell at these women. It's not fair to them. You should flirt with them and if their mature they'll give you the signals necessary to let you down gently or they'll show their interest in you.
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Dude you are so lost. Like I thought I was lost but damn. Rent some Sex in The City DVDs and look up flirting on google. Cause really your throwing a bombshell at these women. It's not fair to them. You should flirt with them and if their mature they'll give you the signals necessary to let you down gently or they'll show their interest in you. I'm sure many are going to be thinking the same thing tonight. Thanks to all who posted so far. I'm looking at all recommendations. I didn't realize I was so lost on this stuff. *sigh*...so apparently this is what happens when you're the only child and your family won't even talk to you about this and you have no IRL friends or acquaintances with knowledge about any of this stuff.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I'm sure many are going to be thinking the same thing tonight. Thanks to all who posted so far. I'm looking at all recommendations. I didn't realize I was so lost on this stuff. *sigh*...so apparently this is what happens when you're the only child and your family won't even talk to you about this and you have no IRL friends or acquaintances with knowledge about any of this stuff. :lmao::lmao: Chillax. Just get some self help books.
nowhereman82 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 my 2 cents.....once you become a friend sometimes its hard to move beyond that and the woman will feel like you were only being passive by being their friend until you had the gumption to tell them you were interested. Most men and women start things pretty intentional. Either by a date or conversation at common gatherings but not hanging out solo unless their is a date. So being their friend and hanging out like their friend and not putting forward, is probably what puts them off. But it's all good....pick yourself up, brush the dirt off, and try again. No more love letters either unless you're officially dating
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 LOL @ xpapercutx and nowhereman Thanks. Needed a laugh tonight. @nowhereman - it's been a bit difficult picking myself up and brushing the dirt off again after the last one. But I'm getting there.
You'reasian Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I would love it if a lady said she was in love with me or wanted to pursue something along those lines with me (which has never happened in my life). Of course, as you can imagine I can't understand why it's such a big deal and so hard for the lady to remain friends with me after the fact even though I'm a decent guy, don't get pissy, nasty, or angry or anything like that if she rejects me. I take it like a man should take it - in stride and don't make it a big deal if she says no. So what's the deal? If I don't want to lose the friendship do I have to never tell a lady I like her? Is losing the friendship always the wild card chance you take when you bring up this particular subject? Let the lady come to you. Stop making the effort, focus on yourself and let them persue you. Change your venues as well. Some venues work better for some people than others. A buddy of mine used to cut a rug dancing salsa and met alot of girlfriends through that venue. Women say something about how a man dances with her - not sure what that means.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 So talking for hours and hours on the phone nearly every night DOESN'T mean they like you in that way? Why the hell else would a woman talk to a guy for that long anyways unless she was just stringing him along until someone else came along? Uh. No. It doesn't. I would imagine they think you're a great listener - just like a brother or a girlfriend. Okay, LoveShack...help me stop being a loser. Please tell me what I NEED to change to be somebody that doesn't scare off the ladies...what the hell is going on...and WTF do I need to do to break this very crappy nasty cycle? I think until you learn to understand social cues from girls better, it might be best to separate in your mind = friends vs lovers. Do NOT try to turn a friend into a lover. Once somebody calls you a friend, move on. Ask a girl out on a DATE and do not do the casual thing that I see mentioned so often on this board. Make the dates romantic and don't wait too long for physical contact (holding hands, arm around waist or shoulders, the kiss, etc) or you can get friend-zoned. I feel for you, man. It's obvious you feel bad about this. But don't beat yourself up. Life's about learning. Don't look at them as failures - simply as lessons. Edison tried hundreds (maybe thousands) of ways to try and make a light bulb. When asked how he felt to fail, he said he didn't fail, he just learned that many times how NOT to make a light bulb. You've just learned how NOT to make a relationship. No biggie. Live and learn. Now you know what doesn't work - time to look at some alternatives. Good luck.
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