No_ambition Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hi all, Very brief story. Been split up for 40 days (reason for split is my fault - lying to make myself sound better - not proud and learnt a huge lesson) Anyway l love this girl very very much, a real tough breakup. I recieved a few emails telling me she wanted to give us another go .. I jumped at the chance 2 days in (not left each others side) and I find out she slept with another during our breakup - damn it hurts, we had split and never thought we'd see 1 another again so gotta be mature about this Last night I asked if she loved me and she said 'very much' I then asked if she was 'in love with me' ... A good 4 second silence and she said 'u love me more' ... 'I stopped seeing this bloke because I love u' ... She then did say she was in love but that 4 second silence made me worry - was it because she wanted to give a truthful answer or was it to not cause me pain (like she tried to do about this other chap - originally told me they hadn't slept together but asked her again and she told the truth) She has started to book trips away for my bday (14 days away) My problem is I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl and she initiated the reunion but these last 40 days has been hell for me. Do I tell her it's not going to work (is she waiting for someone better) or carry on This will be the biggest decision of my life to date (I'm 39) I need to get this right ... Love this girl from the bottom of my heart, to walk away would kill me (I know she loves me but enough I don't know) Please help with advice (specially the girls) Thankyou
Ronni_W Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think if you want to marry her, then TELL her about your concern/anxiety over the 4-second delay, and ASK her what was going through her mind, and TRUST whatever answer she gives you. If you can't be honest with, or trust, her on such a level, do both of you a favour and don't get in any deeper until you can be more emotionally intimate. Marriagebuilders.com has a "preparing for marriage" section that may be particularly insightful/useful at this time. The questionnaires and 'basic concepts' are also good. Wishing you both the best.
Author No_ambition Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Thanks Ronni, appreciate your constructive advice. Anyone else? Pls give your take It so important I get this right Thanks again
drummerprince81 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 She wants to try. You want to be with her for the rest of your life. I'd jump at the chance too if my ex to give me such a sign. Maybe I'm being selfish and irrational because your story will obviously be different to mine but I believe love is a such a powerful and interchangable force and I have learned from my break up that being 'in love' is a feeling you cannot sustain for eternity, or control but it can happen again and again if people are willing to let it happen. I would take things slow IF it was me. Only you know what you really want. A month down the line you might feel like you no longer want to spend the rest of your life together. But a month also gives you another chance to fall in love again. I know she should be making all the efforts, but life is too short sometimes. I'm not telling you to bend over backwards, just to consider that it probably will be worthwhile...
Leveller Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 My question is how long were you two together before the split? My comment is this. My ex GF recently asked me 'How do you know you love me?' and 'What does being in love mean?'. She says she has never really been 'in love' with anyone and doesn't know what it means-CP?. To my mind love is something you feel and whenh you cannot bear to be apart from someone and are prepared to walk through walls if required (but not being a doormat either).
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 -lying to make myself sound better -l love this girl very very much -I jumped at the chance -I asked if she loved me -I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl -Love this girl from the bottom of my heart -walk away would kill me Ok, This is what I get. This girl doesn't love you at all and you are all gaga over her. She is probably with you because I'm sure she cares for you a bit and you are nice, and things didn't work out with the other guy. You sound desperate and I'd be ultimately turned off.
david_ryan Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Ok, This is what I get. This girl doesn't love you at all and you are all gaga over her. She is probably with you because I'm sure she cares for you a bit and you are nice, and things didn't work out with the other guy. You sound desperate and I'd be ultimately turned off. Ariadne: rude rude rude. you sound deperately rude and turn me OFF. how terrible to say such a thing to someone who is hurting. Way to be supportive.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Ariadne: rude rude rude. you sound deperately rude and turn me OFF. how terrible to say such a thing to someone who is hurting. Way to be supportive. That's fine with me. I've had my share of guys like that, and they never failed to turn me off. Guys should have some balls.
samfish Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 That's fine with me. I've had my share of guys like that, and they never failed to turn me off. Guys should have some balls. I'd have used a bit more tact, but I otherwise agree. If you love this girl, then be strong for her. It seems like you're back together with her, right? I learned the hard way that girls DO NOT like weak, whiny men. They come off as needy and insecure. Any girl who wants those qualities in a guy isn't a girl you should be involved with, IMO. Right now, you're coming off as needy and insecure to her. That's a surefire way to drive her off again. Be strong. Be yourself. She told you she loves you after a very rough time in your relationship. That should be good enough for now. Ask her again the same question in a few months after you've become more confident in yourself and her love for you. I guarantee she won't hesitate of have to think about it. She's a girl. She'll recognize the difference in you almost immediately.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Ask her again the same question in a few months after you've become more confident in yourself and her love for you. I guarantee she won't hesitate of have to think about it. She's a girl. She'll recognize the difference in you almost immediately. That's not going to change. The girl already doesn't love him and she is not going to start. She broke up with him and went with some other guy, and then he has to ask her if she loves him or not, there should be no doubt. On top of that, she hesitates and tell him he loves her more. Do you need more proof?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 The rest of your life is a lot to gamble. When someone falls 'out of love' or tells you something like 'you love me more' you can rest assured that others will come along that they will fall 'in love' with. Her hesitation and silence spoke volumes. I do not believe her when she said she was 'in love' with you. Not trying to be a downer here, but that 'in love' feeling that she is lacking for you will be the eventual end of your relationship, unless you are the sort who will tolerate an increasingly sexless relationship and look the other way when she is falling 'in love' and having sex with other men.
OpenBook Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 No_ambition, I would back off from declaring or discussing anything serious or long-term with her, for now. Just enjoy her company, and watch what she does. Your relationship has just gone through a very rough spot. It may be best to just leave it be (meaning, don't push for commitments, indications of love, or anything else from her) for awhile, and see where it leads. You may be the best thing that's ever happened to her... and she may be slowly becoming aware of it. It's up to her to prove to you (through her behavior) that she is worthy of the lifelong love that you're so ready to offer her. For your sake, I hope she's up to it!!
Author No_ambition Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Just wanted to say thanks for all your advice, some better than others but thanks all the same, it reallly did help In regards to acting aloof & 'playing games' I feel I'm too old for that & will say how it is but I do agree looking desperate is never an attractive quality Well we've been back together for about 3 weeks now. Were doing well & have both commited to positive changes - I've just given notice on my house & were moving in together. She says she loves me so as I do her but of course I'm apprehensive for the future but for now I'm enjoying her company as we bounce so well of each other Guess I'm one of the lucky ones but not naive enough to think life will be a bed of roses I guess if I can advise anyone on reconciliation I would say what's meant to be will be - no contact worked wonders for me (to heal) as did being open & honest. I chose not to play head games & I'm thrilled to say it worked for me. If you love someone for god sakes tell them, a couple of heartfelt emails (no more) did it for me & in time she sent the same back Good luck to all those fighting for the one they love & thankyou all for Reading & giving me your honest & constructive advice God bless Richard
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Just keep your eyes open and your heart guarded to some extent.
Leveller Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I agree with the post above and I wish you the VERY best of luck. I hope this will last, it certainly sounds positive.
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