Author Soul Bear Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I agree with both you Different people, different desires, different speeds. Some get lucky, some dont
CaliGuy Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Every time I go NC with the ex at work for any length of time she eventually comes poking around. The thing is, she isn't breaking NC because she wants me. She just wants validation coz her b/f is treating her like crap. See, NC isn't to bring them back. If they want you, NOTHING will stop them from getting to you. I'd say most of the time they break NC they just want validation and nothing more.
Author Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I was wondering where you had been lurking 97% of the time this is true CG, I agree
wow123 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 I agree. There are three possible reasons why my ex has contacted me. 1. She feels guilty about the way things ended. 2. She wants to make sure I still want her so she can feel good about herself. 3. She is bored because her new BF is at work or out with his friends. None of these suggest she wants me back. If she did she would be calling me constantly leaving messages about how she messed up. I know that will not happen but I wish it did...sad I know.
Author Soul Bear Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 You also have to bear in mind, i know when i have dumped someone before, i want NOTHING to do with them. No matter how bad I felt. And I have dumped 2 women when i was younger in a bad way :S NC...oooh whats it now...7 years!!!
wow123 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Soul Bear, I am the same way when I do the breaking up I dont call. But my last 2 relationships they ended things and still contacted me, still do. I don't get it?
t0ri Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 You also have to bear in mind, i know when i have dumped someone before, i want NOTHING to do with them. No matter how bad I felt. And I have dumped 2 women when i was younger in a bad way :S NC...oooh whats it now...7 years!!! You dumped them and just wanted them gone from your life forever?? This is the concept I have trouble understanding, or maybe accepting. Years of dating, and one day you're cut from each other's lives. I don't understand how you could date someone for so long, are in love with/care about them, or at least say and pretend to (I'm referring to my ex, by the way, not you), and then never want to EVER hear from or see them again. Is this to get over them, and allow that person to get over you? Or is it that you grew to generally dislike them as a person? Sheesh. I'll never get my ex's reasoning since he came back after dumping me convincing me he had genuine intentions of getting back together to only dump me again a month later. I mean, I wouldn't want to be friends with the guy but it's strange to me how he doesn't have a care in the world about me any longer. Rather, he's incredibly mean & hateful now, even though I respected his breakup decision (BOTH times) and have left him alone and been nice the few times we did speak. Sorry, I went off on a ramble!
CaliGuy Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 You dumped them and just wanted them gone from your life forever?? I used to be that way when I was younger. Now if I dump someone I am kind to them and if they want to talk, I'll talk. But I also make it clear that I am not emotionally interested in them other than friends. I really think being friends with exs isn't good unless you have BOTH moved on emotionally and aren't in love (either of you) anymore.
trueblue72ny Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Every time I go NC with the ex at work for any length of time she eventually comes poking around. The thing is, she isn't breaking NC because she wants me. She just wants validation coz her b/f is treating her like crap. See, NC isn't to bring them back. If they want you, NOTHING will stop them from getting to you. I'd say most of the time they break NC they just want validation and nothing more. ~~~~ my ex gf at wok does the same EXACT thing. its like clockwork. if i go NC for any length of time she comes around looking for attention /validation. usually every couple weeks, give or take. she's starting to call me on the phone at work here and there after 11 months. not sure what i am going to do. continue to be friendly, or just tell her this friends thing she wants isnt working for me. i am beginning to feel that trying to be friends with an ex really is - pointless. you cant just go from a relationship to small talk at the office. its ridiculous. we have not been able to go more than a month or so without contacting each other -for 5 years. parts of me want to continue contact, parts of me would like to sever ties all together. it would be much easier to sever ties if she told me she was dating someone. but she tells me she is not. i could be dealing with this potentially for years! yay!
CaliGuy Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 ~~~~ my ex gf at wok does the same EXACT thing. its like clockwork. if i go NC for any length of time she comes around looking for attention /validation. usually every 2-3 weeks, give or take. now she's starting to call me on the phone at work here and there after 11 months. i dont think she wants anything. maybe her friends are boring her - not sure. not sure what i am going to do. continue to be friendly, or just tell her this friends thing she wants isnt working for me. i am beginning to feel that trying to be friends with an ex really is - pointless. you cant just go from a relationship to small talk at the office. its ridiculous. so far we have not been able to go more than a month or two so without contacting each other. this has been going on for 5 years. parts of me want to continue contact, parts of me would like to sever ties all together. it would be sooo much easier for me to just tell her -don';t bother, if she told me she was dating someone. but she tells me she is not. i could be dealing with this potentially for years! yay! even if i wanted to get away -not sure that i could. Unless she is contacting you for business reasons, I would simply ignore her. Again, she is only seeking validation. That someone (ANYONE) will pay attention to her. It doesn't matter who it is (not even you) that is paying attention. Just that she gets that need met someone. The ex at work, same thing. When her b/f treats her like crap, she'll come talk to me. She doesn't have any doubts about who she wants to be with. She wants him. If she really wanted me, she'd be with me. No ifs/ands/buts about it. (And that is why I have her on ignore mode again. Her *actions* prove that she doesn't want me, she wants him so why should I give her any of my time?!) It's the same reason that exs want to remain friends with someone they dumped. It's not because they love you and want to be with you. They simply want a need met that isn't currently being met so they contact us to provide it. This merely stops the healing process on our side from working itself out while the dumper gets their needs met (and our expense). If there is any doubt about why No Contact is necessary, this is by far the one thing that should motivate everyone to stick to it. Self-preservation by keeping selfish people out of our lives.
trueblue72ny Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Unless she is contacting you for business reasons, I would simply ignore her. Again, she is only seeking validation. That someone (ANYONE) will pay attention to her. It doesn't matter who it is (not even you) that is paying attention. Just that she gets that need met someone. The ex at work, same thing. When her b/f treats her like crap, she'll come talk to me. She doesn't have any doubts about who she wants to be with. She wants him. If she really wanted me, she'd be with me. No ifs/ands/buts about it. (And that is why I have her on ignore mode again. Her *actions* prove that she doesn't want me, she wants him so why should I give her any of my time?!) It's the same reason that exs want to remain friends with someone they dumped. It's not because they love you and want to be with you. They simply want a need met that isn't currently being met so they contact us to provide it. This merely stops the healing process on our side from working itself out while the dumper gets their needs met (and our expense). If there is any doubt about why No Contact is necessary, this is by far the one thing that should motivate everyone to stick to it. Self-preservation by keeping selfish people out of our lives. ~~~ that's sounds about right - attention seeking. she is always onto something new. now its dieting. and she is in her GLORY when someone asks her about it. she is seeking attention over it. i have not validated it for her - nor do i want too. i agree, overall if someone is interested being around - they would be. hearing things like but this/ but that- is a story. actions do speak louder than words - and her actions have proven to me as well that nothing has changed. i think this would be a good time to put mine on ignore also. i have a feeling -if the new relationship ends down the road or whatever the case may be - that we will be back on the radar screen. maybe i will meet someone better by then.
CaliGuy Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 ~~~ that's sounds about right - attention seeking. she is always onto something new. now its dieting. and she is in her GLORY when someone asks her about it. she is seeking attention over it. i have not validated it for her - nor do i want too. i agree, overall if someone is interested being around - they would be. hearing things like but this/ but that- is a story. actions do speak louder than words - and her actions have proven to me as well that nothing has changed. i think this would be a good time to put mine on ignore also. i have a feeling -if the new relationship ends down the road or whatever the case may be - that we will be back on the radar screen. maybe i will meet someone better by then. My ex said she wasn't sure if she was making a mistake or not. "Ok...fine...but that's not my problem" was all I could say. She made the decisions she made so she can live with the consequences (which is what we're doing right now). The minute you become her "friend" you end up meeting whatever needs she isn't getting met right now....and when she does find a new guy, you'll soon learn that she was never looking for friendship to begin with. (And men do it too so I am not being sexist here). Personally I believe that if you're a dumpee, you are forced into this decision. Force them into it as well by not meeting their needs anymore. As the great Monty Burns once said "Let them wallow in their own crapulence...." Well said, Monty!
Recommended Posts