ratingsguy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hi everyone. I've been dating this girl for about three months and right now it's a LDR. However, she will be moving down here in a couple of months, so needless to say, things are going very well. We've gotten to the point in the relationship where we've talked about exes, and I really think I'm obsessing over her last BF. They've been broken up for a year now. He broke up with her because of the distance (it was also an LDR, but much further away) and it was amicable, even though my GF was devastated. Even though it was an LDR, they didn't see each other nearly as much as we do. I know that they're friends on Facebook, but since we're not friends, I can't see his pictures, so I didn't know what he looked like. I did a search and found his Myspace page, and I'm pretty much in shock. The guy is not very attractive at all... in fact, he's overweight and littered with tattoos. Knowing my GF, I would have never guessed that this guy was her type. He's also Asian and she's white, which shouldn't bother me, but for some reason it does (just being honest). But he was supposedly a nice guy according to her. But staring at pictures of this guy, I'm almost disappointed in my GF for lowering her standards like that. But maybe the personality was killer. Who knows. But I'm definately nothing like this guy... which makes me wonder why she's attracted to me. But I guess what bothers me most is that I think she still hasn't gotten over this guy. He is in the Marine Corps, and she volunteered to send care packages overseas. She told the person in charge of that effort that she couldn't do it and made up some excuse... and confessed to me it was because it would remind her of this guy. He's also from Guam, and she was hesitant to take a job for a family recently (she's in child care) because they were also from Guam. And the most startling thing for me is that she also confessed that she would probably always love this guy... which I'm not sure how to take. I've heard women say that before about exes, but I think back to my exes and I can honestly say that I don't still love any of them (and a couple did break up with me). But maybe that's just me. So I'm wondering what to do. I guess I'm afraid that she might be trying to force herself to have strong feelings for me in order to help get over this guy. Sounds crazy, but I'm not sure. It's been a year since they were together, so you would figure that she'd be over him by now, but I'm not so sure. She told me that they remained in contact even after he broke up with her, which I know from experience is not good when you're trying to heal a broken heart. I know she wouldn't cheat on me so that's not a concern, but that fact that she still loves this guy kinda hurts as well. But I'm wondering what her thoughts are. And in the meantime, I'm not comfortable with her being friendly with this guy (even though I don't dare say that or suggest she cut ties... I believe in earning trust by trusting) despite the fact that he's on the west coast and she's on the east coast. So am I obsessing, or do I have a legitimate concern?
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You've answered your own questions here. Maybe you should ask for a friend request on her FB? Anyway, is there any harm in just casually bringing up " do you still have feelings for your ex?" and then watch her reaction. Trust her until she gives you reason not to..
Author ratingsguy Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Maybe you should ask for a friend request on her FB? I think you may have misunderstood me. I am friends with my GF on FB... but not with her ex (obviously). So I couldn't see his pics. Anyway, is there any harm in just casually bringing up " do you still have feelings for your ex?" and then watch her reaction. I've considered that, but I'm afraid of the answer.
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Oops, sorry, misread that. Ask her to show you his fb page so you can see some photo's..If she has nothing to hide, it should be no big deal, right? Wouldn't you rather know though? It's atleast better than letting your imagination run wild, make you feel doubtful of her feelings for you and where you two are heading..
lora22 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I did a search and found his Myspace page, and I'm pretty much in shock. The guy is not very attractive at all... in fact, he's overweight and littered with tattoos. You're absolutely positive he's the ex? But I'm definately nothing like this guy... which makes me wonder why she's attracted to me. Maybe because you are nothing like him? Or because she really is into guys based on personality? Or, maybe she just doesn't have a type. she also confessed that she would probably always love this guy... which I'm not sure how to take. I've heard women say that before about exes, but I think back to my exes and I can honestly say that I don't still love any of them (and a couple did break up with me). But maybe that's just me. There's a difference between loving someone and being IN love with him. Which is it for her? I sincerely doubt she would confess to you that she's still IN LOVE with her ex...she probably just meant she would always love him. While I've always been like you, there's nothing wrong with her behavior either in that regard. am I obsessing, or do I have a legitimate concern? I personally think that you should relax. She hasn't done anything wrong, and she's not hiding her feelings from you. Maybe talk to her about how YOU feel, and see what she has to say. Your imagination is probably 100X worse than what's really going on (if anything).
Author ratingsguy Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I'm not concerned about if anything is going on. Based on the distance between them and the trust I have in her, I know that's nothing is going on. I AM however concerned that she has unresolved feelings for her ex. Perhaps he has unresolved feelings for her. I guess I'm concerned that she will never fall out of love with him. To answer your question Lora, I think she still is indeed IN love with him. That's my concern. If the little things I mentioned are bothering her, it leads me to believe that her heart is still with this guy and not necessarily me... even though it appears that way. But after a year of being broken up, isn't it time to stop having these feelings?
lora22 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I AM however concerned that she has unresolved feelings for her ex. So ask her! It's the only way you'll find out. Perhaps he has unresolved feelings for her. Doesn't matter - how he feels has nothing to do with you and your gf. I guess I'm concerned that she will never fall out of love with him. To answer your question Lora, I think she still is indeed IN love with him. That's my concern. If the little things I mentioned are bothering her, it leads me to believe that her heart is still with this guy and not necessarily me... even though it appears that way. The only way to find out for sure is to talk to her about it. I firmly believe in absolute honesty in relationships - that means if I have a genuine concern, and bring it up to you in a non-confrontational way, you take it seriously and we discuss it. As far as the carepackage thing...I'm not sure if I would interpret that as "in love" rather than love...but that's just me. I don't know the exact situation, and I don't know the girl...but my little brother is in Afghanistan right now, and I have other family that has been/is overseas right now...I send a ton of carepackages. My friends met some young guys (friends are 25, guys are like 18/19) that hit on them at a bar before being deployed...my friends got addresses and are sending care packages, even though they don't really know these guys...I send care packages to my brother's friends....but I am not a pussy. Maybe you're gf is and can't deal with something like that, even though she may not be "in love" with her ex. after a year of being broken up, isn't it time to stop having these feelings? I would say yes, but everyone's different!
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