Javelin Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I never thought it could be so hard, but then again, I kind of expected it. A three year relationship with your best friend of over 10 years; shattered in an instant. She cheated on Monday at 2 O'clock in the morning; after what I thought was a wonderful Memorial day weekend. We spent Sunday and most of Monday together and then it happened. It was that night about an hour after we hung up the phone to sleep, her friend from college was in town and wanted to, 'talk..' She was still awake at the time and said that he could swing by. He arrived drunk and I guess when they were talking he made advances and she let him. They basically went all the way and she says that, " she didn't know how to say, no. " Unfortunately, as you can probably already tell: She is very unstable and depressed. And for some odd reason, I thought that I could show her what a decent relationship felt like. I tried to be her knight in shining armor for 3 years, after 2 horrid relationships. Her first main high school relationship ended with her being cheated on and the second before me ended after verbal abuse for nearly a year. Then again, the way we started dating was a bit sketchy as well. She was never able to recoup from her previous relationship and that played a huge part in her depression. I had just broke up with my ex-girlfriend 1-month prior. However, it was easy for me to let go of my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship has always been rocky and while I was trying to make things great; she was more focused on herself. She often told me that her feelings were not that strong for me and I just did not want to believe that. We often broke up or had fights on many occasions because of our differences and I put myself in this position. The signs were there in black and white and I choose to ignore them. My friend and people on this forum have told me to let her go, for 2 years, but I choose to ignore them and now here I am, a victim. Betrayed by my own best friend, my girlfriend.
Cherished Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I'm sorry this happened. Be strong. Things will get better and you will meet someone that will make you actually happy this happened....so you could free yourself to meet someone awesome.
Author Javelin Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I apologize for my typing, the forum will no longer allow me to edit my post. I'm sorry this happened. Be strong. Things will get better and you will meet someone that will make you actually happy this happened....so you could free yourself to meet someone awesome. I appreciate your kind words, but I just don't know what to do. I know my morals will never allow me to take her back as a girlfriend and it'll be a very long time (if ever) before she regains any sort of trust from me, but I don't want her out of my life completely. I also, don't want to use her sexually or lead her on. For 26 years of my life, I've never once cheated on anyone and will never let myself succumb to such betrayal. It just sucks so much, when you put so much of yourself into something, only to have it stomped on and mangled for 20 minutes of selfishness. Why are people so gawd damn weak? No matter what you do, no matter how much you do... This crap always happens.
lostsunsets Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You deserve better. Time to dump the skank, and find some one worth your love.
Trojan John Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I apologize for my typing, the forum will no longer allow me to edit my post. I appreciate your kind words, but I just don't know what to do. I know my morals will never allow me to take her back as a girlfriend and it'll be a very long time (if ever) before she regains any sort of trust from me, but I don't want her out of my life completely. I also, don't want to use her sexually or lead her on. For 26 years of my life, I've never once cheated on anyone and will never let myself succumb to such betrayal. It just sucks so much, when you put so much of yourself into something, only to have it stomped on and mangled for 20 minutes of selfishness. Why are people so gawd damn weak? No matter what you do, no matter how much you do... This crap always happens. It's just the way they are. No use trying to understand it. I was in a similar situation, almost exactly the same length of time. I just got fed up with her drama. We stayed friends, but she still carried feelings for me up until my marriage. She got highly upset, and we have not spoken in 3 years to date.
mental_traveller Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Our relationship has always been rocky and while I was trying to make things great; she was more focused on herself. She often told me that her feelings were not that strong for me and I just did not want to believe that. We often broke up or had fights on many occasions because of our differences and I put myself in this position. The signs were there in black and white and I choose to ignore them. My friend and people on this forum have told me to let her go, for 2 years, but I choose to ignore them and now here I am, a victim. Betrayed by my own best friend, my girlfriend. Well you learned a useful lesson. Warning signs and red flags are ALWAYS bloody obvious - next time, listen to them.
Bryanp Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Think about how ridiculous her statements are. You had a terrific weekend together. She tells a college friend to swing by her apartment 2am and then has sex with him because "she didn't know how to say no". Does this mean anytime a man wants to have sex with her she would because she could not say no? My friend the probable truth is that when she invited him to come over at 2am to her apartment and she knew she would have sex with him. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. She has shown you that you mean nothing to her and she could care less how humiliated and betrayed you feel. This girl will always break your heart. Find someone else who is not so messed up and has an ability to behave properly in a relationship.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 They basically went all the way and she says that, " she didn't know how to say, no. " bullsh#t and onions. didn't have anything to do with the word "no", because she wanted to do it and the word "no" wasn't even in her head at the time. My friend and people on this forum have told me to let her go, for 2 years, but I choose to ignore them and now here I am, a victim. Betrayed by my own best friend, my girlfriend. This is why people need to start really listening to the friends that are advising them, especially if said friends have been through what you just went through. next time if a good buddy tells you to get rid of a girl, more than likely he has good reason to say it and you should listen to him. oh, and remember, bros before hos:cool:
Author Javelin Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 I would like to give my thanks, to everyone, it means a whole lot. Your statements and support really helped in the direction I would like to go with all of this. Don't get me wrong, I was never considering the idea of getting back together with her, as our future is over. It's just really hard, because she and I were very close even before we attempted our committed relationship. I know that she has been molded into a different person by her ex-boyfriends and from the beginning I was fighting a losing battle, but it was worth a shot. I've decided that I'm not going to talk to her any longer as of today and move on with my life.
samspade Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Unfortunately, as you can probably already tell: She is very unstable and depressed. And for some odd reason, I thought that I could show her what a decent relationship felt like. I tried to be her knight in shining armor for 3 years, after 2 horrid relationships. Her first main high school relationship ended with her being cheated on and the second before me ended after verbal abuse for nearly a year. You probably know this now, but just in case: Don't ever try to be a superhero and save a depressed or unstable woman. While those are sad problems she has, they aren't excuses, and furthermore they should serve as red flags to watch out for from here on out. Date women who are happy and confident. You'll find that a relationship doesn't need to be a renovation project to function properly. Sorry about your GF's slutty behavior, but at least now you know. Be glad you two didn't buy a house, get married, have children, or anything like that. You can walk away from her knowing she bears the responsibility for losing you. Just don't look back.
mark982 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 she told you her feeling were not that strong for you. how much more do you need for her to tell you? move on and find someone who's not a sl#t,and i'd be willing to bet he wasn't the first.
Author Javelin Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 You probably know this now, but just in case: Don't ever try to be a superhero and save a depressed or unstable woman. While those are sad problems she has, they aren't excuses, and furthermore they should serve as red flags to watch out for from here on out. Date women who are happy and confident. You'll find that a relationship doesn't need to be a renovation project to function properly. Sorry about your GF's slutty behavior, but at least now you know. Be glad you two didn't buy a house, get married, have children, or anything like that. You can walk away from her knowing she bears the responsibility for losing you. Just don't look back. You know it's funny, I've been giving advice on this forum for over 4 years with a concentration within this sub-forum, but no amount of sense could prepare anyone, when their own heart is involved. Like a drug, you never feel that you would ever be the one in the position. It is definitely a lesson learned.
Author Javelin Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 I think I need more help guys and I don't know what to do; I mean, I know what to do... I just don't want to doubt myself. Last night, she poured her soul to me and as I did to her. Throughout our relationship, I can't say it has not been hard, but she is not the only one that has done things to hurt the other. I have no excuse for my actions during times of hardship and as my unfaithfulness is not on the same level as hers, cheating is cheating, whether it be emotional, physical or both. I was never strong enough to tell her about my ordeal with another woman; until my heart exploded last night. Her unfaithfulness was not due to the fact that she was trying to hurt me; she did hit rock bottom and just did not care about anything, not even herself. What I'm trying to say is that my heart wants to give her another chance, but is it the right thing to do? It's so hard to forget and I don't want to be hurt or hurt her again. We both understand that it was stupid on both accounts and we both understand that our old relationship has to be forgotten. We know what lies ahead and the rebuild process is something we both want to attempt. However, I don't believe the person that lost control this week was the woman that I (can admittedly say) that I fell in love with. Last night was probably the most emotionally frustrating, but mentally relieving night imaginable. This girl has been in my life for a very long time and I want to give her that second chance to prove herself to me and vice versa. Last night, she has begged me to reconsider and deeply touched my very being and within this broken heart, I believe that she is/was speaking from her soul. She has bent over backwards to contact me and tell me her true feelings. We spent hours talking after I finally answered and she explained to me that people do make mistakes and for once in her life, throughout all the previous depression she made the ultimate mistake by hurting me and would do anything to keep me and mend me. Honestly? I want her too.. Anyone else and I'd be gone, but this girl is so special. If not, I lose my best friend, soul mate, and companion for the rest of my life. Even through all the hardships, she was indeed stronger then me. She was able to tell me, while I kept secrets from her until today. Even in her past she was able to forgive and forget her ex-boyfriend for cheating and worked things out. I know people make mistakes, but do they often make the same mistake twice? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189934/ This thread, " is it ever worth taking back a cheater "
lostsunsets Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 She is a train wreck and addicted to drama. Its your life, but I'd dump her.
Author Javelin Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 She is a train wreck and addicted to drama. Its your life, but I'd dump her. I think she was a train wreck, but pushing me away to the point of losing our friendship and relationship was the biggest wake up call, even if it resulted from cheating. Like I said though, I had to come clean as well and I know that we'll never trust each other the same way and this will most likely always linger in the background. I have a feeling that we can build and even better relationship and level of trust because of it. I've never heard anyone cry from their inside before last night and the level of commitment that she has shown really proved that perhaps there is hope. I could hear it in her voice, as our souls finally let go and became one being, it was truly amazing. It's so hard to explain what I'm feeling right now and while I still feel hurt, crushed, and betrayed, I remain optimistic because she and I really never had the chance to truly connect because of her past and our start up and now's the chance to really make a difference. We both know it'll take everything that we can give to make this work from here on out and I think that we're both ready to do so. It sucks how fate works, but I really do want to give her a very healthy second chance. I read in a earlier thread that, " It takes years to build trust, but mere minutes to completely break it. " This is so true, but I now believe that she has what it takes to rebuild it with me.
rbuterl406 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Dude, despite what anyone tells you on this thread, you are going to do what you want to do in the end. It may be for the better, maybe for the worst, who is to judge? Maybe she will really change for all we know. I know it really seems to everyone else reading that you are playing an absolute fool, but don't worry. Love will make us do some very stupid and foolish things (Lord knows I have, and probably still am), but ultimately you will follow your heart. Good luck.
Author Javelin Posted May 31, 2009 Author Posted May 31, 2009 Dude, despite what anyone tells you on this thread, you are going to do what you want to do in the end. It may be for the better, maybe for the worst, who is to judge? Maybe she will really change for all we know. I know it really seems to everyone else reading that you are playing an absolute fool, but don't worry. Love will make us do some very stupid and foolish things (Lord knows I have, and probably still am), but ultimately you will follow your heart. Good luck. Am I really being stupid? Am I setting myself up for failure again? Then, why is my heart telling me to give her another chance? My mind is telling me to give up and run away, which is why I'm torn down the middle. All my friends are saying to give her that chance, despite everything done. I've even spoke with a complete stranger yesterday that came to the conclusion that I should give her that chance too. All her friends (which some are mine as well) have told her to do any and everything in the world to at least regain my trust and fix what she has broke. Would I really be playing the fool to give her that 2nd chance? Despite knowing that even if the roles had been reversed, if I had cheated, that I would beg for that chance as well?
rbuterl406 Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 Simply put, your mind is thinking logically, your heart is thinking with pure emotion and love. Love isn't always right, but sometimes we don't want to right if love is wrong. Don't worry about being "stupid", because you will do what you want to. But, by giving her this chance, you are sending her the message that she can get away with quite a lot, with little to no consequence. You have to make her work for your trust, and probably a few other favors she once enjoyed. I'm not saying to be a jerk, but don't make it as good for her as she once had it, at least not right away.
Author Javelin Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 Simply put, your mind is thinking logically, your heart is thinking with pure emotion and love. Love isn't always right, but sometimes we don't want to right if love is wrong. Don't worry about being "stupid", because you will do what you want to. But, by giving her this chance, you are sending her the message that she can get away with quite a lot, with little to no consequence. You have to make her work for your trust, and probably a few other favors she once enjoyed. I'm not saying to be a jerk, but don't make it as good for her as she once had it, at least not right away. Yeah, you're definitely right. I think she understands and is willing to sacrifice what it'll take to rebuild my trust. Of course she is worried that it may not work out the way she wants it and she understands that I may not be able to go through with this, but she is adamant to at least try as hard as it is humanly possible. I will be strong in the respect that I will certainly make her work to regain everything and I've told her that. She knows things won't be the same as they were before, but perhaps that's a good thing? I honestly, do not want things to be the way they were before all of this crap happened. On the brighter side, we have a scheduled, 'first date' this coming Sunday and apparently she has planned something for me. I'm really interested to see what she has come up with, but it really shows and makes me happy that she is trying her absolute hardest. She's also allowing time for me to heal and is expressing a ton of reassurance for the long haul. Which makes me remember - I told her, 'this is NOT just about me, but this is ultimately about our relationship together.' I also told her that, 'her needs are also a priority' and that, as a couple, if she has any issues what-so-ever, that they be expressed and addressed. I still have to maintain my duties as a boyfriend because we're both in this together. Again, I can't say my thank enough for your input, it helps and I love hearing feedback towards all of this, so please don't be shy and post your thoughts!
RunawayTrain Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 First off let me say that I deeply sympathize with how much pain you are in. In my eyes cheating is the ultimate gut renching betrayal of trust and the feelings associated with it are cognizent of someone sticking a knife in your heart. I have been there before and I will do my best to offer my advice. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You may love your girlfriend but she does not respect you. Respect is a huge part of a relationship. This will happen again, mark my words. It seems like she has some underlying emotional issues that need some serious attention. I am a firm believer that once a cheater always a cheater. If I were you I would maintain your dignity and walk away. After walking away I would take the time to heal yourself and find a woman worthy of your love and affection. If you can get past the fact that another mans penis was inside your girlfriend then by all means stay with her, but you are in for a rough ride.
Author Javelin Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 First off let me say that I deeply sympathize with how much pain you are in. In my eyes cheating is the ultimate gut renching betrayal of trust and the feelings associated with it are cognizent of someone sticking a knife in your heart. I have been there before and I will do my best to offer my advice. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You may love your girlfriend but she does not respect you. Respect is a huge part of a relationship. This will happen again, mark my words. It seems like she has some underlying emotional issues that need some serious attention. I am a firm believer that once a cheater always a cheater. If I were you I would maintain your dignity and walk away. After walking away I would take the time to heal yourself and find a woman worthy of your love and affection. If you can get past the fact that another mans penis was inside your girlfriend then by all means stay with her, but you are in for a rough ride. I'm torn by everything that you've said.
malibustacydoll Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your relationship turning out like this. I have a similar issue with my now ex as of the last few hours boyfriend. His involves more online and a lot of lying. I would be interested in any advice since you are a guy and are on the other end of the stick... you can read my last post. Thanks.
Author Javelin Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 I am sorry to hear about your relationship turning out like this. I have a similar issue with my now ex as of the last few hours boyfriend. His involves more online and a lot of lying. I would be interested in any advice since you are a guy and are on the other end of the stick... you can read my last post. Thanks. I would be more than happy to offer advice!
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