tess09 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I have been married to my jr. high school sweetheart for 12 years. I am the one with the degree, the main brain of our home business and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being so stressed about how the bills are going to be paid. He is a wonderful partner, father and friend (I know, I have it all), so why am I complaining? Sometimes I feel like I just want a sugar daddy! Is it so wrong to at this point in my life to feel like I just want to be taken care of instead of all the pressure being on me all the time? He helps support me with the business, but without me, it fails. In the interim, he tries to come up with other forms of income but ultimately ends up volunteering in hopes of getting on the payroll....WTF, I'm over it! How do you love someone so much but in a sense, resent them for not taking this burden? I never got married with the intention of someone taking care of me soley, but I certainly never thought it would soley be me Now I'm not so opposed to marrying for money!
blowingthetrout Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I have been married to my jr. high school sweetheart for 12 years. I am the one with the degree, the main brain of our home business and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being so stressed about how the bills are going to be paid. He is a wonderful partner, father and friend (I know, I have it all), so why am I complaining? Sometimes I feel like I just want a sugar daddy! Is it so wrong to at this point in my life to feel like I just want to be taken care of instead of all the pressure being on me all the time? He helps support me with the business, but without me, it fails. In the interim, he tries to come up with other forms of income but ultimately ends up volunteering in hopes of getting on the payroll....WTF, I'm over it! How do you love someone so much but in a sense, resent them for not taking this burden? I never got married with the intention of someone taking care of me soley, but I certainly never thought it would soley be me Now I'm not so opposed to marrying for money! well did 12 years ago did you not have a problem with him taking care of the kids while you got a degree, or how did that work? sounds like you got a good guy and it's sad that you sound like you'd piss it away for money.
Author tess09 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 No kids 12 years ago and I actually worked while I was going to school....still paying off that debt too. I certainly don't want to piss it all away for money, I know how it sounds....I guess I want my cake and eat it too. Never had it all and I guess I'm craving it now
CarrieT Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I did almost the exact same thing for twelve years! I met this wonderful guy when I was 29 and he was 27. Back then, it was no big deal for a guy to wear jeans and a t-shirt, have a pony tail, and still have that rock-n-roll lifestyle demeanor. Twelve years later -- I am past 41 -- and he was exactly the same except that the pony tail was studded with grey hairs and the jeans had a lot more holes. And I was working three jobs to cover the bills while he was still a night clerk at Target. My only saving grace was that we never had children and there was no marriage certificate, but breaking up with him was still difficult. There was no cheating, lying, or abuse; just stagnancy and I felt like a mother, taking care of a boy who had no aspirations (I'll throw it the fact that he couldn't drive and wouldn't go see a doctor or a dentist despite the fact that his teeth were rotting out of his mouth). In our 12 years together, I not only finished a bachelor's but a master's degree as well and I couldn't get him to finish his GED...
Holding-On Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 :bunny:If it makes you feel any better, I believe many breadwinning men long for a sugar momma too. And I imagine they would nod along with you in having this fantasy. My husband sprouted many gray hairs when I didn't have a green card, we had a young baby and he was solely and legally responsible for us. He said that it was an instant crush. The burden of always having to have income. He has relaxed a lot since our children got into school and I went back to work.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 He is a wonderful partner, father and friend (I know, I have it all), so why am I complaining? Sometimes I feel like I just want a sugar daddy! Is it so wrong to at this point in my life to feel like I just want to be taken care of instead of all the pressure being on me all the time? If he's the "househusband" and does a good job of holding down the fort with kids, etc., then how is your situation any different than a working husband whose wife is a SAHM? And why do you feel that his contribution has so little value ??? Mr. Lucky
Enema Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Well, you have only 2 ways you can aim for a future where you're happy: 1) Leave him and find someone who's more driven and successful 2) Sit him down and tell him how you feel and hope he changes, set an internal time limit on it, then leave if he doesn't take steps. Don't try to force it.
soserious1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 My guess if you had someone who worked hard and strived for success outside of his family, you wouldn't be happy either. You would complain that he didn't pay you any attention, support your career, help with the kids, housework or that you were lonely. You would then be looking somewhere else to have your needs met. So it's six in one hand and half a dozen in the other. Have you ever seen the movie WHY DID I GET MARRIED? They talk about the 80/20 rule. 80% of your life and marriage are what you want and need, but that 20% nags at you. It constantly tells you that you are lacking and missing something important. In reality you become so focused on what you believe is missing, you are willing to ditch the 80% to find the missing 20%. Usually the 20% isn't something that makes a good marriage, it is just something we want, not what we need. Sounds like you have a good man. A good man, that's not cheating, putting you down, nagging about you being the breadwinner. A man who is proud to stand beside you or behind you while you shine in the spotlight. Sounds like he is proud of you and respects you a great deal. You say he is trying to bring in income. He isn't sitting on his azz waiting for the opportunity to knock on the door and come sit down with him. You are blessed, take a close look at these forums and see just how blessed you really are. I remember being the sole breadwinner and all other issues with my Ex aside what used to bother me was how he actively minimized my role, he also acted totally bored by any discussion of things like our investment accounts. I was totally responsible for not only earning the money but also for our future planning. Also, he would often ask the obligatory "how was your day ?" question but it quickly became clear that he wasn't interested in any answer other than "fine". He wasn't too keen on knowing in any kind of depth about what I do. Over time, it began feeling very lonely and I began to resent his lack of interest in issues which impacted both of us. On the rare occasions when he would get a few days work, he complained and carried on so one would have thought that the man invented work
manugeorge Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Why are you the Sole breadwinner? most households have dual breadwinners so neither party feels jipped. Does your husband have no skills that can help him get a fulltime job?
Author tess09 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 My guess if you had someone who worked hard and strived for success outside of his family, you wouldn't be happy either. You would complain that he didn't pay you any attention, support your career, help with the kids, housework or that you were lonely. You would then be looking somewhere else to have your needs met. So it's six in one hand and half a dozen in the other. Have you ever seen the movie WHY DID I GET MARRIED? They talk about the 80/20 rule. 80% of your life and marriage are what you want and need, but that 20% nags at you. It constantly tells you that you are lacking and missing something important. In reality you become so focused on what you believe is missing, you are willing to ditch the 80% to find the missing 20%. Usually the 20% isn't something that makes a good marriage, it is just something we want, not what we need. Sounds like you have a good man. A good man, that's not cheating, putting you down, nagging about you being the breadwinner. A man who is proud to stand beside you or behind you while you shine in the spotlight. Sounds like he is proud of you and respects you a great deal. You say he is trying to bring in income. He isn't sitting on his azz waiting for the opportunity to knock on the door and come sit down with him. You are blessed, take a close look at these forums and see just how blessed you really are. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. So many great points were made. I am looking at all angles here and am so thankful that I found all of you!!!!
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Marriage is a team effort. I'll tell you how it went the the carhill jr. household. Dad worked. Mom was a SAHM. Dad brought home paycheck. Mom managed paycheck to meet household goals. Mom and Dad consulted on major decisions. Mom parented carhill during the day. Mom and dad parented at night and on weekends. Dad taught carhill at a young age he would be working in some capacity for the rest of his life. That, for carhill, started at age 11. So, that's 39 years at the grindstone, so far. Now, what about your marriage is a team effort and when did you realize you were going to have to work the rest of your life? Do you now see how it is for a man? Not all stripper joints and beer, is it? Hope you find your peace and you and H can work out that team effort. I think you (and he) are more fortunate than you might realize right now. Best wishes
Dexter Morgan Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hey, blame Susan B. Anthony. Its all her fault!
stace79 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I am very glad to have stumbled upon this thread! I am in a similar situation with my fiance. I make twice what he makes right now, and while I don't mind earning more money in the family, I do want him to be at minimum able to take care of himself. So far he is struggling to do that. I don't mind having a team effort, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. If one person is making more money and/or working longer hours, then the other should help out by cleaning or shopping or taking care of kids, etc. To me it's not so much about who's making what, it's equal partnership in one way or the other... I would suggest just talking to him about how much pressure you're feeling. Maybe he will be understanding?
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