Charmaine_Champagne Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 i'm 100 days NC now and have only had really minimal efforts from my ex so i've taken every1s advice, gone against my heart and maintained NC. i have no doubt that he misses me like he says he does (we were together 6 years) but surely if it was troubling him that much and if he was really worried about losing me he would call me or make more of an effort rather than just sending the odd text msg/email here and there to gauge my reaction.. if it really bothered him he'd turn up at my door, right? or is he worried he's left it too late? ppl tell me if he wants me i'd know about it, if he wants me he'd call. he ended it with me so do i just wait this out? does it matter what i do? do my actions matter.. does it matter if i'm NC, does it push him away, put him off contacting me? or are my actions irrelevant in the sense that if he really wants me it won't matter what i do because he will try regardless?
stillafool Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I'm sorry but you are right. If he wanted you he would have called you and told you he missed you and wanted you back by now. Keep the NC going and you will heal. He may be seeing someone else by now. That's how men are. You will be okay.
Ayla Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think it depends on the break up and the persons involved and their personalities. I am not sure of your situation - can you tell me briefly what happened? NC - is great for a lot of circumstances, but there are some cases where it might not be the best way forward.
contax Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You've been posting alot today. I think you're using nc to get back with him. Just heal, he doesn't sound like a good guy. He may not be with someone. Stillafool says that he's probably with someone else - "cause that's how men are." That's a generalization. I've come to realize men and women are almost the same these days. I don't go around saying all women are branch swingers...please don't make generalizations. Sorry Stillafool.....my girl hooked up with a guy 3 days after our 5 years together and It's still a bit challenging. Keep going NC. I'm 1 month and a bit in, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. I keep it moving though, work and healing.
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 yeh i've been posting alot, having a bad day. you can read some of my first posts here which explain the whole story. ive also posted today entitled ''100 days NC not feeling any better'' or something along those lines. it goes into more detail but it's very long and boring. my ex has said he misses me in texts and short emails but i feel if he really wants me and wants to make amends he should phone me or reach out more as opposed to just afew words on a screen ya know. 100 days NC and i still feel in limbo, really need to talk to him. but he has to be the one who initiates NC as he ended things and treated me like a fool. or rather i let him treat me like a fool. i think the main reason i'm doing Nc, and have kept going with the NC is because every1 else, my family, friends, every1 on here has been telling me to and plus my mom would be very angry if i contacted him after how he treated me but deep down i'd love to contact him, talk, get closure, etc
contax Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I read your other posts. 100 days is amazing. I wanted to get closure too..but my firned said how can you get closure with someone like her? She won't get it...I just wanted to let her know she betrayed me and I told her...it doesn't click with her and she takes no responsiblity...+ she keep scalling me.....it's challenging. I know your saying you feel he really wants you back. Wait till he begs, cries and pleads honestly. I know it's exciting to hear from them too. Keep the NC your my new inspiration. I'm on 1 month and a few days..and yesterday was challenging.
cabarc1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I saw ur post on "stupid girl to wise woman"....... the two posts about the girls that kept dumping their ex and their ex finally putting their foot down and moving on happened to me as well. I did the same thing, and yes, he should come back begging, crying, blowing ur phone up!!! whatever u do, don't wait for him to do that. I did all that for 3 months and finally gave up. My ex eventually wanted to give me one last chance after a year went by but he dumped me soon after. Point is, it took me a while to realize how much i really did appreciate him. I believe people can change, and i've grown up a lot. Most don't change though so don't count on it. Dont take him back unless he comes to ur door groveling. U need to keep up the NC and move on. Trust me, he knows where u are and if he wants u back, he will make the effort!
Ayla Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Ok - I had a quick read of your 100 days one. Very briefly...but in a nutshell - it seems you were together and the next you were not, and there was no reason given to you? Did he meet someone else? Cheat on you? Can you do me a favour - have a read of the following thread [COLOR=#990000]looking for some male insight....[/COLOR] there is some great advice given on there from 4 lovely people (including me ) - and we come from all different ranges of experience. I will still stand by that NC is great, and everyone should do it, but depending on the people involved and how the break up happened - will determine how to best approach it. Your bloke may not have the guts to do more than message you, he might be reaching out to you, he might be embarrassed in the way that he treated you. Then again - he could be just letting you knwo how he feels and that it. Anyway - have a read of the thread....
Author Charmaine_Champagne Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 yeh that is it exactly, one week things were fine, the next we weren't together, he gave me NO EXPLANATION, NOTHING. i thought i would eventually find my answer but here we are 100 days later and i still have no clue what on earth was going on back then, i can only torture myself with that. that is why it is hard for me to move on. i don't know was he cheating, did he want me out of the way to get with some1 else, was he in some kind of trouble, in debt, had he gone out got drunk and done something and couldn't face me?? i have no idea. but something was certainly wrong. this is why i'd like to speak with him, to have my say and this is also why i feel he CAN'T get in touch with me because he knows he will have a lot of explaining to do. so he sends little short txts every month or so that just say 'i miss you' i feel this is perhaps his way of reaching out but every1 tells me not to answer so i'm still left wondering. whatever the hell it was that happened back in February that caused him to completely abandon me and his behavior should be enough to make me not want to talk to him i guess but i want closure. thank u so much for your reply, i shall have a look at that link now, i guess i'm having a bad day. feel like ive done well in reaching 100 days NC and haven't given into temptation but at the same time i feel i still want answers. its like an addiction. i'm gonna read that link now so thanks for ur help. i feel that if he is with some1 else, why message me at all, why send emails and tell me he is looking a photos of me, that he misses me and attach a little jpeg of a cute photo of me in the email?!! ahhhhh. like i said in another post, he is no shakespeare, he prob struggles with what to say to me/how to contact me and maybe he is reaching out but if so why can't he have the balls to lift the damn phone or swallow his pride and pay me a visit at my house. until he does i guess i have to keep NC. i shall have a look at your link now, ta
BCCA Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I remember when I got to the 100 day mark, and had the same feelings. I'm past the 200 day mark recently, still havent heard anything, and dont really care. The problem is, I think we were both thinking that NC would cause more of a reaction out of our ex's, and thats not usually what happens. Like NoFoolin used to say, your ex is not pimping this site and wondering what youre thinking. They were over the relationship, and have either moved on or are trying to. Its 110% true, if your ex wants you back, they would walk through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you. Anything less than coming out and saying they made a mistake and want you back is pointless, anyway, so who cares if they call and ask what youre up to? Waste of your time/emotions. Here is the best advice I can give: forget about him calling and wanting to work it out, it probably wont happen. Im a firm believer that if someone doesnt want you today, theyre not going to want you any more tomorrow. I know, there are some exceptions to the rules, but I wouldnt hold out hope for those. I know how you feel, but youll be just fine one day.
stillafool Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You've been posting alot today. I think you're using nc to get back with him. Just heal, he doesn't sound like a good guy. He may not be with someone. Stillafool says that he's probably with someone else - "cause that's how men are." That's a generalization. I've come to realize men and women are almost the same these days. I don't go around saying all women are branch swingers...please don't make generalizations. Sorry Stillafool.....my girl hooked up with a guy 3 days after our 5 years together and It's still a bit challenging. Keep going NC. I'm 1 month and a bit in, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. I keep it moving though, work and healing. Sorry Contax, you are right. Women are just as bad. Usually when someone breaks up and doesn't get back in touch it's because they have someone else waiting in the wings.
stillafool Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Okay Charmaine, I read your original story and your ex BF is definitely playing "mean" games with you. I feel he is trying to keep you on a string while he does what he wants to do. I think it was disrespectful of him to text you "why haven't I heard from you" when he is the one who broke up with you. Does he think you are a yo-yo? I and your family and friends may think he is a creep but I know you love him. 6 yrs. is a long time. If you want him back the next time you hear from him tell him that until he is ready to talk to you honestly about what happened and what is going on with him you aren't interested. Then go back to strictly NC on him. Don't answer any of his contacts. I know it's hard to get interested in someone else right now but you should definitely start dating other guys. If he sees that you are moving on with your life that will wake him up and perhaps he will make a move. If he knows you are sitting around pinning for him he will just keep up his childish behavior.
stillafool Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Oh and one more thing. Most people are cowards when it comes to break-ups. They would rather just lose contact or come up with some bulls--t excuse than to tell you to your face that they want to break up. They don't like to burn bridges in case they want to come back.
CaliGuy Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 i'm 100 days NC now and have only had really minimal efforts from my ex so i've taken every1s advice, gone against my heart and maintained NC. i have no doubt that he misses me like he says he does (we were together 6 years) but surely if it was troubling him that much and if he was really worried about losing me he would call me or make more of an effort rather than just sending the odd text msg/email here and there to gauge my reaction.. if it really bothered him he'd turn up at my door, right? or is he worried he's left it too late? ppl tell me if he wants me i'd know about it, if he wants me he'd call. he ended it with me so do i just wait this out? does it matter what i do? do my actions matter.. does it matter if i'm NC, does it push him away, put him off contacting me? or are my actions irrelevant in the sense that if he really wants me it won't matter what i do because he will try regardless? No. If he wants you, REALLY wants you, he won't call. He'd be beating your door down. Calling? That's akin to basically dropping breadcrumbs. You should look up some threads from Foxh1234 (I think that's his handle). His ex cheated on him, moved in with her new boyfriend and left him holding the bag. 4 months later she was LITERALLY beating down his door, showing up at his house, his work and even the golf course. See my point? If people really want you they will track you down and get in your grill so to speak. I think calling/texting/emailing is only to put "feelers" out there to see if you'd still be receptive to their advances. It's their way of making sure you are still available to them *IF* they decide they want you. If they *KNEW* they wanted you, they'd be at your door.
NopeNah Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 No. If he wants you, REALLY wants you, he won't call. He'd be beating your door down. Calling? That's akin to basically dropping breadcrumbs. You should look up some threads from Foxh1234 (I think that's his handle). His ex cheated on him, moved in with her new boyfriend and left him holding the bag. 4 months later she was LITERALLY beating down his door, showing up at his house, his work and even the golf course. See my point? If people really want you they will track you down and get in your grill so to speak. I think calling/texting/emailing is only to put "feelers" out there to see if you'd still be receptive to their advances. It's their way of making sure you are still available to them *IF* they decide they want you. If they *KNEW* they wanted you, they'd be at your door. As usual...SPOT ON! I'm begining to get a bit annoyed that my ex keeps showing up where im at only to see me. I think i moved on without even knowing it..
playlislay Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 It all depends whether he has tried the begging game and did not succeed. I too would LOVE to be back with my ex, but Ive tried and had no luck. He was adamant that what I ever I did or said would change anything. I dont want to look like a fool by bashing down on his door only to be rejected again. That would break my heart ( I dont know your full story, but let this dude know that if he does want you then he is going to have to try harder.
crackerjax9 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 my ex keeps randomly texting me so what i told him was to leave me alone if he really doesnt want me...and if he does want me to be a man and pick up the phone..he hasnt called so i got my answer...im done playing his dumb text games i really think he has to realize what life is like without you so dont answer texts...if he wants u back hell come begging
twicebitten Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 ... I NOW BELIEVE (after months of accepting the crumbs I was thrown) that if ANYONE, man or woman (but especially a man) REALLY wants you ... wants you BACK that they WILL make some GRAND gesture!! I was waiting 4 my ex to match his WORDS & show up on a damn white horse & swoop me up into the stupid-sunset!!!! NEVER happened OC!! LOL!! BUT years ago I DID have 2 exes that really SHOWED me ... one by serenading me under my window (NEVER forget that) he'd broken-up with me, but I took him back after that (how could I not) unfortunately he died so never ended up marrying him... sigh! And another guy (who I broke it off with, but without a 'real' reason) drove an hour in a storm, with a head-cold ... on his motorcycle to read me a poem he wrote me (I was touched & therefore gave him a REAL, valid reason he deserved)!! My point is ... YES, if one is in-love ... really wants the other ... they will KNOW it & SHOW it!!! So, they better show up on a damn white horse ... or at least SHOW UP @ your door with their hearts-on-sleve & LOVE in their eyes! WE ALL DESERVE THIS!!! XO - TB -
BlueHarvest Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I think it depends on the break up and the persons involved and their personalities. I am not sure of your situation - can you tell me briefly what happened? NC - is great for a lot of circumstances, but there are some cases where it might not be the best way forward. Best advice I've seen on this site yet. I'm reading this thread and I get the feeling that it's predominately female biased. That's not to say that it's can't happen the other way, but I can tell by the tone and the general consensus of "he'll come to you if he really wants you." I just want to bring the "other side" into the equation and I think Ayla put it best. No contact is great for alot of situations, but sometimes it's not the only thing you need to do. If *HE* broke up with you, it's for a reason. Before you all go and get in your tower (waiting for your prince charming to ride in on a white horse), you better be sure there isn't anything you could have done or can still do. Maybe he felt like you weren't recpricating in the relationship, maybe he felt like you weren't spending enough time, etc etc. A relationship is a two way street. He may be hurting but not want to "make up" simply because there were things about you that just weren't agreeing with him. Remember to think about what your role in the relationship was as well. Don't just assume that he had a girl "waiting in the wings" to be with as soon as he dumped you. Remember the age old adage that your parents used to tell you. When you assume you make an *ASS* out of *U* and *ME*
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 BlueHarvest, I would normally agree that there are two sides to every story but in this situation, it doesn't matter if there are two sides. He gave no reason for the breakup. It's just a waste of time, energy and emotion, to try to "guess" and in doing so, it won't make a spit of difference, if he doesn't want to work on it. Keep in mind, that with two sides to the story, you can bet he also had "issues" of his own. Charmaine, just keep on moving on. 100 days is great progress. Now all you have to do is to forgive yourself, particularly for all the imaginary "things" you're probably beating yourself over and then let him go.
Recommended Posts