confusedinkansas Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 dobler - Mine's been over for almost 2 yrs & lately I have been having those same feelings myself. The "gremlins" that take over my thoughts. I curse them away - they creep back. I'd LOVE to hear how you're supposed to get rid of those nagging thoughts. I get so MAD at myself when I realize how my thoughts have drifted towards someone that I have NO interest in anymore. Good luck - I'll keep reading - it might help me too.
Author dobler33 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 2 years, eh, kansas? ai dios. i did NOT want to hear that. i think someone earlier said something to the effect that it doesn't ever stop completely, you just get used to it. i wonder why it's happening for you lately, after so long? any thoughts/ideas on that? is there something else going on in your life that might be triggering those thoughts and memories?
White Flower Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Hi dob, I call a friend. I was very tempted recently to show up where I knew he'd be and my friend happened to call me. She was very insistent I come spend the night and spend the next day together. I couldn't figure out why she was so insistent, but I finally caved in to my friend's invitation. I guess it was fate. I was literally in my car and headed in his direction when she called me. I turned around, packed my bag, and went to her house for the whole weekend. In this case she invited me, but I have called upon friends during moments like these and they usually talked me out of it, even if they didn't know I was going to do a drive by. Come to think of it, I have never actually gone through with a drive by, but have thought about it many times.
tami-chan Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 this may seem like a bit of a TJ, but am wondering how people after d-day or end of A get back to being productive at work. I seem to get stuff done around the house okay -- mindless cleaning is kind of helpful. Not much of a baker, but maybe I should try it, Dobler But when it comes to actual work, I'm just a mess. Can't concentrate, don't actively participate in meetings, avoid contact with others. Not a great strategy in a downturn environment!!!! About 6 months after D-day, I knew exactly what I needed to do and I was very focused...1) protect my child from all the emotional chaos 2) get the college degree I was always meant to have. I had a sense of urgency to never be at my WH's mercy-emotionally and financially. I was on a mission to succeed. I did not allow myself to get bogged down by asking questions about his affair. Even though it was devastating and it took a great toll on me, healthwise, still I kept thinking, "I am a mother, another life is depending on me to be ok".
Author dobler33 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 Hi dob, I call a friend. I was very tempted recently to show up where I knew he'd be and my friend happened to call me. She was very insistent I come spend the night and spend the next day together. I couldn't figure out why she was so insistent, but I finally caved in to my friend's invitation. I guess it was fate. I was literally in my car and headed in his direction when she called me. I turned around, packed my bag, and went to her house for the whole weekend. In this case she invited me, but I have called upon friends during moments like these and they usually talked me out of it, even if they didn't know I was going to do a drive by. Come to think of it, I have never actually gone through with a drive by, but have thought about it many times. oh goodness, WF, i didn't mean an actual drive-by! i'm glad you haven't done a drive-by. i was speaking metaphorically, the way those unwanted thoughts just zoom past and shoot you down in the street no matter how well protected you are. did anyone else think that? i have not done any drive-bys. i don't even have a car.
confusedinkansas Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 2 years, eh, kansas? ai dios. i did NOT want to hear that. i think someone earlier said something to the effect that it doesn't ever stop completely, you just get used to it. i wonder why it's happening for you lately, after so long? any thoughts/ideas on that? is there something else going on in your life that might be triggering those thoughts and memories? My H & I were separated for a year -(Not because of the affair) The Ex & I hadn't been together for 8 months prior to my moving out. But after I did, he came around again, not sexually, just as friends, talking, hanging out etc. Last time I spent any time with him was dinner & drinks at our fav. restaurant at Christmastime. So while the affair has been over for a long time - we still "tried" to be friends. (THAT doesn't work, for anyone that wants to know) WHY NOW Well, this week is his birthday ** A change in MY life....I put my notice in on my apartment - have been there 1 1/2 yrs -Since my H & I are working things out I'll be moving back to our home in July. **EXMM lives within 45 seconds of my apt. & am always tempted to drive by his place. (but don't - that's a tough one to fight) I really do become furious with myself for letting the thoughts in - but as most of us know, we really can't control our thoughts. I'm hoping that after some other issues are ironed out in my life, all thoughts of him will disappear & maybe only creep in on rare occasion. I'd hope the same for everyone that has to deal with this.
2sure Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I'm out there, baby. Really out there. It's gotten scary.:bunny:Nothing to lose, anymore. Very freeing. I agree with Reggie. And sure, its scary. But the "very freeing" when you have nothing more to lose is NOT a bad thing. I embraced it. Dobler, you truly have nothing ahead but improvement. Either your marriage and relationship with your H improves OR you move on alone , a more experienced, maybe more complicated, but certainly a fuller person. You are in crisis. It will pass. You will survive it. Make the results good.
Author dobler33 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 thanks, 2sure! i feel like i'm definitely on the mend, as is my marriage. i'm finding an interesting pattern in my dreaming over this process; at first i dreamt about him every night, horrible blurry weeping pain-drenched montages from which i always awoke sobbing. then those started to get fewer, and i started to dream about MM's wife, who had also been a close friend of mine. those dreams were conflicted and strange; some were about missing her and feeling ashamed, and some were about being gut-wrenchingly envious of something she had that i didn't (in one she was proposed to by a TV star i have kind of a crush on - dream interpretation 101, right?). now, the last few nights i've been dreaming about their kids, who i loved fiercely and was totally prepared to co-parent. i guess i'm letting go of a little piece at a time, one more chunk with every dream. i am once again blown away by the amazing healing capacity of the human psyche, all the powerful tools we use to recover from trauma.
jj33 Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 Dobler it takes time. For awhile you will expect to call him. But its how you frame it. Instead of being sad, just smile and be proud of the fact that you arent calling him. And create a new ritual for yourself. Why not call your H? All the attention that you poured into OM COULD be focused on your marriage. And why let him claim your whole life? Just beacuse he sat in your office doesnt mean that its tainted. OMG my whole life would be tainted, hes at my office he was regularly in my home... You just have to decide that the ending was a good thing and that when you have a reminder it shows you how much progress you are making, rather than painting it a a bad thing
White Flower Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 oh goodness, WF, i didn't mean an actual drive-by! i'm glad you haven't done a drive-by. i was speaking metaphorically, the way those unwanted thoughts just zoom past and shoot you down in the street no matter how well protected you are. did anyone else think that? i have not done any drive-bys. i don't even have a car. You know, I had a very bad weekend, took some meds that I had a bad reaction to. This is the second thread where I zoomed right past the important details. I think I need to sleep for 24 hours. Bye, and have a productive discussion until I've had enough ZZZZZZZZZ's;)
Author dobler33 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 hey, WF, you ok cookie? hope you're feeling better soon. no drive-bys, now, ok?
LakesideDream Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Dobler, I feel for you lady. It does get better that's a promise. Eventually, if you really, really loved it takes on a surreal quasi reality all it's own. It starts feeling good. When a song on the radio suprises you, you smile, and sing along. When the dreams come they are mini vacations from the everyday. An author once wrote "it's better to love and have lost.......". For half a century I didn't understand that quote. Now it brightens my every day. Buck up, a twinkle is just a smile away.
White Flower Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 hey, WF, you ok cookie? hope you're feeling better soon. no drive-bys, now, ok? I hit the sack early which felt great. Then I woke up to a thunderstorm and thought it was an earthquake! My girls and I sat up for hours and were taken over with a serious case of the giggles. I learned about urbandictionary.com and now know what a 'farting gift' is. It's when you leave the room just after farting. Did I just post that on the internet? No, I guess I'm not an ok cookie:confused: Maybe I'll get the sleep I need tonight but I wouldn't have traded that early a.m. laughter with my girls for anything in the world. Life is good. These are the moments that help you forget about those drive by urges.
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