dobler33 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 ok, so i'd like to poll y'all and ask what kind of strategies you have for dealing with the mean moments. it's been over a month for me now since the end of the A and i'm doing really well, but there are still these unpredictable drive-by moments that bring me almost to my knees. today has been rife with them; at every transition of the day (getting out of session, ending a staff meeting, turning on the computer, etc) when i used to regularly call the MM i just got bludgeoned by a big old poisonous sad stick. it is just so FRUSTRATING, like my brain gets hijacked by evil gremlins and sets me spinning. most of the time i'm great - my work is recovering, my H and i are successfully repairing our marriage, i haven't cried in a week at least. and then these little bastard longings come over me and i HATE it. obviously i know i can't control it, but does anyone have a trick they go to when these moments occur? a mantra, a song, a quote, a frickin dance move for chrissakes? i will totally bust out a dance move in the middle of a busy city street if i think it will help. you think i'm kidding.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I don't think those moments are exclusive to the AP. The BS deals with those as well. I don't know about others, but prayer was a big deal for me. Doing something that made someone else smile. Calling old friends or even remembering what is special about me, no one else, just me. Pampering is a huge distraction. Medi's, pedi's, facials, massages, the works. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Turn to your H when those feelings hit. Tell him you need him.
Reggie Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Seriously, when I fell like crap:bunny:, there is little I can do. It's like having anxiety attacks. Once you've dealt with these for a long time, you just know they won't kill you. So, they are more tolerable(wonder why this doesn't work with waterboarding((stealing from Letterman, sorry)). I bet this stuff gets better with time. You are already noticing a decrease in frequency, right. We are pretty resilient creatures. You could watch a lot of porn, I guess. I tried that:rolleyes:.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Seriously, when I fell like crap:bunny:, there is little I can do. It's like having anxiety attacks. Once you've dealt with these for a long time, you just know they won't kill you. So, they are more tolerable(wonder why this doesn't work with waterboarding((stealing from Letterman, sorry)). I bet this stuff gets better with time. You are already noticing a decrease in frequency, right. We are pretty resilient creatures. You could watch a lot of porn, I guess. I tried that:rolleyes:. Reg, stop trying to freak everybody out.
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 it's harder than you'd think to watch porn in one's therapy office, reggie, but i do appreciate the helpful sentiment. bentnotbroken, thanks as well. i'm glad that your faith helped you. i'm an atheist, so it's harder to find things to put faith into, other than, as reggie points out, the innate resiliency of the human psyche. and of course the BS has these moments - i hope it didn't sound like i was suggesting that moments of pain and loss are unique to one experiential subset. i'm just talking about my own personal experience, which is different and the same simultaneously. it's those pesky both/ands again. ok, keep 'em coming. so far i've got porn, prayer and pedi's. love it.
Reggie Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Reg, stop trying to freak everybody out. I'm out there, baby. Really out there. It's gotten scary.:bunny:Nothing to lose, anymore. Very freeing.
eyeswide Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Yup, bent is right. BS feels 'em too. Funny I think I have used some of the same exact words to describe those hijacking feelings myself. They seem like little creatures waiting to just trip you up, especially when you feel the slightest bit on top of your game. But maybe that's good. You can talk to them - shoo them away - hit 'em with a broomstick. What I also know, though, is that it is up to me to determine what they do or don't mean. For a while, when I was a WW and I ended an EA I used to get tripped up with stupid regret that I didn't actually consummate (sp?) it. I would start to have these intense fantasies about the most amazing sex of my life. However, I just started putting my H in the place of OM and, sure enough, took control over that ****. Too bad my H didn't know it though. Maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat himself.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 it's harder than you'd think to watch porn in one's therapy office, reggie, but i do appreciate the helpful sentiment. bentnotbroken, thanks as well. i'm glad that your faith helped you. i'm an atheist, so it's harder to find things to put faith into, other than, as reggie points out, the innate resiliency of the human psyche. and of course the BS has these moments - i hope it didn't sound like i was suggesting that moments of pain and loss are unique to one experiential subset. i'm just talking about my own personal experience, which is different and the same simultaneously. it's those pesky both/ands again. ok, keep 'em coming. so far i've got porn, prayer and pedi's. love it. No your didn't suggest anything:) I know the moments can be rough, so I thought some of the same things might work for you. Do you meditate, yoga maybe?
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I'm out there, baby. Really out there. It's gotten scary.:bunny:Nothing to lose, anymore. Very freeing. Welcome to our realm. We like newcomers:cool:
Reggie Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Holy smokes, "realm". I'm in a new realm? Do we have a secret handshake, like the Royal Order of Racoons or the Water Buffaloes. By the way, does anyone know when the Miss Water Buffalo contest is airing?
lovekillsslowly Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I don't know what kind of music you like but a group that really helped me is "Theory of a Deadman". They have some great songs about not needing someone, moving on with your life etc. Plus Meredith Brooks "Bitch" and Analysis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know" are really good too. My exMM use to call me every morning between 7:30 and 8:30. For the first few weeks it was so hard to have that time frame come and know the phone wasn't going to ring. What really helped me was downloading those songs onto my iPod and every morning during that time I put my iPod on the docker and just blare the music while I get ready for the day. Those artists and their songs makes me feel strong and help me to know that I can get through this and find happy days again. Hope that helps! On the flip side there are days I'm driving down the road and a song comes on the radio that had special meaning to us and let's just say I can't get that d*#n radio turned off fast enough!!!
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Holy smokes, "realm". I'm in a new realm? Do we have a secret handshake, like the Royal Order of Racoons or the Water Buffaloes. By the way, does anyone know when the Miss Water Buffalo contest is airing? No Miss Water Buffalo contest, reminds me too much of former SIL:sick:
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 No your didn't suggest anything:) I know the moments can be rough, so I thought some of the same things might work for you. Do you meditate, yoga maybe? not well, if truth be told. i'm too ADD. and i'm looking for something to insert right into that moment: when i walk out of my therapy office and into my work office and i unthiningly pick up the phone expecting to have a call from him. when i'm unlocking my car and get bowled over by a memory of a daytrip. when i sign onto facebook and immediately look for his icon in the online box. it's these dumb automatic unconcious moments, really tiny fractions of time that are nevertheless enough to make my stomach drop. THAT'S where i need a silver bullet.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 not well, if truth be told. i'm too ADD. and i'm looking for something to insert right into that moment: when i walk out of my therapy office and into my work office and i unthiningly pick up the phone expecting to have a call from him. when i'm unlocking my car and get bowled over by a memory of a daytrip. when i sign onto facebook and immediately look for his icon in the online box. it's these dumb automatic unconcious moments, really tiny fractions of time that are nevertheless enough to make my stomach drop. THAT'S where i need a silver bullet. You need a phrase that makes you laugh but is the silver bullet you need. My brother's favorite phrase is childish and idiotic, but it works for him "Pee on you!"
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 that is freakin hilarious. i am totally going to use it. it has the added benefit of reminding me of this forum. pee on you indeed. thanks, bnb. anybody else?
tami-chan Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 hi dopler...i know what those moments are-automatically checking your iphone if there is a text,a missed call, etc. It's funny how our habits don't change concurrently with the situations. This is how people of faith trumps ( in a way) people who do not believe in a god, like I don't. There is no "higher being" one can "casts it's burden" to. Although, I am not sure if doing so actually alleviates the longings, or sadness...etc. What I do when I am caught in one of those moments, I deliberately "do something else"...just anything...I do not linger in that moment. I do not allow myself to "experience" the moment. So when I pick up my iphone and there is no text from him...i go to menus and pick a music to play..some crazy 80's music... I am not sure if what I am doing is healthy or not...some say, one has to "experience" the emotions that go with goodbyes-failed relationships-includng friendships, in order to move forward...hmmm..
NoIDidn't Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 What I do when I am caught in one of those moments, I deliberately "do something else"...just anything...I do not linger in that moment. I do not allow myself to "experience" the moment. So when I pick up my iphone and there is no text from him...i go to menus and pick a music to play..some crazy 80's music... I am not sure if what I am doing is healthy or not...some say, one has to "experience" the emotions that go with goodbyes-failed relationships-includng friendships, in order to move forward...hmmm.. I am a person of faith, and I do the same thing. I just get busy doing SOMETHING. Be it cleaning out my walk-in closet, or rearranging my kids' bedroom furniture. I do something DIFFERENT so that I don't think about that thing that makes me sad or anxious.
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 thanks, folks. i'm totally taking all this in and incorporating it. i've been baking up a storm, started reading proust and am interviewing for a new job that, if i get it, will be a big and exciting change with training in a completely new treatment modality. i'm excited to be reimmersing myself in my work and my identity as a psychotherapist. i made the HUGE mistake of letting him come to my office, so sitting with folks in that room has been pretty treacherous. my coworkers, who are generally far more spiritual and woo-woo than i am, did a "cleansing ceremony" in there for me - burned sage and said prayers, and had me burn his first letter to me, the one where he told me he was in love with me. we managed not to set the sprinkler system off, which was an added bonus. it feels a lot better in there now - regardless of my opinion on matters spiritual and religious, i do know that studies have shown that ritual "resets" the brain and aids in healing. and btw, i have SO said "pee on you" out loud in public. i might pass that one on to my patients. if i don't get picked up for mental instability first.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Dob, I think you have those moment/triggers with anything you're trying to quit. When I quit smoking during pregnancy they became so very clear. Coffee breaks, after dinner ect. When my mother passed away the phone trigger at certain times of the day was so bad that I had dialed half the number before I realized what I was doing. Trying to loose a few pounds and stay away from an evening coctail is fine until I walk out to fire up the grill! 21 days to break a habit, or maybe more. I think time is the ticket... that and "pee on you"! I like that bent.
NoIDidn't Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 thanks, folks. i'm totally taking all this in and incorporating it. i've been baking up a storm, Just remember, "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips". LOL i do know that studies have shown that ritual "resets" the brain and aids in healing. I was going to say this but you beat me to it. I read in Psychology Today that getting into a "zone" doing "something" was beneficial to reseting the brain too. I got into my "zone" while folding laundry. Its really soul-killing, mind-numbing drudgery, but you can get into a zone with it. LOL.
Author dobler33 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 "moment on the lips..." dude, i know. it's terrible. the only good thing about the affair was the fact that i dropped down like 2 sizes because of the stress and trauma. i'm one of those people who stops eating when i'm emotionally messed up, which a friend of mine recently pointed out might be perceived to be better than over-eating when emotionally messed up. this may or may not be true, but i'll tell you that the equation "happiness equals weight gain" is not a good one, especially for a former anorexic. i'm working on a balance. aren't we effing all??????
eyeswide Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 this may seem like a bit of a TJ, but am wondering how people after d-day or end of A get back to being productive at work. I seem to get stuff done around the house okay -- mindless cleaning is kind of helpful. Not much of a baker, but maybe I should try it, Dobler But when it comes to actual work, I'm just a mess. Can't concentrate, don't actively participate in meetings, avoid contact with others. Not a great strategy in a downturn environment!!!!
Author dobler33 Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 i don't think that's all that unrelated, eyeswide. it's part of recovering some kind of independent normalcy after the rollercoaster of the affair. as i mentioned above, i actually had to perform a flipping ritual burning in my office in order to start the process of recovering my professional identity. it's really really hard to realign your brain to pay attention to things that are not affair-related. a couple of questions: do you like your work? did you like it before the affair? do you feel you are good at it? if these things are true then it probably won't take very long to get back to the ability to focus on your work. you can remember that part of your identity, part of what makes you unique and worthy is this sense of fulfillment in your work. if you don't like your work, if it was hard-to-attend-to drudgery even before the affair, i would imagine the process might take longer. in fact, that drudgery and dissatisfaction may have been one of the things that was temporarily alleviated by the excitement (both good and bad) of the affair. as you very astutely point out, this is a bad time to consider a career change. but might it be possible, if you are not satisfied with your work, to begin thinking about what you could move towards in terms of finding more joy in your career? it can be almost impossible in the early post-affair stages to imagine any kind of connection with a future, or at least a positive one, but i feel like it's important to take a stab at it. there is a future you out there, one who has healed from this injury, and it's helpful to try to stay in touch with him/her. if you do like your work, i'd say just fake it till you make it. it WILL get easier. hell, even if you hate your work it WILL get easier - it's the only semi-certainty in this mess. i am totally disgusted with myself for saying this because it is just SOOOOOOO cliche and can sound so dismissive, but time does heal all wounds. my experience has been that i love my work even more now that i'm remembering how to be engaged with it. i lived through something i wouldn't have believed i could live through, and am still able to make a difference in the world. that's a lot to be thankful for. the first three weeks were a nightmare, though, i know what you mean. ugh. hang in there.
eyeswide Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Thank you, Dobber. You've given me some great questions to think over. I do like my work, but I think everyone is so nervous in these tough times that they are all kind of trying to make sure they are out there and showing how valuable they are. I just haven't had that kind of energy lately. But maybe I should show that I'm willing to do the boring stuff that no body likes doing. The equivalent of "folding laundry" at the office. LOL.
babydreamer Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I make myself think: - The only person that truly loves me is my h. - My MM didn't care about me, only what is convenience to him and what makes him happy. At the end, he will go back to his W. I started to try and transfer the love for MM onto my H. I asked him why he loves me so much after what I did to him. He simply replied that he can't and has never stop loving me. My tears ran down freely knowing that he will always loves me, why can't love him back. Even though, it's still hard but whenever I'm sad; I asked him to tell me that he has never stop loving me TIME does heal our wound! Just hang in there.
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