xpaperxcutx Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 That's what I figured. So I think I'm just going to assume I'm being strung along then. I attempted to tell him last week, although maybe in the wrong way when asked, that I was having some doubts with all the trouble planning for our last date. He made that big old deal about wanting a chance to show me what type of guy he really is. But that doesn't seem to be happening... well at least not how he put it. He who claims he's a loyal caring honest guy. Another one bites the dust. Dreamer, now you know the only person who's making you feel this bad is D. You said your entire week had been swell, had he been out of the picture, it would have approached fantastic.
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 That's what I figured. So I think I'm just going to assume I'm being strung along then. I attempted to tell him last week, although maybe in the wrong way when asked, that I was having some doubts with all the trouble planning for our last date. He made that big old deal about wanting a chance to show me what type of guy he really is. But that doesn't seem to be happening... well at least not how he put it. He who claims he's a loyal caring honest guy. Another one bites the dust. I don't think he's stringing you along, as that implies a level of selfish intent. It just sounds like he's a go-with-the-flow, "meh" kinda guy. Non-committal, just doing what feels right at the time. But at the same time, that kind of guy DOES turn into the chivalrous creature you long for when he's really into a girl, as most guys do. He very well may be a loyal, caring, honest guy. But that doesn't mean he's the one for you. I promise you, when you like a guy, and he's equally into you, all of the knots in your stomach, the butterflies, the nerves, the constant checking of your phone and email, the anxiety... will disappear. It really will. The demonstration of interest and affection will be equal, in its own way.
Trialbyfire Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 He who claims he's a loyal caring honest guy. Another one bites the dust. Whoah, we're talking about 5 dates and some, not really dates, per se. Time to change your perspective so it's not about someone inflicting things on you, thus always driving the course of your life. It's about you and how you choose to allow someone to treat you. IF someone isn't meeting your needs, don't get bitter about it. Shrug your shoulders, consider it incompatibility and walk away. He's not doing this to hurt or harm you. He's just acting on his own best interests.
mr.dream merchant Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think you go all in when you shouldn't be. Homeboy probably knows its all too easy for him that's why he's just nonchalant about all of it.
northstar1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Dreamer, I think that you've maybe had some disappointment lately with the dating scene because you've placed entirely too much importance on it. It seems that you are focussed on it so much that it's causing you a lot of unneccessary stress and anxiety. I know that you are new to living where you are and are working on making friendships, but I think you may need to build some additional hobbies/distractions into your life so that dating only becomes one more facet of your week, and not the focus. I know when I am bored or not focussed on my fitness/friends/sports/hobbies, that I can get far too attached to dating and the attention I am receiving/not receiving while trying to meet someone. Perhaps you need to find some new ways to keep yourself busy, whether it's taking up a new activity (yoga, a running group, co-ed sports league), social club (there are clubs to join to join others to go hiking, wine tasting etc) or hobby. That way, dating becomes a part of your free time, rather than dictating your happiness entirely.
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Following on what SG has said, it's not about you being overly anxious, it's about him not being all that interested. I remember when I had my last semi-stable relationship. After about 4 months, the guy started losing interest and jerking me around. I started getting anxious and insecue. I confided in a friend who said "But you were doing so great the first 4 months! Looked like you have really worked out your issues!" The truth was, it wasn't that at all. The guy simply gave me no reason to feel insecure or anxious. He called when he said he will, planned dates well in advance, followed through with everything that he said he would do. It really is not you that's the problem.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Eh well he finally wrote back... said his front tires are bad, and couldn't make it, even though he was looking forward to seeing me. This was sent at 2... I'm not bitter. I'm just taking it for what it is.
Star Gazer Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 said his front tires are bad, and couldn't make it, That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Also, does he know what a phone is? Does he assume you're waiting by your email to check and see if he's coming? NEXT!
xpaperxcutx Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Eh well he finally wrote back... said his front tires are bad, and couldn't make it, even though he was looking forward to seeing me. This was sent at 2... I'm not bitter. I'm just taking it for what it is. Different methods of contacting you: texting and calling. Instead he chose to write? At 2 on the day of the date which was to take place at 6? Unbelievable.
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Eh well he finally wrote back... said his front tires are bad, and couldn't make it, even though he was looking forward to seeing me. This was sent at 2... I'm not bitter. I'm just taking it for what it is. You will be bitter...just give it time. I've been here so many times. One guy would call me on a Monday tell me something like 'ok, let's meet up on Saturday, what we'll do is, we'll go for a walk on the harbour, look at the seals, then we'll go to that second hand book market, then maybe we'll get something to eat' and I'd be thinking 'ooh, that all sounds really nice'. Then...nothing, then finally Friday would roll around and I'd call him 'so, what time are we meeting at tomorrow'. 'Oh, yeah, actually I can't make it, I have to work, I'm really busy right now, they tyres on my car are bad, my uncle just died' yadda yadda. These ones are the worst, the ones that want to be with you and are excited about you, when they are with you. When they are spending time with you, I do believe that they truly do want to see you again, that's why it sounds so genuine all the excited plans to meet again, but when they are not with you, that desire somehow fades and they change their mind and become all 'oh well, I'm kind of busy right now'. It's totally confusing. I will echo what Stargazer wrote. Any friends of mine in happy LTR's said that 'it was so easy! There was no waiting by the phone wondering if he'd call, I just knew he liked me and I knew I liked him'. Also interesting (for me) to hear about how the tone of a relationship is set within the first few dates, makes sense I suppose. All I'll say now is if you're seeing this as some kind of rejection, try to turn it around in your head so that this doesn't crush your self-esteem. He was inconsistantly, you (clever girl) picked up on this, hence the posting in LS, you quite rightly got angry that he didn't treat you with politeness and respect by not giving you a time for the meal, and now he hasn't turned up. Well thank God for that, isn't it great that you haven't wasted any more of your precious time on someone who is happy to string you along. At least you didn't buy the groceries, spend hours cooking only to get that message at 5 or something. He's getting a definite slap from me now. big hugs
Author dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Yeah I thought it was pretty lame too. Even if (that's a huge IF) it was true, you'd think he could have had said something, oh I don't know last night or even this morning. I had a feeling this was going to happen.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Yeah I thought it was pretty lame too. Even if (that's a huge IF) it was true, you'd think he could have had said something, oh I don't know last night or even this morning. I had a feeling this was going to happen. And you wasted yesterday and half of today worrying about him. Time to pamper yourself by putting on some slow music and getting a bubble bath... He can rot with his wheel.
Ariadne Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Eh well he finally wrote back... said his front tires are bad, and couldn't make it, even though he was looking forward to seeing me. This was sent at 2... I'm not bitter. I'm just taking it for what it is. Well, at least he had the decency to respond. I wouldn't hold my breath on this one, seems like he folded.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 I responded and told him basically that it seems as though this was becoming a pattern and do not wish to date someone who can't stick to plans, or at least let me know enough in advance of what was going on. Also unable to pick up the phone. He told me I was being harsh, that he didn't ask for this sh*t to happen and was just being up front. Putting it on me.
tkgirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I responded and told him basically that it seems as though this was becoming a pattern and do not wish to date someone who can't stick to plans, or at least let me know enough in advance of what was going on. Also unable to pick up the phone. He told me I was being harsh, that he didn't ask for this sh*t to happen and was just being up front. Putting it on me. oooh.. he's good! or he thinks he is! do NOT let him make you feel bad about any of this... he should have let you know some time yesterday if he was going to make it or not. I think what he was doing was keeping his options open and something else came up. He's showing you his true colors now.. he's a big flake and you deserve better. Like someone else said... NEXT!
tinklebell Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I don't think you would want to go through this over and over again with someone flaky. The more time you spend on this guy, the more threads you're going to post about the same thing (no, not complaining that you're posting too many threads) but I think this will become a long-term problem if you continue seeing this guy. Glad you've put him in his place by telling him straight.
Trialbyfire Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I responded and told him basically that it seems as though this was becoming a pattern and do not wish to date someone who can't stick to plans, or at least let me know enough in advance of what was going on. Also unable to pick up the phone. He told me I was being harsh, that he didn't ask for this sh*t to happen and was just being up front. Putting it on me. "No worries. I hope your tires miraculously recover their tread soon, since they inconveniently went bald in the last 48 hours. Btw, if you have a rear wheel drive, balding front tires don't matter much, unless you're driving at high speeds or in torrential rains and snows. Even if you have a front wheel drive vehicle, as long as you're careful, you should be fine for relatively short distances like your place to mine or you could swap front and rear tires. Take care and good luck with dating. ;)"
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 "No worries. I hope your tires miraculously recover their tread soon, since they inconveniently went bald in the last 48 hours. Btw, if you have a rear wheel drive, balding front tires don't matter much, unless you're driving at high speeds or in torrential rains and snows. Even if you have a front wheel drive vehicle, as long as you're careful, you should be fine for relatively short distances like your place to mine or you could swap front and rear tires. Take care and good luck with dating. ;)" Excellent. Respond with that
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I'll bet today's winner doesn't even know what a lug nut is In nearly 1MM miles of driving, I've only ever had one tire "go bad". I and my wife ended up in a ditch on the opposite side of the highway. Ironically, we were moving goods to her new house Guess the OP's guy has worse luck than me. Let's hope so...
zicke Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I hope to gawd that you never go out with this guy again. Tires? How creative. You know, if this crap starts this early, it only gets worse. You can do better and you deserve better. If I were you, I would delete his contact info and find someone who was crazy about me. I think most of us have been in your position, it's just a matter of losing the loser and moving on quickly enough so you don't get mired down in his stuff. Give him back to himself.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Wow, I came on to check my messages and stuff this morning. Four emails from him and 2 offline IMs ranging from 10:30 to 1:30.
northstar1 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Wow, I came on to check my messages and stuff this morning. Four emails from him and 2 offline IMs ranging from 10:30 to 1:30. What now? His back tires fell off?
Author dreamergrl Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 What now? His back tires fell off? Ranging from telling me he'd be on yahoo all night if I wanted to talk about things. From telling me he's not a bad person. Oh that he changed his profile on the site we met on (which I DID NOT ask him to do AT ALL) to how much he sucks as a person. It used to still say he was looking for this and that type of girl and what not. To telling me he was not trying to leave me hanging. He's not a bad person. He enjoys my company a lot. How I think he doesn't care, but that's not true. Ooooh but my favorite part: I was having problems logging into myspace, someone has my password, I don't think it was you, but if it was, would you tell me? I had told him that he should put himself in my shoes, and ask himself how he would feel. And that he couldn't even pick up the phone. He completely by-passed the phone thing. But daaaang, four emails and two offline messages. Who put a quarter in him?
northstar1 Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 He's more worried about his reputation as a 'bad guy' than realizing he was a coward. I'd stop replying to him, not worth it. He's shown his character
carhill Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 OP, you've probably had enough experience with such men to see a pattern of behavior. Is that pattern compatible or healthy? Does it recognize any of your wants and needs? Some personalities, when they sense your interest, will feed you enough positive energy just to keep your doubts about dumping them alive. This is how, over time, they suck the joy out of you. This guy is giving you things of little value to him, a few minutes and some precisely formed electrons, to promote something of greater value to both of you; your interest and attention. Think about that. You likely already have, but perhaps not in these terms. Whenever I get wind of a person doing that to me, I immediately go into analysis mode and my trust level goes into conditional response. IOW, because I normally believe people to be good and trustworthy, these signals cause me to rethink that philosophy with this one person. My instincts in such matters have rarely been wrong. Trust yours
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