dreamergrl Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 There has got to be a way to find out why I get so anxious. All week has been great! I've talked with D here and there, not much, and he had mentioned doing something this week on one of his days off (Wed-Friday) and I thought I had tomorrow off, so I told him I'd let him know. Turns out, I didn't. But I said after I get done, you could come over for dinner. Or if you wanted to do something else that's fine too. It didn't take long to get a response, of: I could probably come over Friday and eat dinner from you, this should be interesting, only to see how good of a cook you are . Well i work all weekend long so i dunno about the weekend, well w/e you like to do let me know. So I responded simply with... I should be back by 6 tomorrow, it looks like. Let me know what time you'd want to come over, so I can get supper going. What would you like to do afterward? Well get at me soon and let me know whats up so I can get things ready for tomorrow. Talk to you later cutie Basically just wanted to know if and when. I have other crap I gotta do tomorrow, besides my two shifts at work, and wanted to prep the dinner I was going to make before my second shift. So the last I heard from him was last night. I don't know any details. I've seen him online when I've went on to check my mail. Haven't given him further contact. Seriously, it wouldn't hurt my feelings if he didn't want to come over, or couldn't. I'd just like to know. I've made much less contact, like advised, I've been up beat and positive. Why do I have to get so freaking anxious about just wanting to know what's up? Btw, My new meds for my anxiety are about a week and a half in my system, and all week I've felt great. I just started getting anxious today. Does any one else deal with anxiety issues? If so, how do you deal with them?
Lucky555 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You sound like a really nice woman like myself. That response you gave him is a response of someone who is giving the guy a "guarantee" that HE is IT for you. This guy is "taking is sweet sweet time" oh yes he is. Its very unfortunate that guys act like this but its like they rather let the "woman" wait and so they don't come across as being too eager. Another thing he wanted "you" to cook him dinner...the way it sounded really wasn't too appealing or exciting to me. At least ask him to bring desert to contribute to the meal. Just keep your head up and you already sent a message, if he doesn't reply in a decent amount of time don't plan on having him and do something else that you will enjoy.
tkgirl Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 There has got to be a way to find out why I get so anxious. All week has been great! I've talked with D here and there, not much, and he had mentioned doing something this week on one of his days off (Wed-Friday) and I thought I had tomorrow off, so I told him I'd let him know. Turns out, I didn't. But I said after I get done, you could come over for dinner. Or if you wanted to do something else that's fine too. It didn't take long to get a response, of: I could probably come over Friday and eat dinner from you, this should be interesting, only to see how good of a cook you are . Well i work all weekend long so i dunno about the weekend, well w/e you like to do let me know. So I responded simply with... I should be back by 6 tomorrow, it looks like. Let me know what time you'd want to come over, so I can get supper going. What would you like to do afterward? Well get at me soon and let me know whats up so I can get things ready for tomorrow. Talk to you later cutie Basically just wanted to know if and when. I have other crap I gotta do tomorrow, besides my two shifts at work, and wanted to prep the dinner I was going to make before my second shift. So the last I heard from him was last night. I don't know any details. I've seen him online when I've went on to check my mail. Haven't given him further contact. Seriously, it wouldn't hurt my feelings if he didn't want to come over, or couldn't. I'd just like to know. I've made much less contact, like advised, I've been up beat and positive. Why do I have to get so freaking anxious about just wanting to know what's up? Btw, My new meds for my anxiety are about a week and a half in my system, and all week I've felt great. I just started getting anxious today. Does any one else deal with anxiety issues? If so, how do you deal with them? so... still no word back from D? yea, he should have gotten back to you by now but he's probably thinking it's all casual.. you invited him over for after you get off work at 6 so maybe he's just waiting to see how his day is going tomorrow and will call when he knows... sometime tomorrow! yea, some guys can be so flaky and it's frustrating for us "anxious types".. really frustrating actually! And you sound like me, where you play it all cool but on the inside you are about to freak out! It gets hard to balance those two worlds... which I think could be what's causing a lot of that anxiety. My advice to you is to be true to yourself FIRST! Like tomorrow night... it could be too much to work (TWO shifts?) and then come home and try to cook a meal that you want to impress him with etc. If I were you... especially if you don't hear from him by say... 1 pm tomorrow? call him and say something like "you know, work is kicking my butt today... can we do the dinner thing another night" or ask him if take out will be ok, if you still want to see him... And about the anxiety... I do know how that is, for sure! And meds can help... for a while... but I really think that practicing relaxing techniques, yoga, meditating etc. is much more beneficial. ok, so... BREATHE!
Awesome84 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Does any one else deal with anxiety issues? If so, how do you deal with them? Ummm YES!!! I had really bad anxiety and had an anxiety attack once when I was in a meeting. It was one of the worse days of my life because I got a lump in my throat, my palms were sweaty, and I felt like running out of the room. I couldn't even drink any water because I had fear that people would see my hands shaking uncontrollably. So I went on meds after that and all was good. But I just recently weened myself off meds because I felt it was causing me to not be able to lose weight. Anyhow... I still get anxious but I have to work out, meditate, etc to help... but on the real... I still haven't figured out how to control it naturally. I am considering going back on... ANYHOW... I think you should relax about the guy your seeing. Try listening to music or something. Take a relaxing bath or something. Unless he actually does something that implys that he doesn't want to come over (which I don't think he has...by reading your story)... I think you are good. If he cancels or just stands you up all together... then I'd be worried. Relax chica!
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You know.. I do not think that you are over-reacting. It is rude not to reply to your msg for so long. I think anyone would feel anxious, if they liked a guy. Last guy I dated was similar. He would leave me hanging about the plans, took ages to reply to my msgs etc. I wasn't all that into him so I was more annoyed than anxious. Anyway, what I did is I rang him up once and in firm voice said that I would appreciate it if he replied to my messages in timely manner as I want to know how to plan my day. It was a bit snappy, but as I didn't like him all that much anyway, I had nothing to lose. After that, he never left me hanging again Things didn't work out anyway but still..
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I agree with the others simply not responding is rude really. Also the 'I could probably come over Friday' - that was not the same as 'I'm working all weekend, but I'm free Friday for sure'. He's left himself space for wiggling out of it 'I could probably come over'. That alone would make me anxious, then not responding to your text. If he does appear now I'd give him canned spaghetti on toast and tell him, well you didn't reply, didn't know if you were coming or not, so I didn't get any groceries. Or simply not be at home waiting around in case he turns up. In this kind of situation I always ask myself what would a new friend do? A normal person would say "I could probably come over on Friday, but I'll let you know for definite before 5pm as things could change". This weird mixed signal thing only seems to happen with guys who you want to date, and it is just terribly impolite. We accept these things in a dating scenario because we don't want to scare the other person off etc, but it's still all basic human interaction; behaviour you wouldn't accept from friends or acquaintances shouldn't be ok from possible boyfriends. Anyway, I hope he does get back to you
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Well, whether it was dumb or not, I left a message before bed saying pretty much "Please tell me you're not going to make me sit and wonder if we're doing dinner and whatever tomorrow, then cancel last minute. I've got other things going on during the day, and if you're not coming, just tell me so I can do other stuff." It got read, and no reply. Seriously, to me, this says I'm not interested. Then yet, when I speak up for myself, like the other week, and he gets all upset and defensive, I don't know. I did some breathing exercises last night, which helped. But I woke up wondering, ya know. My two shifts are two long ones. It's a a 7 hour day split into two. But I wake up very early for the first one, and get back a lot later for the second one. Which I have to do stuff in between. He didn't reply, so I'm just going to assume he's canceling. And you're right, I shouldn't have taken probably as a yes. Oh but I am the one who offered to make dinner. I thought it would be a nice gusture.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Part of me wants to send him a message saying, look, I want a man who has enough respect for me to respond back when making plans, especially when I'm taking time out of my busy day to make dinner. Obviously you can't be all that interested if you feel the need to wait until last minute to make plans. I'm not someone's last choice of 'what to do for the day'. I know it's impulsive, and I'm right now reacting to frustration, but I'm seriously thinking about sending that if I don't hear from him before my second shift starts this afternoon.
paddington bear Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 By not sending that message, you are in fact, essentially telling him that. So resist the urge to press 'send' - yeah it will get the annoyance out of your system but you will just give him ammunition to label you as a drama queen. He's a big boy, let him work out what your silence means. PS, I could give him a slap on your behalf for being so mixed-singally
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Oh good job on telling him that. You have to stand up for yourself and not let him treat you like c%ap. There is a fine line between being breezy and casual and being a doormat. Even if you come across as anxious or dramtic, so you ARE that (well anxious at least). Any man that is going to have LTR with you is going to have to accept this anyway. You can't go on pretending to be something you are not and repressing parts of yourself.
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I could probably come over Friday and eat dinner from you, this should be interesting, only to see how good of a cook you are . Well i work all weekend long so i dunno about the weekend, well w/e you like to do let me know. So I responded simply with... I should be back by 6 tomorrow, it looks like. Let me know what time you'd want to come over, so I can get supper going. What would you like to do afterward? Well get at me soon and let me know whats up so I can get things ready for tomorrow. Talk to you later cutie I see a lot of insecurity in your message. The guy told you that he was going to go to your house and see how good of a cook you were. And to let him know what you wanted to do. And you asked him again, what time? what next? When it was you inviting, you should have told him what time.
crrogers Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I agree with the post above. He asked you to let him know what time and then you responded back asking what time he could come over. Maybe because you're so anxious, you didn't read his whole response and that's why you shot responded with a question to his question!
northstar1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You are overthinking this and thus creating more insecurity and doubt. Just send him a note and say to come over at x time and to bring a bottle of wine or something.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I asked when, because he often has responsibilities to take care of, as he helps care for his ill Grandma. He never asked when. He just said whatever I want to do let him know. The "I probably" left it open. I just wanted a simple yes or no answer. An approximate time. I don't want to waste time on making dinner and what not, to just not have him show up. By the way, since this morning, no I will not send that message. I've done enough trying.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 PS, I could give him a slap on your behalf for being so mixed-singally You know, it's just like he's not making an attempt now. The first half of our dates, it was like he was trying. Now he's not. Yet he claims to want to keep seeing me. I know I have insecurities, but I don't think it should be so hard to confirm a dinner date, especially when it's being made for him.
northstar1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 You have to make it so this guy does not absorb your thoughts... you have to make him an option like he is making you. He is not being considerate... it doesn't speak well for his interest in you, or maybe is interested but is flaky, so to avoid having to wonder all the time what the h*ll is going on with him, just move on and do your own thing. I, like you, would want to have a plan for tonight, and it's really annoying when you are at the mercy of someone else. Don't do it. If this guy isn't living up to what you would want in a man, then don't waste effort and energy on him. I wouldn't contact him anymore... let him give the effort. He read what you wrote him and didn't respond, so your work is done. Don't over-analyze this or that - you want to know if he's coming and you still don't know... how is that ok? It would take him 2 seconds to respond back. Don't wait for him anymore, just be yourself and do your own thing. Your independence will show itself and make you that much more appealing to men... strange that it works that way, but it just does. Live life like you don't need a man and don't settle for just anyone. AGREED. Go make other plans for tonight, with a friend, movie etc. If he bothers to contact you, tell him that you made other plans because you hadn't heard from him.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Is this normal after 5 dates? I'm just curious. Do many men play this kind of game?
zicke Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 for someone with low interest level. I would seriously reconsider seeing this guy again. You've asked him twice for a response and he still hasn't given you one. I would say that the evidence is overwhelming that he is waiting on his first choice to get back to him before he gets back to you, or, he just ain't that into you. This guy has been lukewarm from practically the second date. Lose him. There are guys out there who actually confirm plans well before the date, and these guys also email/text/call back when asked to. With this D guy, expect more and more of this in the future. If it is this much trouble so soon, it will be more trouble later. Your self esteem should not be wrapped up in whether this guy emails you back or not. At this point, seeing as it's Friday, and about 7 hours til the date and no response, I would consider myself not having a date tonight. IMO, you are full of anxiety because you know this is wrong and you are searching for a way to justify the behavior from him. No loser, no more anxiety about him.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Yes, many men play this kind of game. It also tells me that he's not that interested, maybe because you are coming across as overly interested, but maybe because he's keeping his options open. Play the game back... don't don't email anymore. He already knows how you feel and he hasn't done sh*t about it. So, if he's not that interested, or he's keeping his options open, what is with all the defensiveness when I say "Hey maybe this wont work, or are you seeing other people". I just don't understand the games. Is it like an ego boost? I mean, he for crying out loud, is the one who initially suggested with do something at the end of this week. Now when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to. I wish people would just say what the mean and that's it. Maybe he was just trying to be nice, and didn't want to tell me he wasn't interested. Who knows. Time to find a back up plan for tonight. It's not looking good though.
northstar1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 It's nearly noon. Don't wait around for him to reply. Screw him. Go make plans with friends/family etc. Go out for a manicure, go shopping, go out for dinner.
carhill Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 It's nearly noon. Don't wait around for him to reply. Screw him. Go make plans with friends/family etc. Go out for a manicure, go shopping, go out for dinner. Yep, I'm a guy and I approve this message
Ariadne Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 So, if he's not that interested, or he's keeping his options open, what is with all the defensiveness when I say "Hey maybe this wont work, or are you seeing other people". Yeah, just forget this guy. At this time, if you haven't gotten a confirmation then he's just being rude. If he shows up then give him a peanut butter sandwich.
zicke Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Yeah, just forget this guy. At this time, if you haven't gotten a confirmation then he's just being rude. If he shows up then give him a peanut butter sandwich. If he shows up, don't be home. Forget feeding him.
Author dreamergrl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 A friend of mine that I was telling about this guy seems to think I should have things ready to go in case he does come over. He thinks that maybe he couldn't just give me a definite time or is unsure if he can even come. But I don't see why he couldn't have just said that. It makes me wonder if I did something or said something wrong. I wish I could just up and leave, but too much to do on the computer this afternoon. Then go back to my normal job.
northstar1 Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 A friend of mine that I was telling about this guy seems to think I should have things ready to go in case he does come over. He thinks that maybe he couldn't just give me a definite time or is unsure if he can even come. But I don't see why he couldn't have just said that. It makes me wonder if I did something or said something wrong. I wish I could just up and leave, but too much to do on the computer this afternoon. Then go back to my normal job. With all due respect, your friend's advice is terrible. They should be teaching "Doormat 101". Come on now, logic dictates this guy is being inconsiderate and not making you a priority. Stop thinking you did something wrong. It's not you. The guy is being a flake for whatever reason. Actions speak, and this guy is making your squirm on the hook. So, get yourself off the hook and go make your own plans for tonight. F em.
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