fooled once Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Exactly - you are missing the point entirely. You are trying to justify things. He abandoned you. Why in the world would you believe ANYTHING out of him?
Lucky_One Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Being blunt again. You got FOUR emails. You got THREE calls that went to voicemail. You got ONE telephone call. You got SEVERAL texts that had kisses in them. Big whoop. That is NOT regular contact. Regular contact is when my BF calls me every morning to say hello, calls me at lunchtime to see how my day is and to discuss lunch plans, calls me on his drive home, calls me on his way to my place, and then calls me when he tucks in to say good-night. (Granted, i call him about half of those times.) THAT IS WHAT REGULAR CONTACT IS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER!! Regular contact is purchasing a cell phone plan with international minutes. Or buying a telephone long distance card so that you can talk for ages on the phone. Or emailing and texting 3-10 times a day if you are different time zones. You are acting so grateful for this minimal and cheap amount of contact. And you seriously made plans to radically change your entire LIFE based on FOUR emails and ONE short phone call and a text about a nightclub? Unless the phone call is from Ed McMahon telling you that you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse, don't EVER make such huge plans on such a miniscule amount of contact and information. Re-read GEL's post. Please. And please seek out a therapist to work on what makes you so incredibly willing to accept so little and such poor treatment.
Gamine Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 You deserve a knight in shining armor, not a wretch concentred solely in himself. You will have a decent, kind, and good man... but remember that people are their substance. Not necessarily what they 'say' it is what they 'do' when it is backed by love and devotion. Best wishes to you and I pray that your dad will be feeling better soon.
2sure Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 It was not just one phone call. ...He emailed me a week before calling in the first instance asking how I was and whether it would be ok for him to call me. ...said he wanted to see me and invited me out there. . ... Again he said he wanted me out there with him and that I can go for 'as long as I can', ... would 'pay my ticket and cover my lost wages'. ...mention about getting a visa for 3-6 months so can anyone blame me for falling for it? ... promise me a long and detailed Skype call but he never got round to it ... emailed me AGAIN, this time asking how soon I could go out there to be with him as he had 'just signed a reservation on a new apartment'. ... text messaged he really was selling the dream to me! That was the last I heard from him when he sent me the link which was 2 days before the 22nd April...THEN NOTHING. He said, he said, etc. WORDS. He DID nothing. How many times does a person do NOTHING before you realize he wasnt really selling...you were buying? Certainly you are a victim of his lies, but at some point you have to admit to yourself that he didnt have to convince you much, he never actually DID any of the things he said he would. I have no trouble sympathizing with your very real heartbreak...but I think you need to look inward and ask yourself sincerely why you seem surprised. And, I wish I could have written this in a nicer way.
wildsoul Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Bottom line is - I know I have an overactive imagination, wishful thinking and live in a dream world etc but after reading all what I just said about his regular contact over a few weeks, can anyone blame me for believing him??? This is painful to read, HB. Sorry, but NO. The amount of contact he gave you is NOT enough to be believable. You've got some kind of delusion in play that is protecting you from the pain of letting go. He is not going to turn 'round and be the man you want him to be.
jj33 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 HB - when someone treats you really badly they dont get to just come back into your life. They shouldnt come back at all. But even if he hadnt treated you badly, and had just been absent for almost a year, it would still not have been reasonable to believe him. After all he disappeared. I can see how it can be nice to dream that when things are not going well here that maybe there are other alternatives. But thats the thing its a DREAM. It was never ever real. Maybe its semantics. Yes perhaps he stole your dream but thats all it ever was because nothing with that man could have ever been the kind of reality you want. We havent heard from you in awhile, hoping you are OK.
pureinheart Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 True for the betrayed spouse and other woman/man - but the one doing the cheating is best off I think. Unless they have genuinelly fallen for the other person and do not know what to do about it. But serial cheaters do not care who they hurt. As long as they are happy and getting what THEY want. Im so pleased that your story had a happy ending and that you are now with a lovely guy who treats you right. Hey xxx, Your heart will not be broken much longer....actually IMO the one who plays both sides is the very worst off. I too at one time felt that ex-MM had it so much better than me...but the truth is these men who have women on the side are pathetic and insecure. They are addicted to drama and chaos and most don't even realise it. Sure we have much healing that needs to take place, but they are empty people with empty lives. We have a future and they do not. I would rather be me than them...they are "dream breakers", leaving devastation in their wake. They do not sleep well at night and secretly behind all of the pride and arrogance, hate themselves. We may hate ourselves for a time for allowing such insanity to enter into our lives, but theirs is a lifetime should they not stop their evil deeds..... GBU xxx, and I am sorry for all of your pain and will be saying prayers for all your loved ones.....
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 HB - when someone treats you really badly they dont get to just come back into your life. They shouldnt come back at all. But even if he hadnt treated you badly, and had just been absent for almost a year, it would still not have been reasonable to believe him. After all he disappeared. I can see how it can be nice to dream that when things are not going well here that maybe there are other alternatives. But thats the thing its a DREAM. It was never ever real. Maybe its semantics. Yes perhaps he stole your dream but thats all it ever was because nothing with that man could have ever been the kind of reality you want. We havent heard from you in awhile, hoping you are OK. Hey No I havent gone NC on you all haha! My laptop has been playing up these last few days. when someone treats you really badly they dont get to just come back into your life. They shouldnt come back at all. But even if he hadnt treated you badly, and had just been absent for almost a year, it would still not have been reasonable to believe him. After all he disappeared. But it was because he DID contact me after all that time that I believed him - I thought he had finally realized that what we had was special - and felt kind of flattered that I had 'first refusal' after he 'split up' from his wife. I know you say its unreasonable for him to think he could have just walked back into my life after a year, and for me to even think about letting him back in - but I still loved him.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Hey xxx, Your heart will not be broken much longer....actually IMO the one who plays both sides is the very worst off. I too at one time felt that ex-MM had it so much better than me...but the truth is these men who have women on the side are pathetic and insecure. They are addicted to drama and chaos and most don't even realise it. Sure we have much healing that needs to take place, but they are empty people with empty lives. We have a future and they do not. I would rather be me than them...they are "dream breakers", leaving devastation in their wake. They do not sleep well at night and secretly behind all of the pride and arrogance, hate themselves. We may hate ourselves for a time for allowing such insanity to enter into our lives, but theirs is a lifetime should they not stop their evil deeds..... GBU xxx, and I am sorry for all of your pain and will be saying prayers for all your loved ones..... It makes me feel a little better to think that he might hate himself and hate his life. That is hard to believe though - in this case he has been emotionally cold since the A ended last summer, theresfore I dont think the guy feels guilt/upset like most people would. Its weird cos during our passionate moments he would be tremendously loving, and when we spent time together he did appear to genuinely care about any problems I had - nothing was too much trouble for him. I felt like he really kind of 'looked after me' when he was a roommate and we were involved with each other, thats why it was such a terrible shock when he left last summer and it was like I was dead to him...after all we shared together.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Being blunt again. You got FOUR emails. You got THREE calls that went to voicemail. You got ONE telephone call. You got SEVERAL texts that had kisses in them. Big whoop. That is NOT regular contact. Regular contact is when my BF calls me every morning to say hello, calls me at lunchtime to see how my day is and to discuss lunch plans, calls me on his drive home, calls me on his way to my place, and then calls me when he tucks in to say good-night. (Granted, i call him about half of those times.) THAT IS WHAT REGULAR CONTACT IS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER!! Regular contact is purchasing a cell phone plan with international minutes. Or buying a telephone long distance card so that you can talk for ages on the phone. Or emailing and texting 3-10 times a day if you are different time zones. You are acting so grateful for this minimal and cheap amount of contact. And you seriously made plans to radically change your entire LIFE based on FOUR emails and ONE short phone call and a text about a nightclub? Unless the phone call is from Ed McMahon telling you that you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse, don't EVER make such huge plans on such a miniscule amount of contact and information. Re-read GEL's post. Please. And please seek out a therapist to work on what makes you so incredibly willing to accept so little and such poor treatment. Obviously a couple of phone calls, a few emails and texts are far from the 'ideal' amount of contact between two people who are in love. But remember I had only heard from him very sporadically since he moved out of the house last summer (literally he contacted me about 4 times in 10 months) therefore this did seem like a hell of a lot of contact to me by his usual standards! I know I made huge plans based on such little contact, but he had never promised me anything like this before or talked of a future together so of course I thought he was serious. Remember while he made minimal contact he kept promising me that we could talk for hours on Skype when he got the chance but that call never came. I was holding back from revealing too much to him anyway as I wanted to have the serious discussion about me moving out there to be with him when he called me on Skype. During the brief contact we did have, he kept trying to get an answer out of me about whether I was coming and how long for etc. He also asked me if I was going to quit my job to go out there and live with him. At no point during the conversations we DID have did I actually give him any definate answers about what I planned to do. You are right though, if he really really wanted to call me he could have made it happen. He would have found a way. If this whole thing was a wind up I just dont get why he would do something so irresponsible and mean, especially when he knows a bit about what it did to me last summer and my depression etc. If it was all make believe just to feed a fantasy then he is very cruel. However as mentioned in a previous post I found out his wife and kids HAVE left him, so more than likely he has found another OW out there or something. But again, even if thats true, he should have waited until the coast was 100% clear for me to go out there and be with him before telling me all that crap. But then if his wife and him were offically calling it a day, you think he would need some space for a bit on his own to grieve the loss of his marriage. I just dont know what on earth has happened???
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 GBU xxx, and I am sorry for all of your pain and will be saying prayers for all your loved ones..... Oh and thank you very much for your kind regards, my Dads doing fine.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Exactly - you are missing the point entirely. You are trying to justify things. He abandoned you. Why in the world would you believe ANYTHING out of him? I know, I know - I guess I believed it cos I wanted to believe it. I am the sort of person who is 100% open and honest (well apart from getting involved with a MM) therefore I assume others are the same. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Granted, he did screw me over last summer but the feelings I had for him never disappeared - so it was very hard for me to tell him 'no'.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 It was not just one phone call. ...He emailed me a week before calling in the first instance asking how I was and whether it would be ok for him to call me. ...said he wanted to see me and invited me out there. . ... Again he said he wanted me out there with him and that I can go for 'as long as I can', ... would 'pay my ticket and cover my lost wages'. ...mention about getting a visa for 3-6 months so can anyone blame me for falling for it? ... promise me a long and detailed Skype call but he never got round to it ... emailed me AGAIN, this time asking how soon I could go out there to be with him as he had 'just signed a reservation on a new apartment'. ... text messaged he really was selling the dream to me! That was the last I heard from him when he sent me the link which was 2 days before the 22nd April...THEN NOTHING. He said, he said, etc. WORDS. He DID nothing. How many times does a person do NOTHING before you realize he wasnt really selling...you were buying? Certainly you are a victim of his lies, but at some point you have to admit to yourself that he didnt have to convince you much, he never actually DID any of the things he said he would. I have no trouble sympathizing with your very real heartbreak...but I think you need to look inward and ask yourself sincerely why you seem surprised. And, I wish I could have written this in a nicer way. I did soon realize that he was not following through, especially when he said we could discuss everything on a long and detailed Skype call which he kept moving the date for, then it never even came at all in the end and he dropped out of contact completely. As I mentioned previously, I was 'buying' because a) he had never promised me anything before so I thought this time he had to be serious b) I was still very much in love with him c) he had been out of contact with me for so long I thought to come back out of the blue and offer me the moon on a stick meant he was telling the truth d) I am a naive person anyway which didnt help You see, the bit about his wife leaving was the truth, but it was the bit about me going there to be with him that seems to be make believe. His circumstances must have changed so he dropped out of contact on me very suddenly. He has disappeared. Again.
2sure Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 There simply has got to be a lesson in here for you. Until you figure out exactly what it is do not buy a used car or any real estate.
jj33 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 You are really not getting this. From his perspective this is ALL about him. All about him. He isnt trying to wind you up he is just doing what HE feels like doing at a given moment. You are not a factor in his equation. That is why he could disappear like you were dead. That is why he could call, offer to pay you for your time off because he thought he might have a gap in his schedule (no woman in tow) and then drop off the face of the earth again when he got that sorted. He treats you with the same regard you treat a temp agency - oh yes my PA is out for a few days do you think you could send someone over? Sure usual rates. Great got to run I will be in touch. If you find you dont need the help you dont call back do you? NO it was only something you would have looked into further if you needed to. It isnt about the temps that the agency sends, its about you. You might love hanging out with the temps that they send, you may care about them but really its about you. I know you hate to hear it but he is treating you just like that. When it suits him, he calls. Otherwise, he doesnt. No amount of logic wishing or hoping or dreaming is going to make him into someone who is relationship material.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 You are really not getting this. From his perspective this is ALL about him. All about him. He isnt trying to wind you up he is just doing what HE feels like doing at a given moment. You are not a factor in his equation. That is why he could disappear like you were dead. That is why he could call, offer to pay you for your time off because he thought he might have a gap in his schedule (no woman in tow) and then drop off the face of the earth again when he got that sorted. He treats you with the same regard you treat a temp agency - oh yes my PA is out for a few days do you think you could send someone over? Sure usual rates. Great got to run I will be in touch. If you find you dont need the help you dont call back do you? NO it was only something you would have looked into further if you needed to. It isnt about the temps that the agency sends, its about you. You might love hanging out with the temps that they send, you may care about them but really its about you. I know you hate to hear it but he is treating you just like that. When it suits him, he calls. Otherwise, he doesnt. No amount of logic wishing or hoping or dreaming is going to make him into someone who is relationship material. No I DO get what you mean, what I cannot get my head round is how he could be like this? Cause so much devastation to me, probably many times to his wife and kids - and perhaps many others I dont know about. Becuase I am a really emotional person I just cannot get my head round how his mind would work even though I know what you said is true. In his eyes I am obviously nothing special, he would happily have me or any woman just to fill the gap. I should not be flattered - it could have been anyone. Its like I am just in the back of his phonebook, on standby. He is a very very clever man though, I do not understand how he could be so emotionally unintelligent? Surely the way he is behaving is the way someone with learning difficulties would behave??? But he is extremely intelligent and successful. Its very weird.
wildsoul Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 He is a very very clever man though, I do not understand how he could be so emotionally unintelligent? Surely the way he is behaving is the way someone with learning difficulties would behave??? But he is extremely intelligent and successful. Its very weird. It's not about being particularly clever or intelligent. He is selfish, perhaps with narcissitic traits or even full blown NPD. This guy doesn't even seem like he spends much time plotting and planning his manipulations. He doesn't need to! You've made it very easy for him to take advantage of you. HB, with all due respect, your own emotional intelligence is worth questioning here. Analyzing him is a waste of your time. He's gone. Keep the focus on you and mending the holes in your emotional fence! Have you started therapy yet?
jj33 Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 WS makes an excellent point HB. Its hard to accept that while someone may have been fond in their way that it was always always always about them. That is true in 99% of affairs. Id venture to say that is true in most relationships. But it somehow comes across more clearly in certain romantic relationships where one person thinks that all they have to do is snap their fingers and the other person will do whatever they want them to do. These people are toxic. They are loved (you love him right or you did) they dont have a problem with their behavior because their needs are being met. Its why people say look at the actions. Always look at the actions. Words are easy. Its the actions that matter. And consistency. If someone cant treat you well consistently then you forget them. Its pretty basic stuff but often people forget it when they are in a situation where their love is unrequited. You want to make excuses for the other person. But its no good. You need to get back to basics with your new therapist. New baselines for what is ok and what is not ok. You have your whole life in front of you and you get to make the rules with respect to how people treat you, what is acceptable etc.
Stepone Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 Brilliant analogy JJ! How do you think of these things. You sound stronger and calmer already HB also was thinking about your problem with your name and not wanting to change it. think of it as here2bwoken. it sounds sort of the same. the xxx can be a tribute to that big strong wwf wrestler who you're fast starting to emanate.
NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I like the beginning conversation on Emtional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is NOT the ability to be emotional. Many people make that mistake. It is NOT the ability to manipulate another's emotions, either. Another common misconception. Emotional Intelligence is more like maturity and stability. The ability to not let situations completely make or ruin you emotionally. It is the ability to manage one's emotions and manage in the face of another's emotions. If someone is freaking out around you, its that being able to keep yourself calm and possibly help them calm down as well by having a little know how in the situation. Its the "this too shall pass" mentality. And, HB, WS is right in inferring that you are not quite managing your emotions that well in this situation. Remember, this, too, shall pass.
wildsoul Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I like the beginning conversation on Emtional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is NOT the ability to be emotional. Many people make that mistake. It is NOT the ability to manipulate another's emotions, either. Another common misconception. Emotional Intelligence is more like maturity and stability. The ability to not let situations completely make or ruin you emotionally. It is the ability to manage one's emotions and manage in the face of another's emotions. If someone is freaking out around you, its that being able to keep yourself calm and possibly help them calm down as well by having a little know how in the situation. Its the "this too shall pass" mentality. And, HB, WS is right in inferring that you are not quite managing your emotions that well in this situation. Remember, this, too, shall pass. Yes. And emotional intelligence is also the ability to read others emotions and respond appropriately. HB has been projecting her own feelings onto xMM. She can't see that his behaviors are signs of abuse, neglect, and selfishness. Instead, she projects her positive regard onto him, giving him credit were none is due. Emotional intelligence helps to keep oneself safe when dealing with other people.
Owl Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Obviously a couple of phone calls, a few emails and texts are far from the 'ideal' amount of contact between two people who are in love. But remember I had only heard from him very sporadically since he moved out of the house last summer (literally he contacted me about 4 times in 10 months) therefore this did seem like a hell of a lot of contact to me by his usual standards! A few phone calls and texts aren't just "not ideal" for two people who are in love...they are insufficient to truly MAINTAIN that love for a long period of time. Here's where you keep getting lost...you are in love...he's in LUST...at most. You're convinced that he's your "soulmate". He's content being married to his wife and 'tapping the cute young thing' on the side. And you're confusing yourself by repeatedly attempting to convince yourself that he feels the same way about this that you do. He doesn't. His actions clearly tell everyone who sees this that he doesn't. His words might...but his words HAVE TO say that, because he knows that if they don't, his "cute young thing" is going to end it with him. He knows this is how you feel, and in order to keep getting what he wants from you, he has to convince you that he feels the same way. It just makes it much easier for him that you want to believe this sooo much that it takes a very minimal effort on his part to accomplish this. You are right though, if he really really wanted to call me he could have made it happen. He would have found a way. This is right on the money...and the sooner you get MAD about this, rather than continue to come up with all the possible excuses for him, the sooner you'll REALLY start to heal. If this whole thing was a wind up I just dont get why he would do something so irresponsible and mean, especially when he knows a bit about what it did to me last summer and my depression etc. If it was all make believe just to feed a fantasy then he is very cruel. However as mentioned in a previous post I found out his wife and kids HAVE left him, so more than likely he has found another OW out there or something. But again, even if thats true, he should have waited until the coast was 100% clear for me to go out there and be with him before telling me all that crap. But then if his wife and him were offically calling it a day, you think he would need some space for a bit on his own to grieve the loss of his marriage. I just dont know what on earth has happened??? Again...he's got no REASON to do anything more than he has. He knows that the next time he contacts you...you'll be in a little bit of a tizzy with him over this...but you'll quickly forgive him...and the make up affair sex will be OUTSTANDING. And he knows that once he's done...he can head on back home to his wife...knock some out with her too...and his world will be complete. I'm being blunt, but ONLY because you seem to find any reason you can to look around these basic facts.
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Heart, your truth that you want to believe isn't reality. Your truth is based on what MM tells you and THAT is the problem. He is telling you the sky is green when infact, it isn't. You know the sky isn't green deep down, but he's SO convincing, you believe him anyway, even though your gut is screaming otherwise..
Mimolicious Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 I am mostly sorry to hear about your dad. My gpa had the same a few months ago and it's a tough road to recovery. My prayers are with you. May God to give you and your family the strenght to support your dad in this time of need. On the other subject... Sounds like you went building sand castles. I mean, did he ask you to pack up and bounce to this foreign country with him to start a new life? You saying you have "nothing" now, sounds disturbing and something to really pay close attention to. You have EVERYTHING, you have life, family, and the freedom to make choices and one of those choices should be focus your energy on YOU! Sounds like you well deeply consumed into MM, and lost yourself in the heat of the moment. Have determination. Be strong and cut all the nonsense (like I call it) and you'll see that eventually you will look back and say to yourself- GEEZ! What was I thinking?! (I know that it is easier said than done but IT CAN BE DONE! You just have to take that first bold step and make it happen!) Cut the loser loose! God bless and I wish you strenght!
Mimolicious Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 You didn't lose a dream. You are waking up from a nightmare. When you first wake up, you are still panicky, heart racing, sweating, fearful and you may even be crying. Then you realize, it is O*V*E*R. The heart rate slows, the trembling subsides, calmness replaces the fear and the tears stop. It is past and it is time for you to get up and live the day. But you can't do that if you never get up. Love it! and you know this because you are "Bent" but not "Broken"! That's right!!!! Even though there will be days that you feel like you are still dead-alive, it's far better than living in the dark.
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