The Loss Of My Dream

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that the dream I had about being with MM is over after he very eagerly called me telling me his marriage was 'done' and his wife and kids were leaving him, then proceeded to invite me out to see him in the country he is now living.

Oh and then he just randomly went NC on me over 1 month ago, leaving me hanging after promising me all this.

 

I was not only looking forward to being with him temporarily and a visit to a foreign country, that was just part of it. I was hoping it would be the begining of a future together properly, hopefully getting married ourselves and me bearing a child/children with him and being the best stepmom in the world to the 4 kids he has already.

 

I was saving money for my trip. I was preparing to hand in my notice at work and tell my parents everything. I had cleared out my room and started packing - even planned what outfits I would be wearing! I was learning a bit of the language. I was looking into what jabs I needed and sorting out a visa.

 

I really was so close yet so far to going. Now its not happening everything just feels so crap, I cannot get enthusiastic about anything. I feel depressed all the time and crawling out of bed feels like such an effort.

 

Theres no one else I want to be with or imagine myself with, theres no one I want to have intimate contact with so after anticipating months of making love 24/7 I am now going to have to remain celibate. Theres just no one else I connect with like MM. I get on with most people but seldom connect with them, what MM and I shared just felt so special. Just one example would be his support and understanding about my eye disease. I so miss having someone to talk to about it who understands. No one else does get me and I feel so alone.

 

I must let this go for my own good, members on here and some friends have made me realize that no matter how much I love this man he has humiliated me and messed with my head one time too many now and that when he finally does choose to call me on his terms it will only ever be more of the same heartache and pain.

 

My poor father was taken critically ill last week and I rushed to my hometown to be with him and my family in the hospital. My sisters lovely boyfriend has been an absolute star throughout this difficult time for our family and has bent over backwards for all of us and it made me think - 'wheres MM when I need emotional support in a time like this???'. I really felt like I needed to talk to him but stopped myself emailing the situation.

 

I am hurting beyond belief right now...about my father being ill and also the loss of my dream. I just feel so sad, that emotional intimacy that I crave with MM will not happen. So many people seem to have found someone special and the only one I want is MM but I cannot have him. I feel so cheated.

 

I am not asking for any advice - you all gave me enough in my last thread and I do know I must let this go. I guess I just need some support to help me get through these awful feelings.

 

I am letting it go. I am moving on...to nothing.

[Owl]

Here's the real litmus test for you to verify your "letting go" is real.

 

What are you actively doing to end it on your part?

 

Have you changed your phone #? Blocked his # so that he can no longer call or text? Changed email/IM accounts, and blocked him there as well?

 

Or are you just "declaring" this as being "done", but not taking active measures to protect yourself going forward?

[whichwayisup]

((Heart)) here are afew hugs..You need them.

 

Sorry to hear about your father.

[jj33]

First you MUST change your username. Stop reinforcing the pain.

 

And second I am so glad you are seeing the situation for what it is. You allowed yourself to get excited based on one phone call. You were making dreams in your head. He didnt steal anything - he never offered you anything other than a fantasy.

 

However you still have work to do on this. It would have been nice if he were a different person and you could have called him for support. But he abandoned you. He is NOT on your side. He is not available to call or email. He will only disappoint you further. Either he will ignore you or he will play the hero and severely disappoint you down the line. Either way hes made it clear that you are not a priority in his life. Sorry to be harsh but you need to hear it until you understand it. I know you wish it were different, but its not.

 

No today you dont have anything to move onto. But today you are not ready. If the perfect man walked into your life tomorrow you wouldnt be ready. So be happy for some time alone to look at WHY you held onto this fantasy with someone who was so clearly not treating you right. You need to be able to look at situations a lot more realistically before you will be ready for the real love that you want. So this is all good. You are getting the space that you need.

 

I understand you are lonely. Many of us are. But let the loneliness work for you. Use this time to figure out why you were so willing to spend time with a man who treated you so appallingly again and again and why you werent able to see his flaws. That is dangerous and if it doesnt change you will be ripe for the picking by the wrong man again.

 

This isnt about him "stealing your dream". Its about you needing to face the facts that not all the men who are nice to us are nice people. And you need to learn to read the signs, see the red flags so you dont get taken in again.

 

Finally I am very sorry your father is ill and I wish a speedy recovery or if that is not in the cards comfort to you and your family during this difficult time.

[PhoenixRise]

((((HB))))

 

 

I am sorry for your pain HB and I am sorry about your dad. I hope that he will be ok.

 

You know.... you are not moving on to nothing. If you chose you can move on expecting and seeking joy in your own life. Here's the thing.... you are being forced to move on. Your MM let you down and now you know he will always let you down.

 

You can, however chose HOW you move on. You can be dragged into it like a person going to their own hanging, or you can move forward taking the lessons you have learned from this and using them to make your life better in the future.

 

You are hurting now but this pain will fade.

When you learn that you absolutely deserve better treatement than you have been getting, you will attract a great, available man who will treat you like gold.

 

Work on yourself HB. Continue to see your therapist.

You will get through this and believe it or not....you will be better for it.

 

Good Luck

[eyeswide]

Here's the part that worries me, HB

 

I am letting it go. I am moving on...to nothing.

 

May I recommend that you try to find SOMETHING, anything concrete that will help you move on? If it really feels like you have nothing, then if he calls you with some little offer of hope, no matter how puny, you might be tempted...

 

I don't know exactly what you might throw yourself into -- some kind of commitment to someone or something...caring for your dad, maybe?

 

I'm not an OW, but i've been a WW and BW. As a WW, when my own H seemed closed off to me I felt soooo tempted to go looking for my old flame. fortunately, i had my kids to think about and remind how crappy i had felt about the effects my A would have if i'd actually let it go much farther.

 

at least you know he really has nothing healthy to offer you. you have a good and loving heart. find a good and loving person who can commit totally to you. and in the meantime find something that fills the holes inside. there are plenty of ways to put your love out into the world besides being in a committed relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Look, there are no winners in an affair triangle. That's why they're so destructive and should be avoided at all costs.

 

I lost my dream when my ex-H cheated on me. In the end, what I won was freedom from someone who wasn't right for me. That I've since found true happiness with someone who's perfect for me, has made it all worthwhile.

 

Do yourself a favour. Get out and stay out. It's not worth it, not even the wasted emotion you're experiencing now. Someone who's willing to cheat on someone, isn't thinking about anyone but himself. Why would he act any differently when you become an inconvenience?

[OWoman]

So many people seem to have found someone special and the only one I want is MM but I cannot have him. I feel so cheated.

 

No you don't. You may want some aspects of him, or want what you picture he'd become with you at his side, but the real him - the guy who treats you like dog**** and cares nothing for your feelings - really isn't what or who you want. Would you rather drink tequila or cleaning fluids? (OK, some tequila is pretty indistinguishable from drain cleaner, but most people would still rather have the tequila...)

 

Perhaps you should list the things about him you want / like / enjoy, in one column - and then the things you dislike / fear / would like to change about him in another. Then apportion to each the amount of time he spent demonstrating that aspect to you - totalling up to 100% when you add both columns together. That way you should be able to form a more realistic picture of the proportion of him that you really want, and the proportion of him you could well do without.

 

While the good times may have been good, do they really compensate for all the bad times, on balance? If you can HONESTLY say yes - that all the suffering, heartbreak and hurt is a minor cost in the light of the wonderful connection you had; that your emotional and mental health is a small price to pay for the intimacy you shared; that your competence at work and your social life really do not matter a fig to you when you weigh them up against your chemistry with him... - then yes, invest longing and desire in this man, but acknowledge that you're CHOOSING a life of pain and suffering and don't weep and wail that that's what you've drawn. It will be your choice, and you must deal with the consequences of it.

 

But if you decide that it's not worth it, that the costs are just too high - then do as Owl suggests and take concrete steps to put it all behind you.

 

It's a choice only you can make - and until you do, you'll be stuck in this limbo of anguish.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hey all thanks for the kind regards about my father. He is doing fine, he had a stroke last Friday but thankfully it was a less severe type. He is still in hospital now and has improved alot - hopefully he will make a full recovery after plenty of physio to help him gain the strength back in his left arm and leg.

 

Owl - how did I guess you would ask me whether I had blocked all contact from MM?!

I have cancelled the email address he knew and will block him from my cell phone number once I find out how to do it. I feel so sad letting go like this it really is rough. I guess if he REALLY did want to contact me in the future he would find a way wouldnt he? Not that Im living in hope. Well ok I did hope it would work out and love would find a way but now he has shown his true colors I am giving up. I feel so unhappy that it has come to this.

 

JJ - I really do want to change my name on here - Im sick to death of seeing it!!! I had a look at the editing options on here and there does not seem to be a way to alter usernames and I didnt want to come back as someone brand new - if that happened no one would see my previous posts so I want to stay as this member but want a different name! The one I picked is just so negative and makes me sound like I just feel sorry for myself. When I first posted here though I only thought it would be a one off, therefore the name 'heartbroken' seemed apt at the time.

Lonliness is just so hard for me to deal with though - like I said before I very rarely find men I connect with as Im very picky therefore Im very inexperienced with sex and relationships despite having the highest sex drive in the world - its very frustrating.

Everyone in work makes fun of me that I will end up on the shelf and that I should start filling my house with loads of cats. Urgh.

No one at work knows about MM though (apart from my boss) so they must all think I have had no one for years and years! If only they knew about my story!

Because I experienced how wonderful a sexual and romantic chemistry felt with MM, that feeling is just addictive and all I want is that. I am usually happy being single, but its tough when you are longing for someone so badly.

But yes, hes proved that he is not the man I thought he was. He has obviously found a woman out there to mess about with, or hes amusing himself with the locals as you suggested therefore no longer needs me. Well after all - doing that is cheaper than flying me out there and then 'keeping' me for months once I arrive.

 

Phoenix - I just cannot imagine the pain ending or having a connection with another man again. I just feel so sad and lonely. But realizing the MM will only cause me pain makes moving on a little easier I guess.

 

Eyes - yeah I agree, for me to completely throw myself into something else to take my mind off MM is a good idea but cos I feel so depressed right now nothing feels enjoyable. Everything I hoped for/enjoyed is associated with MM somehow as well so its very hard. I would focus on looking after my Father but I live and work 3 hours drive away. I will go to my hometown when I can though - in fact Im visiting them this weekend.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

No you don't. You may want some aspects of him, or want what you picture he'd become with you at his side, but the real him - the guy who treats you like dog**** and cares nothing for your feelings - really isn't what or who you want. Would you rather drink tequila or cleaning fluids? (OK, some tequila is pretty indistinguishable from drain cleaner, but most people would still rather have the tequila...)

 

Perhaps you should list the things about him you want / like / enjoy, in one column - and then the things you dislike / fear / would like to change about him in another. Then apportion to each the amount of time he spent demonstrating that aspect to you - totalling up to 100% when you add both columns together. That way you should be able to form a more realistic picture of the proportion of him that you really want, and the proportion of him you could well do without.

 

While the good times may have been good, do they really compensate for all the bad times, on balance? If you can HONESTLY say yes - that all the suffering, heartbreak and hurt is a minor cost in the light of the wonderful connection you had; that your emotional and mental health is a small price to pay for the intimacy you shared; that your competence at work and your social life really do not matter a fig to you when you weigh them up against your chemistry with him... - then yes, invest longing and desire in this man, but acknowledge that you're CHOOSING a life of pain and suffering and don't weep and wail that that's what you've drawn. It will be your choice, and you must deal with the consequences of it.

 

But if you decide that it's not worth it, that the costs are just too high - then do as Owl suggests and take concrete steps to put it all behind you.

 

It's a choice only you can make - and until you do, you'll be stuck in this limbo of anguish.

 

Well the things I like about him would definately outweigh the bad, however the total amount of time I have spent in pain over him would far outweigh our good times I think. But because the good times were so intense it made the pain seem worth it.

 

That 'rollercoaster' of highs and lows so frequently mentioned on here is definately what I experienced. Why is it that the good things seem to make the agony worth going through? So many of us on here do it to ourselves.

 

I am taking steps to move on from this awful situation, but cannot imagine the pain fading or not loving him. I mean its been a year since he abandoned me first time round yet my feelings are just as strong as they were this time last year. And over 2 years ago when we first met and something just clicked. I just wish it would all go away.

[dobler33]

wow. i see folks saying that he didn't steal your dream, but i know that it really feels like that. the day my MM ended it i had an actual bag packed and was preparing to go somewhere we could meet and start planning the rest of our lives together. the day before he was telling me how much he wanted to have babies with me; something my husband has been extremely reluctant to do. i believed it, utterly and completely, and was feeling full of possibility and strength and pure, peaceful knowledge that this was right and good. i'll never know if he believed it himself, whether it was a fantasy i was eating or whether he just decided at the 11th hour that he couldn't bear the change and the hurt to his own family. it doesn't matter. i believed it and when it ended i absolutely felt cheated, like he had stolen my dream. i felt stupid and duped and pathetic to have built a house on such shifting sand. i feel differently now; a good couple of weeks of righteous outrage on my part mellowed that feeling of loss and barrenness. it does fade, that's totally correct. and i forgive myself for believing it - when someone is offering you everything you've ever wanted, it's nearly impossible not to believe it. whether he did that out of emotional sadism or irresponsibility or a real desire to make it a reality i'll never know. you'll never know. as you move from stage to stage in your grief you'll have different opinions about it, explain it to yourself in different ways as time goes by. let this process happen. your heart knows how to heal itself. everything you felt was real. whether or not everything he felt was real is not your responsibility to discern, and trying will only drive you mad. hang in there. it gets easier, swear to god.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Look, there are no winners in an affair triangle. That's why they're so destructive and should be avoided at all costs.

 

I lost my dream when my ex-H cheated on me. In the end, what I won was freedom from someone who wasn't right for me. That I've since found true happiness with someone who's perfect for me, has made it all worthwhile.

 

Do yourself a favour. Get out and stay out. It's not worth it, not even the wasted emotion you're experiencing now. Someone who's willing to cheat on someone, isn't thinking about anyone but himself. Why would he act any differently when you become an inconvenience?

 

Look, there are no winners in an affair triangle. That's why they're so destructive and should be avoided at all costs.

True for the betrayed spouse and other woman/man - but the one doing the cheating is best off I think. Unless they have genuinelly fallen for the other person and do not know what to do about it. But serial cheaters do not care who they hurt. As long as they are happy and getting what THEY want.

 

Im so pleased that your story had a happy ending and that you are now with a lovely guy who treats you right.

[Trialbyfire]

True for the betrayed spouse and other woman/man - but the one doing the cheating is best off I think. Unless they have genuinelly fallen for the other person and do not know what to do about it. But serial cheaters do not care who they hurt. As long as they are happy and getting what THEY want.

 

Im so pleased that your story had a happy ending and that you are now with a lovely guy who treats you right.

Not in my situation since he kept hoping to reunite, for over 2 years past D-day. I think he's finally given up, since accepting my engagement. Sometimes, cheaters lose what they hold dear. Hey, that's life, right?

 

Thanks. The sooner you move on, the sooner your heart will be ready for someone else, someone who will also treat you right. It's going to take awhile though so don't get discouraged. Just keep on...moving on!

[OpenBook]

I am letting it go. I am moving on...to nothing.

 

God, have I been there... several times. But I would wager I've got a few years on you (I'm a bit long in the tooth, haha)... and I am here to testify that that "moving on to nothing" feeling is a false illusion.

 

The future is always in motion; nothing is set in stone. The point is to KEEP MOVING, no matter how you feel. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, through the darkness. Go on auto-pilot for awhile. The quickest way to the other side is to go straight through it.

 

I hope it helps you to know that you're not alone in going through this. Not by a long shot.

 

Just keep moving until you get to the other side of this.

[OWoman]

I am taking steps to move on from this awful situation, but cannot imagine the pain fading or not loving him. I mean its been a year since he abandoned me first time round yet my feelings are just as strong as they were this time last year. And over 2 years ago when we first met and something just clicked. I just wish it would all go away.

 

HB the feelings are just as strong because the hope never died - you were so keen to toss your resolve overboard when the merest hope of getting together again cropped up. And where there's hope, there will be disappointment, and pain.

 

Which is why making sure that he CAN'T contact you, and killing that hope, is the only way you're going to get through this cleanly.

 

Owl and I don't often agree on too many things but I so see his point on this - by actively taking steps to prevent further contact you're both signalling to yourself and the universe that you're moving on; also, by taking an active role you are refusing to be a victim of your circumstances and are taking steps to shape your life the way you'd like it to be. Action is the enemy of depression - depression robs you of initiative and motivation and leaves you impotent. Seizing the initiative restores power to you, gives you a sense of control and direction and creates a momentum that combats depression.

 

Perhaps you won't ever find that same connection or chemistry with someone else, who knows? But there's a lot to be said for being with someone because you WANT them, not because you NEED them - and once you know longer need MM to plug holes in your life, once you fill your own needs and look back on your R as nice but not critical to your survival... you'll start to radiate a confidence that will attract guys who don't want to prey on you, but who'll want you as an equal partner; guys who will respect you and who will treat you with love and dignity; guys you can trust and rely on. You won't NEED them; but you might enjoy them, even want them or desire them - and maybe one of them will spark a different connection, a different chemistry, that will be as powerful or as meaningful to you, in its own way. It happens - when you least expect it, because that's when you're most ready for it.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[bentnotbroken]

You didn't lose a dream. You are waking up from a nightmare. When you first wake up, you are still panicky, heart racing, sweating, fearful and you may even be crying. Then you realize, it is O*V*E*R. The heart rate slows, the trembling subsides, calmness replaces the fear and the tears stop. It is past and it is time for you to get up and live the day. But you can't do that if you never get up.

[sugarmomma]

You didn't lose a dream. You are waking up from a nightmare.

 

 

So the lesson should be...next time make shure he is having the same dream you are because it will turn out to be a nightmare.

 

Next time a man starts to sell you a dream tell him you no longer buy those. Always judge a man by his actions. Don't speak about it, be about it.

 

Get over his azz already.

 

Live Your Life!!!!

[fooled once]

But you haven't had him in your life in OVER a year. ONCE phone call does not equal a relationship.

 

I had a big feeling you had totally fantasized and packed your bags and I could just see you sitting there, waiting for the call. I hate that he did that to you. I hate that you invested so much emotionally for someone who hasn't been in your life for so long.

 

I think the hardest part for you is finally realizing it was all a dream. It was all a bad, ugly dream. He never had any intention of having you over to where he is. He never had any intention of a life with you.

 

And the saddest part is you didn't see it; and honestly, I am not sure you do. I would bet that if he called you tomorrow, you would drop everything for him.

 

Please also seek individual counseling.

 

And life isn't over for you. Hell, your life has been on HOLD for a year. NOW it is time to start living! NOW, you can stop wasting time on something that won't happen. You can get him out of your system and ALLOW yourself to be open to the possibility of someone else. You haven't been doing that --- you have been waiting on some jerk.

 

Yes, grieve and put a PERIOD on the end of this.

 

But the life you have ahead of you is ALL what you decide to make it. It IS up to you to find the life you want, the life you deserve and a NEW life just for you.

 

If you choose to sit and moon over him for the next 2 years, that is on you. Only YOU get to control your life.

 

Wash him out of your hair and get out there and celebrate life. You are young. With your father, look how quickly life can possibly be snatched from you. Life is precious. Don't take it for granted and don't waste it!

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[GreenEyedLady]

I am letting it go. I am moving on...to nothing.

 

I think nothing would be preferable to being told constant lies.

 

To someone who would allow you to quit your JOB.

 

To someone who pulls the disappearing act whenever they feel like it.

 

To someone who has made you loathe and doubt yourself.

 

You are moving on to freedom, to hope!

 

How much do you hate yourself that you think the best man for you is one who has treated you like you are less than human?

 

When a man loves you, you know. You don't even have to hear it, you see it.

 

You need to get into counseling and resolve these issues you have with yourself. Or you will be doomed to repeat this.

 

Take control of your life. This is your chance. A pity party will do you no good in healing. You have been given a gift. You just don't know it yet.

[Soaked]

 

How much do you hate yourself that you think the best man for you is one who has treated you like you are less than human?

 

When a man loves you, you know. You don't even have to hear it, you see it.

 

 

 

Somehow when I read this, your words makes my eyes watering.

 

@xxxheartbrokenxxx,

I'm sorry for your situation and I really hope all the best for your family.

[jj33]

HB I didnt mean to sound harsh but as someone who has spent their entire adult life battling depression and anxiety, its no way to live.

 

Its too easy to wallow in it and its the depression talking when you say there is nothing else for me. Depression is an illness so I am not minimising it. But knowing you are depressed isnt an excuse. If anything its a sign that you need to protect yourself more and take better care of yourself.

 

It takes time and relearning especially if as you have alluded in other posts your past has led you to believe certain things about yourself. Beliefs can shift. Its not an easy process but one that is very worthwhile.

 

hang in there. You can do this. This time next year you will look back and say oh my I was in a dark place but look how well I am doing now.

[bentnotbroken]

HB I didnt mean to sound harsh but as someone who has spent their entire adult life battling depression and anxiety, its no way to live.

 

Its too easy to wallow in it and its the depression talking when you say there is nothing else for me. Depression is an illness so I am not minimising it. But knowing you are depressed isnt an excuse. If anything its a sign that you need to protect yourself more and take better care of yourself.

 

It takes time and relearning especially if as you have alluded in other posts your past has led you to believe certain things about yourself. Beliefs can shift. Its not an easy process but one that is very worthwhile.

 

 

This is so true. I too battle depression. You can change the way you see yourself and value you more than you do now.

[skywriter]

heartbroken,

 

I don't even know what I can say, especially,after reading all these wonderful replies to your post.

 

One thought that came to my mind after reading your first post was your title,The Loss of my dream.

 

So, now you don't have this "dream",(fantasy), and you can live in reality. Reality is what we make of it, it can indeed be "nothing", if this is all we desire to make of it.

 

Someone said it very well, Love is an action. I believe this because I live it with my true friends and loved ones.

 

Even the best of us make bad choices, the good thing is we can empower ourselves with learning from those mistakes.

 

You spoke of your desire to have children, so you are relatively young, and have learned this lesson and can carry it with you throughout life. You can help others not to go down the same path, too.

 

Sending you a big ((hug)) and hope to hear that you are getting on alright.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just want to thank you all for the lovely messages of hope and positivity, its really helping.

 

Would just like to clarify...I did have every reason to believe MM was serious about me this time.

 

It was not just one phone call.

 

He emailed me a week before calling in the first instance asking how I was and whether it would be ok for him to call me. I ignored the email to see if he would call and he did a few days later but even then I let it go to voicemail about 3 times before I answered.

 

When we first spoke he sounded so pleased that he had finally got hold of me and told me he was in this other country and said he wanted to see me and invited me out there. Call was brief due to calling my cell from abroad, he emailed me the following day telling me a bit of background info...apparently his wife had turned into 'the bitch from hell' and was leaving him and the marriage was 'done'. He 'really really wanted to see me' and had been 'thinking about me since the last time we spoke'. Again he said he wanted me out there with him and that I can go for 'as long as I can', and that he would 'pay my ticket and cover my lost wages'. He did mention about getting a visa for 3-6 months so can anyone blame me for falling for it?

 

He went on to promise me a long and detailed Skype call but he never got round to it while his family were still there (understandably) and said once they had gone on the 22nd April we could definately talk then!

 

In the meantime he emailed me AGAIN, this time asking how soon I could go out there to be with him as he had 'just signed a reservation on a new apartment'. He included lots of kisses. He also text messaged me several times asking whether I was going out there, sometimes just to say hi, and always put loads of kisses. He even went on to send me a link via email about a famous club that was nearby, knowing I would be very interested due to loving house music...he really was selling the dream to me! That was the last I heard from him when he sent me the link which was 2 days before the 22nd April...THEN NOTHING.

 

JUST NOTHING.

 

Well apart from randomly adding me as a friend on Facebook (on the day his wife was supposed to have left him to head back to this country) under a different name which I ignored so he got no response from me about that at all.

 

I since found out his wife and kids ARE back here due to looking on his daughters social network profile so God knows what hes doing out there by himself.

 

Bottom line is - I know I have an overactive imagination, wishful thinking and live in a dream world etc but after reading all what I just said about his regular contact over a few weeks, can anyone blame me for believing him???

[jj33]

I understand what you are saying but you are missing the point.

 

He treated you like dirt. It doesnt matter what he said. He treated you terribly. And hurt you terribly. Remember last summer?

 

What you need to learn is to cut people like that out of your life forever, not to harbor the dream that they will someday give you what you want. They dont. They are scum.

 

Until you hardwire your brain so that you decide not to associate with people who treat you badly, you havent learned the lesson.

 

What comes out of their mouths is irrelevant. Its you feeding the fantasy.

 

If you are a child and your parent or other authority figure mistreats you, its understandable that you hope one day they will treat you better.

 

But when you are an adult, you dont have the same dependency on the people you let into your life. You need to learn that people dont get the chance to continually mistreat you and NOT to hold out the dream that one day they will treat you better.

 

Regardless of the sexual chemistry.

 

Its not easy. It will take time. But you will get there.