fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I've done well with n/c for over 2 months but today I was an idiot and looked at my ex's webpage and myspace (which are both open, is it possible to block them so I can't do this?!) which are to do with his business not personal. Needless to say I regret it big time now. Although the myspace says he's single on his business website every month he does a summary and adds thanks to people who've helped him and his close friends etc. When we were together he included me and I was the only one he put a kiss next to the name. So now there is some girl's name with a kiss by it, and to add insult to injury she has MY NAME too. It doesn't prove he's with her but suspecting is almost worse and I wish I could hack facebook to see. I'm so angry and hurt, if he didn't want a relationship why get with someone else after a couple of months? Seems he is a shallow bastard who just goes from one short-term relationship to the next but I can't believe I could have got someone so wrong. How could someone say and act like they love you then be some heartless about moving on?
notalone Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 The same thing happened to me...but only 2 weeks after the break up. Yes, it kills you. And no, you can't do anything about it. The only good thing that comes out of this kind of heartbreak is that one finally lets go of all hopes of a reconciliation. It's moving on fast forward. Grit your teeth and feel the pain. Soon you will get used to it. And dont go snooping again. For all those who are tempted to check your ex's myspace/facebook/webpage, don't do it. Whatever you find, you win't be anle to handle it.
Author fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Stupidly enough I'd already let go of hopes of reconciliation. I just wanted to see whether he respected our relationship enough to stay single for awhile, especially as when we last had contact his own life was a mess and he should sort himself out before getting with someone else. Still he was with me and his 2 previous exes for a few months then he split with them so I guess he'll do the same to her. I just can't believe my first love was in fact such a shallow scumbag. I thought seeing that he was would help but no I just feel stupid and I still can't totally believe it cos he was lovely most of the time we were together.
bluewolf17 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 This is exactly why I cancelled my Myspace, and blocked him on my Facebook. No one blames you Fairycake-we have all wanted to do that, and some of us have. But the reason we keep strict NC, is so that person isn't allowed to hurt us anymore, and so we can heal. Use it as a lesson, and use the pain to justify always sticking with NC from here on out. I'm really sorry.
Author fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 thanks. I thought the pain would help and that then I could hate him and it works a bit but then I don't want to believe my whole relationship meant nothing
bluewolf17 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I know you don't want to beleive, but it's best that you do. He threw all that love you gave him away. And now he has a new lady. I am not trying to be mean, this will hurt for awhile.. Just keep in mind that he wasn't worth it, if he threw you aside so easily. Just keep trying to heal and move on.
notalone Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 It probabaly did mean a lot. But it doesn't any more....not to him anyway. Some people are just blessed with the ability to move on really swift. And sometimes, they start detaching way in advance.
Author fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I don't know for sure he's with someone else, I mean a kiss next to a name doesn't prove it but I am suspicious. He didn't detach in advance either he was fine until a week before we split. I didn't want to hate him but I'm getting there now.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 It doesn't mean your relationship wasn't special. As others have said he could have been preparing to move on in advance, just clean fell out of love, met someone else and is mistaking those honeymoon feelings with love - it might not even be anything much, she could just be a welcome distraction. Its impossible to know the truth and the reality of the situation. Thats whats so difficult. We can't know what they think/feel anymore than they can comprehend what we think/feel. That doesn't mean we don't run in circles trying.
LadyV Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 thanks. I thought the pain would help and that then I could hate him and it works a bit but then I don't want to believe my whole relationship meant nothing Fairy, Like the otheres, I too have been there. I asked my XBF to block ME so that I wouldn't look at his site. Then I created a fake account, just so I could keep tabs on what was going on. The reason why I asked him to block me in first place is because I could see "flirtations" going on between he and another gal. I did ask him about it and he claimed she was just a friend. I then figured out that he, infact, just 3 days after telling me how much he loved me, was planning a date with her. This crushed me...I couldn't confront him, because I would look psycho, so I decided to just initate NC...that was 25 days ago...I have been by 1 other time, this was almost 2 weeks ago, but again, just dissapointment. I no longer do it just so that I won't feel worse. It hurts too much... I wonder too, how can someone profess their love for me, claim how much they need me, then all of a sudden be going on a date, and talking all about it on FB? I am now private, even my Myspace is private. I remind myself how horrible I feel when I go by his and her site's so I just don't do it anymore.... It's hard to not wonder; but in the end, I just don't want to feel any worse than I already do....
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ummm 2 months is a long time to many. 5 year relationship I was with a new guy. And yes, my ex did mean a great deal to me. And how exactly is he heartless? Would you call me "heartless"? Because I moved on found someone and let go of the past- I'm "heartless?" Sorry sweetie, but you've got this break up thing all wrong.
Author fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Yeah you're right, I don't know why I'm bothering to try and understand anything in his life. Finding it hard to move on I suppose. He'd had lots of short-term girlfriends before me but I actually believed I was different cos he said so, we talked on the phone and net for about a month before we meet and go on really well and he told me he really liked me, thought I was beautiful but didn't push for the physical stuff, like he made it clear he'd like it but waited for me to initiate it, he told me he loved me everyday, I met his family, 2 weeks before he split he was talking about what we'd be doing a year later. I mean surely I'm not stupid for believing I did mean something? Since he split with me though (which took a week of him saying it then taking it back) he's become someone I don't know and I don't want to cry over him anymore but I can't help it.
LadyV Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 It doesn't mean your relationship wasn't special. As others have said he could have been preparing to move on in advance, just clean fell out of love, met someone else and is mistaking those honeymoon feelings with love - it might not even be anything much, she could just be a welcome distraction. Its impossible to know the truth and the reality of the situation. Thats whats so difficult. We can't know what they think/feel anymore than they can comprehend what we think/feel. That doesn't mean we don't run in circles trying. Well said Nikki...Very true....
Author fairycake Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Ummm 2 months is a long time to many. 5 year relationship I was with a new guy. And yes, my ex did mean a great deal to me. I don't think 2 months is a long time at all. I couldn't imagine looking at anyone else until recently let alone go out and find someone. I didn't even have a relationship until I was with him and I was 25, I'm not someone who does dating etc cos I'm shy and it's hard for me to meet people. Clearly I'm too loyal and idealistic, I wanted to stay with my first love.
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Finding it hard to move on I suppose. I'm not stupid for believing I did mean something? Since he split with me though (which took a week of him saying it then taking it back) he's become someone I don't know. Your problem lies in the first statement you make. Hard to move on. Your problem isn't him moving on it's you. Simply delete him of myspace and possess some self control to not look at it anymore. Then get some friends and get busy... sound useless as all you think about is him, but in time you'll spend less and less time thinking and more and more time enjoying the activities and your friends' company. And no, you weren't stupid for believing him. He very well could have meant it at the time. So why are you hating him for that. I told my ex I loved him more than anything- you know what I meant it. So don't blast him for saying stuff to you- he might not have been feeding you lines. I don't think 2 months is a long time at all. I didn't even have a relationship until I was with him and I was 25. I'm not someone who does dating etc cos I'm shy and it's hard for me to meet people. Clearly I'm too loyal and idealistic, I wanted to stay with my first love. You said yourself, you don't think. To me, 2 months was more than enough to get over my ex. He's not cruel, or heartless, he moved on. Why do you hold that over his head. I think the fact you've never had a relationship therfore never had heartbreak says a lot. You're naive, it is pretty unrealistic to expect the first love to stick. Yeah, it happens but it's the exception not the rule. I too am not a dater, but I went on 3 with 3 guys, the 4th one was the last one. And yes, I met him 2 months after my breakup. Loyal does not mean forever... don't mistake that. I have been loyal to every man I've been with. But I have not been with them forever.
Author fairycake Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I think he's heartless and I'm majorly angry and hurt cos he split with me due to being 'bad at relationships' and cos of his own probs he has 'nothing to give' so why the hell is he seeing someone else then?! He swore the split was nothing to do with me but with him and needing to be alone and whilst I'm still so sad over it he's seeing some other girl. I've been trying to stay busy but I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years (this didn't affect our relationship as I'm good at hiding it and if I avoid sitiations I find difficult I can just cope) and I've lost interset in stuff and find it hard to get stuff done. I'm on medication, I've had therapy, helps a bit but I'm still unhappy and having the only guy I loved split with me suddenly and move straight on has made me feel more worthless and like I'm loosing the will to live. I was doing better until I saw his page (my fault for being weak I know) and now I'm struggling not to cry all the time over someone I know isn't worth it. I have a few good friends but I haven't been able to work for awhile, the class I go to is female-dominated, I do go to bars etc but on the rare occasion a guy appoaches me it becomes clear soon they just want a one-night stand. It's not like I have much chance of meeting anyone else and he, the one who doesn't want a relationship, does. I'm trying to work on myself and to be content without a relationship but it's something I crave and whenever I think of kissing or feeling loved all I see is him cos that's all I've experined wheras to him I'm just forgetable! How am I meant to get over that?
LadyV Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I think he's heartless and I'm majorly angry and hurt cos he split with me due to being 'bad at relationships' and cos of his own probs he has 'nothing to give' so why the hell is he seeing someone else then?! He swore the split was nothing to do with me but with him and needing to be alone and whilst I'm still so sad over it he's seeing some other girl. I've been trying to stay busy but I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years (this didn't affect our relationship as I'm good at hiding it and if I avoid sitiations I find difficult I can just cope) and I've lost interset in stuff and find it hard to get stuff done. I'm on medication, I've had therapy, helps a bit but I'm still unhappy and having the only guy I loved split with me suddenly and move straight on has made me feel more worthless and like I'm loosing the will to live. I was doing better until I saw his page (my fault for being weak I know) and now I'm struggling not to cry all the time over someone I know isn't worth it. I have a few good friends but I haven't been able to work for awhile, the class I go to is female-dominated, I do go to bars etc but on the rare occasion a guy appoaches me it becomes clear soon they just want a one-night stand. It's not like I have much chance of meeting anyone else and he, the one who doesn't want a relationship, does. I'm trying to work on myself and to be content without a relationship but it's something I crave and whenever I think of kissing or feeling loved all I see is him cos that's all I've experined wheras to him I'm just forgetable! How am I meant to get over that? I first off want to say that I am very sorry for your pain...I too have been there...my marriage ending devastated me. I was married to him for 13 years. This new relationship I had with XBF really hit me hard because even though I had some doubt, I thought that he treated me well. In the end, he really didn't. I am on 26 days of NC. It has been almost 2 weeks since I went by his and her sites. I won't do it again...it only makes me feel worse to see how quickly he has moved on. I can relate to you with the depression. Today is actually a good day for me. I'm actually looking forward to the weekend with friends. I have had to force myself to go out. I stay away from bars, I don't feel comfortable there. Another thing that has helped me is my faith. I am a firm believer that when God closes one door, he opens another. It takes time to see it sometimes, but in the end, this whole situation is not good for me at all. My focus is me, and my issues as hard as they are to face at times. You will get through this. Time will heal you. Keep your head up, and keep posting. I have found tremendous support here!!!
Author fairycake Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Thanks Lady V, I joined this site hoping for some kind words, harsh truth are all well and good but it doesn't help me. All I feel is pain that the only guy who I believed loved me let me down. I don't know how I'll trust anyone again when so many people can just walk away. I'd never want to depend on a partner but I'm an all or nothing person and I gave my all to have it thrown back in my face. If you don't give it your all why bother? I'd never compare how it feels for someone who has been with someone years to what I feel but the way he ended it suddenly with no reason really made it so much worse. Then I thought of all the stuff he and others said when we were together and realised he's been in and out of short-term relationships most of his life. It seems despite all his talk of our future he never intended staying with me for long and I feel sorry for his new girl cos he'll prob do the same to her. Even now I want to tell him exactly what I think of him but I doubt that would even bother him. Unfortunately I have no faith and seem to lurch from one existential crises to the next. I'm doing my best to keep going but it's really difficult.
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