stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 My R has been on/off for the past three years, but we have finally gotten our sh*t together and addressed some major issues. We are doing well -- in fact I accepted a proposal just this past weekend. However, in the next month he will be moving 480 miles away (6.5 hour drive) to take a much better job. I just started a great job here two months ago. We are going to attempt long distance, b/c we don't plan to get married for at least one year anyway. Anyone have any really solid pointers for having a successful LDR? Thank you!
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Who will be moving. Doesn't matter if you're doing long distance or not it matters who is going to be the one leaving for whom.
Author stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 We don't know yet. If he is successful and really likes his new job, I will probably look at moving at some point to be closer to him. Jobs in his field are much fewer than in mine. If he dislikes the job or area, he will probably move closer to me again, and then we will decide what to do long term together.
hoping2heal Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Pointers - COMMUNICATION ; yeah you have heard it a million times but it's amazing how even people I've observed with relationships that are NOT LDR's are poor in this. Do what you can to learn about improving it and let it start with you. I.E If you make a comittment to just improve communication from your end ; you'll be amazed at how it transforms the relationship for both people. Ideally it would be great if your partner did the same but he will get there when he's ready (heck, he might be game from day 1 too ) Expectations ; Get yours in check. Know what is reasonable and unreasonable during the course of your LDR or you will find yourself feeling more misery, insecurity, and lonliness than is necessary. Have a clear understanding of when you'll be able to see eachother and when not, when you'll be able to talk to eachother etc. Adaptability; Be prepared for a big change, but don't believe because it's difficult it has to be all negative either. You are going to have to both learn new methods of communicating effectively, spending time with eachother and getting your relationship needs met. Be open; there's a solution to every problem. It won't always work out the way you ideally want (as is the nature of LDR's) but things can at least become bearable and not all misery . There are still ways to enjoy eacother. Positivity; This is going to be a biggie; If you read some of the other posters stories on here (Islandgirl anyone??) about how long they have endured (successfully and still very much in love) being seperated from one another it will really put into perspective the time frame you're going to be battling. LDR's are not easy, they are taxing and stressful and lonely. BUT, again they are not without ANY positives (if that were the case NO ONE would be having them ). Learn and familiarize yourself with the positives in your LDR and keep them at the forefront of your mind. Just because you are not together physically, does not mean there aren't numerous opportunities to strengthen your relationship and bond because there ARE. LDR's are much like those writing excersizes where you see a huge bank of words, and then are asked to cross out all but ten; ten you don't even get to choose and then you're told to write a paragraph using only those ten words. The result? At first you think "what? this is damn near impossible I don't know how I'm going to do it." But in the end, you end up writing something ten times more creative, interesting and effective than if you would of had 300 other words at your disposal. You're FORCED to deal with limited means and it's not easy but it's possible to bring forth beautiful things from that.
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 It's this uncertainty that's the issue. Basically you took one step forward and 4 steps back. So what you're engaged to be married in what you hope to be a year what if niehter of you moves for 5yrs? Then you either break up or move but the time has already passed.
Author stace79 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 It's this uncertainty that's the issue. Basically you took one step forward and 4 steps back. So what you're engaged to be married in what you hope to be a year what if niehter of you moves for 5yrs? Then you either break up or move but the time has already passed. No, no, someone will definitely move within a year, give or take a few months. We are as of now planning to get married in Oct/Nov 2010. I just want to read suggestions from people on how to make it work. I've never done long-distance so I'd like to hear what it's like from people who know, so I hopefully can minimize any unrealistic expectations.
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ok good. Prepare for alot of time alone chatting, or talking on the phone. Prepare for the loss of affection (if one or both of you is very phsyically needy it's going to be extremely rough)
SophieA Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Talk talk talk talk talk however you can. Email, letter, skype is amazing. There will still be days that royally suck. But some days aren't so bad. It's been described on this forum before as a rollercoaster of emotions and it is. It's a really good thing that you know approx. how long you'll be long distance. And if he asked you to marry him, obviously he's committed to making things work. You guys will be fine. Just keep on talkin'.
Island Girl Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 As others have said: Communicate. This isn't as easy as just talking to each other. You are used to being able to rely on facial expressions and gestures more than you realize. So you are going to need to explain exactly how you feel and why or how it can be addressed within your relationship. It isn't easy. But the two of you are both fully committed so it should be an easier transition. Realize that insecurities can flare. Even the most trusting relationship can be tested with very small pestering thoughts. Talk about how you are going to address these and help each other with them. There are no stupid questions and every question gets a straight answer. My husband and I have had this in place from the beginning. I can not tell you how many issues this has solved and how many fights have been avoided from just this rule. We also have a rule no answering questions with a question. It kind of reiterates the ones above. But no "why are you asking me that?", etc. If the other person asks then they want to know. Simple as that. If you have an especially wonderful conversation and he says some of those incredibly sweet things -- WRITE THEM DOWN. In those moments where you are down or feel it is overwhelming you can read those and it will help you PHENOMENALLY. If you are feeling insecure for whatever reason then you can read those and you will be taken back to the *love* place where you feel like you are floating on a cloud. A year seems like a really long time but it truly isn't. Time will move on quickly especially if you are both committed to giving each other what you need to feel comfortable. This is different for everyone and certainly compromises are part of this too. Last of all: Never lose sight of the big picture. I don't see this as becoming a problem for you. My husband and I had always talked about our future and it became "The Plan". Both of us have reminded each other that we are working toward The Plan and keeping our grip on that tight and strong. It has served us incredibly well. Welcome to our little section of Loveshack. We can all relate in ways that other people in your life may not have the ability to do. It helps tremendously. I G
Author stace79 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Thank you all so much! This is some really good advice. I am sure when things get rough I will be back here to discuss. It's funny that you guys mentioned writing down the "lovey" stuff - I frequently ask him to e-mail me just so I can save his nice words. And never answering questions with questions - We do that now once in awhile and it drives me nuts! Thanks again everybody.
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