lonelygurl Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 It has been almost six months since my X left a note and left in the middle of the night. I'm getting worse rather than better. I don't know how to get past this overwhelming grief and loneliness and constant crying. My anxiety and depression are getting worse and I just feel so lost. All I do is think about him and miss him and get urges to call him. I just finished six weeks as an outpatient at the hospital for therapy (rather than doing inpatient), but now I’m in waiting for, who knows how long, for the depression group and then an anxiety group. I feel like I can’t take this anymore. I am paralyzed with fear, anxiety, depression and grief. When does this grief pass??? I have been reading a bit about grief and for some it takes 1-2 years. My counselor (who I don’t think I have anymore) said that around six months it can get bad. I guess as more of the reality that they are gone sinks in. I feel like I can’t go on anymore.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I feel like I can’t go on anymore. Yes you can, and yes you will. I have felt this way all day today. And LS does miracles. It makes me feel less alone, and gives me hope that someday I will get through this. Funny how those depressing and suicidal thoughts I know so well came back today and not even a couple of hours later, here on LS I feel a lot better. I feel like we're all friends and we're all going to stick with one another like our ex's didn't, and help each other through this. Don't give up, we're all here for you.
wow123 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I'm on 2 weeks nc. I thought i was getting better but then I woke up this morning feeling miserable and it continues...I want to get better too
bluewolf17 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 You will be just fine. Trust us. Just take it day by day. Don't focus on "I will be happier tommorow". Try smaller steps, like, "I won't feel as bad tommorow". I go from happy to sad, to happy, to depressed, to angry. All day long. It will ease up, I know..it's just a matter of hanging on for the ride. Hang on for dear life :0) I am on 2 weeks as well. A sad little milestone.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I go from happy to sad, to happy, to depressed, to angry. All day long. Same here. It gets really overwhelming, but I can't wait till I'm over it.
bluewolf17 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Same here. It gets really overwhelming, but I can't wait till I'm over it. Ditto. It will be a great day when I can feel normal. Happy.
superunknown Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I feel your pain Lonelygurl. it is never easy breaking up. but by the sounds of it, the guy hwo did that to u must have been an enormous jerk and a coward. u deserve way better than that, u deserve a MAN! I broke with my ex 2months ago, at the start of an intense University examination period. this was a horrible period, and it still hurts. but it will get easier. here i am typing this, and when i first posted a thread on LS, and got the same reply, I thought to myself "this will never get any easier, they dont know how bad it feels". but I promise you, it will. An important thing to try to do, is learn to love yourself again. spoil yourself, buy that DVD box or that latest cd by ur fave artist, even if you dont need it. u may not b anywhere near ready to enter the dating pool, heck, either am i. i have zero pulling skills. but make urself desirable. buy that awesome dress that makes u look great. get a new hair style, even get an original looking tattoo! immerse yourself in things that will bring you joy, from something as small as a funny clip on youtube or an amusing television programme, to having a great night out with your good friends or booking a short holiday somewhere with someone. Keep your family and friends close to you, as they are the most precious possession you have at the minute. i tend to withdraw into myself when upset, but i used my friends to get back on my own 2 feet. it helps to talk to them, one night, u just need to GUSH. Music helps. not music that reminds you of ur ex (i myself cannot listen to deftones, that was our band). an album that helped me was Achtung Baby by U2. i still blast it in the car, and sing at the top of my voice to it. singing your heart out, or even just screaming your head off (dont go crazy though!) releases frustration and lifts the soul in a strange way. its not a long term solution, but it eases the pain. I hope what I'm saying will bring you some solace. Learn to love yourself again. Make yourself desireable. we all know your pain, its not uncommon, its the worst feeling in the world. but occupy yourself, vent your feeling with your friends, and be proud of who you are.
Author lonelygurl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Yes you can, and yes you will. I have felt this way all day today. And LS does miracles. It makes me feel less alone, and gives me hope that someday I will get through this. Funny how those depressing and suicidal thoughts I know so well came back today and not even a couple of hours later, here on LS I feel a lot better. I feel like we're all friends and we're all going to stick with one another like our ex's didn't, and help each other through this. Don't give up, we're all here for you. Thank you for telling me this! I have been a member of LS for a bit, but the last couple of months haven't been coming on much. But now with the way I feel I think I have to keep coming again. It reminds me that I'm not alone in this unbearable pain.
Author lonelygurl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I'm on 2 weeks nc. I thought i was getting better but then I woke up this morning feeling miserable and it continues...I want to get better too For me when it was 2 weeks I was still in shock. I'm sorry you have to go through this too.
Author lonelygurl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 You will be just fine. Trust us. Just take it day by day. Don't focus on "I will be happier tommorow". Try smaller steps, like, "I won't feel as bad tommorow". I go from happy to sad, to happy, to depressed, to angry. All day long. It will ease up, I know..it's just a matter of hanging on for the ride. Hang on for dear life :0) I am on 2 weeks as well. A sad little milestone. I can completely relate to the emotions bouncing around. Lately though with my depression I don't feel much happiness... I wish we could get past this without so much pain.
Author lonelygurl Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 I feel your pain Lonelygurl. it is never easy breaking up. but by the sounds of it, the guy hwo did that to u must have been an enormous jerk and a coward. u deserve way better than that, u deserve a MAN! I feel extremely betrayed for what and how he did it. We got back together with all the promises of him staying and then just like clockwork he left again. I don't understand how he could just leave in the middle of the night and leave me a note. Communication was a big problem in our relationship. I wanted to work at repairing the relationship, but he said he was "numb". In the past he has always found a new g/f before he leaves so he may have again. It was hard on him though with my severe anxiety because it is so overpowering. I broke with my ex 2months ago, at the start of an intense University examination period. this was a horrible period, and it still hurts. but it will get easier. here i am typing this, and when i first posted a thread on LS, and got the same reply, I thought to myself "this will never get any easier, they dont know how bad it feels". but I promise you, it will.. I don't know how you managed to get through you exams? I had to stop working and leave school becaue I am such a mess. I have been having trouble with depression and anxiety for awhile. The depression had lifted a bit but not the anxiety and I guess my X just couldn't take it anymore. Rather than try to understand and help he left. He seems to have a pattern in relationships when things go wrong, just leave. I am more the type to want to work on it as much as possible. I was with my XH for 18 years. An important thing to try to do, is learn to love yourself again. spoil yourself, buy that DVD box or that latest cd by ur fave artist, even if you dont need it. u may not b anywhere near ready to enter the dating pool, heck, either am i. i have zero pulling skills. but make urself desirable. buy that awesome dress that makes u look great. get a new hair style, even get an original looking tattoo!. I try to do this all the time, but you know somedays it is just so overwhelming I can't even concentrate on a movie. In the first couple of months after the break I watched a ton of movies. I like the tattoo idea! I have always thought of getting one and have found a black rose I'd like to get. I hope what I'm saying will bring you some solace. Learn to love yourself again. Make yourself desireable. we all know your pain, its not uncommon, its the worst feeling in the world. but occupy yourself, vent your feeling with your friends, and be proud of who you are. Thank you for all the great tips! I have terrible self-esteem so learning to love myself is tough. I am also getting therapy and starting some other groups at some point, for my depression and anxiety.
fairycake Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 Hi Lonelygurl, I feel for you cos I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years too and it makes dealing with everything else so much more difficult. I've been split from my ex for 4 months but it didn't sink in properly until two months later when we cut all contact. I still find it really tough as he was my first love and I don't expect I'll meet anyone else for a long while. I didn't think anyone would be interested in me cos of my own problems but my ex had been through similar stuff and understood and he meant so much to me, then he split with me cos of his issues and fact he 'was bad at relationships' and 'always ended up going distant and not making an effort'. Then the other day I was stupid enough to look at his webpage and looks like he's found someone else so I'm so angry that if he's so bad at relationships he's in another one. After we split I realised from stuff he and other people had said he'd had loads of short-term relationships which hurt as he talked about the future when we were together and I wouldn't have got emotionally involved with someone who wasn't intersted in a long term thing. Anyway keep on with the therapy etc, try and do things that you enjoy and spend time with friends and family. The advise about not thinking you 'should' feel better is good too, just take things slowly and you will heal eventually.
Author lonelygurl Posted May 30, 2009 Author Posted May 30, 2009 Hi Lonelygurl, I feel for you cos I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years too and it makes dealing with everything else so much more difficult. I've been split from my ex for 4 months but it didn't sink in properly until two months later when we cut all contact. I still find it really tough as he was my first love and I don't expect I'll meet anyone else for a long while. I didn't think anyone would be interested in me cos of my own problems but my ex had been through similar stuff and understood and he meant so much to me, then he split with me cos of his issues and fact he 'was bad at relationships' and 'always ended up going distant and not making an effort'. Then the other day I was stupid enough to look at his webpage and looks like he's found someone else so I'm so angry that if he's so bad at relationships he's in another one. After we split I realised from stuff he and other people had said he'd had loads of short-term relationships which hurt as he talked about the future when we were together and I wouldn't have got emotionally involved with someone who wasn't intersted in a long term thing. Anyway keep on with the therapy etc, try and do things that you enjoy and spend time with friends and family. The advise about not thinking you 'should' feel better is good too, just take things slowly and you will heal eventually. Having the depression and anxiety disorders do make it very difficult. I think more so than for some other people. Many times ppl get into a relationship fast because it avoids them working on themselves and the inner problems they have. So they go from relationship to relationship and always blame the X. My X had numerous short term g/f's before me. It was a least a dozen but I suspect a lot more. He like meeting ppl for sex on some of the adult websites. It is hard when they move on quickly. I know my X did again. He never left one girl without having another lined up to avoid being alone. It doesn't solve the/his problems though, just masks them.
superunknown Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 I feel extremely betrayed for what and how he did it. We got back together with all the promises of him staying and then just like clockwork he left again. I don't understand how he could just leave in the middle of the night and leave me a note. Communication was a big problem in our relationship. I wanted to work at repairing the relationship, but he said he was "numb". In the past he has always found a new g/f before he leaves so he may have again. It was hard on him though with my severe anxiety because it is so overpowering. this guy seems like hes capable of making your life a misery. i believe in 2nd chances, but you can only have one 2nd chance. this guy has clearly hurt you a lot, and you dont deserve that any longer. he will only continue to damage your self esteem and provoke ur anxiety. I don't know how you managed to get through you exams? I had to stop working and leave school becaue I am such a mess. I have been having trouble with depression and anxiety for awhile. The depression had lifted a bit but not the anxiety and I guess my X just couldn't take it anymore. Rather than try to understand and help he left. He seems to have a pattern in relationships when things go wrong, just leave. I am more the type to want to work on it as much as possible. I was with my XH for 18 years. I had no choice to get through them. My future was at stake, but I ploughed all the pain and heartache into my work, and I got some of the best results in my 4 years at university. No matter how I was feeling, no one was going ruin my degree. no one. it was no doubt the hardest thing ive ever had to do but I did it. sometimes, you just have to keep on moving. as i like to say, a three legged dog still has to walk... Remember,there is only one of you, and only YOU can make YOU the best YOU that you can be, if that makes sense. a lot of yous there...but seriously, u only have one chance to enjoy this life. this guy, or the memory of him is still wrecking your life; do NOT let him/it. I try to do this all the time, but you know somedays it is just so overwhelming I can't even concentrate on a movie. In the first couple of months after the break I watched a ton of movies. I like the tattoo idea! I have always thought of getting one and have found a black rose I'd like to get. personally im not a huge movie fan, i get too restless to sit an watch a 90min to 2 hour film. i would prefer to watch something shorter like a comedy programme like south park or whose line is it anyway. keep the programmes short, but make sure theyr amusing. i felt better after just watchin a bit of whose line on youtube. its a minor cure, but it helps. You should totally get the tattoo. see it as a milestone without this ass. maybe you could even take the plunge and travel around the world. create an identity for yourself that this guy cant fit into. Thank you for all the great tips! I have terrible self-esteem so learning to love myself is tough. I am also getting therapy and starting some other groups at some point, for my depression and anxiety. ur more than welcome for the advice im not expert, but if i thought that the ways i dealt with the pain could help somebody, id share it with the world. learning to love oneself sure is hard. im not the most confident chap on the planet and deal with bouts of low self esteem from time to time. but im workin out, im playin guitar more, and just workin on me, and makin myself the best i can be. i hope you can too..just hang in there.
superunknown Posted May 31, 2009 Posted May 31, 2009 yea not sure how to use the quote thing on LS yet, but hopefully ull pick out what i said!
fairycake Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Many times ppl get into a relationship fast because it avoids them working on themselves and the inner problems they have. So they go from relationship to relationship and always blame the X. It doesn't solve the/his problems though, just masks them. You're so perceptive there, my ex has some big problems with himself and his life, has done on and off for years but instead of working to solve them he goes into denial and buries himself in something else. I tried to help him through some stuff but he would always be honest then later play down the seriousness of the problem and make out he could sort it out. Wouldn't happen though then he'd end up panicking about it again weeks later. I got so frustrated watching him do stupid things that to me where relatively simple to fix. I'd suggest stuff to help but he just didn't listen. In hindsight I think I was too much of the 'giver' in that it was him leaning on me because of his problems and I never put my stuff on him like that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. Plus he wasn't happy with me, with his other ex and so I doubt he'll ever be happy until he admits to himself the problems in his own life. I'm feeling OK about our break up now, it still hurts how he ended it then is seeing someone else but I'm glad I don't have to deal with his rubbish now and I can work on myself. I hope things get easier for you too Lonelygurl.
TheBigCow Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I don't know how you managed to get through you exams? I had to stop working and leave school becaue I am such a mess. I have been having trouble with depression and anxiety for awhile. The depression had lifted a bit but not the anxiety and I guess my X just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to post because I relate to this so much. Over the last 2 years I've been dealing with some depression but having my X there really helped me succeed regardless and push forward. My X did find it frustrating and she was often not very good at supporting me when I had anxiety attacks.. but I don't think thats why she left. I too dropped out of school quit my job ect.. I was about to finish my university degree and had to pull out :S I am seeing a councilor and trying anti-depressant meds.. not sure if they're doing anything though. Anyway.. you're not alone
Author lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 yea not sure how to use the quote thing on LS yet, but hopefully ull pick out what i said! no worries I read through it all. You have to copy and paste the beginning and endings of each quote to break it down. Thanks for you reply!
Author lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 You're so perceptive there, my ex has some big problems with himself and his life, has done on and off for years but instead of working to solve them he goes into denial and buries himself in something else. I tried to help him through some stuff but he would always be honest then later play down the seriousness of the problem and make out he could sort it out. Wouldn't happen though then he'd end up panicking about it again weeks later. I got so frustrated watching him do stupid things that to me where relatively simple to fix. I'd suggest stuff to help but he just didn't listen. In hindsight I think I was too much of the 'giver' in that it was him leaning on me because of his problems and I never put my stuff on him like that. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. Plus he wasn't happy with me, with his other ex and so I doubt he'll ever be happy until he admits to himself the problems in his own life. I'm feeling OK about our break up now, it still hurts how he ended it then is seeing someone else but I'm glad I don't have to deal with his rubbish now and I can work on myself. I hope things get easier for you too Lonelygurl. I just did six weeks outpatient at the hospital and I learned a lot from the therapy there. I am now waiting for 2 other groups and also going to get help from our local mental health unit. My X was the same. He never really worked on himself and he had lots of issues as well. Relationships take a lot of work. This time around I am staying on my own with my kids and really have to work on my mental health. My depression and anxiety have only gotten worse.
Author lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 I just wanted to post because I relate to this so much. Over the last 2 years I've been dealing with some depression but having my X there really helped me succeed regardless and push forward. My X did find it frustrating and she was often not very good at supporting me when I had anxiety attacks.. but I don't think thats why she left. I too dropped out of school quit my job ect.. I was about to finish my university degree and had to pull out :S I am seeing a councilor and trying anti-depressant meds.. not sure if they're doing anything though. Anyway.. you're not alone My X left me this time because he said he couldn't handle my "disorders". That was his way of shifting all the blame to me. I have been doing therapy, just did six weeks outpatient at the hospital, and I have more groups line up. But everything has such a long wait list. I am dealing with several disorders and just can't seem to get myself back on track. The breakup certainly hasn't helped in my recovery. I'm on a slew of meds and still haven't found the right one for my severe anxiety or depression.
TheBigCow Posted June 3, 2009 Posted June 3, 2009 How long are you trying the medications for? I'm guessing you know this but most of them take at least a few weeks to work.. and some up to a month.
Author lonelygurl Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 How long are you trying the medications for? I'm guessing you know this but most of them take at least a few weeks to work.. and some up to a month. medications are maxed and used for months. I now have an anxiety specialist pdoc, who still can't get the right meds. I have had way too many different meds. It is looking more like treatment resistant depression with my severe anxiety disorders. New meds in a few weeks and ECT are the next step.
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