OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 How long does the intensity of loss following a D typically last (if there's such a thing as typically)? I'm finding all of this rather foreign - when I left my H (many years ago now) I moved on; I had a small baby and a young child to take care of, after all. I didn't sit around simmering with hatred or longing or anything at all for him, so I'm struggling to understand why it's still such a big deal to my H's xW after all this time. It's been about 18 months since he left her; we've been married for several months now, and to family, friends and colleagues of my H she's a distant memory... But it's clearly still very fresh and raw to her (more so since she got dumped by her BF a few months back) and she's determined to play the role of Toxic XW as well as she can - despite the difficulties it causes for the kids. We're getting on with our lives, trying to minimise the fallout from the drama she sows, for the kids' sake, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing the kids a favour by encouraging them to keep up their R with her when it's so riven with drama, and whether they'd be better off not seeing her until she's through the intensity of her transition. H reckons she'll get over it eventually, that she'll get used to the idea that things have changed, and she'll move on... but how long will that take? Is it fair to the kids to give them front row seats to her continued unravelling, or should I give in to their feeble excuses for not going to see her until things have stabilised?
Groovy Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Everyone is different, it could go on forever or end tomorrow. If you feel like the kids are affected negatively by the drama try to talk to the person as respectfully as you can about your concern, even if she isn't respectful. Kids have enough on their plate just being kids. How old are the kids? Are they old they are to grasp the emotional understanding of two people who want different things in life and go their seperate way?. You can let them know you still care about your ex but you just are on different life paths and to let them know you are there to talk with them if they need. But based on your post are these your kids or hers? Based on the fact you broke up an existing marraige to have a new one I'm surprised you are allowed any contact with that family and their resentment will probably never go away. I know mine wouldn't.
Author OWoman Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Everyone is different, it could go on forever or end tomorrow. If you feel like the kids are affected negatively by the drama try to talk to the person as respectfully as you can about your concern, even if she isn't respectful. Kids have enough on their plate just being kids. How old are the kids? Are they old they are to grasp the emotional understanding of two people who want different things in life and go their seperate way?. You can let them know you still care about your ex but you just are on different life paths and to let them know you are there to talk with them if they need. But based on your post are these your kids or hers? Based on the fact you broke up an existing marraige to have a new one I'm surprised you are allowed any contact with that family and their resentment will probably never go away. I know mine wouldn't. They're my H's kids. There is no problem with "the family" - the family are all in favour of our M, and the kids are with us mostly through their own choice. They're teens, so old enough to voice opinions on the matter. Their problem is with their mother, and they're reluctant to sustain that R though I have been trying to encourage them to keep in contact at the very least. But I'm not sure the drama is healthy for them, and don't want to force something against their will if this is the shape of things to come. If it's just a passing phase, I'd hate them to lose contact with their mother because of a "rough patch".
Groovy Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 I think it depends what kind of drama we are talking about...violence, drugs, sleeping around, alcoholism, talking badly about the father and you, etc? Explain more please...
LakesideDream Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Owoman, I fear there is little chance of things changing in the short term. My ex remained "toxic" (your use of the word was great) for many years, maybe ALL the years. She used every oppertunity to damage me, hurt my feelings etc until just about a year ago. She willingly sacrificed our adult childrens comfort and welfare, poisioning my relationship with the both of them during that time. Some 7 years. Currently things have changed to the point where it takes me off guard. It's finally become a "what's past is past, do no harm" situation, which is a relief to me. I wish you all the luck.
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