PhoenixRise Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Phoenix, you are describing my life and transformation! I often wonder if many men subconciously choose to marry women who they think will make great life partners; good wives, great mothers, keepers of the hearth and home, but them begin to miss all that undivided attention and flattery a mistress provides them. The ultimate irony is, with more time, attention, and affection towards the wife, they could also have in HER the mistress they seek elsewhere. I remember being exhausted from my wifey role, but always wistfully wishing he paid more attention to me THE WOMAN, she was still in there. When DDAy struck, the most painful discovery for me was all the time he devoted to her to create this passionate emotional connection with someone else. It is what I had wanted for years. I think there is truth to what you say here. To go even further, I think in my H's mind, the OW needed him more. I was in my 30's when we married. I had my own life, career, place, plans, etc. I was already happy with my life. I had enjoyed the romance, gifts, trips, etc. but I never needed those things to validate me. From what I have seen his OW did come to need those things to validate her. He got to be her everything. The most valuable lesson I learned from this whole situation is that you are responsible for your own happiness. This is why I don't wait for my husband to bring romance to my life anymore. I do something everyday to make myself happy. I wear soft sensual fabrics, soak in scented bubble baths, wear beautiful lingere, indulge in sexy perfumes, eat strawberries dipped in chocolate, have body scrubs, get massages, work out, and a million other things that make me happy. Yes I still take care of business, at home and in my work life, but I make damn sure I take care of me too. It has made me a better, happier, sexier wife and a better, happier more patient mother. Also, as a result my H has become more romantic and tuned into my emotional needs. I think some husbands might be a little clueless when it comes to making their wives happy. My husband now knows exactly what will make me happy because he sees me doing those things for myself It finally occured to me that if your husband only ever sees me taking care of hearth and home, then he MAY think that is all I need to be happy.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Dexter, one of the things we deal with now is "projection." Because the WS, unfortunately, realizes how easy it is to deceive someone who loves you, my husband is very jealous and insecure regarding other men who pay me attention, who I work with, etc. He truly lives in fear that I will seek revenge or find a better man. And he should be and is VERY fitting punishment for him. But the problem is, with cheaters, they use that jealousy and fear that their betrayed partners will find someone else, and probably think that you will end up cheating in return anyway, to help further their own justification for continuing an affair, or having more. And I agree with the fears of your husband.....he should fear you'll find a better man because, without a doubt, there IS a better man out there.
jwi71 Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 What getures do you make towards your wives? After reading what women have posted here, you must realize how important romance is to us. I divorced her. How's that for romance? However, I must admit you DO have a valid point. For many years up until her A, I was 65+ hour per week workaholic. And that obviously led to little or any time for "us". So, to answer your question...before her A I did virtually nothing. After d-day...I tried but the damage was done. I have, however, learned my lesson.
2sure Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 2sure, are you saying that the partner is less important than the feelings they provide? Did you ever think you fell in love with them to only realize it was the affair that provided the juice, not the person? That is a very interesting concept and it is the first time I am reading that here. Please expound on this. Bingo. You have it entirely. When I was having Affairs with married men, I was in a bad place during my life, I just didnt know it. But I learned a lot. I am average. I am not Beautiful, just pretty. I am not very intelligent, just clever. Not successful so much as resourceful. Average. An Affair is a selfish thing. When a MM has an A , it is about HIM. Who he wants himself to be, wishes himself to be. MM would never WISH for "average" so....they made me and the affair: PERFECT. I was beautiful because thats what his ego required. I was intelligent because he preferred to think I could have anyone, but chose him. The sex was great because we "connected", not because it was secret/taboo. I could have been anyone. All I had to be was available, MM did the rest.
Author Spark1111 Posted June 1, 2009 Author Posted June 1, 2009 2sure, are you saying that the partner is less important than the feelings they provide? Did you ever think you fell in love with them to only realize it was the affair that provided the juice, not the person? That is a very interesting concept and it is the first time I am reading that here. Please expound on this. Bingo. You have it entirely. When I was having Affairs with married men, I was in a bad place during my life, I just didnt know it. But I learned a lot. I am average. I am not Beautiful, just pretty. I am not very intelligent, just clever. Not successful so much as resourceful. Average. An Affair is a selfish thing. When a MM has an A , it is about HIM. Who he wants himself to be, wishes himself to be. MM would never WISH for "average" so....they made me and the affair: PERFECT. I was beautiful because thats what his ego required. I was intelligent because he preferred to think I could have anyone, but chose him. The sex was great because we "connected", not because it was secret/taboo. I could have been anyone. All I had to be was available, MM did the rest. I find this an amazing insight. So all these posters pining away for the OW/OM, thinking they have finally found a soulmate that they have lost to his kids/and or, obligations are misguided in that, any partner filling the needs would do? Did you ever "fall" for one, in the sense that you envisioned a future that could not be had? You know, did the hormones skew your judgement in that regard? Did you "feel in love" with any of them? And when did you realize you didn't? Just amazed by how many posters still put their affair partners up on pedestals, YEARS later.
2sure Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I find this an amazing insight. So all these posters pining away for the OW/OM, thinking they have finally found a soulmate that they have lost to his kids/and or, obligations are misguided in that, any partner filling the needs would do? Did you ever "fall" for one, in the sense that you envisioned a future that could not be had? You know, did the hormones skew your judgement in that regard? Did you "feel in love" with any of them? And when did you realize you didn't? Just amazed by how many posters still put their affair partners up on pedestals, YEARS later. Spark - I wanted to think about my answer to this. My feelings are crystal clear but the verbiage not so easy. My message, from MY experience is hard to hear for many people here. Hard for OW to know she is generic, hard for BS to know they were betrayed for something so unimportant, hard for MM to acknowledge he is so needy. No, I never fell for the "fairy tale". MM often would talk of a pretend future as pillow talk, just because it was an extension of the fantasy. But I knew it was just talk, even if he was stretching to believe it. MM rarely take an affair into real life when it becomes a burden or inconvenience to THEM. Yes, I felt some kind of love, certainly real affection. I liked these men, I enjoyed who they were when they were with me. To be honest, they were at the time, the type of men that I thought would be "out of my league" had they been single. So, they and what they had to offer in their fantasies were tempting. I wanted basically, what they pictured their wives as having. lol. The perfect husband. I knew I was not in love with any of them when I started to believe their own Bullsh**. They built me up so much. They made me think I was all that because I had to be all that in their minds for the affair to be satisfying and justified. Eventually, I realized that I WAS that woman and WAY to good for them!
Author Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2009 Author Posted June 2, 2009 2 sure....in the words of Reggie, you seem "so evolved." I think you have done some very hard work; taken self-destructing behavior patterns and really learned and grew from them. Kudos! It is rare to find such introspection in one who has traveled the path you have. So happy you got off the rollercoaster and began to develop a positive future. I do not have to tell you how many people repeat the same painful mistakes over and over again because they never take the time to learn from them. They continue to justify, self-validate, or excuse behaviors that cause such heartbreak for themselves and others. I think your insight is fascinating, and again, I appreciate your honesty.
2sure Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 I spent a lot of time in bad relationships, abusive, non productive, etc. I became comfortable with being a "victim". It took me a long time to realize I was a victim of myself.
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