In many ways, I want what the OW had with my spouse

May 28, 2009

I might get hammered, but here goes:

In therapy, my WS has offered that his OW wanted what I had: A loving husband, (I know, I know, somewhat laughable in light of the betrayal)successful children, stable family life, good friends, respect and admiration from our community, greater financial resources.

On many levels, he now asserts, she was jealous of me, mostly, of course, because I had him, but in other areas of my life, she had a curiousity about me.

This, too was her dream until her xWH married his last affair partner, and her bitterness towards him is still great, to the point of my husband telling her, "You MUST still care about him. It is almost all you talk about."

So guess what? Whether for reasons of ego, which I am discussing in therapy, I want what SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

It may be my mid-life crisis, it may be my jealousy, not only of the OW, but of the planning and time he devoted to give her wonderful romantic moments; of having that time and attention and affection and appreciation which he lasered in her direction, lasered in mine.

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

BSs who did not reconcile: Does it still make you bitter to think of how romantically well the AP was treated in comparison to you, the spouse?

OM/OW, do you secretly harbor a jealousy for the BS, not only because your AP returns home to them, but because you wish you could have what they have? A stable, loving, family life only with tthe AP in the role?

I have told him repeatedly, I am no longer interested in being the wife: someone who pays the bills, schleps the groceries, cleans the house, works the job, raises kids, because where did that get me? Betrayed by him to a "damsel in distress."

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his! Immature, unrealistic, insecure on my part? Maybe, but that is how I feel now.

May 28, 2009

Sigh. Spark - we have to get together over coffee.

I'm going to think about this one and get back to you.

I have been BOTH the OW (previous to being married to H) and BS in recovery. I think I can help you put a few things to rest, but want to choose my words.

May 28, 2009

Go on date nights! Make it exciting..Make out in the car, take time for eachother.. Have sex in the shower, on the dryer, on the floor. Buy some sexy outfits too!

I think this is something that both of you could enjoy and grow from...Bond, not only sexually but emotionally as well..

May 28, 2009

So guess what? Whether for reasons of ego, which I am discussing in therapy, I want what SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

You can have all of that...just not with your cheating d!cksmoke of a husband.

there are men out there that won't treat you like him and guess what....you'll have that sexual excitement.

but only if you divorce. sounds like you are wanting to keep the marriage however.

I wonder what your husband would think if he found out you went out and had some sexual excitement with another man after finding out he was screwing another woman?

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

Well, I'll never be a reconciling BS. However I think I can answer this with this question...why would you want what your H gave to the other woman? You'd be laying there thinking, "so this is what he did to her".

BSs who did not reconcile: Does it still make you bitter to think of how romantically well the AP was treated in comparison to you, the spouse?

Not at all. cuz one, I have had much better than her since being divorced, and 2, must not be all that great....he has physically abused her since I left her. So my guess is the romance now is completely dead:o

May 28, 2009

It may be my mid-life crisis

I have told him repeatedly, I am no longer interested in being the wife: someone who pays the bills, schleps the groceries, cleans the house, works the job, raises kids, because where did that get me? Betrayed by him to a "damsel in distress."

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his!

I don't know how long you've been married - but I believe there are a lot of women out there that feel EXACTLY like this (even if they haven't been in the situation you're in)

I hope there are some husbands reading here!!!!!

I don't think what you want is asking too much - Husbands might think so. I'd like that very much in my own relationship.

May 28, 2009

I have , in the past, had relationships with probably a dozen different MM.

Obviously my MO was terrible. I have since changed my life, my views, received my Karma, forgiven myself, and atoned.

An Affair with MM REQUIRES a vulnerable woman. At the time, I thought I was in control but hindsight has taught me that I was missing a lot within myself.

The DYNAMICS are what make an affair work, make it exciting, and romantic. The people hardly matter at all. It doesn't seem that way at the time because the A partners FEEL the feelings, which are real. But thats ALL thats real, and these feelings are only reinforced by POSITIVES. Whereas in real life, feelings are developed with a mix of both good and bad. The A , by its nature, keeps away all of the real faults and circumstance of life . Real Feelings built on Fantasy. By the way - every affair partner thinks the sex is unusually great, and it is. But it isn't because its between any particular partners, its because its Affair Sex.

Regarding wanting that kind of romance and excitement in your marriage.

To be honest, its almost not realistic. First love doesn't last when life interferes. The honeymoon stage of dating or marriage comes to an end in some respects. But thats OK because it is replaced by intimacy, deep love, and respect. One is not a substitute for the other.

Knowing these things, when my H cheated on me, I just couldn't muster up anger enough to feel it was the OW that threatened my marriage. To me - she could have been anyone. And what my H got from the affair? Certainly, from my experience, I KNOW what he got. But there comes a time you have to pick - real life or fantasy. Its not a hard decision, you have to make them see that the decision must be made.

May 28, 2009

I might get hammered, but here goes:

In therapy, my WS has offered that his OW wanted what I had: A loving husband, (I know, I know, somewhat laughable in light of the betrayal)successful children, stable family life, good friends, respect and admiration from our community, greater financial resources.

On many levels, he now asserts, she was jealous of me, mostly, of course, because I had him, but in other areas of my life, she had a curiousity about me.

This, too was her dream until her xWH married his last affair partner, and her bitterness towards him is still great, to the point of my husband telling her, "You MUST still care about him. It is almost all you talk about."

So guess what? Whether for reasons of ego, which I am discussing in therapy, I want what SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

It may be my mid-life crisis, it may be my jealousy, not only of the OW, but of the planning and time he devoted to give her wonderful romantic moments; of having that time and attention and affection and appreciation which he lasered in her direction, lasered in mine.

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

BSs who did not reconcile: Does it still make you bitter to think of how romantically well the AP was treated in comparison to you, the spouse?

OM/OW, do you secretly harbor a jealousy for the BS, not only because your AP returns home to them, but because you wish you could have what they have? A stable, loving, family life only with tthe AP in the role?

I have told him repeatedly, I am no longer interested in being the wife: someone who pays the bills, schleps the groceries, cleans the house, works the job, raises kids, because where did that get me? Betrayed by him to a "damsel in distress."

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his! Immature, unrealistic, insecure on my part? Maybe, but that is how I feel now.

Spark

As a BS who is recovering a marriage, I always read your threads with interest. Thank you soooo much for your honesty.

I get what you are saying.... at least I think I do.

With my H, before we married, our relationship was a mating dance. He did everything he could think of to let me know he was completely into me....romantic dinners, trips, love letters, poetry, whispered lots of sweet nothings, surprises, gifts, picnics, passion.

Then we got married. In the honeymoon phase the mating dance got even more intense. Then we had a child and we were both over the moon.

As time passed our relationship and our love evolved. We were now a married couple with a child and much of the romantice stuff fell by the wayside. I missed the romance but I though it was normal, after all we were changing, our situation was changing so one could expect that the way we expressed love would change too right? I never thought he didn't love me... I just started to see love in all the things he did to make our family go.

Then Dday

I saw evidence of that romantic man I fell in love with, but he was expressing that side of himself to someone else. His time, attention, and passion was being directed away from me and toward someone else. I was and still am (sometimes) jealous of that.

I get what you are saying about wanting to be the girlfriend. I feel that I deserve all the energy, attention, passion, and love my husband is capable of. You deserve the same from your H Spark.

I think that sometimes we take on the title of wife and we forget that we are first and foremost women with needs, ambitions, and passions of our own.

I have learned that I need to put myself on my priority list and pretty damn close to the top too. That might mean buying myself clothes that remind me that I am a hot woman. That might mean taking up yoga again. That might mean purchasing my favorite red wine to drink while taking a bubble bath. That might mean allocating time for fun with my friends and a million other changes I made in my life.

I have learned to bring the energy, passion, attention and romance to my own life that I had wanted my husband to give me. As a result....I am getting that attention and romance from my H.

I don't know... maybe me giving those things to myself let him know that I KNEW I deserved it.

(My apologies if this or something very similar posts twice. Think I lost the post and had to retype)

May 28, 2009

Spark,

I think that's a very interesting question. I would say that I had all of those things with my H pre D-day, even for sometime post D-day. It was a year later atleast that those things dwindled slowly to the relationship we have now. I miss it, I must say, but its hard to want it back or to ever trust that even if it came back that it wouldn't be accompanied by same betrayal.

I remember about a year after d-day when I had filed for divorce, that an aquaintance of ours heard of the pending divorce and came to me in tears. He was a single man who we saw once a week for a hobby we had. He said, I just can't believe this... all I can think about is how I want to meet someone and be just like you two. You are like teenagers who snuck out of the house to be together. I left in tears... yeah, that's what I thought too!

We no longer have that "spark", and like I said, while I miss it, it wasn't real apparently... maybe... my situation is a little different though.

Phoenix...

I have learned to bring the energy, passion, attention and romance to my own life that I had wanted my husband to give me.

I like this! I think it may be hard to get there in trying times, but you're absolutely right about this.

May 28, 2009

To me - she could have been anyone. And what my H got from the affair? Certainly, from my experience, I KNOW what he got. But there comes a time you have to pick - real life or fantasy. Its not a hard decision, you have to make them see that the decision must be made.

2sure, nice post. I am not kidding when I said the same thing to my wife...It could have been anyone ! It is slowly sinking in for her now.

Spark...Just want to add something....I dont know if you really want what OW had with your husband. Or rather, I dont think that is possible. What they had was dating/illicit sex/romance and NOT marital sex/romance. They are different. Marital sex/romance is part of marital life while dating/affair sex/romance does not include that. After sex/romance you both go back to your respective lives. Not mow lawn or wash dishes or buy groceries or scream at your kids. And ofcourse you rinse and repeat. Throw in the "uncertainities", the "breakups", the "reunions", it can practically go on and on at the same level of excitement that you wouldn't see in a marital life.

If you really want that life, you have to stoop to the level of OW. You think you can do that ? Or divorce your husband and then start dating. But even then there is NO guarantee that you will see the same passion/excitement that you would expect to see if an affair life. You see, in an affair, you are toggling back and forth between two partners and to me, that always adds "excitement" to life. While in a normal dating there is always that extra pressure that you are actually looking for someone.

May 28, 2009

'.................... SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.'

Sorry I did not get all of these, wish I had, sexual excitement maybe yes, a few stolen hours, a few secret chats, maybe cos i am married too but, I do feel envious of the W, because she gets to sleep with him all night and I don't. Can't say I am jealous about her because that is not my right but envious yes. I love him and he cannot give me what I want, unless he leaves. Surprise trips = I wish, fabulous dates, no, stolen moments that could unexpectedly end or be cut short or even not happen. I never get to relax with him like the W does, so maybe that is where the excitement comes in. But would I be her, no. I doubt if she would want to be me either.

May 28, 2009

Yes. Yes. Yes. I want the kind of love he offered OW. i don't think we ever really had it. he was not nearly as emotionally open with her as with me. he was far more romantic with her than he ever was with me.

unfortunately, I don't have a clear sense of why he feels he could offer it to her and not me. she was shiny and new, sure. she's more sexually assertive than me, that's true. but i still don't have a clear sense of what i'm lacking that he saw in her.

i know some will say that i shouldn't think of it that way -- as something missing in me -- but how can i help it.

this is kinda crazy, i know, but the other night when we were making love, i thought i felt him pulling away from me emotionally and i looked into his eyes and said to myself "be her -- pretend you are her" and I swear i saw something flash in his eyes and he had the most intense freaking orgasm i've ever seen him have.

i don't know what the hell to do with that one.

LOL - laughing at myself. how's THAT for a first post?

May 28, 2009

I might get hammered, but here goes:

In therapy, my WS has offered that his OW wanted what I had: A loving husband, (I know, I know, somewhat laughable in light of the betrayal)successful children, stable family life, good friends, respect and admiration from our community, greater financial resources.

On many levels, he now asserts, she was jealous of me, mostly, of course, because I had him, but in other areas of my life, she had a curiousity about me.

This, too was her dream until her xWH married his last affair partner, and her bitterness towards him is still great, to the point of my husband telling her, "You MUST still care about him. It is almost all you talk about."

So guess what? Whether for reasons of ego, which I am discussing in therapy, I want what SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

It may be my mid-life crisis, it may be my jealousy, not only of the OW, but of the planning and time he devoted to give her wonderful romantic moments; of having that time and attention and affection and appreciation which he lasered in her direction, lasered in mine.

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

BSs who did not reconcile: Does it still make you bitter to think of how romantically well the AP was treated in comparison to you, the spouse?

OM/OW, do you secretly harbor a jealousy for the BS, not only because your AP returns home to them, but because you wish you could have what they have? A stable, loving, family life only with tthe AP in the role?

I have told him repeatedly, I am no longer interested in being the wife: someone who pays the bills, schleps the groceries, cleans the house, works the job, raises kids, because where did that get me? Betrayed by him to a "damsel in distress."

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his! Immature, unrealistic, insecure on my part? Maybe, but that is how I feel now.

Spark, TBH I didn't want the BW's role, I always preferred the role I had - exactly what you describe: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

I did not want the schlep, the drudgery, the emotional laundry; and I had my own successful children, stable family life, good friends, respect and admiration from our community, financial resources.

I can so understand you wanting what must seem like the better deal - honestly, who would trade summer in the tropics for smelly socks and dirty cups?

But, as the R deepened, and we spent more and more time together, I found that the dirty dishes came with the trips abroad; that the sexual excitement didn't preclude paying bills and unblocking drains; that romantic conversations sometimes had to wait until the kids were fetched and fed and the kitchen floor scrubbed (well, sometimes. Nothing beats scrubbing the kitchen floor in sexy lingerie to sort priorities out!)

It doesn't HAVE to be one or the other. You can have both. And, if you feel you deserve it, then, dammit, demand both! He's chosen YOU, after all - let him put his money where his mouth is!

May 28, 2009

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

{...}

I have told him repeatedly, I am no longer interested in being the wife: someone who pays the bills, schleps the groceries, cleans the house, works the job, raises kids, because where did that get me? Betrayed by him to a "damsel in distress."

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his! Immature, unrealistic, insecure on my part? Maybe, but that is how I feel now.

Oh, Spark! I have been here. After he made a decision to stay and I made a decision not to leave too, I told him I didn't want to be his W anymore. I wanted to be his girlfriend. And I was for a little bit until I got tired of it. What they had was infatuation without any responsibilities. It was unrealistic for us to try to have it like that with our small children and no real help with them.

Please don't take this next part as a bash or criticism, because it isn't. But I think this is the feeling that the betrayed that becomes an OP feels. Its probably what she (the OW) was feeling considering her H left her for another woman. She wanted to feel desired again. You want to feel desired again. She wanted to be chosen and not rejected like she was by her H. She felt that while in the A.

When I realized that I was a prime candidate for my own A, I told my H the what and whys of my feelings. He totally understood. I won't say that he gave me permission to have a boyfriend (my own A), but he promised that I would never feel that way again because of his actions. I can't say with 100% certainty that I am not a candidate for an affair either, but if I had one, it would be for the feelings - nothing else.

The fact that you want this from your H, is a GOOD thing. Its a GREAT thing. Because some betrayed spouses awaken from the shock and awe of the A, and don't want their spouses anymore and figure someone else can give them those feelings (still makes them prime candidates to be an OP, just a single one, lol).

These feelings are natural and normal - even without an affair being discovered or going on.

Sorry I rambled.

May 28, 2009

Spark I think this is a very honest thread that looks very clearly at how some WSs compartmentalize. Well said.

He didnt come home to her every night, he often came home to me. So I cant say I envied her that.

I was incredulous that she would want to allow him the kind of freedom that she did. That she didnt want this man home every night.

I was jealous of the fact that she has the power to keep him tethered to a marriage where she didnt really want HIM she just wanted what he stood for (father of her children, status trappings etc).

I was envious of their history. She is the mother of his children. They have years of memories, shared experiences raising children together, family events, friends, trips, etc etc.

He is from a different country and social background with its own code which she shares. He is also just slightly enough older (and again the different country) so that their cultural references are shared and mine are not.

Im not sure that matters if you dont communicate, but she would remember xyz TV show or song or whatever that may mean nothing to me. I wonder if as you get older, do those shared references mean more. Is it nice to be able to recollect with someone who was there with you when... (like we would remember where we were when Kennedy or Martin Luther King died).

And he and I are old enough that we wouldnt have shared those things together.

I always worried that if he left, he would miss the shared references. We would have built our own but the really important ones, like raising children, are the things you share with your spouse.

Im actually curious whether that matters to people who are currently unhappy in their marriages. Or if they would trade that in a heartbeat for current happiness, as you cant live in the past.

May 29, 2009

Spark.

I feel for you...I do. And I want you to consider something.

Change MCs.

I do not agree in any way shape or form discussing the OW in YOUR therapy sessions with your H. No wonder you can't let go...she's STILL there! You are STILL trying to win.

I simply think you should be farther in MC...past competing with the OW.

Give it a thought...another MC's viewpoint may help...

May 29, 2009

Yes. Yes. Yes. I want the kind of love he offered OW. i don't think we ever really had it. he was not nearly as emotionally open with her as with me. he was far more romantic with her than he ever was with me.
unfortunately, I don't have a clear sense of why he feels he could offer it to her and not me. she was shiny and new, sure. she's more sexually assertive than me, that's true. but i still don't have a clear sense of what i'm lacking that he saw in her.

i know some will say that i shouldn't think of it that way -- as something missing in me -- but how can i help it.

this is kinda crazy, i know, but the other night when we were making love, i thought i felt him pulling away from me emotionally and i looked into his eyes and said to myself "be her -- pretend you are her" and I swear i saw something flash in his eyes and he had the most intense freaking orgasm i've ever seen him have.

i don't know what the hell to do with that one.

LOL - laughing at myself. how's THAT for a first post?

That is freaky, why would you want him to think you were her when you were making love. And you say he had the most intense orgasm because of it

May 29, 2009

delirious, Idon't really have an explanation for it. I know he wants to feel connected to me, but I do not know how to make that happen -- especially when I suspect he is pulling back.

It was kind of a moment of panic, I suppose.

I hope it wasn't that which caused his intense orgasm. What I actually hope is that when I started "pretending to be her" I stopped worrying about my own adequacy and stopped feeling so insecure. The OW is a very confident woman -- maybe I managed to plug into that feeling?

That's what I hope, at least.

May 29, 2009

On many levels, he now asserts, she was jealous of me, mostly, of course, because I had him, but in other areas of my life, she had a curiousity about me.

{snip}

So guess what? Whether for reasons of ego, which I am discussing in therapy, I want what SHE HAD with him: Sexual excitement, fabulous dates, surprise trips, unexpected and thoughtful gifts, romantic conversations.

Three questions: BSs reconciling, do you want the type of love your WSs showed their OM/OW? Is it undue pressure to ask for it and at times demand it?

{snip}

I want to be the girlfriend now....and hopefully, his! Immature, unrealistic, insecure on my part? Maybe, but that is how I feel now.

hhmmmm - former BS here - I'm actually far more greedy than you, as I want (and am) both wife and girlfriend. I want the comfortable day to day quiet times that we have, the everyday calm and love that come from knowing each other well and understanding each others foibles.

In addition, I also want to be surprised by unexpected showers of attention and romantic presents/getaways.

That, said, my husband ALSO wants to be surprised by unexpected showers of attention and sexy surprises. He needs not only a wife, but a sexy and adventurous girlfriend, just as I need both a husband and a romantic boyfriend.

Just saying that it can't be a one-way street, or pretty soon it won't be a street at all.....

May 29, 2009

I hope it wasn't that which caused his intense orgasm. What I actually hope is that when I started "pretending to be her" I stopped worrying about my own adequacy and stopped feeling so insecure. The OW is a very confident woman -- maybe I managed to plug into that feeling? .

Question... did you TELL him "pretend that I'm her" or did you silently tell YOURSELF (and only yourself) "pretend that I'm her"?

May 29, 2009

It doesn't HAVE to be one or the other. You can have both.

EXACTLY!! It not only doesn't HAVE to be one or the other, IMO is SHOULDN'T be one or the other. We all need real life, but we don't need to spend every second there. Fantasy is wonderful and important at all different levels. When we lose the ability to include fantasy in our life is when we all begin to have problems. JMO

May 29, 2009

hhmmmm - former BS here - I'm actually far more greedy than you, as I want (and am) both wife and girlfriend. I want the comfortable day to day quiet times that we have, the everyday calm and love that come from knowing each other well and understanding each others foibles.

In addition, I also want to be surprised by unexpected showers of attention and romantic presents/getaways.

That, said, my husband ALSO wants to be surprised by unexpected showers of attention and sexy surprises. He needs not only a wife, but a sexy and adventurous girlfriend, just as I need both a husband and a romantic boyfriend.

Just saying that it can't be a one-way street, or pretty soon it won't be a street at all.....

ITA!!! In our "negotiations" he also told me of the way he wanted to feel.

We made the changes. And are both better people and better partners because of it.

May 29, 2009

Question... did you TELL him "pretend that I'm her" or did you silently tell YOURSELF (and only yourself) "pretend that I'm her"?

just myself, in my head. If I had said it out loud I think (hope) he would have been too disturbed to continue...

doesn't really make it any less crazy on my part though, does it?

May 30, 2009

I am amazed by the female response! All women seem to pine for romance, yes?

Silktricks, we are both working to make it exciting, fun, and romantic!

2sure, are you saying that the partner is less important than the feelings they provide? Did you ever think you fell in love with them to only realize it was the affair that provided the juice, not the person? That is a very interesting concept and it is the first time I am reading that here. Please expound on this.

65, jwi, I an not competing with her, just want the same treatment he provided her. I, too, as a BS am working harder and more creatively to bring the spice back. Obviously, there is a huge romantic componenet to an affair that was missing from our relationship. What getures do you make towards your wives? After reading what women have posted here, you must realize how important romance is to us.

May 30, 2009

You can have all of that...just not with your cheating d!cksmoke of a husband.

there are men out there that won't treat you like him and guess what....you'll have that sexual excitement.

but only if you divorce. sounds like you are wanting to keep the marriage however.

I wonder what your husband would think if he found out you went out and had some sexual excitement with another man after finding out he was screwing another woman?

Well, I'll never be a reconciling BS. However I think I can answer this with this question...why would you want what your H gave to the other woman? You'd be laying there thinking, "so this is what he did to her".

Not at all. cuz one, I have had much better than her since being divorced, and 2, must not be all that great....he has physically abused her since I left her. So my guess is the romance now is completely dead:o

Dexter, one of the things we deal with now is "projection." Because the WS, unfortunately, realizes how easy it is to deceive someone who loves you, my husband is very jealous and insecure regarding other men who pay me attention, who I work with, etc.

He truly lives in fear that I will seek revenge or find a better man. It is his karma to experience that now. What can I say?

May 30, 2009

Spark

As a BS who is recovering a marriage, I always read your threads with interest. Thank you soooo much for your honesty.

I get what you are saying.... at least I think I do.

With my H, before we married, our relationship was a mating dance. He did everything he could think of to let me know he was completely into me....romantic dinners, trips, love letters, poetry, whispered lots of sweet nothings, surprises, gifts, picnics, passion.

Then we got married. In the honeymoon phase the mating dance got even more intense. Then we had a child and we were both over the moon.

As time passed our relationship and our love evolved. We were now a married couple with a child and much of the romantice stuff fell by the wayside. I missed the romance but I though it was normal, after all we were changing, our situation was changing so one could expect that the way we expressed love would change too right? I never thought he didn't love me... I just started to see love in all the things he did to make our family go.

Then Dday

I saw evidence of that romantic man I fell in love with, but he was expressing that side of himself to someone else. His time, attention, and passion was being directed away from me and toward someone else. I was and still am (sometimes) jealous of that.

I get what you are saying about wanting to be the girlfriend. I feel that I deserve all the energy, attention, passion, and love my husband is capable of. You deserve the same from your H Spark.

I think that sometimes we take on the title of wife and we forget that we are first and foremost women with needs, ambitions, and passions of our own.

I have learned that I need to put myself on my priority list and pretty damn close to the top too. That might mean buying myself clothes that remind me that I am a hot woman. That might mean taking up yoga again. That might mean purchasing my favorite red wine to drink while taking a bubble bath. That might mean allocating time for fun with my friends and a million other changes I made in my life.

I have learned to bring the energy, passion, attention and romance to my own life that I had wanted my husband to give me. As a result....I am getting that attention and romance from my H.

I don't know... maybe me giving those things to myself let him know that I KNEW I deserved it.

(My apologies if this or something very similar posts twice. Think I lost the post and had to retype)

Phoenix, you are describing my life and transformation!

I often wonder if many men subconciously choose to marry women who they think will make great life partners; good wives, great mothers, keepers of the hearth and home, but them begin to miss all that undivided attention and flattery a mistress provides them.

The ultimate irony is, with more time, attention, and affection towards the wife, they could also have in HER the mistress they seek elsewhere.

I remember being exhausted from my wifey role, but always wistfully wishing he paid more attention to me THE WOMAN, she was still in there.

When DDAy struck, the most painful discovery for me was all the time he devoted to her to create this passionate emotional connection with someone else. It is what I had wanted for years.

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In many ways, I want what the OW had with my spouse

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