Cherished Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 No, he doesn't have to leave you to go looking, he can leave you after he finds her. Sorry but that's the reality. It doesn't sound like he's madly in love with you and you are just holding on for dear life.
Author Amy35 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 No, he doesn't have to leave you to go looking, he can leave you after he finds her. Sorry but that's the reality. It doesn't sound like he's madly in love with you and you are just holding on for dear life. You are right there....he doesn't. As for the rest....I would go with "It is what it is" Thanks for responding....
Cherished Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 OK but it is really sad that you are willing to settle for a guy who really isn't that into you.
boogieboy Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I think you are being waay too selfish. There will be waaay too many kids running around your house, and I wouldnt want to deal with the fallout of all those kids either. Im sure he hasnt gotten used to the idea of having a damn Brady house. You dont want HIM to be happy, you want YOU to be happy because you want him there all the time. It's only been a year, and youre putting waay too much pressure on him too fast, worse than that youre driving him away like a nag. Neither of you are having any more kids, and youre not getting married, so theres no hurry. Its just you being too overbearing. Enjoy the time you have together, and dont stress him out. Let him move in when HES ready. In fact, you shouldnt move in together now anyway, the distance is a good thing, and you should get used to it. Especially until he knows for sure that all these clones of both of yours will get along. You'd rather be single and with no one else than be with him living in separate places? That makes no sense whatsoever. If you think hes holding off for a younger gal, you better ask him straight up, otherwise, you might be driving away a perfectly good guy. You'll beat yourself up for it when you lose him, better be careful. This is stupid as hell.
boogieboy Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 OK but it is really sad that you are willing to settle for a guy who really isn't that into you. She has to settle, shes a woman with kids, shes used goods. Theres too many factors here for it to be all about her. Unless shes seriously gorgeous, Single guys with no kids wont want this to commit to. Thats just the way it is. Its already too complicated for men with kids to be compatible with her, she might as well make this work out instead of ruining a perfectly well running relationship for her selfish demands. He probably WAS really into her before she ruined it by dumping this on him.
Author Amy35 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 OK but it is really sad that you are willing to settle for a guy who really isn't that into you. Who says I am settling? and also I am not holding for for dear life....that you can be sure of. I haven't had any sort of "moving in" conversation and don't intend to either, not for a long time.
Author Amy35 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 I think you are being waay too selfish. Not selfish....realistic. I wanted to know the score...and now I do. There will be waaay too many kids running around your house, and I wouldnt want to deal with the fallout of all those kids either. Im sure he hasnt gotten used to the idea of having a damn Brady house. There would....I have four he has two...that said...Not all of the children would be living together in the same house...only on certain weekends. What is fallout? I don't understand this term. I would hazard a guess he has a pretty fair idea what it entails raising four kids...he is here most of the time anyway. With that said....he is becoming involved with the children more. It takes time to build friendships with other peoples children (And notice I said friendships...I require nothing more that him to respect and be friends with my kids..they don't need another father....they have one already..and I am not looking for one either.) You dont want HIM to be happy, you want YOU to be happy because you want him there all the time. You make that claim as if you know me. You don't. And if you did....you would know that is not what or who I am about. I going to disagree too.....I don't require him to be here ALL the time. I enjoy our time apart. I am extremely busy...something which in itself pointed me towards talking about moving in together....Work, study, Kids, house to run, social life, family.....it all adds in with time spare....and in trying to balance the needs of everyone and me and my relationship....hell it's getting tough. I am aware of the reasons why he doesn't want to move in RIGHT NOW. I understand and accept them because it makes sense. Til he sat down and really opened up and told me....I wasn't able to understand fully his reasons...I get it...I ain't stupid...and if you want to cast your eyes over my first thread here....then take a lok at his personal circumstances...and then try to understand that to not have your own space, your own place to call home, to not be able to afford to rent or buy something and have to have your own visitation in your paretns house and try to parent your own children in someone else's house....then you get an idea where he is at....as I do. Do I feel bad about making it an issue? Sure I do. Did I apologise? Yes I did. Do I understand that my nagging and bleating like a prat caused issues that really didn't need to be in my relationship with this guy? Yes I do. I didn't understand because he didn't explain it to me. When I finally took my head out of my arse and he opened up.....and I listened to what he was saying....I got it. I cannot make it clearer than that. It's only been a year, and youre putting waay too much pressure on him too fast, worse than that youre driving him away like a nag. Yes I know. I know what I did. Now I don't nag....as you put it. I listen. Neither of you are having any more kids, and youre not getting married, so theres no hurry. Again you are right....there is no hurry. Its just you being too overbearing. Maybe I was.....maybe I just plain miss the guy and sometimes late at night after a heavy day....all I want to do is snuggle with the man I love and share talking, hugging, kissing, just being together. I very much love waking up with him....as he tells me he does EVERYTIME he stays over and wakes in the morning. Enjoy the time you have together, and dont stress him out. Let him move in when HES ready. In fact, you shouldnt move in together now anyway, the distance is a good thing, and you should get used to it. Especially until he knows for sure that all these clones of both of yours will get along. Exactly why we take it slow. Mine as way more used to him than his of me....basically because he spends more time here with us and his live with their Mother in another town. He sees his EOW. I don't impinge on his time with them either. We do hang out....but only on his invitation...and I am not bothered if I don't see him all weekend...in fact it gives me a chance to hang out with my boys as I have busy weeks and weeknights. I do enjoy the time we have together....immensely so. We BOTH enjoy the time we spend together....and since my "episode" it has got better by a 1000%. And that's because there is no pressure. From both sides. You'd rather be single and with no one else than be with him living in separate places? That makes no sense whatsoever. I was in a bad place then. Totally upset and feeling very insecure. I was aware of the reasons he wanted to get his own place first....or what his long term plans were....I know now. Suffice to say that we BOTH have no plans to move in together for at least another two years. After that time my children are starting UNi and moving on...and he would have his place to gain an extra income from. Til the time we do move in together....we intend to make the most of being able to holiday together, share whole weekends alone together and just enjoy ourselves together. I get affirmed almost daily....in lots of ways...and I know and he knows that we aren't going anywhere or moving on with our lives without the other one present. If you think hes holding off for a younger gal, you better ask him straight up, otherwise, you might be driving away a perfectly good guy. You'll beat yourself up for it when you lose him, better be careful. This is stupid as hell. If I asked him that...what do you think he would say? I reckon he would say No way hun. Whetehr he has thought about it or not...I don't think he would say he is holding out for someone younger. I'm the only one he has introduced to his kids. We've taken our time building up the relationships between all of us. The slowly slowly aspect works for us. At times....I've become impatient....because I've just not know where he was heading. Now I know. So instead of fighting it...and trying to make him walk my path and wondering WTF we were having issues as I felt we were on different pages....I deicided to walk with him on his path...supporting him....respecting his wishes....and so far...it's working....I feel supported....I've got more support from him in the last two weeks with my plans and goings on in my life than ever before. Instead of confrontation and non-acceptance....I go with respecting the others freedom of choice and accepting who they are and what they want.
Author Amy35 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 She has to settle, shes a woman with kids, shes used goods. Complete and Utter B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. I have no idea what sex you are or how old you are but that view in my book is deluded. If I walked around with that attitude in my head....man I would be floored from the start. WTF would I want to date if I felt that way or even thought for a second there were people out there who thought this....and if they do...more fool them...because they get to miss out on wonderful, gorgeous, healthy, sane single parents. I tend to stay away from people who have such disregard for single woman with children....what about all the men out there divorced, with children? Does your comment reflect those people too? Oh and lastly....I don't do settling. I did that before. Why do you think I am divorced? Because I realised I was settling for someone who just happened to be my kids Dad. That in itself does not mean the he was the best or most suitable partner I could have. Far from it. I deserved far better than I got....and I made that choice to dump the bum. And yes....I went with the attitude then that I would rather be a poor single mother with nothing and yet have my freedom and happiness than live my life with someone who wasn't worth pissing on if he was on fire. Unless shes seriously gorgeous I am. I know it. And I get told every single day my BF is with me. Single guys with no kids wont want this to commit to. I was never looking for a single guy with no kids. My "list" of requirements suggested that I was looking for a a man who was already a father. A childless man was not on my adgenda due to the fact I have kids and would like someone to be aware of the dynamic and work it takes raising children. Its already too complicated for men with kids to be compatible with her, she might as well make this work out instead of ruining a perfectly well running relationship for her selfish demands. It's too complicated in your eyes. In fact....it's actually working out pretty well. Most of my children are teens. Two leave within the next two years...the third hits uni in 4 years. After that I am left with one....not so compicated then. Besides...I already have my own home. I can look to downsize in 4 years or not....whatever the case maybe at that time....ad right now...I spend no time thinking about it....as it is what it is. No demands from me. They may have come across that way. I was looking for clarity. The way in which I saught that clarity may not have been the best way....and I checked myself on that....and now I've made the changes necessary. Because I deem my relationship worth it. He probably WAS really into her before she ruined it by dumping this on him. He still is I know full well I could have ruined it. I was pretty close to having it all explode into oblivion. That said though....we did comfirm to each other at that time that even though we needed space....either of us was NOT going anywhere and that we were not breaking up. Since then....it's been wonderful. Talking more. Opening up more. More communcation. More phone calls. More time spent together, more time spent together with his kids, my kids, all the kids. It feels safer. He feel safe. I feel safe. We have had a couple of weekends together too....alone without any kids...as we normally do....and those weekends...Hell...they where awesome. We make plans for months in advance.... Who knows if we will move in, who knows if we will last forever, who knows if we will get married, who knows?. Some will think I am settling....to that I say.....some will, some won't, so what......Who cares? I'm just working on me....working at working hard, studying hard, raising my kids, running my home, being happy....and being a wonderful GF....after that....it's all immaterial.
Sam Spade Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 One simple truth.... He is NOT READY. Nothing you can say or do will change that and he is just giveing you projects to try and ease you wants and worries, but only time and his own desire to not be on his own will make him ready to move in with you. You can either wait for that or tell him that you need to find someone who moves at the same pase you do. Good Luck Yes, that is the crux of it. Even if he caves in to your pressure, things will explode eventually, because he'll harbor resentment. It's a hard situation since you do need to decide when to cut your losses, but one year seems way too soon to move in together, especially with complications like kids. Readiness for all this depends on stage in life, circumstances, etc. Age alone is not indicative, though of course the older you get, the more likely - on average - it is to have your ducks in order. I am currently 32, for the first time finally in a stable career, after a long schooling and long living together relationship. Currently dating a great girl (6 months), possibly seeing a future with her. But, even if things are goint great, there is simply no way that I'd propose before at least 2-3 more years down the road, and marry no earlier than 3 years from now, more likely later. Why? Well, quite simply I need a break, and want to establish solid financial and professional ground on my own, before jumping in the giant liability that is the marriage (and certainly wouldn't move in together prior to being at least engaged). So, if that's too slow for her, it would suck to lose her, but I'm not going to change this implicit timeline, because, yes, it is that important to me. I'm saying all this because of the responses you'll get that will say "he's just not that into you", "if he really loves you none of that would matter", and all that . That would be just a passive agressive way to not acknowledge his perspective. Also ask yourself why is living together so important to you? What does living together signify? It is just an external, and possibly misleading sign that the things are moving in the right direction. "We're living together, so I guess everything is going well" . Since you're talking about it, you should be able to figure it out . Good luck
Author Amy35 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Hi sam.... Yes, that is the crux of it. Even if he caves in to your pressure, things will explode eventually, because he'll harbor resentment. I hear what you are saying...and I'm not applying any pressure....at least not now...I was then by way of talking about it and getting upset when his answers didn't match what I wanted then....but since we have spoken more about what he wants against what I perceived to be what I wanted and needed....and I actively listen...things have been a whol elot better for BOTh of us since then!!! I don't want him to harbor any resentment...nor do I want to feel resentful....that's why I checked myself....becaus eit was in danger of exploding which was the LAST thing I wanted. It's a hard situation since you do need to decide when to cut your losses, but one year seems way too soon to move in together, especially with complications like kids. I agree....I was with my ex for 14 years before we got married....(Although I wouldn't recommend that to anyone either!!!) Readiness for all this depends on stage in life, circumstances, etc. Age alone is not indicative, though of course the older you get, the more likely - on average - it is to have your ducks in order. This is agree....and I don't have all my ducks in order yet either...and niether does he. I am currently 32, for the first time finally in a stable career, after a long schooling and long living together relationship. Currently dating a great girl (6 months), possibly seeing a future with her. But, even if things are goint great, there is simply no way that I'd propose before at least 2-3 more years down the road, and marry no earlier than 3 years from now, more likely later. Why? Well, quite simply I need a break, and want to establish solid financial and professional ground on my own, before jumping in the giant liability that is the marriage (and certainly wouldn't move in together prior to being at least engaged). I understand...and you seem to have it pretty much sussed out about how you see things proceeding...I wasn't getting that clarification from my BF as to what his timelines where or were not...after talking about them...I know know where he is at....and he knows I wanted to at leas be engaged before even considering moving in together....and when I explained my reasons behind that...he seemed to understand more where I was coming from. It's a protection thing...I got left with nothing after my divorce...and after working my butt off to take care of me and my kids...I don't want to be left high and dry again should I be in the position of sharing my life with someone. I would compromise....for sure....if he is the right guy...but there would need to be an agreement in place...kinda like a pre-nup if I could term it that way. He feels the same....we both come from broken relationships and we both ended up shafted beyond shafted. I agree with your "taking a break" and feeling solid....that sounds like a good idea. I'm 2 years out of a divorce and only when I feel insecure do I push for more....so it's learning to take it down to a level I feel secure within myself....thus everything else works well. I'm saying all this because of the responses you'll get that will say "he's just not that into you", "if he really loves you none of that would matter", and all that . That would be just a passive agressive way to not acknowledge his perspective. When I posted...I was in a real bad place. We had just had a talk and it went BBAADD. I was seeking advice and differing perspectives. That I got. Like I did the first thread I started about the same man. I didn't know then what I know now. He hadn't opened up as to why he felt it important to him that he go find his own place. I had no idea. So I come across as some selfish, needy woman when I am anything but. Once he talked about his reasons why...I was able to fully understand his timeline nd wants and needs. I then was able to open up to him about my wants and needs....and so far...touch wood....we have made great strides in our relationship. I listen more...affirm him regularly and am able to support him fully in his quest for his own place. That itself is no without trials and tribulations...and we can know talk about those...whereas before....he was not able to talk to me about them because he felt he was upsetting me by wanting to do something different to what he though I had planned. That wasn't the case....it was fear. I was fearful that if he got his own place some distance away....and I have my place....that we wouldn't be able to make time for each other due to work, kid, life commitments we already have. So we talked about that too.....how we could make it work...what we could do to ensure the relationship continued and we discussed how important it is to each of us. Instead of being adult and talking about it....I operated from the fear-based mentality which got me into this mess. Also ask yourself why is living together so important to you? At the time....I was worried with him moving away we wouldn't have time for each other. And I felt bad about that. With our schedules I worried it would be hard to hook up. That we got used to spending 4/5 days a week together and it would drop to EOW. When I spoke about that....he said NO Way! He talked about how he would see things working....what he had formulated in his head how it would work...see good old talking about stuffs helps!!! What does living together signify? It is just an external, and possibly misleading sign that the things are moving in the right direction. "We're living together, so I guess everything is going well" To me it signified the relationship would be moving forward. That we were committed to each other. I know that moving in together does not mean that at all. It's about changing my perspective on what commitment to me means. Commitment is also internal...and because I as worried...I was doing everything wrong to try to engage him into assuring me of his commitment to the "us". Like pushing, forcing and pursuing. One of the things he said to me before the "talk" was that with me he felt no pressure....he was able to live his life...me live mine...with no worries the other was going anywhere or leaving or upset. I liked and do like my space and he likes his....with that...that side of our relationship works for us. Also I want to add....I didn't feel supported....and in turn nor did he. So what I did was to look at why I felt that way...and what was it that I potentially was not giving in order for him to feel supported by me. I was not listening...I was acting from fear and insecurity. So now I go with supporting him because now I undertand him better....and in turn this has given him the ability to support me MORE because I supporting him....if that makes sense? Since you're talking about it, you should be able to figure it out . Good luck We are...thankfully we are....although I don't sweat it no more. It will happen if and when it happens....I don't talk about it....I don't instigate talks on it....and the one time he did bring it up...I said "Lets not talk about this now....lets do it when we are ready and it's an option" and he was happy with that and so was I!!! It's not an option right now...maybe in a year or two...who knows....for now what we have works for us. Thanks Sam....
amymarieca Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 Call me cynical, but if you are 36 and someone doesn't want to progress the relationship forward (living together, etc.) then this is a very bad sign. I dated a guy for almost 9 years and he made the same excuses that your boyfriend does, only it was about marriage. It was just "never a good time." You will learn that with people who do this, it will usually get worse and you will find yourself more frustrated. I'm sorry if I sound nasty, but I really do mean well. So many women find themselves in this predicament and it is unfortunate. I truly believe though, that if a guy is really that into you, you wouldn't even need to suggest living together. It's not that I think that you should rush things, but he should be just as excited about the idea as you are since it has been an adequate amount of time to start talking about that kind of stuff. If you want your relationships to head in the direction you prefer, then you probably won't find it with this guy.
Author Amy35 Posted June 13, 2009 Author Posted June 13, 2009 Hi Amy This is prolly going to make it easier......I'm not ready to live with someone yet either. I don't want to do it because it's some necessary time-line that after a year we should be moving in together....I was asking the question because I felt at the time fearful that when/if he moved things would end between us. After having a chat with him....I realize this isn't going to happen. We are in a relationship together and will continue to do so. Maybe in 1 or 2 years, or maybe even in 6 months it might come up again....but for now I am ok with "going with the flow" so to speak. Moving in together would be a big step....I'm not going to force him or force my kids into a situation that isn't right at the moment. And I ain't forcing the issue based on fears I have....that isn't IMO the right way to go about moving in together. I would rather it be a mutually decided decision. Who knows....maybe in 6 months he might want to make that leap and I might not be ready....or we could both be ready....who knows. When there is no pressure....he does make comments about living together....how cool it would be to wake up next to each other every day...he talks about forever....he talks about plans for the future....I'll let him lead from now on. Right now....I'm just going to concentrate on me and mine...and see where life takes us.... Thanks for the reply....
Sam Spade Posted June 13, 2009 Posted June 13, 2009 I truly believe though, that if a guy is really that into you, you wouldn't even need to suggest living together. This could just as easily be a bad sign as a good sign . For example, an insecure clingy guy would surely be all for "locking it down" in a speedier matter. A together, secure guy may be very much into a woman, but he may be postponing it for a whole lot of legitimate reasons, such as having concurrent goals and plans. Eeexcuse me for having an identity and priorities outside of a relationship with a woman . When two adults get together there are always conflicting interests and priorities. But to suggest that because a guy is not all gaga about moving in together *right now* he's just not into it, period, is silly .
Author Amy35 Posted June 14, 2009 Author Posted June 14, 2009 This could just as easily be a bad sign as a good sign . For example, an insecure clingy guy would surely be all for "locking it down" in a speedier matter. A together, secure guy may be very much into a woman, but he may be postponing it for a whole lot of legitimate reasons, such as having concurrent goals and plans. Eeexcuse me for having an identity and priorities outside of a relationship with a woman . When two adults get together there are always conflicting interests and priorities. But to suggest that because a guy is not all gaga about moving in together *right now* he's just not into it, period, is silly . Thanks Sam.... I agree that the more insecure fella may be wanting to lock down a woman early on. Another call today...another comment about "When we get a house together...." I just say "sure thing babe..." I try not to read anything into it....or pin him down at all....just go with the flow and not analyse anything. I had a cool weekend...got to chill with a girlfriend and watch a chickflick...drink wine.... Today just chilled out and got on with housework and the like....I remember when living with my ex....I could never get any housework done...he was either in the way or causing more mess!!! Now I can clean in my nightgown and not worry about looking like ****e when scrubbing the bath Pros and cons to living together....I'm focusing on the pro's of NOT living together There has to be hundred's of them......
michelebaby100 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 So sorry to hear about your relationship problem! I totally feel for you! It's like you know what the right thing is to do, but it's definitely the much harder thing to do! I think, from my outsider's perspective, that you should move on and concentrate on you. Let him know that although you still love him, you must move on with your life because he cannot give you want you want. That SUCKS to have to do, and I know it would break my own heart if I had to do it, BUT that's the best thing. The easy thing is to stay and hope that he will change (but like you said, that may be a few years!) Hope this helps!!!
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