Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Been with BF for a year...well a year next week. I have a previous thread....I can't remember how to find it. You all helped me then...and I had some wonderful replies. Same things really....but just a few months on. I want to take things to another level....would love to live together....it just ain't gonna happen. What goes on inside me is this intense sadness....I've either got to accept the situation I am in or walk away....because at present there is no compromise. He doesn't want to live together now...sees too many obstacles...is scared it will end....is scared I will leave....is scared if we do move in together I will hate him or he will hate me....scared my kids won't like him....he is scared he won't be able to live with my kids and will be irritated by them....doesn't see how he can fit in my home with all his stuff...the list goes on and on and on.... I love the time I spend with him....we have fun...have a laugh....make each other happy....we enjoy much the same things....encourage each other...support each other....love the other for who they are....not what they can be.... But just lately....I walk around either angry or resentful that this is all it's going to be...at least for a few years....I don't know if I can wait that long yanno? He tells me he loves me....never met anyone like me....wants to spend the rest our lives together....my counter is that if that IS the case....why wait to move in together....why not do it now and have the rest of our lives start NOW...not in 3 or 4 or 5 years??? I'm supposed to be studying....I can't concentrate....I walk around feeling like I made a mistake....like we both want different things right now....that he want's to go and achieve his goals of having his own place....and I would love the opportunity to start to build a life together. I don't want to hold him back or make him feel guilty about achieving what he wants....I want him to be happy....and I don't think that right now I am making him happy. He tells me I do....but I'm just so sad lately....I must bring him down. Moving in just ain't going to happen. At least not for years anyroad. I think now about ending it...about saying that I can't wait that long....and I would rather be happy and alone and single and achieve my goals anyway....and maybe one day we might meet back up when our goals and life plans match. I'm 36, he two years older. Me previously married....him never. It's all in the first thread. Do I cut my losses....build my life and concentrate on me for the time being or stick it out and see if he does want to build a life with me?
Midas Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I'm sorry you're so frustrated, Amy. I think I know that intense sadness you're talking about. He sounds like a commitment-phobe, and just doesn't want to settle down with you. His fears are unrealistic. How can you fix that? Wow. I wish I knew. *hugs* It might be time for an ultimatum, or, maybe wait it out a little longer. BTW, here's how you can access your other threads; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=57679&starteronly=1 Step-by-step: 1. click your name in the upper right where it shows you're logged in 2. click on statistics 3. click the link; Find all threads started by Amy35
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I'm sorry you're so frustrated, Amy. I think I know that intense sadness you're talking about. He sounds like a commitment-phobe, and just doesn't want to settle down with you. His fears are unrealistic. How can you fix that? Wow. I wish I knew. *hugs* It might be time for an ultimatum, or, maybe wait it out a little longer. BTW, here's how you can access your other threads; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=57679&starteronly=1 Step-by-step: 1. click your name in the upper right where it shows you're logged in 2. click on statistics 3. click the link; Find all threads started by Amy35 Thanks Midas....I just went and reread the first thread I wrote. Same things.....different month.... I found the "money shot" button....sex life just gets better and better. But the sadness.....that never seems to go anymore. His fears, to me anyway, do sound unrealistic....but I can understand how he would feel that way. I suppose living with someone else's children is hard. I've told him I'm not happy, I told him I don't think we are on the same page with life goals, I've told him I think it might be best to move on and go seek what it is we are both looking for......he gets upset.....goes quiet or tells me he never felt this way before....but sadly nothing changes. I get over it after a few days....but then it comes back....the sadness...the feeling that it isn't going to work out...the feeling that something huge is missing for me....it's awful.....I been here before....right before I ended my marriage The only line I am yet to come out with is "It's over...I'm done....I can't do this no more because it's too darn painful"
Lucky_One Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I know that neither of you are 20 anymore, but what is the big rush to live together? You have kids, you have only been dating a year, and why can't you just date like people used to do in the dark ages? There is no real reason to push him into living together after only a year. Stats show that couples who live together prior to marriage tend to divorce more often than other couples, so it would seem that there could be an unhealthy dynamic that is triggered by living together. Why can't you just date and be happy with what you have? What makes you feel that that living together would change your R in such a positive way? Another thought - I didn't look at your earlier thread and you didn't mention in this one the ages of your kids, but from your age of 36 it would seem that your kids are fairly young (6-14 maybe). Young kids are intensively hands-on, and he may not be ready for the fathering role that you may subconsciously pushing on him.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I know that neither of you are 20 anymore, but what is the big rush to live together? You have kids, you have only been dating a year, and why can't you just date like people used to do in the dark ages? There is no real reason to push him into living together after only a year. Stats show that couples who live together prior to marriage tend to divorce more often than other couples, so it would seem that there could be an unhealthy dynamic that is triggered by living together. He stays a lot already....is building up his inclusion into my family...my children accept him....I accept him....so what's wrong with wanting to live together? I don't expect him to move in tomorrow. What I would like is some common goal towards that happening. I would like to make plans for the "us". We already have goals for the self....but when I never get factored in to any of his plans....and I'm trying and actively factoring him into my life and my childrens life....I consider him plenty....I make him extremely welcome in my home and so do my children. There is no goal for the R....it's play it by ear or "lets just have some fun" You say "there could be an unhealthy dynamic if you live together" well how would we know unless we try? What's wrong with working on that goal....? What's wrong with taking a risk....giving it a go....seeing if it could work out? And I know about living together before marriage....I did just that with my ex....and it didn't work out. What you are suggesting IMO is that we should get engaged at least or married before we live together....cool.....in my mind I would LOVE that. But I am willing to compromise my values in order to live with the guy because I deem him worth it. Why can't you just date and be happy with what you have? What makes you feel that that living together would change your R in such a positive way? Because I've been dating for a year now and I would like to make it more permanent. I would like to take it up to the next level. I don't know if it will change my R in a positive way....who knows it could very well kill it. But you never know this unless you a least give it a go. He makes excuses....in my mind they are excuses....Fears even....and I know all about fears....I have some crazy wankerish fears that plagued my life. It just now don't try to operate form them instead look for the positive and the solution to any issue. I'd rather be proactive than lead my life dictated to by my fears and insecurities. Another thought - I didn't look at your earlier thread and you didn't mention in this one the ages of your kids, but from your age of 36 it would seem that your kids are fairly young (6-14 maybe). Young kids are intensively hands-on, and he may not be ready for the fathering role that you may subconsciously pushing on him. Ages 17 to 5. My children already have a Father....I'm not looking for them to have another or replace the one they do have. All he has to do is be their friend....nothing more. My children have a very hands on relationship with their Dad...and that will never change. My BF would be the bonus...not the all. This isn't about my kids needing a father....this is about me wanting to spend my life with this man at a more committed level than "dating" It's about wanting to share with him....share my life with him....and I don't feel personally that "dating" is a true commitment to one another.
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Well I think it's not so much a problem of that it's too soon after a year, it's that, it could be he feels the same in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. If having the relationship move forward is what the OP wants, then waiting 5 years for that to happen, only for that not to happen may feel like more wasted time. All his reasons for not moving in are totally valid, particularly when you've got children...however, valid as they may be, they are still only excuses as to why he won't move in. He sounds plain scared. Basically, OP you are in this situation: You want one thing, relationship to move forward in the form of living together as some sort of proof of commitment. He wants another thing, his freedom, while still having you there, but on his terms which is that you wait around for him to be ready or not as he decides. What you have to decide is whether you can be happy going on potenitally another 5 years dating but not living together. If you decided that this will make you miserable and feel as if you're not a priority in his life or whatever you must decide the better of 2 evils. Have him in your life to some degree, but feeling a niggling worry as to why he doesn't want to take things further, or break off the relationship now. You've done all the talking about this, in an adult manner, from the sounds of it and he's laid out his opinions quite clearly. All you can do now is to show him through actions that you are not prepared to hang around for him - ultimately I think the fear of him not moving in together, is not about moving in together, it's that lack of commitment from him that you desire, and from my own experience and reading many of the posts here, you'll find that if you agree to wait around for him, but being unhappy about it, it often ends up that the man just wasn't ready for commitment with you, and not that he wasn't ready for commitment per se - often they run off and move in with the next person who comes along or marries them. It's not always the case, but it is in a lot of cases. Could be if you say to him that you're going to cool it off a bit. That really at your age you are looking for someone willing to live with you, maybe one day marry you (if that's what you want) and since it's not something he's going to consider for a long time that you are going to start dating other men, that time's a wasting and that could be he wastes years of your life, when there might be a man out there who gives you everything he does, but also wants to move the relationship forward. Risky move though, you risk losing him...but then, if you lose him, in a way, you get to realise whether he cares for you enough or not.
Left in a Lurch Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Maybe put yourself in his position. What if he lived with his parents in a big house and asked you to move in with him? You'd have to change your life to adjust around his family, your tv, couch, favorite chair, decorations, all your stuff, you can't just bring it in and set it up how you would like. For him to move in with your family and all of your stuff is a huge life style change for him, but for you it's still your house and your things and the same kids you see every day so it is not that much of a change for you other than having him around more. Not suggesting this, but think about it if he asked you to move to a new house you guys get all new stuff for. Your life style would change and it would be a bigger change for you and I bet you would slow down a bit if he proposed that.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Maybe put yourself in his position. What if he lived with his parents in a big house and asked you to move in with him? You'd have to change your life to adjust around his family, your tv, couch, favorite chair, decorations, all your stuff, you can't just bring it in and set it up how you would like. For him to move in with your family and all of your stuff is a huge life style change for him, but for you it's still your house and your things and the same kids you see every day so it is not that much of a change for you other than having him around more. Not suggesting this, but think about it if he asked you to move to a new house you guys get all new stuff for. Your life style would change and it would be a bigger change for you and I bet you would slow down a bit if he proposed that. I suggested that bit in bold....he said no. I know how hard it would be for him to move in with us. I get it. I'm willing to move me and my kids to another house to give this a shot. I have discussed and suggested 10000 ways this could happen....he ain't having it. Any of it. I suggested we rent for a while to see if it works out for us and we do enjoy living together....I've suggested it all....he asks me to come up with ways it would work....how the money would work....I've done all that....then he just don't see it....he says he cannot visualize how it could work. He says come up with working solutions...I do...he says he wants his own place...I say so why say come up with plans? He says to see if it can work....like...WTF!!! How else can I show, tell or prove to someone I want to be with them and spend the rest of my life with him if he just flat out makes yet another excuse everytime I come up with a suggestion??? This is life....it is not a dress rehersal. And you only get one go. Maybe it's me....maybe I am not the one....but lately it's come down to this: "Either **** or get off the pot" I'm not angry....it's difficult with type to get the true emotion sometimes....I'm just trying to be realistic....and logical about this all.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Well I think it's not so much a problem of that it's too soon after a year, it's that, it could be he feels the same in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. If having the relationship move forward is what the OP wants, then waiting 5 years for that to happen, only for that not to happen may feel like more wasted time. All his reasons for not moving in are totally valid, particularly when you've got children...however, valid as they may be, they are still only excuses as to why he won't move in. He sounds plain scared. Basically, OP you are in this situation: You want one thing, relationship to move forward in the form of living together as some sort of proof of commitment. He wants another thing, his freedom, while still having you there, but on his terms which is that you wait around for him to be ready or not as he decides. What you have to decide is whether you can be happy going on potenitally another 5 years dating but not living together. If you decided that this will make you miserable and feel as if you're not a priority in his life or whatever you must decide the better of 2 evils. Have him in your life to some degree, but feeling a niggling worry as to why he doesn't want to take things further, or break off the relationship now. You've done all the talking about this, in an adult manner, from the sounds of it and he's laid out his opinions quite clearly. All you can do now is to show him through actions that you are not prepared to hang around for him - ultimately I think the fear of him not moving in together, is not about moving in together, it's that lack of commitment from him that you desire, and from my own experience and reading many of the posts here, you'll find that if you agree to wait around for him, but being unhappy about it, it often ends up that the man just wasn't ready for commitment with you, and not that he wasn't ready for commitment per se - often they run off and move in with the next person who comes along or marries them. It's not always the case, but it is in a lot of cases. Could be if you say to him that you're going to cool it off a bit. That really at your age you are looking for someone willing to live with you, maybe one day marry you (if that's what you want) and since it's not something he's going to consider for a long time that you are going to start dating other men, that time's a wasting and that could be he wastes years of your life, when there might be a man out there who gives you everything he does, but also wants to move the relationship forward. Risky move though, you risk losing him...but then, if you lose him, in a way, you get to realise whether he cares for you enough or not. I can understand him being scared....I already got one failed M behind me....liek I would really want another failed R....but if that's how it's got to be then I accept that....it hurts....but I just don't want to wait around. I know I would marry that guy tomorrow....I would move heaven and earth to live with him.... If he doesn't realise that I am the one....then maybe he should go find her....I love him...what more can I say....I just want him to be happy....but I deserve to be happy too....so rather than us both being unhappy....it would be best we both move on and find what we are ultimately looking for. Great post though....many thanks PB.
OverThinker Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 One simple truth.... He is NOT READY. Nothing you can say or do will change that and he is just giveing you projects to try and ease you wants and worries, but only time and his own desire to not be on his own will make him ready to move in with you. You can either wait for that or tell him that you need to find someone who moves at the same pase you do. Good Luck
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 This is the terrible thing about these situations, when you look at them from the outside it might be obvious what to do or not to do. But once you're in love with someone all those decisions become much harder to make. Very hard to walk away from someone who you're madly in love with just because they are not ready. It's always easier to break up with someone when they've been a complete bitch or a**hole instead. The non-committal thing is much harder because you basically do have them there...just not fully so you get totally confused.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 One simple truth.... He is NOT READY. Nothing you can say or do will change that and he is just giveing you projects to try and ease you wants and worries, but only time and his own desire to not be on his own will make him ready to move in with you. You can either wait for that or tell him that you need to find someone who moves at the same pase you do. Good Luck You have no idea how gutting that is. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single.
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 You have no idea how gutting that is. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather be single. Amy that is gutting, totally. Right now he knows you love him and will hang around him because of that even if he doesn't want to move in with you. He probably loves you too, but is unsure about further commitment. He will never 'be sure' while he has you there still as his girlfriend, still loving him nevertheless, because he's perfectly happy with the status quo as it is right now. The old cliche 'you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone' springs to mind. He may never be ready, but the only way to find out is to tell him you need a break, that this issue is important to you, you love him, but you need some time away from him to think and to date some other people on a casual basis. This way, you're not totally breaking it off with him, you're leaving the door slightly ajar for him to come back in. Not only are you are in fact allowing yourself time to think, but more importantly you are allowing him time away from you in order for him to realise how important you are to him. Without you there for a period of time, it could be he misses you dreadfully and thinks 'well, I'm going to lose her if I don't do something here. I could have had her and now she's drifting away, she's off dating other men. I now realise that I don't want anyone else to have her, I now realise she's the one for me and I want her in my life'. It doesn't have to be so black and white as that you are with him now, or you break up. It's him who needs to come to a decision about this, voluntarily giving him time away from you to realise exactly how he feels about you might do the trick and he may arrive on your doorstep one night saying he's ready, and best of all that decision will have come from him - but as I said before this is a risky move, it could go the other way too and you'd have to feel like you would be able to cope with your decision to do that should he not come back to you.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Amy that is gutting, totally. Right now he knows you love him and will hang around him because of that even if he doesn't want to move in with you. He probably loves you too, but is unsure about further commitment. He will never 'be sure' while he has you there still as his girlfriend, still loving him nevertheless, because he's perfectly happy with the status quo as it is right now. The old cliche 'you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone' springs to mind. He may never be ready, but the only way to find out is to tell him you need a break, that this issue is important to you, you love him, but you need some time away from him to think and to date some other people on a casual basis. This way, you're not totally breaking it off with him, you're leaving the door slightly ajar for him to come back in. Not only are you are in fact allowing yourself time to think, but more importantly you are allowing him time away from you in order for him to realise how important you are to him. Without you there for a period of time, it could be he misses you dreadfully and thinks 'well, I'm going to lose her if I don't do something here. I could have had her and now she's drifting away, she's off dating other men. I now realise that I don't want anyone else to have her, I now realise she's the one for me and I want her in my life'. It doesn't have to be so black and white as that you are with him now, or you break up. It's him who needs to come to a decision about this, voluntarily giving him time away from you to realise exactly how he feels about you might do the trick and he may arrive on your doorstep one night saying he's ready, and best of all that decision will have come from him - but as I said before this is a risky move, it could go the other way too and you'd have to feel like you would be able to cope with your decision to do that should he not come back to you. I just have no idea...I see what you are saying....trouble is as you pointed out before....when you love someone it's harder. At least with my marriage I knew I was done....but this...this is hard. I don't know what to do for the best. I do want it to be his choice....I wouldn't want him to be forced into anything that would make him unhappy....and I suppose what is happening right now is that I am doing just that. Forcing the issue maybe??? I just don't know....I know I go around feeling very upset....you guys have no idea how much I dig the guy....I've learned to love without fear....to take chance and brave it out...to be vulnerable...to show someone I really care for them...it just doesn't seem like he feels the same way. He would tell you different...that he does love me utterly....but I'm an option....the R isn't his priority right now. I just walk around feeling gutted.....
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I just have no idea...I see what you are saying....trouble is as you pointed out before....when you love someone it's harder. At least with my marriage I knew I was done....but this...this is hard. I don't know what to do for the best. I do want it to be his choice....I wouldn't want him to be forced into anything that would make him unhappy....and I suppose what is happening right now is that I am doing just that. Forcing the issue maybe??? I just don't know....I know I go around feeling very upset....you guys have no idea how much I dig the guy....I've learned to love without fear....to take chance and brave it out...to be vulnerable...to show someone I really care for them...it just doesn't seem like he feels the same way. He would tell you different...that he does love me utterly....but I'm an option....the R isn't his priority right now. I just walk around feeling gutted..... Ok then, the other option is to simply allow yourself a month 2 months (or more) off even thinking about this issue, as soon as it pops into your head banish it. Tell yourself that you're not allowed think about it until the end of July or something - therefore you're not just ignoring a problem, you're just ignoring it for now until your head is clearer. Don't bring up the subject with him any more, if he brings it up, just tell him 'yeah I don't want to talk about that right now, as I'm considering what to do, let's talk about it in a couple of months'. I doubt he will bring it up though. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're walking around feeling gutted, you're not in a happy place and the relationship is going to suffer simply because you're unhappy. Give yourself permission to simply forget about it (for now) and then just watch and wait. If you feel, due to other issues, not the moving in one, that a R is not his priority, it may come to pass that you genuinely feel 'oh sod this' at some point. Right now you're not at the 'oh sod this' point. You're not ready to make a decision about this relationship right now, so don't; wait until there are some more compelling signals from him either positive or negative before you stress yourself out even more over it. At this point in time (as I'm reading it) you're stressed over him not putting you and your relationship with him as a priority, but on top of that you're stressed over whether to leave him or not over this, but not wanting to leave him. So, bearing in mind all the opinions you've gotten here, give yourself some mental breathing space, mull things over, but put a time limit on it. It could all become a lot clearer for you some time down the line. I've been there myself where everyone tells me for example 'this guy is not treating you well, why are you doing so much for him' or whatever. I can see logically that maybe they are right, but I'm not feeling it emotionally and I can't make myself hate someone that I love, or think badly of them or leave someone I love. Until something shifts in the relationship between us, or that my feelings catch up with the reality of the situation you're kind of stuck in limbo. But once you're out of limbo those hard decisions are (a little) easier to make.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Ok then, the other option is to simply allow yourself a month 2 months (or more) off even thinking about this issue, as soon as it pops into your head banish it. Tell yourself that you're not allowed think about it until the end of July or something - therefore you're not just ignoring a problem, you're just ignoring it for now until your head is clearer. Don't bring up the subject with him any more, if he brings it up, just tell him 'yeah I don't want to talk about that right now, as I'm considering what to do, let's talk about it in a couple of months'. I doubt he will bring it up though. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're walking around feeling gutted, you're not in a happy place and the relationship is going to suffer simply because you're unhappy. Give yourself permission to simply forget about it (for now) and then just watch and wait. If you feel, due to other issues, not the moving in one, that a R is not his priority, it may come to pass that you genuinely feel 'oh sod this' at some point. Right now you're not at the 'oh sod this' point. You're not ready to make a decision about this relationship right now, so don't; wait until there are some more compelling signals from him either positive or negative before you stress yourself out even more over it. At this point in time (as I'm reading it) you're stressed over him not putting you and your relationship with him as a priority, but on top of that you're stressed over whether to leave him or not over this, but not wanting to leave him. So, bearing in mind all the opinions you've gotten here, give yourself some mental breathing space, mull things over, but put a time limit on it. It could all become a lot clearer for you some time down the line. I've been there myself where everyone tells me for example 'this guy is not treating you well, why are you doing so much for him' or whatever. I can see logically that maybe they are right, but I'm not feeling it emotionally and I can't make myself hate someone that I love, or think badly of them or leave someone I love. Until something shifts in the relationship between us, or that my feelings catch up with the reality of the situation you're kind of stuck in limbo. But once you're out of limbo those hard decisions are (a little) easier to make. You make sense PB...and thank you for today...you have been very helpful... Yep....you got it....friends and family saying I deserve better. My heart doesn't match my head though sadly.... I gave myself til the one year mark....funny....I knew I would end up taking more time....I just hope he comes round. Maybe he will maybe he won't. Who knows. He just needs to do what he has to do.....I don't begrudge him that at all...in fact I want him to do whatever makes him happy. It was easy with my ex....he had another woman....he refused to ditch her so job done....we got divorced....but I checked out way before then....and probably just goes to show that it takes effort on both parts to make a marriage work....hey ho...life goes on. I hope some day no matter what we will both be happy, be it together or not....but we both deserve that at least. Thanks PB.
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 You're welcome - and me too, as in hope you get happy, become happy soon. If it's any consolation I've just done the walking away thing, completely different situation as I'd fallen for my best male friend so there is not that sexual intimacy there, but everything else. It was the right thing to do, but it feels really, really, really rotten right now on a number of levels. I miss him like hell, my heart is broken, if I do bump into him, he looks at me at first with doleful eyes, or rather did, now it's with slight anger there (you're not talking to me any more you bitch). But...he had well over a year of hanging out with me, of flirting with me, but going off with other women, of saying he needed time to sort out his relationship issues and finally, telling me he needed me in his life, but then being confused about his ex blah blah. One particular incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, if that hadn't happened I'd probably still be clinging on in there, if I'm honest with myself. As I said, hard to walk away from someone you love. For me it just simply got to a point where I thought, I can't take more of this, I've been as accommodating and have bent backwards as far as I can, my back will snap if I bend over any further. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. Let us know what transpires, if anything.
Author Amy35 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 You're welcome - and me too, as in hope you get happy, become happy soon. If it's any consolation I've just done the walking away thing, completely different situation as I'd fallen for my best male friend so there is not that sexual intimacy there, but everything else. It was the right thing to do, but it feels really, really, really rotten right now on a number of levels. I miss him like hell, my heart is broken, if I do bump into him, he looks at me at first with doleful eyes, or rather did, now it's with slight anger there (you're not talking to me any more you bitch). But...he had well over a year of hanging out with me, of flirting with me, but going off with other women, of saying he needed time to sort out his relationship issues and finally, telling me he needed me in his life, but then being confused about his ex blah blah. One particular incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, if that hadn't happened I'd probably still be clinging on in there, if I'm honest with myself. As I said, hard to walk away from someone you love. For me it just simply got to a point where I thought, I can't take more of this, I've been as accommodating and have bent backwards as far as I can, my back will snap if I bend over any further. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. Let us know what transpires, if anything. ((((((PB))))) I'm sorry it ended that way for you....and who knows what will happen in the future....but I do so hope you find happiness. I just not long spoke to him....he is very down. I've given him cause to think....and me telling him if we are right to be together is causing him to ask himself questions about us and whether we are right together. We agreed that we are not ending things...that isn't what either of us wants....but he said I keep raising the same issue and he can't give me the answers I am looking for. Moving in right now is not an option. I did try to say that wasn't what I was looking for but to try to work towards that. I don't think he understand me in that respect. He thinks I don't understand about his goals and dreams....but I do. I do know why he wants to get his own place....I just have fears that he will move on. I told him I didn't want that to happen. He has his kids this weekend...so I said that it would be good for us as it means we get a break from each other...not a break break but space. Every time he has his kids I tend to stay away so he can concentrate on them....he doesn't get much time with them. He told me he does miss me....I said I wouldn't call either....and I don't expect him too....he said he would try....and I said it would be lovely to hear from him....but not to worry if he didn't. I don't know what to think anymore....I suppose I'm in the same boat as him. I inserted some TNT and have potentially blown this all apart. I'm going to do what you suggested...and just not go there anymore. Maybe one day he will want to make a life with me....maybe he won't....who knows. Only time will tell. I'll keep you updated....thanks again....
Left in a Lurch Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 "I suggested that bit in bold....he said no. I know how hard it would be for him to move in with us. I get it. I'm willing to move me and my kids to another house to give this a shot. I have discussed and suggested 10000 ways this could happen....he ain't having it. Any of it." This changes my opinion. He is not looking for a situation change and probably wouldn't be for a long time. If you stay with him, what you have now is probably all you'd ever get from him.
Author Amy35 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 So a quick update....while I am around Ok then, the other option is to simply allow yourself a month 2 months (or more) off even thinking about this issue, as soon as it pops into your head banish it. Tell yourself that you're not allowed think about it until the end of July or something - therefore you're not just ignoring a problem, you're just ignoring it for now until your head is clearer. Don't bring up the subject with him any more, if he brings it up, just tell him 'yeah I don't want to talk about that right now, as I'm considering what to do, let's talk about it in a couple of months'. I doubt he will bring it up though. I am not thinking about moving in at all...and am focusing on my own goals. Last weekend he did bring it up....and I said that I didn't really want to talk about it...but would be open to discussing it later on down the line. He did say that he knew I wouldn't move in with him unless we were married...and I did respond with that I would be open to compromise....because to be honest....I have been divorced...and getting married means if the marriage fails....you get divorced again....and I would rather stick needles in my eyes than go through that again. Since that "talk" things have been ok....but I got the feeling I did some real damage to us with my reactions and us subsequently saying it would be good to have a few days apart....he was busy with his kids and I was busy with mine....so was a good time for a break and it ended up being 5 days. Which for me was hard....but I concentrated on the kids, my study, hooking up with family and getting out the house. I did tell him I understood why he wanted to get his own place....I do get it now....but still....I think my actions and reactions recently haven't had a good affect on the realtionship. I'm currently going with active listening right now...as you should at all times LOL... He seems distant sometimes....but he himself is now focusing on studying new things for work and getting his website up and running....which had stalled recently. I think what I am trying to say is that it doesn't work focusing on what it this percieved finish line or destination....the journey is the best bit and should be treasured and enjoyed.
Author Amy35 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 "I suggested that bit in bold....he said no. I know how hard it would be for him to move in with us. I get it. I'm willing to move me and my kids to another house to give this a shot. I have discussed and suggested 10000 ways this could happen....he ain't having it. Any of it." This changes my opinion. He is not looking for a situation change and probably wouldn't be for a long time. If you stay with him, what you have now is probably all you'd ever get from him. It's not about that...it's about self respect and having his own place in order to function as a normal adult...which at present he doesn't have the ability to do seeing as he lives with his parents. Think about how you would feel having to do visitation every other weekend with your kids in your parents house. Having to parent you own kids with your parents around isn't a good situation to be in....and he wants to get out as soon as he can. To have the freedom to do what he wants when he wants with his own children in his own place is what BF is focused on right now. He said I am a given...I am in his life and we agreed we did not want to break up....that he recognises I support him and wants the forever for us....there just are other things he wants to achieve before he gets to that point.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 But the sadness.....that never seems to go anymore. His fears, to me anyway, do sound unrealistic....but I can understand how he would feel that way. I suppose living with someone else's children is hard. I've told him I'm not happy, I told him I don't think we are on the same page with life goals, I've told him I think it might be best to move on and go seek what it is we are both looking for......he gets upset.....goes quiet or tells me he never felt this way before....but sadly nothing changes. I get over it after a few days....but then it comes back....the sadness...the feeling that it isn't going to work out...the feeling that something huge is missing for me....it's awful.....I been here before....right before I ended my marriage The only line I am yet to come out with is "It's over...I'm done....I can't do this no more because it's too darn painful" From a guys point of view... I would not move in because you seem unstable.
Cherished Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 It is wrong to have a man you are not married to move in when you have children. Period. If he isn't planning on getting engaged and marrying you, then continue dating as you are or break up. I have the deep, dark feeling that he is looking for a younger woman to start fresh with (start his own family with) and you are there to pass the time until he finds her. He might like you, possibly even love you, but not enough to be with you for real since he is waiting to sweep the never married, no kids woman to start a life with. He wants the woman like him, starting fresh. He possibly even wants a younger woman. Time to face reality about his "commitment" fears because when he finds the woman without the "instant family" he will have no problem getting her the ring and setting the date with her. I'm sorry but at this point, after a year, if you are not talking marriage...he is not in.
Author Amy35 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 From a guys point of view... I would not move in because you seem unstable. I can see how you would think that...but I would like to know why you think that.
Author Amy35 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 It is wrong to have a man you are not married to move in when you have children. Period. Hmmm...ok....I hear what you are saying...and I'm assuming that having kids already and being in a relationship means maybe that they have already lived through a relationship breakdown at some point. Would you be thinking predominantly about the children and the message it sends to them living with another man who isn't their Father? I have the deep, dark feeling that he is looking for a younger woman to start fresh with (start his own family with) and you are there to pass the time until he finds her. He might like you, possibly even love you, but not enough to be with you for real since he is waiting to sweep the never married, no kids woman to start a life with. He wants the woman like him, starting fresh. He possibly even wants a younger woman. Time to face reality about his "commitment" fears because when he finds the woman without the "instant family" he will have no problem getting her the ring and setting the date with her. I'm sorry but at this point, after a year, if you are not talking marriage...he is not in. I appreciate the input....I can see where you are coming from....and if that is the case....then he is free to go find her....I wouldn't stand in his way...but I wouldn't bring this up with him...Hell No!!!! Anyway...he would have to leave me if he wanted to go and find whatever it is he is looking for....my thoughts are I can enjoy life and go do what I want to do....with or without him....at the moment....he is immaterial. I know that I do get impatient sometimes....that's why for me not thinking about this for a while works for me. I concentrating on myself and my kids....that is all I can do. I can't control him...I can't force him to want to marry me....pretty much everything beyond me and myself is uncontrollable. There are things I want to do before I settle down and get married. Been there done that & worn the tshirt. My conversation was based on wondering whether we were on the same page....at this time we have different goals. My goal now is to focus on me as far too much of my focus was on him and what he was or wasn't doing.
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