lilrascall Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 So my boyfriend and I have been together for several months now and things are fairly serious. We've had a few issues in our past but things are very good now. Yesterday I borrowed his computer and discovered that he visits a porn site on at least a "semi-regular" basis. I kinda freaked out! I previously had found naked picture messages from his ex girlfriends or flings saved in his e-mail (they were all way before we started dating). I asked him last night if he watches porn and his response was that all guys do! How true is this really? I mean I know that a lot of guys check out porn but I guess in my past relationships it stopped as soon as we got at all serious. Should I be concerned? When I asked about it, I explained to him that I was a little upset because it makes me feel like there is something that I can't give to him and that I'm not good enough...kinda takes the self esteem down a notch! I just wanted to get some input from both males and females if this is just a guy thing or if I should be worried! And also if other females would be at all distressed by this!
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I'd say it is fairly common for guys to view porn. Visual creatures, and such...blah, blah. Thankfully my BF isn't that into it. My XH was OBSESSED with it (I told him he needed to get a hobby and he told me that WAS his hobby LOL). I think as long as it's not replacing or negatively impacting your sex life and he's not putting unreasonable expectations on you (you should act, look, dress like a porn star), then I don't see the problem with it. But everybody is going to have a different comfort level with it. I think you should work towards a compromise. Because honestly, if you tell him to STOP COMPLETELY and he doesn't want to, most likely he'll just do it behind your back. OR, alternatively, he may stop to please you, but end up resenting you and that could impact your sex life negatively. Pick your battles wisely.
itgirlragdoll Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I agree with the above poster. It's only a problem if it's negatively affecting you. So if he's more interested in just getting off to porn than he is in being intimate with you, that's a serious problem. Otherwise, yeah, most if not all guys do it, even the ones who say they don't or cover their tracks well usually do. Don't take it so personally. My boyfriend views porn regularly (probably every couple days or so) because we don't live together so I'm not there all the time. But he still is ready to do it a few times a day when he sees me so it's not a problem with me!
Jersey Shortie Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I think most guys are going to come on here and defend your boyfriend and say porn is great and okay and they mostly all like to look. Which blows being a woman. Because lets be honest, real women don't live up to the ideal men really want. And then they tell women they are being silly for naturally being concerned or having feelings of wondering why we even are trying to please him if he is just going to turn to porn the second you aren't there. If you are distressed about it, you are distressed about. It doesn't matter if other women or men agree with it or don't. Talk with your boyfriend about it. Tell him your feelings. His desire to view porn is no more important then your desire to not have it be part of the relationship. Ask him how he would feel in yoru spot if you were looking at other goregous men and pleasuring yourself. Ask him if he would feel like he was meeting your needs. I know alot of people will say porn is okay as long as it doesn't affect your relationship but I think it's a navie statement to make. Porn has already influnced alot of people more then they would like to even believe of themselves. Men might not expect you to look like a porn star but I doubt they would complain if we all did. All in all, as a woman, this topic hurts me personally alot and I am sick of seeing so many men sell out their woman and relationships so that they can sit infront of their computers giving acolades to girls that don't give a crap about them. I don't think it's being very loyal, strong or caring to your partner. We don't live in a world where a guy is looking at Playboy or National Geographic "Once-in-awhile" anymore. The millions of options for a man to view on the internet plus the easy access has up'ed the pot and I think leaves more and more people less statisfied with themselves, life and their partners. That's why people have to keep turning back to porn. But don't expect most men to really care. What they ultimately care about is still having porn in their lives PLUS having a girlfriend. Most men seem to need both to be happy. Most men can't be happy with what their girlfriend/wife offers them. Which pretty much means any one woman really isn't woman enough for a guy. He needs a super imposed ideal fantasy about 18 year old twins with breast implants to feel good. You as the woman are suppose to be the strong one and rise above his porn use and accept it and he as the man is allowed to cater to his whims and fancies through porn and not be strong is learning to enjoy what he has, not all the things he doesn't. That's really the message at the end of the day. Women should rise above/accept the porn. Men are defended and justified in catering to their whims and fancies.
missdependant Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Lilrascal - I wouldn't worry too much about it. Important things to focus on: How is your sex life? How does he treat you? He is obsessed or can he moderate himself? Every guy watches porn from time to time. Maybe not every day.. but every man enjoys it or has enjoyed it at some point. Porn is nothing more than a visual tool. The women in porn are objects, so I really wouldn't worry about it. Unless, like the above poster mentioned, it's having a direct negative effect on you. For example, if your sex life isn't that good, if he's constantly gawking at other girls or doing other things to make you feel insecure. But to answer your question.. yes, almost all men watch porn at least occasionally. There are a select few out there who don't.. but they are few and far between. And a lot of the time, I doubt it's by choice.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 The women in porn are objects, so I really wouldn't worry about it. Maybe it's just me, but it greatly disturbs me that a man or woman easily CAN view a woman in porn as just an object. But as a woman, that doesn't make me think that's a good thing. I do think other women tell themselves this to feel better about their man's porn use by telling themselves the girls are objects. A woman not threatened by porn wouldn't have to reduce the women in porn as a object to make themselves feel better. That's my personal opinion. I don't think it's any compliment to men that their own wives and gfs are actually happy about the idea that a real person, a real woman in porn is an object to him. I'm a woman. The woman in the porn is a woman. She isn't an object. She shouldn't be an object for my boyfriend And if he views her that way, it would seem that he views women in general that way. And that's inherently disheartening.
c-riouz Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I really wouldn't worry about it. Unless, like the above poster mentioned, it's having a direct negative effect on you. For example, if your sex life isn't that good, if he's constantly gawking at other girls or doing other things to make you feel insecure. Porn already DOES make her insecure. So that doesn't count in your opinion or what?
OverThinker Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Based on OP's post porn only makes her insecure because she thinks her man is strang for watching it while they are dateing. If you put all the answers here together you can see one common thing, that is that regardless of how people feel about it, it is something that men do. So if your concern is only that he is doing it and you have no other issues with your sex life because of it then there is nothing wrong with it. BTW I am a man I watch porn but typically only when I am in the mood and my GF is not for a period of time.
c-riouz Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 No one's ever given a satisfying answer to this: Why don't you masturbate WITHOUT porn?
bean1 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 No one's ever given a satisfying answer to this: Why don't you masturbate WITHOUT porn? Because men are visual so seeing a naked chick doing whatever makes the orgasm happen a lot faster and probably more intense. I think it's pretty basic, really.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Based on OP's post porn only makes her insecure because she thinks her man is strang for watching it while they are dateing. That plus she knows she doesn't live up to the idealized standard men have in porn. It' s so very easy for men to sit here and say women need to stop being insecure when it isn't YOUR woman looking at 18 year old guys with perfect bodies doing incredible things to them. maybe men should have the confidence in themselves to put the porn down. If you put all the answers here together you can see one common thing, that is that regardless of how people feel about it, it is something that men do. Which sort of reflects the idea that many men care very little about the woman in their lives or wanting to meet the woman in their lives needs over having porn in it. And also tells me how very giving women are in trying to accept the fact that their man can't be happy with them alone as a woman. BTW I am a man I watch porn but typically only when I am in the mood and my GF is not for a period of time. Two points here. First, all men say thy only watch it "once in awhile" or when their "gf/wf isn't there". At a billion dollar industry, i think these statements are much less true then men want to believe of themselves. Secondly, it's nice to know the second you got your back turned or aren't there your man is off hunting for other women, even in video, form to statisfy himself. I guess men don't have to practice self control.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 No one's ever given a satisfying answer to this: Why don't you masturbate WITHOUT porn? Its simply really. Because varied and new visual stimuli make it: 1. more interesting 2. more intense 3. quicker to finish Porn gives the brain an extra wash of hormones to move things along. When the brain becomes accustomed to an image or idea (or person), it does not produce as much arousal hormone. Only an influx of new and different images or ideas will. That is just how the brain works.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 No one's ever given a satisfying answer to this: Why don't you masturbate WITHOUT porn? Who are you talking to? And why do you assume that everybody needs porn to masturbate? Not everybody does.
bean1 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Perhaps we should address the OP and her feelings rather than get into the 13,4829,993th debate over whether or not porn is ok or not. There are plenty of women, myself included, that are more than happy to enjoy it with (or without) their partners, so let's not preach on a man's lack of self-control. OP, when you told him how it made you feel, what did he say?
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Yeah men watch it, yeah I feel like you do, yeah I hate it, yeah I'm insecure, yeah it makes me feel not good enough, yeah I hate that anal is the choice of the day and I'm not down for up the ass... Same. for me as it is for you. Sucks. We've had tons of fights over it. Here's where we've settled for now. I will not stand for it to be watched while I'm at home. Unacceptable- unless I'm on my period and can't have sex- otherwise, hell will break loose. You may watch it when I'm not home, but do not leave evidence around for me to find. Even in this "compramise" I still hate it, but keep trying to wrap my head around this crap. There's nothing I can do about it. If I forbid it well I'm screwed he either hides it, or ressents me for making him give it up, that or he leaves me. And about the are you good enough for him? Almost always they say yes, and probably mean it. My bf does. He loves me blah blah blah but does that mean I just soak up all this and believe it? Or that I'm not insecure anymore? Ha, yeah right. Anyways I hear ya girl.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I think people forget that while a man can resent a woman for her asking him to give it up, a woman can resent a man for not giving it up or defending it. I certainly resent guys for their endearments to porn over me. For once, I'd like a man to stand up for me like I have seen men do countless times for their porn use. Leaves you rather deflated after awhile. And about the are you good enough for him? Almost always they say yes, and probably mean it. My bf does. He loves me blah blah blah but does that mean I just soak up all this and believe it? Or that I'm not insecure anymore? Ha, yeah right. They love us but they still need porn girls to feel good and happy. So really what is that saying? At the end of the day it's obvious real women aren't good enough for a man to be happy with. Doesn't matter what you give him. What you do for him. Men don't care about that. It doesn't make up for the fact that he still wants to look at 18 year olds with implants. It's better to be the fantasy girl then the real girl with him. If real women were so much better, then men wouldn't have this entire industry to turn to that is outside of their own woman. Truth is, a real woman ISN't better then the porn.
kdark Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 No one's ever given a satisfying answer to this: Why don't you masturbate WITHOUT porn? Because I don't want to rub my dick raw everytime I masturbate. Satisfied?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 There are a million threads on the subject on this forum, if you care to trudge through them. Basically, what I have learned from them is: All men (or almost all men) watch porn.Most men say watching porn has nothing to do with not being attracted to their woman, and a lot of them say they'd still watch it even if they were with a supermodel.The best you can hope for as a female is that your guy watches porn but still has sex with you at a frequency that is to your satisfaction and does not cheat on you by having sex with other women.Men who "don't watch porn" are in many cases lying about their porn use, to keep their women off their backs about it.If the woman doesn't make a big deal about it, it's much less likely to be a big deal in the relationship.
northstar1 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 That plus she knows she doesn't live up to the idealized standard men have in porn. It' s so very easy for men to sit here and say women need to stop being insecure when it isn't YOUR woman looking at 18 year old guys with perfect bodies doing incredible things to them. maybe men should have the confidence in themselves to put the porn down. Which sort of reflects the idea that many men care very little about the woman in their lives or wanting to meet the woman in their lives needs over having porn in it. And also tells me how very giving women are in trying to accept the fact that their man can't be happy with them alone as a woman. Two points here. First, all men say thy only watch it "once in awhile" or when their "gf/wf isn't there". At a billion dollar industry, i think these statements are much less true then men want to believe of themselves. Secondly, it's nice to know the second you got your back turned or aren't there your man is off hunting for other women, even in video, form to statisfy himself. I guess men don't have to practice self control. Wow, you sound like a lot of fun to date
OverThinker Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 There are a million threads on the subject on this forum, if you care to trudge through them. Basically, what I have learned from them is: All men (or almost all men) watch porn.Most men say watching porn has nothing to do with not being attracted to their woman, and a lot of them say they'd still watch it even if they were with a supermodel.The best you can hope for as a female is that your guy watches porn but still has sex with you at a frequency that is to your satisfaction and does not cheat on you by having sex with other women.Men who "don't watch porn" are in many cases lying about their porn use, to keep their women off their backs about it.If the woman doesn't make a big deal about it, it's much less likely to be a big deal in the relationship. This is true. Jersey you sound like you were hurt by someone watcing porn over you not all men watch tat type of porn there are a lot of varieties out the for a reason and I would much rather be with myGF. The point is guys do it OP's guy is not an odd ball Just another guy doing what guys do now she has to decide if she can deal with that
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 At first Jersey Shortie I liked your post, at least your first one. But the last 2 paragraphs and the posts from then on, I don't. It's sad that you think men don't value real women. They do. Just becasue they have a want and need to supplement that with a little porn you conclude that they can never ever just be satisfied with what they have. You're taking the facts and concluding the most absurd things from them. Since when does a mans porn use mean that he doesn't give a hell what his girlfriend does for him!? That's like saying if my bf has me he should NEVER look at another pretty girl ever again, becasue well- duh, he has me! I mean I'm one thing that I don't adore the fact that my lover looks at porn on a regular basis but never would I conclude that he doesn't care less about the nice things I do for him or that I'm just not enough for him. I mean sure, he can have a little fantasy in his life, in his mind, on his screen- that give me the green light that I can do the same. So please stop the preaching about men not giving a hell becasue they wanked to a porno. Are you going to tell me that my bf is useless and I don't care about him becasue I rubbed off to a vid just last night? Note: I'm a GIRL.
clv0116 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 .... Because lets be honest, real women don't live up to the ideal men really want. The girls I date live up to what I want. I think you've jumped the rails here.
itgirlragdoll Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 So please stop the preaching about men not giving a hell becasue they wanked to a porno. Are you going to tell me that my bf is useless and I don't care about him becasue I rubbed off to a vid just last night? Note: I'm a GIRL. Tell it like it is. Why do the anti-porn posters seem to think this is till the 1800s and women don't like to have a little fun too? I can't see my boyfriend every day and I use porn to get off in his absence at least a couple of times a week. I am very much in love with him and value him and everything he does for me. Therefore I really can't fathom how a guy watching porn means he doesn't love or value his girlfriend. It goes both ways. It is just a novelty, like using a vibrator. Merely a tool for release. Is it really that complicated?
clv0116 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Basically, what I have learned from them is: The best approach I've experienced so far is when my GF walks in, she sits down, looks at it with a little curiosity and then starts fooling around. If you want to take a guys mind off porn, this should work. After a few times of that I just started skipping the porn and going straight to her. A lot of the appeal (I believe) is that porn is 100% available, never says no or even hints that it's not in the mood.
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Tell it like it is. Why do the anti-porn posters seem to think this is till the 1800s and women don't like to have a little fun too? I can't see my boyfriend every day and I use porn to get off in his absence at least a couple of times a week. I am very much in love with him and value him and everything he does for me. Therefore I really can't fathom how a guy watching porn means he doesn't love or value his girlfriend. It goes both ways. It is just a novelty, like using a vibrator. Merely a tool for release. Is it really that complicated? I still stand as a hyprocrite. I don't like the idea that he does, even though I do. I can't help the way I feel about it. It does take a little bit of a toll on my self esteem. I wish he never did, but that won't happen. So I deal. I do wonder though what he would think if he knew the type of stuff I watched!? For some reason I watch a lot of men "taking advantage" of young-ER (not young) girls type of videos. Or what if he found the pictures of guys that I drool over? Whould it make him feel insecure? Who knows. Either way, I get it but that doesn't erase how I feel about it.
Recommended Posts