Author wanjirum Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 I just read your messages. But a minute too late. Well he called me in the afternoon, so I avoided his call. After which I just sent a civil text. He called me later on in the evening. Well I also missed his call. So I just called him back and we had a short nice conversation. However at a point in the conversation he referred to me by his current 'girlfriend's' name. Which I ignored incase he was trying to draw a reaction from me. However my credit beeped so I had to hung up and tell him I'll call him back. Well I did and the conversation was short. Afterwhich later on he called me and when I picked up, he wanted me to check something online. Being the fool/ door mat I am I was like okay but can I call you back. I am on the phone. Which he then proceeded to ask me who am on the phone with. I refused to divulge details, after which he then proceeded to tell me there is no point in checking those details online. He will do it tomorrow. Anyway I called him 5 min later and told him I had checked for the details online and he was like, its ok thank you, but I need to get of the phone I am talking to my 'chick' right now. I was so crushed !!!! What made things worse I also found out from him today he is going to the church we used to go to, and I guess he is going with her. Like how depressed has all this made me. I have now realized I am not over him and if anything need to keep away. Was he trying to be cruel by mentioning he was on the phone with her, was he just trying to indirectly insinuate that we can talk now, but just as friends :/. Really puzzled and confused. So I guess I am back to NC but now back to square one (day 01) .... . Also thinking of changing my number.
wmast Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Hey wanjrim, Just read through your entire thread and all I can say is you must go NC from here on out. If he knows exactly how you feel then there's not much else to talk about. Being friends with him won't ultimately get you what you want because you'll remain in the picture. He needs to miss you and miss the relationship for him to come back to you in the capacity of wanting to be your bf again. Right now it's best that you try to forget him, and TRUST ME, I know it's TOUGH! But if not you'll continue to wonder and hope. This is only detrimental for you. Until you hear the words you want to hear, don't budge. Even if you do HEAR the words, you must then SEE THE ACTIONS (but we won't worry about that until the time comes). You must be strict with NC, it's the only way. In my case, I got my ex back but it was only when I was determined not to give her any more rope. You do this by strict NC. I wish I had gone NC the minute she walked out on us. Another important thing about NC is the fact that you build mystery again. I believe that this is a very significant point in the quest to getting an ex back. They will often wonder what you're doing/ who you're with.. This helps. But ultimately, there's no way to get him back. You can only get YOURSELF BACK and maybe, just maybe he'll come back. There's no perfect combination, no ancient secret to getting him back. All you can do is improve your chances... and the most efficient way to do this is NC. Take care of you, improve your negatives and you'll be fine. That I PROMISE! Best of luck!
Author wanjirum Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Is anyone out there???? I am sooo depressed and just came out from a night out, I've been struggling with the emotions whether I should call him or not ... and I think he begun contact to break the silence (moreover during the relationship I was the one who established most of the communication). And for all those none contact purist .... I am move towards a more realist mature approach towards breaks ups especially after :'(
Leveller Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 If it works for you and you can handle it fine, then so be it. What I don't want is people who are still in love with their exs to feel like they can be friends with them too. Sometimes, it just doesn't work. As for things going back to the way they used to be, that's doubtful. The dyamnics have changed. The past is the past and can not be changed. And it's not about me being pessimistic. It's more or less being honest with one's self and understanding that you can't change people or circumstances. The only thing you have control over is yourself. Cheers. I agree with you for the most part and I agree that you don't want to go back to the SAME relationship...WHY it failed after all? However you can change people's opinion of you it happens all the time in daily life and circumstances also change and evolve. My ex said straight after the split that there was nothing she missed about the old relationship. Last month she admitted there were things she missed and would miss me when I move away again...30+days of NC later
CaliGuy Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I agree with you for the most part and I agree that you don't want to go back to the SAME relationship...WHY it failed after all? However you can change people's opinion of you it happens all the time in daily life and circumstances also change and evolve. My ex said straight after the split that there was nothing she missed about the old relationship. Last month she admitted there were things she missed and would miss me when I move away again...30+days of NC later We always say things we don't really mean when we break up (well, most of us do). Time away can and often does change feelings. The thing is, it doesn't necessarily -- and I would say very rarely -- changes overall feelings. If someone can walk away from you, it means they were never really IN love with you. I'm sure they loved you, but being IN LOVE and LOVE are two different things. I've never walked away from someone I was IN love with, but I certainly have walked away from (and never gone back to) women I loved but was not IN love with.
Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hi Wanjirum, I've been reading your posts. I think it's ok for you to be speaking with him if he calls you but only if you've got a handle on your emotion. It seems to me that you're quite an anxious person (I don't mean to offend) because you've asked quite a few times "is anyone's out there?", you've said that you're worried that he'll soon be getting married and I think you also said that he felt you were smothering him a bit. You also said that you were the one who initiated most of the contact in the relationship. Do you think maybe you've been a bit too needy in the relationship? I'm not accusing I'm just asking cos that's something that might need to be worked on if it's true. If you're comfortable with being just a friend then that's fine but if you're not there yet and you try to be friends, things might fall apart completely.
Nuala83 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 If someone can walk away from you, it means they were never really IN love with you. Not sure I agree with this. More likely they were in love with you but fell out of it.
Author wanjirum Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 Hi everyone, I have been off line for a few weeks. So here's an update, well he actually started calling me and we actually talk quite frequently so yes NC does work. He is now also saying he misses me and is asking when I am coming home. As for his current 'girlfriend' and other girl he was kicking it with. It seems like he has ended it with them. What disturbs me the most, is he is now calling and mentioning sex a lot in the conversations and I immediately ignore him or just reiterate we should respect each other as friends and as such communicate in a more appropriate manner. Well furthermore he has been dropping a few hints he misses us and things along those lines. But I am not sure if he is only doing this so that I land and he will have a better chance of sleeping with me. Moreover ironically several months ago I never ever thought I would be saying this, but I am not sure I want to get back with him. He hurt me so badly and I don't think he fully comprehends how much of an impact our break up had on my life. I am worried that if I let him in too easily then he will feel he can get away with anything. What also hurt is in one of our last conversations I was opening up to him about some personal family matters, which he went interrupt (which I thought was pretty rude) then changed the topic and told me he is too drunk and it is too intense of a conversation to be having at that time of the night. He was the only person I felt I could seriously open up to about these things. And I thought at least he could have offered a listening ear. Then they are all this subtle remarks or hints he tells me about other women (I am not sure he is doing this perhaps to make me jelous or test my reaction) so far I act indiffernet and nonchalant and wish him success in the endevours. In addition he is also hanging out and getting close to a lot of my friends. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because I am going home soon. I am just confused. What does he want? I should also add that despite the fact that all those other women are out of his life, there is a new one (but she is a blast from the past) and she is only in the country for one more week. I worry, because even his admition is, it could potentially be very serious with her. He seems to really like her. So is all hope lost? I know I sound really sad, but I actually still love the guy, regardless of all the craziness he has put me through. . What should I do?
Jefff Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'll be blunt and honest with you, I did the long distance thing for 6 years, and she dumped me a month before the long distance was over (see my thread a couple days ago if you want).....and if i could go back and do it all again I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship long distance....maybe I'm just jaded, but being apart isn't easy. The LDR just hurt us, we drifted apart and a lot of stuff got between us, I wish I had just let her go before and got together when we were both home for good, we would have been able to miss eachother and to start fresh when we were in the same place and had the opportunity to have a "real" relationship, instead of just letting baggage pile up over 6 years. I regret the time i wasted on the LDR, I could have been out meeting other women, having a good time, etc....Instead I pissed away so many opportunities. So If I were you I would let go, stop worrying about what girls he's seeing, stop overanalyzing everything he says and trying to find deeper meaning in everything. I would keep in contact with him, but keep it limited, like I said dont start analyzing every word that comes out of his mouth. The goal should be to keep in contact with him AS FRIENDS, but to also allow him to miss you, give him some space, etc....don't talk about relationships with him, if he says something about his new girls just tell him that it hurts you and you would rather not hear about it. Maybe try a more casual form of communication, try emailing, facebook messaging, etc. Something that allows you to talk when you have the time, allows you to really think about what you're saying and not let your emotions fly.... 2 years isn't a long time....Enjoy those two years, go out and meet new people, get in shape, get some new hobbies, do things that better yourself. He will see what you're doing, he will see positive change in you, he will see you being happy and truly becoming a better person, and this will keep his interest in you. Calling him, and acting desperate (all your posts so far scream desperate, and I'm sure he can see this)....remember, guys want what they cant have, if you get to a point where you dont need him to be happy, and I mean truly get to that point- if you pretend he will see right through you, he will be waiting, and single when you return home. You really need to take a step back now, realize that this "relationship" isn't doing anything but hurting you right now. Get out there and be happy. When you move back in 2 years call him up and see how things go... just my opinion though, only you can know what's best for you, so take it for what its worth
georgia girl Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Here's the brutal truth: if he wanted you back, he would pursue you. You wouldn't be left in any doubt what he wanted. Yes, at this moment, you may pass through his mind every once in awhile and you're thinking, "Gosh, if I could just capture that thought and make him want to pursue it..." The tough part is no one can ever make another person do anything that they are truly not motivated to do. Let him go and leave him be. He may ultimately miss you as much as you miss him. But pursuing him will only push him farther away, I'm sorry to say.
Author wanjirum Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Hi everyone, I am sooo confused, if you read through my thread you will able to understand the complexity of the situation. So far two weeks ago, he was calling me and telling me he misses me. But now dead silence. I attempted to send him a text last week telling him I miss our friendship, which I actually do, he was the only person I could share anything with and trust for honest advice. And he replied three times asking me what is wrong, however I felt he wasn't that concerned seeing that he never called me and also included the word dramatic in the text. So I ignored it and played it down and just went on to say nothing much. Take care and have a nice day. Well I never got a reply from that text all he did was send the last text the third time around, which I never replied to. Anyway now I am confused do I go NC again (it is clear I am still so soft for him). However with all this NC advice going around, what do you do after contact is broken by him. I think I should add that I think the mature thing to do, depending on the scenario and situation is to be friends with your ex (it takes hard work). But I am currently best friends with my first ex. And yes I understand this whole NC thing is to help you heal and work on yourself. Furthermore I preferred the attachment in a former thread, the alternative to no contact. I am more pro-communication at the right moment as opposed to NC. However when your ex breaks the NC what do you do after????
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