BW007 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I know my situation is not all that unique after seeing so many similar stories. I have read this site long enough now to read between the lines to see the false hope, the blindness, the fear and the big giant denial of reality. I have gone through the stages of grief and then recycled through them again just for the fun of reliving the torment. I have gone NC then messed it up and started over. Now it has stuck. I have to say I am not in the idealizing a perfect love story stage anymore. I know she is off screwing someone else. Wow that sucks.I miss her company and I miss the sex. It was good. I miss the love when it was still a two way street. Call it acceptance or defeat, whatever, I get that we will never be together again. What a horrible waste of positive emotions. Despite all the crap, I still love her. I know we BOTH f'ed it up but I still love her. I don't think she could never make it up to me enough though and the trust has exploded. So it doesn't hurt as bad as it did and I think of the relationship less and less and think more about the vast amount of lying and covering up that she did in the relationship. So this is coping. My mind is clearing and the new reality is here to stay. This really did just about kill me and it definitely ain't worth that type of despair. But man I still miss her. I crave that impossible chance to sort everything out, repair everything, make amends, have hope for the future with each other, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. F that. This is how my mind thinks about her. It cycles through a ton of positive and negative thoughts. All at the same time. I do admit I am less concerned about her BS though and more worried about my mental nosedive. That really is something I need to fix. I am trying to address my own problems which are more pressing than a bunch of relationship crap. I can only control my self and my reactions and I gotta say I got some real heavy duty problems that helped bury the relationship and mess up my life. I know it was her messed up stuff too, but boy did the loss and abandonment and unfaithfulness and lying just rip apart my soul...too much. I wonder if and when I will bounce back. So I just deal with it, what else can I do?
Author BW007 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 It is crazy how much a relationship can ruin you. It sure messed me up.
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