writergal Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Has anyone ever been stood up and lied to about the reason why? How did you handle the situation? My ex-b/f texted me Sunday evening out of the blue to tell me he would be home a day early from the holiday weekend, because of a badgering relative who insulted him non-stop during his visit home. When he told me the story in detail of what happened to him and the verbal abuse he endured, my response was casual, "well that's families for you. There's always someone whose mean and nasty. Sorry that happened to you." So, then called me the next day and invited me to get together since it was still a holiday weekend and neither of us had to work. We went out to dinner and after he dropped me off, I called him to ask if I could stop by later in the week to borrow an item I need for an upcoming trip (I can't afford to buy it), since he had extras. He said it was fine. He gave me a specific day and time (today) to stop by, so I did. Well, when I rang his apartment buzzer, there was no answer. Then I left an voicemail. I waited nearly 20 minutes for him to appear. He never did. So I left. He called me 3 hours later (today) to say he "forgot" that he told me to come by. Of course I didn't believe him. Yes, people forget things all the time -- that's life. I know b/c it happens to me too and I've hurt people's feelings because of it in the past. But I've always apologized to that person, and accomodated them so that I could maintain their trust in me. But I dont feel like my ex provided that same comfort for me at all. In fact, I felt like he acted passive-aggressively, since he told me he had nothing going on today when I asked what day/time worked best for him. For him to suggest a day time made me suspicious too, because I know he uses that time for athletic training. So when he gave me an afternoon time to stop by, I had to ask him twice if he was sure. This annoyed him but something gut told me I was going to be stood up. The reason I don't believe that he forgot is based on how he reacted when he called me to explain. I had left him an embarassing voicemail (I was pretty irritated and rambled a lot on the message I left him, telling him to at least respect me enough to call me back), which I obviously regret. He showed a total lack of remorse when I asked him if he stood me up on purpose. His response was "you're just torturing yourself by overanalyzing the situation. I told you. I forgot." Then he just laughed, not even offering me an apology. There was no validation either of, "I guess I could see why you may have thought that way." Total lack of consideration for my feelings. When I reminded him that he could have called or emailed or texted me to reschedule, he just said, "I already told you. I forgot. I need to go now. If you want the item, you can call me later and stop by and get it." Who is that disconnected? I mean seriously! He didn't even apologize or acknowledge that he could see why I would react the way I did -- b/c this would force him to acknowledge to himself what a jerk he's been to me. He was totally hot and cold so much during our time dating, that it made my head spin. Even moreso afterward, trying to be his friend b/c I didn't want to just give up on what I felt had potential, despite the baggage we each brought with us. After this experience, I feel foolish for leaving the over-reactive voicemail, and for thinking he would behave differently than he did when we dated, if we were just friends. Its like that saying goes: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Shame on me then for being blinded by false hope and unrealistic expectations.
carhill Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Rule #1: Never expect anything decent or honest out of a stbx or ex. If they are decent and/or honest, that's a real bonus. I expect nothing but a black hole. Next time, buy the item. Trust me, it's far cheaper in the long run
Author writergal Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Carhill, I guess I did expect my ex-b/f to have more respect for me as a "friend." I thought he would treat me better if there was no pressure to be in a relationship with me. I know many people who went through the hot/cold phase with their s.o. and made the relationship work. So I assumed I could have the same success with my ex-b/f. It irritates me when I see how some of my friends have successfully maintained a friendship with an ex, because I feel like a failure if I can't do the same with this current ex. We didn't even date that long, so I thought it would be easy to transition to just be friends with him. And he's 38 years old and is a teacher for special ed students. He treats them with more respect than he treated me! And I'm really irritated to learn that a good friend of mine is friends with him via Facebook - and when I confronted her about it, she lied to me two times, about being friends with him! So, I don't really trust her either now and I feel like an even bigger fool. Why do adults have to behave this way? How difficult is it to send someone a text, email or tell them over the phone that they are not comfortable with you or the situation?! It's not that difficult. He chose to stand me up, and then not bother to apologize. Obviously he doesn't respect my feelings at all. So why the heck would he text me, then call me to invite me to run errands with him and eat dinner with him, then offer to lend me a travel item...if he really wanted nothing to do with me?! I just don't get it! I would never spend time with someone I didn't like or respect. What would be the point? It would be unfair and misleading. I once dated a guy for a few weeks before realizing he wasn't someone I was interested in a long term relationship with. I told him I would be more comfortable being his friend. He accused me of being selfish b/c I didn't reciprocate his strong feelings for me. I could have led this guy on, and hung out with him, knowing he had strong feelings for me still. But I didn't. I deleted him from my FaceBook, I deleted his email address, and his cellphone number and cut off contact with him after he refused to accept my rejection of him. Which brings me to my point: why is my ex-b/f messing with me? He tells me one day he wants to get back together, then the next day says no and just wants to be friends. Then when I ask if I can borrow something from him, he stands me up and gaslights me in the process. Do I have residual romantic feelings for him? No. But I liked him enough to want to maintain a real friendship and had finally reached a point of having no expectations for anything more. In fact, I met someone else this week at a social function who asked me out on a date. I said yes to the date which is this weekend. My whole "venting" is because if he genuinely did forget (which I *highly* doubt) or stood me up, he didn't bother to apologize or validate my feelings - two things I always do for friends if I hurt their feelings because they are important people to me in my life. Plus, my friends know where they stand with me. I never lead them to believe one thing, then do another. I'm just glad to have a first date with someone new and who is not my ex-b/f. I'm just upset that I over-reacted and embarassed myself by believing that my ex was genuinely interested in being my friend. He didn't even call or contact me today so I took that as a sign that he doesn't care. I'm through putting up with his mixed messages of initiating contact with me, but then pulling passive-aggressive stunts like he did yesterday. And I'm angry with my friend for lying to me twice about befriending my ex behind my back too! Makes me feel like an idiot - like I must come across defenseless and dense to people because I don't consistently assert myself all the time. And I'm not dense or incapable of handling myself. I've been more assertive with my ex (aside from the over-reactive voicemail I left) than any other guy I've dated. Last week when we were out, he played me the voicemail his ex-wife left him, asking him to call her b/c she was upset about a friend's recent cancer diagnosis. This behavior shocked me, considering he told me he would never trust me enough to include me in knowing more about his failed marriage. He told me he would call her back. This really gets my goat b/c he always complained about what a crazy person his ex-wife is, and yet he shows her compassion, but me he totally disrespects when I didn't do anything wrong. Now I fear he's replaying my over-reactive voicemail to whomever, which mortifies me to think I was stupid enough to let my emotions get the better of me and left such a stupid voicemail. It only makes him appear more stable or credible to people.
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