scienceguy Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Hi, I'm in a tough situation and would really appreciate some advice from others. Anyways, here goes. A couple of years ago, I started college and became very close friends with a girl. For a long time, it was completely platonic, but around the third year of college, she developed feelings for me. A couple months later, I also developed feelings for her. We ended up dating, and in short, the relationship wasn't particularly healthy. We loved each other a lot, and we were very compatible, but there big problems. The first one was largely my fault. I don't know if anybody here has been raised in an abusive household, but I grew up in a really rotten and unhealthy environment. I don't want to recall all the details, but it was incredibly emotionally abusive; it was a daily matter. My mom is clearly a battered woman, and my siblings and I are survivors. As you can guess, I brought an awful lot of this into my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Normally, the first couple of months are a honeymoon period, but for us, it was a total mess. I never saw it coming, but all these insecurities just came out of nowhere. I was resentful, petty, insecure, and angry all the time with her. I don't know how to explain it, but it was almost like another person took control of my body. I never saw those feelings coming, and I couldn't understand what was going on with me. I had a perfect friendship with her, and once we transitioned to a relationship, it just exploded into a complete mess. Looking back, two things stand out. First, I'm amazed she stayed with me. If it was anybody else, I know she would have left. I don't know why, but she stayed with him and helped me work out those things. Second, I never saw this part of me ever before. It was absolutely terrible. It's been almost two years. I still remember the first time we fought, and I saw the tears as they came down her cheeks. And how horrified I felt, realizing I was hurting her. And how we had so many more fights afterwards, and how I eventually became so numb to seeing her cry. As bizarre as it may sound, I eventually got over these problems. I saw how these things were destroying us so I summoned all my willpower, and after several months, I finally grew out of my problems. I know it's cliche, but I loved her so much that I forced myself to grow up. Things did change...to the point where I had no voice in the relationship. I became a decent boyfriend, but with it was not an equal partnership at all. This pattern carried on for several months, and predictably, we began to fall apart. She called me less, lied to me how she spent her time, and blew me off to go out with her friends. I didn't complain because I thought I needed to be more sympathetic to her needs. And how did I know what was right or wrong? I screwed up the first couple of months of the relationship so I could no longer trust my own judgment. Things kept getting worse and worse. More lies and more quasi-fights. By "quasi" I basically mean I got dumped on and accepted it. She would lie to me more often and manipulate me, knowing how horribly I felt about myself. Anyways, three months before our relationship ended, another guy entered the picture. R was funny, sweet and endearing. Or so I'm told. His parents were fabulous; his relatives were cool and he always did the coolest things. Gradually she started to pull away from me. It was really scary. She had issues with being faithful to her boyfriends in the past. Since we had been friends for years, I had seen her date a guy, form a deep bond with another, ditching her old boyfriend, and then starting up with her new one. And I could see her doing it to me this time. After awhile, you get to know somebody and all the emotionally intimate things her and I shared were imported into her relationship with R. Of course, I refused to believe it, but it was clear. He's an example that usually gets a the jaws droppping. On our ten month anniversary, I had a nice little thing planned for us, and she told me she couldn't spend any time with me--too busy at work. Her job was legitimately busy so I said okay. Anyways, two nights later, we're talking on the phone and she goes on to regale with what happened on Friday(annivesary night). She and R went shopping after work, then to dinner. Afterwards they went back to his place for a movie. Later they got drinks and went for a walk together. They ended up walking to the park and according to her, sitting there, talking about their problems and life in general. By now, you can imagine that the relationship fell apart. Although all of this had happened, I really didn't see the relationship ending. I don't know why. It was obviously unhealthy, and I wasn't happy, but to me, that doesn't signal "ABORT" in my head. Stupid, I know. Well she did break up with me. She told me I was a burden and that the relationship was tying her down. She ended up feeding me some more lies and then went off with her friends to go paintballing. When we did break up, I didn't understand what had happened. I just sat there, very numb to it all. She told me she'd explain to me what had happened, and I figured I'd wait to say anything until I got word from her about what was going on. It never came, but I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. I really never began the process of dealing with the break up because, well, I thought I would talk with her about everything. I later found out that immediately after we broke up, R dumped his girlfriend and my ex and R were making plans to move in together. It was really confusing, to say the least. I tried to talk to my ex after we broke up. I get it's hard to talk to other people, but I figured I'd at least try. Anyways, she just fed me some more lies and blew me off again to go out with her friends. And I tried again. Same outcome. It was so freaking hard to talk to her. I was the one on the receiving end of a break up that I did not see coming, and she was yelling at me to give her a break. I felt so pathetic that I allowed myself to so vulnerable to her. I wasn't her boyfriend, an old friend, or even somebody you meet on the street, who you afford a certain level of respect to; I was a piece of trash that had gotten in her away. She discarded me in a moment. It's been a long time since we broke up--over a year. But to this day, I find it really difficult to deal with all these things. I've gone to a therapist, and I've come to accept my mistakes with her. That abusive part of me was an aspect of who I was at the time. It is something I'm learning to come to terms with. However, I still don't know how to let go of all of this, the entire relationship. It still haunts my mind. I don't want her anymore, and I just want to move forward, but I cannot. I feel trapped by these things. You know, I've made new friends, planned a trip abroad, and I'm looking at a good job in a new city. Yet, I still feel defined by this relationshp. It's so frustrating. I'm exhausted of having this in my mind all the time, and I'm having trouble letting go. What particularly causes me a lot of problems is that I feel so humiliated and resentful towards my ex-girlfriend for the way she treated me the last couple of months were were together, or how we broke up. She took my vulnerabilities and toyed with them. I feel so pathetic and inferior to her that I hate her for it. I hate that she did that to me and got away with it, and I hate her that she knows how she treated me and doesn't care at all. In effect, I'm not worth being treated with any respect. I'm not worth being valued in the first place. (My fantasy, for what it's worth, was that we would've sat down and talked about what gone on in the relationship. I just wanted to say I was sorry for what I had done and that she didn't deserve being treated like that. I hoped to hear that, although the relationship itself wasn't something special, it was sad to see a change like this occur. Our friendship would be diffrent from now on. Maybe we would not be friends, but this was something she always mourned the loss of. To this day, I have no real explanation or closure from her. According to her, it's some absurd expectation on my part. I guess the reasons why things ended are clear, but I just needed to her those things from her too.) I can't believe she did that, doesn't care, and gets away with it. There's nothing I can do about. Nowadays, when I see a potential girlfriend, I don't see anything but a minefield of lies, deceiet and manipulation. She could lie or cheat on me. Maybe she'll dump me for another guy. Or maybe I'll wake up one day and realized I don't love her anymore. Then I'll crush her. I don't know I just can't deal with this stuff. I'm just wondering if there's anybody else out there who has dealt with anything else like this. It's exhausting me to think about it, and I'm sick of all of it. I'm more than this one relationship, but it seems I cannot get myself out of this. It's so crushing.
contax Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I feel you man. I too came from a wrecked home, but I don't let that define me. Still, today I felt very overwhelmed. In all my relationships I was loyal..the girl leaves....wants me back after they found the grass not greener...then I say no. I hear guys telling me how many girls they sleep with from dating sites and it sickens me. I just want a girl to be with. Only one. I'm scared I'm not going to give my all or trust girls again. I will try though. I have this faith, albeit really weak right now...that it will work out. I hope it does for you too. You sound like a really geniune dude, who wants to break family habits - as I do.
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