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Posted

I am miserable.

 

I have been with my bf for 2.5 years. He doesn't treat me well (at least some of the time), yet I can't seem to let go of him. As bad as he often makes me feel, the idea of a lonely life seems far scarier to me.

 

Basically, he is incredibly moody. One minute he is loving and affectionate, the next he is nasty and cold. Every so often he tries to break up with me, but I always convince him to stay. We will go through long periods of seeming happiness, where we don't fight. But it seems like as soon as a good pattern is established between us, he destroys everything over something petty.

 

This is the typical pattern. Usually something unrelated to me causes him to be in a bad mood (work, other people, etc). Then he starts being noticeably cold to me. I call him on it, and he denies that he's being cold. Then I ask him if he even wants to be with me. At first he may say "yes," but then he retracts it and says "no." Then he goes into this really nasty mode.

 

Things came to a head tonight. It was extremely painful for me, perhaps the worst he's been. He said some things I can't get out of my head.

 

He was upset about something somebody had done to him. When he said he wanted to break up with me, I kept telling him how much I love him and he said "I don't care." I wrote him a little card with an "I love you" and he ripped it up in front of me. I asked him if he loved me and he said "no." He said that every time he's ever told me he loves me it's been a lie, and that he lies to me constantly. I asked him why he was being so vicious to me and he said "because I'm a scumbag." He kept stressing what a bastard he was and that I should break up with him. He also later admitted that he was using me as a punching bag and being emotionally abusive to me.

 

Everybody, including him, tells me I need to break up with him, and I know rationally that they're right. Yet, I can't seem to break the cord. I feel that being alone is worse. What if I never find somebody else? That's how it really feels. I really feel that I can't do better. If another guy doesn't have his problem, they'll have another big flaw that will make them equally bad. He's my first serious boyfriend and I'm in my late twenties. He was one of the only guys who was ever interested in me, which is part of why I've clung to him so.

 

I also find it remarkable that somebody who I've given so much (of my heart and soul) could care about me so little. I've been there for him through thick and thin, I've comforted him when he's cried in my arms, worked over time to help him and make him happy. Yet he barely seems to care about me. How is that possible? I can't seem to understand.

 

How do I break free guys? :(

Posted

im in the same boat! i was with my guy for a year & never felt like i was being treated 100 percent but i love him to death! he was always moody making me feel like i was doing something wrong..we had the pattern of breaking up every 2 weeks instead of just fighting it out and it really just ruined us...he doesnt take me serious now

 

idk why hes telling you he doesnt love you..thats messed up..but maybe hes being truthful. he sounds like a real peice of s hit to me . u shouldnt be with someone like that and neither should i.

 

maybe hes upset about something? cheated perhaps and doesnt no what to do about it? just a suggestion?

 

i feel like being alone is worse as well but when u think about it staying with this guy after he just said all that to you is just showing him you have no respect of love fo ryourself. cutting him off for a few days , no contact, will have him missing you... ive only been able to do it with myself for 3 or 4 days im tryinggg over here but he still comes texting or callign if i ignore him for a few days. im at the point now where i dont want to deal with his abuse nemore. neither should u.

 

i feel like i gave this kid so much as well. i woudl never ever cheat on him.. im so cute and sweet towards him ( like a guy should be to a girl ) and he does nothing in return. theyre not giving us what we want theyre not doing things we want so why are we still with these dirrtt bags?? i have yet to figure that out myself.. idk why i keep running back either

 

honestly... do no contact...read through forumns on how to do that cuz its helping me.. by not talking to him i go out and see whats out there, i look at cute couples holding hands and being sweet to one another and saying i didnt have that and i want it. idk ive been broken up for a month but only a few days of no contact. get the book " its called a breakup cuz its broken"---made me feel alot better!!! u can find it on ebay cheap! i think we should keep in touch! feel better!

Posted

IMO, it's projected self-loathing by him. You're co-dependent and likely a saver-fixer personality. You think, if you love him enough, he'll see the light and become the person you know he is and you will be responsible for that metamorphosis, boosting your self-worth and image.

 

Hey, I speak from experience. Deluged with broken women right and left :)

 

BTW, like a ventilated engine block, people can rarely be fixed. Some can fix themselves but it has to come from within. Trust me, it's not your job. The hard part is emotionally divesting yourself of the enormous investment of time, love and energy. This is the danger (and gift) of being emotionally open.

 

Only way I know of to heal, when it's this severe, is to treat it like a death; like the person died. Process that imagery and let go of them. Wish I had better news; sorry :(

Posted

sorry to hear this.

 

carhill's advice is good.

Posted

Regarding visualizing death, I tried this experiment with someone for whom I have long-lasting and deep affection. I artificially aged her in my mind and visualized her death and the abject grief that would bring. IRL, over the interceding decades, she has aged, as have I, and the hard life she faced has been reflected in her appearance. So, in actuality, the image in the mirror has indeed changed. This helped reinforce the work I did, as her image in youth was part of the attraction and connection burned into my mind.

 

It's hard to explain, but did work for me. I was able to reinvent my love for her in a different, perhaps healthier way and now I know she doesn't need to be saved or fixed, but rather has saved and fixed herself. Compassion has morphed into respect.

 

Hope you find your path :)

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