desertdonkey Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Long story short. Got close to a friend of mine(knew her from 3 years) from the last 8 weeks and we basically shared everything about each other. I have told her things which I have not shared with my best friends until now and likewise she has told me things that she has never shared with anyone before. We've been chatting nonstop for like 4-5 hrs daily from the last weeks and this was even during her final examinations! and later on for hours on the telephone. All the 8 weeks she was in a different country and is now back to home. I'm currently in another country and will be goin back home in a couple of days. While we agreed that we should catch up at home when I goto home, I must be very clear here that it was not a date request but just a meeting. The important thing here is in the very early days when we were getting extremely close to each other we discussed marriage and what likes/dislikes we have to death many times and I knew exactly what kind of guy she was looking for and I had very matching qualities. Now three days before I'm goin home, I called her and told her that I want to talk to her about something important in person and she was like what is it? I wanted to ask her if she ever thought of us and if us was a possibility. I said its better I tell you in person and bang one day before I'm about to go home, she tells me on chat that she had this discussion with her friend about getting married to friends and found it absolutely disgusting. She said how can friends ever get married and the whole point of friendship is gone. She clearly said she is not into this and absolutely cannot change her stance on this. I went onto say that love marriages start with friendships and then become marriages and she was like maybe but I'm not into them. She has always said she is the arranged marriage type back then but also said she does not mind love marriages but since nothing has happened till now its more than obvious than nothing will happen is why she discounts it. I'm still goin to meet her and tell her nevertheless what I have in my mind and tell her I cannot be a genuine friend If I dont reveal what I feel inside and beat around the bush. I think she was not sure of how her reaction will be and thought it would be best to put the onus on me when we meet. I'm sure she is goin to ask/remind me abt the important thing I wanted to talk to her. I'll ask her if she really wants to know because I'm not sure if I should tell it to her because of what she told me about friendships and marriages the other day and go on with my proposal. Its very sad it has to turn out like this. I would have more respect surely and would have easily accepted a NO from her if she told me directly rather than goin this route. We discussed each and other detail to death about our lives in the last 8 weeks and I'm dead surprised taht she never told me about her feelings and reservations about friends getting married or dating. What is your whole feeling about this folks? Clearly things are not like they seem to be but nevertheless I still want to ask her if there is a chance of us? Am I doing the right thing? Thanks
Admiral Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Sexual relationships don't start with friendship if they're going to turn out any good.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Sexual relationships don't start with friendship if they're going to turn out any good. You mean relationships that are PURELY about sex and don't involve any kind of emotional attachment, right?
prettybaby Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Ok. **deep breath** I don't know how old you two are, but the whole situation sounds extremely immature and way blown out of proportions to actually be healthy. What is your goal here? And why are you so stuck on the whole marriage issue when you two have never even dated? It's like you're trying to win this sort of argument with her at the moment, as if you think that would make her go: "oh okay, yeah, you're right. Alright then, let's get married". Look at the full picture: you basically spent an extreme amount of time communicating online while you two were in different countries. First of all: I don't think that sharing every little thing that flies through your head about every little aspect of life with someone you have never even dated is a constructive approach if you're looking at long term potential. I get that you two have been friends for a couple of years, but apparently, you've never been on a date or even considered anything romantic up until the lengthy chat sessions started a few weeks ago. Second: tensions were bound to happen in this situation. When two individuals share so much of their thoughts and feelings like an open book without being in a secure relationship first; insecurities, misunderstandings, and tensions are inevitable. Now, if you wanted to salvage this whole mess, you'd meet up with her for drinks or dinner and not mention anything too personal that she has told you during your chats. You would not make any dramatic confessions about how you feel about her and how you feel about marriage (unless you want her to freak out an drop you like a hot potato). I mean, really, the only way to get some future relationship potential back is to act like this mess didn't happen, and behave like any mature person would with a new possible relationship: a relaxed and careful approach, where you gradually get to know each other and respect each other completely. Where heavy topics such as marriage and death and whatnot are only brought up carefully once you've already established that you two are a budding couple and would like to take things further. I also think it would be a terrible idea to bring all those things up in person, as face to face conversations are completely different from chats and phone calls. You'll find that there's a lot more auto-censoring going on in person, which is definitely not a bad thing, if you ask me. Another reason to take a careful approach once you get back home is that I'm not actually 100% sure that she's on the same page as you. I'm not getting from anything you wrote that she has developed any real feelings for you, or is even considering dating you at all. You say she described what she looks for in a man and that you recognized a lot of traits as being part of your personality ... that's your conclusion. Did she ever tell you that you're her type at all? Are you sure you didn't misinterpret certain things and assumed you two were looking forward to starting something together when that may not actually be the case? In any case: take it slow. Treat her like you'd treat any new girl you'd want to date and get to know better, and don't bring up topics which you know very well will annoy her.
prettybaby Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Sexual relationships don't start with friendship if they're going to turn out any good. I somehow get the feeling that sex isn't too high on this girl's priority list. She mentioned she was cool with the idea of arranged marriages. I could be wrong, but I get the feeling she is muslim? I also sense that desertdonkey is probably from the same background, but is looking more for a love marriage rather than an arranged one. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Author desertdonkey Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I somehow get the feeling that sex isn't too high on this girl's priority list. She mentioned she was cool with the idea of arranged marriages. I could be wrong, but I get the feeling she is muslim? I also sense that desertdonkey is probably from the same background, but is looking more for a love marriage rather than an arranged one. Correct me if I'm wrong. We come from very highly conservative and traditional families and sex is an impossible before marriage. We are Indian. I wouldn't say I'm looking for love..its just that so many things have clicked and I want it to be an like/love/marriage. Dating is taboo in our culture.
Author desertdonkey Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Ok. **deep breath** I don't know how old you two are, but the whole situation sounds extremely immature and way blown out of proportions to actually be healthy. What is your goal here? And why are you so stuck on the whole marriage issue when you two have never even dated? It's like you're trying to win this sort of argument with her at the moment, as if you think that would make her go: "oh okay, yeah, you're right. Alright then, let's get married". Look at the full picture: you basically spent an extreme amount of time communicating online while you two were in different countries. First of all: I don't think that sharing every little thing that flies through your head about every little aspect of life with someone you have never even dated is a constructive approach if you're looking at long term potential. I get that you two have been friends for a couple of years, but apparently, you've never been on a date or even considered anything romantic up until the lengthy chat sessions started a few weeks ago. Second: tensions were bound to happen in this situation. When two individuals share so much of their thoughts and feelings like an open book without being in a secure relationship first; insecurities, misunderstandings, and tensions are inevitable. Now, if you wanted to salvage this whole mess, you'd meet up with her for drinks or dinner and not mention anything too personal that she has told you during your chats. You would not make any dramatic confessions about how you feel about her and how you feel about marriage (unless you want her to freak out an drop you like a hot potato). I mean, really, the only way to get some future relationship potential back is to act like this mess didn't happen, and behave like any mature person would with a new possible relationship: a relaxed and careful approach, where you gradually get to know each other and respect each other completely. Where heavy topics such as marriage and death and whatnot are only brought up carefully once you've already established that you two are a budding couple and would like to take things further. I also think it would be a terrible idea to bring all those things up in person, as face to face conversations are completely different from chats and phone calls. You'll find that there's a lot more auto-censoring going on in person, which is definitely not a bad thing, if you ask me. Another reason to take a careful approach once you get back home is that I'm not actually 100% sure that she's on the same page as you. I'm not getting from anything you wrote that she has developed any real feelings for you, or is even considering dating you at all. You say she described what she looks for in a man and that you recognized a lot of traits as being part of your personality ... that's your conclusion. Did she ever tell you that you're her type at all? Are you sure you didn't misinterpret certain things and assumed you two were looking forward to starting something together when that may not actually be the case? In any case: take it slow. Treat her like you'd treat any new girl you'd want to date and get to know better, and don't bring up topics which you know very well will annoy her. Thanks for the reality check. Yes, I'm sure that she has never directly told me about her feelings but I for certain am sure gave enough hints that I'm interested and wasn't turned way or stopped in my tracks. I think I'll go with your suggestion and just keep it to normal talk and hope that nothing sensitive comes up. Thanks again for the advice. It surely helps. One quick question, How do I dodge the question "What is the improtant thing you wanted to tell me about?" without creating a fuss/problem or a possible situation.
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I know that if I told a guy everything and pretty much any thought that goes through my head it would be because I am not romantically interested in him and therefore do not care too much what he thinks of me.
Author desertdonkey Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 I know that if I told a guy everything and pretty much any thought that goes through my head it would be because I am not romantically interested in him and therefore do not care too much what he thinks of me. I shall tread very carefully then. I have no idea or inkling about this way of thought. On a lighter note, what would it take to change those feelings to romantic feelings?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I shall tread very carefully then. I have no idea or inkling about this way of thought. On a lighter note, what would it take to change those feelings to romantic feelings? WARNING: you can never change how a person feels towards you. That kind of stuff only occurs in movies, and the 1% that actually were able to accomplish are either crazy or waited for years to accomplish their plan. Can I say something? While email and online correspondences are great, they're still unrealistic as opposed to getting to know a person in real life. I'm pretty certain it's more possible to correspond by mail back in the early 1900's and get married after meeting 1 or 2 times, but we're living in the 21st century and standards are different nowadays. People have different expectations and you really have to be realistic when it comes to relationships and dating. Expecting someone to change their mind is not one of them.
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