missbarelythere Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hi everyone. I am not sure where to start, but I am so lost and alone right now. I am 36 and a single mother of 3. I began dating a man who is 9 years younger than me two years ago after my divorce. I was upfront with him and told him early on that I was not interested in having more children. He insisted that he was fine with that as he owns a business and felt he would never have time for a child. <br> We used condoms until about a year ago when it was clear that we were going to be long term and monogamous, and I fell back on the rhythm method which I had used for the last 20 or so years while I was married. My ex husband and I planned our three kids and avoided having more using this method for all of those years. I educated my BF about this, and told him when it was safe and when it was not and that worked well for us until I told him about 3 months ago that I wanted to get my tubes tied. I have epilepsy and it has become unmanageable with medication. After my last son who is 9, my doctor told me that I should reconsider having more children as he was premature due to my illness. Since my condition has worsened so much, I knew that getting the tubal was the best thing to do. I talked it over with my BF and told him what my plan was, and he told me that he was fine with it. <br> About a month ago he was insisting that we have sex, and I often let him even if I am not in the mood, just to be a "good" girlfriend. I warned him that it was not a safe time for me and he acknowledged that he understood. (Remember, this has worked for us for a year now, with never any issues) Well, he went ahead and did the deed, finishing inside of me. I was horrified and told him that I was shocked that he did that, and he just smiled. I later found out that he had told all of his friends that he was going to get me pregnant before I had the tubal surgery. So he absolutely did this on purpose. <br> I didn't worry too much as I have been so stressed by other issues in my life that I figured that my late cycle was due to stress. Well, that was not the case. I am four weeks pregnant. When I told him he told me that he "sort of" did that on purpose and he figured that I would be upset at first but would eventually get over it and be happy. But I am not happy. I am devastated. I feel like he took that choice away from me. I am ashamed to tell my family, and worried about my health and the health of my unborn child.<br> I live with this person, due to my disability I am unable to work but have been doing office work at home for him to contribute to our household. He knows that I do not personally consider abortion an alternative for me, so he has me trapped. I told him how I felt, and he just smiles and shrugs. He immediately got on the phone and bragged to all of his friends about how he succeeded in getting me pregnant. <br> Every day I am feeling more resentful and alone. How could he love me and then risk my health and the baby's health? I have seizures nearly every day. I could fall and injure myself. My youngest son was born at 7 mos. due to my epilepsy. I can't even drive a car because of my condition. And here I am... <br> Please tell me I am not crazy for feeling that what he did was...irresponsible at best. I take responsibility for my role in this. Trust is utmost when using the rhythm method, and I did trust him. But now I can't even see that person anymore when I look at him. <br> Should I try to stay and see if I can't get past this horrible betrayal? Or should I somehow leave and hope that I can find a way to support my child on my own? Please someone, I don't have anyone to talk to...
Enema Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Err... he's an immature jerk and not someone you should be with. Your options are clear: 1) Abort 2) Split up It's a no brainer lady.
Lucky555 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 in order to get through this you both need to see a therapist. I think it will help to sort out the problems to move in a direction which is best for both of you. I am sure you will love this child, but him, i think this will be a problem because of what he did. You really have to see someone to talk about this and see if you can or can not move past it. Your probably going through a lot of emotions right now and i sincerely empathize with you. But, you really need someone who you can trust right now who can help guide you.
Sam Spade Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 when was that? what about the morning after pill? if it's too late i agree: you only have 3 options: abortion or break up. in fact, if possible, i'd break up anyway. and your third option is a miserable life with one more kid, with a guy that doesn't give a **** about your feelings, or at least doesn't realise the extent to which his priorities affect you and is being inconsiderate about that. sounds harsh, but at least the options are very clear. leave the emotional processing for later.
redfathom Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 For the sake of the child, and your other children...have an abortion and leave this guy. Since the baby could die anyways (early birth) or be born with several health problems, but not have an abortion? That is the worst way to protect yourself. Why not use BC, morning after pill, or continue using condoms. You don't have an in home nurse when you have seizures everyday!
broadway11 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Oh wow....That is such a terrible situation. I think you know how unhealthy this situation is. You need to do whatever you can to get out of it...You will never get over what he did to you and you shouldn't. Are you in the states? If you haven't yet, see what kind of assistance you qualify for. With 3 other children and uncontrolled epilepsy you should qualify for something.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Are you close with and/or to your family? Can they help you out? If you really do not want to have an abortion, don't do it. You will feel terrible. Would you consider adoption? I'm sorry you are in this situation. I think that this guy is immature and he has taken advantage of you.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 May I ask what kind of medication (anti-convulsant) you took when you were pregnant? I tried to PM you but you don't have that capability yet.
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Okay, I don't want to kick you while you're down, but please PLEASE take some responsibility, it's very important that you do for your future encounters. A woman's body is a woman's responsibility too. I have a friend who calls me about pregnancy scares left and right; why? Because she's having unprotected sex. What does she tell me about why that is? "Because he won't let me use birth control." I'm sorry, but the title of your post just hit a nerve. You are very well aware of the calculated risks to having unprotected sex, and as irresponsible, and selfish to the health of your unborn child as it was for him to finish inside you knowing better, it was equally if not more so as bad for you to allow him to do this because YOU have the ULTIMATE say. You could of said No, let's use a condom, or as someone there is plan B etc. For you to know what an absolute danger it is to your health and the health of your child should there be one, and not to ensure that protection was irresponsible and it's bothersome that your title suggests you believe this is all his fault. It is both faults equally, I'm not trying to stand on a soap box and claim to be a perfect person or tell you that you're a bad one; please understand I am speaking only in relevance to this specific situation. I am hoping you will take responsibility for your share in this because I don't want this repeating itself with a future boyfriend down the road.Especially since it poses such hazards to you and your unborn children's health. That said, I am sure you were thinking you could trust this person and it must of been a huge let down to learn otherwise, I am sorry you are learning the hard way with such steep consequences but that is exactly why I think it's so imperative that you understand the preventable role you played in this matter.
Itsnotme Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I was married for ten years to a man eight years younger than me. When we got serious he told me he was infertile. He told me in front of his mother and brother and I had no reason to disbelieve it. However, I got pregnant quite soon after. He broke down in front of the midwife even and said it was miracle etc etc. Even the midwife was crying. We had a daughter. Two and half years later, I got pregnant again. That was when he admitted that he'd lied all along. I had two children that I would never have had. I couldn't imagine life without them now but my point is, is that I was misled completely. The next few years of the marriage were hell. He controlled everything about me and it took me years to pluck up the courage to get myself and my children out of there. We were all contolled and mentally abused. I'm over it now with the help of Womens Aid and counselling but my point to you is that what he has done is a form of control and you need to end it now. What you do about the baby is up to you but control is control and it is damned ugly and usually gets uglier. My thoughts are with you.
headlesschicken Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 my possibly unpopular opinion is that you knew it was not a safe time. you share in some of the responsibility for the pregnancy. yes it's a bad situation, and he did you wrong, but pregnancy happens when adults have consensual sex during a fertile period. anyway i don't think you should stay. how can you trust him?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Okay, I don't want to kick you while you're down, but please PLEASE take some responsibility, it's very important that you do for your future encounters. A woman's body is a woman's responsibility too. I have a friend who calls me about pregnancy scares left and right; why? Because she's having unprotected sex. What does she tell me about why that is? "Because he won't let me use birth control." I'm sorry, but the title of your post just hit a nerve. You are very well aware of the calculated risks to having unprotected sex, and as irresponsible, and selfish to the health of your unborn child as it was for him to finish inside you knowing better, it was equally if not more so as bad for you to allow him to do this because YOU have the ULTIMATE say. You could of said No, let's use a condom, or as someone there is plan B etc. For you to know what an absolute danger it is to your health and the health of your child should there be one, and not to ensure that protection was irresponsible and it's bothersome that your title suggests you believe this is all his fault. It is both faults equally, I'm not trying to stand on a soap box and claim to be a perfect person or tell you that you're a bad one; please understand I am speaking only in relevance to this specific situation. I am hoping you will take responsibility for your share in this because I don't want this repeating itself with a future boyfriend down the road.Especially since it poses such hazards to you and your unborn children's health. That said, I am sure you were thinking you could trust this person and it must of been a huge let down to learn otherwise, I am sorry you are learning the hard way with such steep consequences but that is exactly why I think it's so imperative that you understand the preventable role you played in this matter. I think you have made some very good points in a compassionate manner.
Author missbarelythere Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 If you read my post you would note that I stated this. I knew that I would not get much sympathy as the sex was consensual. I feel as if I am drowning, and simply was reaching out. I have no family, I have no one. <br> That being said, I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond, even if some of what was said felt hurtful. It remains what it is, and I have a lot of thinking to do.
norajane Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I live with this person, due to my disability I am unable to work but have been doing office work at home for him to contribute to our household. He knows that I do not personally consider abortion an alternative for me, so he has me trapped. risk my health and the baby's health? I have seizures nearly every day. I could fall and injure myself. My youngest son was born at 7 mos. due to my epilepsy. I can't even drive a car because of my condition. And here I am... <br>Have you spoken to your doctor about this pregnacy? Are you even well enough to carry this child to term, or is this going to kill you? If you're having seizures all the time, how are you going to be able to care for a baby? If you have not spoken to your doctor, I suggest you do. An abortion might be your best option, if you want to live yourself. This pregnancy sounds like it could endanger your life. If you are able to carry to term, then giving the baby up for adoption is something you should consider, since it appears your health is getting worse, not better. As for the guy, DUMP him. He does not have your best interests in mind.
hoping2heal Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Misstotally, I apologise. I should have read further and didn't, and you're right I would of seen that line; I still probably would of said the same thing though based on the account of how you titled your post. I guess though, maybe you were just saying how you feel, and I can even understand WHY you would feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel so alone, and that you have no one else. I wasn't trying to make you feel like an awful person or isolate you any further, I am not in your situation and have never been pregnant, therefore I don't have a clue of what you're going through. I know it sounds horrible, I know it sounds really sad that someone you cared for betrayed your trust the way he did, but being in your shoes is not something I know anything of. I don't have any doubt however you won't soon connect with someone here who HAS been in your situation. I think that the power of feeling understood will be a wonderful support to you at this time. Sorry you feel so alone at this time. Oh, ps went back and re read the post- I did read everything I just must of missed that line.
samspade Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 1. Dump him. 2. Abort baby, if for no other reason but that this guy shouldn't be reproducing. 3. In the future, get on the pill and use condoms. He didn't "force" anything on you. You both made poor decisions, and he is a selfish prick. Remember, it's YOUR body - not just when you exercise choice but when you exercise prevention. Don't sacrifice your future out of some need to be a "good girlfriend."
Just Angel Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 ((hugs))) Your first step should be to have a serious talk with your dr. While I too am anti-abortion, I would choose that course in order to make sure the children I do have continue to have a mother. As you know, there are risks, especially in the first trimester, while using antiseizure meds during pregnancy, as well as risks if you DONT. You'll need to really think about YOU and this baby and living with any potential issues s/he may have due to premature birth/meds/seizures. 2nd step would be that you show this guy to the door. Hard as it may be, what he did shows that he truely does not love nor respect you. He very clearly showed you that he cannot be trusted. So regardless of what you choose to do about this pregnancy, please, for your sake, skip all the 'buts' and let him go. I cant pm here, but will gladly give you my email if you want to talk.
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