Ex-Girlfriend wants me back while I am in a relationship

[Verda]

Hi All,

 

I'm looking for an unbiased opinion on my situation and this seems like a great place to do so. This may be a bit longwinded so I thank everyone in advance for bearing with me! The backstory is as follows:

 

I met my girlfriend through mutual friends about 7 years ago. We dated for about 5.5 years and then took a break. I later found out she took a break because she wanted to try dating other people, which was fair in retrospect. I took that time to date others as well but ultimately nothing serious came from it. About 6 months later she sends me a text message saying that she wants to give things a shot again.

 

We get back together and decide after a few months that we should get engaged. I do everything old school - ask her parents permission, buy a really expensive ($15,000!) ring, and plan a proposal in NYC, which was our favorite place to visit. As the proposal date grows closer she starts to catch on to what's going on. She has a tight knit family and I suspect she may have heard people speaking about it.

 

About a week before the proposal, she tells me that she isn't ready to take the next steps and tells me to give her some time to evaluate things. We don't speak for a week after that. One day before our trip to NYC, she breaks things off. We go on the trip anyway since we had booked travel, hotel, and entertainment. I end up doing a last ditch effort and proposing anyway, to which she says "No". This happened in front of a crowd, too, so their reaction was a bit funny. She felt bad about it but told me she simply wasn't ready for the next step.

 

I come to find out she still has feelings for one of the guys she dated and they end up dating again. This all happened in August and the guy she broke up with me for ends up breaking with her on New Years Eve, because, ironically, he isn't ready for a committed relationship. Meanwhile I am dating casually, but nothing serious.

 

So a few months pass and we end up meeting up again. Around this time I am dating someone casually, she would come over, have some drinks, etc. My girlfriend notices this and tells me she misses me. I break up with the other girl (and yes, I do to this day feel horrible about it) and get back together with my ex. Things start to go really fast, she moves in, we spend lots of time together, etc. This only lasts for about 1.5 months.

 

Towards the end of this I notice her being very distant. We went from a very passionate couple to a couple that wouldn't even kiss each other goodnight. I end up being unable to sleep because I am absolutely miserable over this whole situation. I finally gather the courage to ask her what's wrong. She tells me she still has a lot of things she needs to experience and ends up breaking up with me again.

 

So having been in this situation before, I start to go out in date. I was pretty miserable during our last two breakups and was tired of being the victim, especially while she was out having fun and dating. So, lo and behind, I end up meeting someone special. She ends up being everything I could want in a woman and most importantly, we have great chemistry together.

 

So fast forward to this past week, where at this time said girl and I have been dating for two months.

 

As a side note, my ex and I are still in touch on a very casual basis, we share mutual friends, etc. so we will run in to each other. Last week she purchased a car, a Civic Si, which only came in manual, which she can't drive well. Since I can drive one, she had asked if I could pick it up with her that Saturday, otherwise she wouldn't have a car for work. I agreed because she was in need. So the night before I was out with the girl I was seeing, she had a bit too much and I had her stay over since it was unsafe for her to drive. My ex calls me at 930am that morning to confirm. The girl I was seeing was still sleeping. Somehow my ex realizes that someone is over and absolutely loses it. She starts screaming and crying and threatens to come over.

 

The girl I am seeing quickly catches on and leaves, saying that she doesn't have time to deal with this sort of drama. My ex ends up coming over and tells me she wants me back, etc. I absolutely lose it and start screaming at her about her lack of respect towards my personal life. I end up calming down a few hours later and agree to get her car with her. On the ride she tells me she really does want to work things out and feels truly awful about what she did. I tell her that I was still upset and would have to think about things.

 

Later that night I patch things up with the girl I was seeing, I told her I had no idea my ex would act that way and she understood.

 

So meanwhile, my ex is very aggressively pursuing me. The thing is, she is a wonderful person and would make a great girlfriend or wife for me, but I am unsure of her intentions. She swears it is different this time around and she honestly seems sincere. The problem is, I am not sure I believe her. I am also still very angry about her actions and feel that she really has an enormous lack of respect for me and my relationships. Of course, she is doing everything to prove it is different this time around. The problem is she is absolutely smothering me and I have to tell her to back off multiple times a day.

 

My dilemma is if I should give my ex (yet) another chance. I would, of course, be taking things VERY slowly and not rushing in to things. I am absolutely terrified of losing her forever as I have always pictured myself with her. On the other hand, I am still dating a girl who I like very much, but have little history with. I can definitely see us having a relationship, but obviously 2 months vs. 7 years is a bit hard to compare.

 

If my ex is being serious is it worth giving her another shot at the risk of losing the other girl? Is it work dating this other girl and risking losing my ex forever? I really like this new girl I am seeing and I am NOT happy with how my ex has treated me in the past. I am ultra wary of giving her another chance.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated. My friends are biased because they don't like the things she's done. Thanks in advance and thanks for reading all of those words!!

[Lucky555]

You are clearly not over your ex. This is not fair to anyone who you are seeing.

 

Have you tried being single for awhile without contact from your ex? (Can you do that?)

 

Do you really like breaking up and then getting back together, breaking up again, to repeat the cycle over and over again? (She was sleeping with other men right? How does that feel? Doesn't that hurt? IF you were the one she wouldn't have done this) If she can do it once she can do it again.

 

You stated your ex does not respect your relationships, does not give you space, has not treated you well......why do you want to go back to feel more pain?

 

I say give the new girl a shot and do not do favors for the ex. Really, your new girl should have been mad about you going with your ex to get a car. You probably still care but this is something she can do, shes a big girl and can take care of herself, but why would she when she can get a sucker? (no offense).

 

You should not be caring if the ex has a car to get to work at all. If i were the new girl I would have dumped you and never forgave you because IT WILL happen again and only cause drama. If you truly want a good relationship your going to have to start caring for yourself and whomever is your significant other.

 

But if you chose to take a chance of repeating the cycle of breaking up and getting back together all over again, then do it.

 

It must be hard moving on with someone constantly "on your tail".

I think you need to create a list of things you want out of a relationship and what is going to make you happy in the long run.

 

I believe "history repeats itself and people never change" you cannot change a person.

[broadway11]

We all want what we can't have.

 

When you where there for her 100%, she wanted something else. Now that you are moving on with your life...She wants you back.

 

I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan at all, but he says something that makes a lot of sense: Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.

 

Your girlfriend cannot commit to you. You may have strong feeling for each other, but you've proven time and time again you can't have a stable relationship together.

 

I personally think you need to quit talking to your Ex completely. Cut her out of your life because you aren't over her and seeing her, talking to her, etc. just clouds your judgment. It isn't fair to anyone else you date if she is constantly on your mind. The fact she only wants you back when you have another girl is really telling.

[Verda]

Hi Lucky555,

 

I definitely still have feelings for her, but I wouldn't say I am not over her. I've been willing to move on for some time and have accepted in the past that we may never work things out. You have to realize; 7 years is a really long time to know someone and it's hard to let go regardless of the situation. She was my first "real" love and someone like that always holds a place in your heart, I think.

 

Oh yeah, I was single for a good amount of time (essentially over a year total during the times we were broken up) and just dated people casually, I wasn't really looking for a relationship at that time as I was trying to focus on "me" time. I found new friends and hobbies, went to the gym and got in great shape, and now at this point I am ready to start something serious again. I was well aware she was sleeping with other men, and I am OK with that since I was sleeping with other women. Even if I wasn't I wouldn't be too hurt, we were broken up, after all and that's her right to do so.

 

I most certainly do not like breaking up and getting back together and again that is the root of the problem.

 

I'd still be interested in a relationship because she was, at one time, very good to me, completely kind and self sacrificing. She's overall a great person and I love her family. If she's willing to change and be the person she used to be, then there is no problem. The problem is I am 99% certain she's going to revert back in a month.

 

Actually, the new girl and I are incredibly honest with each other. I told her beforehand I was going to help my ex and she had no problem. After all, despite our past I do care about her and she was in a bind, I'd feel worse for not - that's just petty in my opinion. I told her if she was upset I wouldn't help her out, but the new girl said I would be a jerk not to. Both of us are still friendly with our exes and are honest whenever we see each them (her ex is friends with her brother, so he's around a lot), so this isn't an issue, nor am I the jealous type, if she wants to cheat on me there isn't a lot I can do and I will move on.

 

I honestly wasn't expecting the reaction from my ex and thats why the new girl was upset, she thought I was still dating her at the time from the way she acted, which is totally fair. We cleared things up and are OK now.

 

And yes, you are 100% correct - I have definitely been a sucker for her. Not proud of that at all and one of my reasons for potentially not going back.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your Ex can't be faithful where she needs to test drive the newest man on the block what's the point of being in a relationship? WTF is the F-ing point???

 

Seriously if you go back to her she'll do it all over again, mark my words, she will drop your azz and sleep with someone else!

[BCCA]

The problem is I am 99% certain she's going to revert back in a month.

 

I'm 100% sure.

 

Know why? Almost the EXACT same thing happened to me, and every single f***ing time, she would throw this big dramatic production, about how I was the love of her life, no one would compare, and all this other crap...yet, after a week/month/whatever, she would just be 'unhappy and feel like we should take a break'.

 

It NEVER stops. I know someone who went through this for 10 years with the same girl, and it comes down to this: if she isnt going to take the next step with you now, she never will. Breaking up with you knowing you were going to ask her to marry you, then STILL GOING on the vacation (and subsequently, rejecting your proposal) is flat out terrible.

 

She doesnt want you, but she doesnt want anyone else to have you, either. At least not until she's found 'Mr. Perfect', gotten married, and then really has no need for you anymore.

 

Cut her off for good. I promise you youre going to have to do it anyway someday, so dont waste any more time. She's no good for you, and you deserve better. Dude...she said 'no' to your marrige proposal, she knows you two are never going to be married.

[Lucky555]

yes, its hard to turn off feelings for someone after being with them for awhile but you need to respect yourself and set boundaries as well as maintain those boundaries to allow yourself to have PEACE. I can't imagine how much drama this causes you and your relationships. Like i said you can't change someone. The only thing to do is feel secure with what you need in your life and decisions that you make. As you say you can move on, but it sounds like you have moved on physically and not emotionally. You were rejected by your ex and no one likes rejections, when she became emotional about the other woman, you realized she wants you bad. That is flattering to know after all that she has put you through, but sometimes you have to feel good about that and make the decision thats going to benefit you. Just trust yourself and be with the one that provides more emotional and physical security for you thats what is going to make anyone in a relationship happy for the most part.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm still struggling with the idea of dropping 15 large on a ring, cheap bastard that I am.

[Lucky555]

i'm 100% sure.

 

Know why? Almost the exact same thing happened to me, and every single f***ing time, she would throw this big dramatic production, about how i was the love of her life, no one would compare, and all this other crap...yet, after a week/month/whatever, she would just be 'unhappy and feel like we should take a break'.

 

It never stops. I know someone who went through this for 10 years with the same girl, and it comes down to this: If she isnt going to take the next step with you now, she never will. Breaking up with you knowing you were going to ask her to marry you, then still going on the vacation (and subsequently, rejecting your proposal) is flat out terrible.

 

She doesnt want you, but she doesnt want anyone else to have you, either. At least not until she's found 'mr. Perfect', gotten married, and then really has no need for you anymore.

 

Cut her off for good. I promise you youre going to have to do it anyway someday, so dont waste any more time. She's no good for you, and you deserve better. Dude...she said 'no' to your marrige proposal, she knows you two are never going to be married.

 

 

very true.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm still struggling with the idea of dropping 15 large on a ring, cheap bastard that I am.

 

LOL 15G's for a ring???!

 

And she said no! she must be smoking!!!

 

Aint no way I'm paying that much for a ring.

[Verda]

Yeah, You guys are right. She has done a LOT of horrible things and in reality I shouldn't be talking to her.

 

Oh, to add insult to injury? I got the engagement ring engraved and the jeweler won't take it back, ouch. Talk about an expensive paper weight.

 

I really like this new girl and want to give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, that's OK, this may just be the thing I need to really close this chapter. If my ex truly has feelings for me she'll be happy and supportive of me. Who knows, maybe we can even try something in the future if we are both single at the right time.

 

I guess my only hesitation is if she really grew up from her experiences and wants to commit. Something about the look and her eyes and tone in her voice says she might, but I think I might just be blinded by our past.

 

The new girl is going on holiday for the next three weeks so that will give me some good time to reflect on everything.

[Verda]

I'm still struggling with the idea of dropping 15 large on a ring, cheap bastard that I am.

 

Haha, trust me, she has done a LOT to support me and I can afford it. It was my small way of showing her how much I love and appreciate her. The thing is that she is VERY frugal as she has had a modest upbringing. She honestly owns nothing flashy at all and always pays for things despite the fact I make way much more money than she does. I am pretty sure she would hate me for spending that.

[who_knows_who]

Some people would give anything for a second chance to be with someone special. How many chances did you give her or how many chances are you going to give her?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah, You guys are right. She has done a LOT of horrible things and in reality I shouldn't be talking to her.

 

Oh, to add insult to injury? I got the engagement ring engraved and the jeweler won't take it back, ouch. Talk about an expensive paper weight.

 

I really like this new girl and want to give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, that's OK, this may just be the thing I need to really close this chapter. If my ex truly has feelings for me she'll be happy and supportive of me. Who knows, maybe we can even try something in the future if we are both single at the right time.

 

I guess my only hesitation is if she really grew up from her experiences and wants to commit. Something about the look and her eyes and tone in her voice says she might, but I think I might just be blinded by our past.

 

The new girl is going on holiday for the next three weeks so that will give me some good time to reflect on everything.

 

You can always file down the engraving on the inside and sell the ring on ebay or craigslist. F-it! lol.

 

Your ex is a selfish woman, a very selfish and immature woman.

 

You'd be best to be rid of her...Forever!

 

Why waste your time even thinking about her. The whole engagement ring is a sticking point but that'll anger will creep up on you. But if you can't return it, there's always the open market. You might get not alot of value on the return but it would be sold. Also diamonds depending on the size and clarity only becomes worth more as time goes on. But if you dont want it as a reminder, sell it.

 

Get rid of all this associated with the ex.

[Verda]

Some people would give anything for a second chance to be with someone special. How many chances did you give her or how many chances are you going to give her?

 

I've given her three chances, this would be her fourth.

 

You can always file down the engraving on the inside and sell the ring on ebay or craigslist. F-it! lol.

 

Your ex is a selfish woman, a very selfish and immature woman.

 

You'd be best to be rid of her...Forever!

 

Why waste your time even thinking about her. The whole engagement ring is a sticking point but that'll anger will creep up on you. But if you can't return it, there's always the open market. You might get not alot of value on the return but it would be sold. Also diamonds depending on the size and clarity only becomes worth more as time goes on. But if you dont want it as a reminder, sell it.

 

Get rid of all this associated with the ex.

 

Yeah, I am going to melt the band down I think and sell the diamonds, it's just not the right time now. I've attempted in the past but in this economy, people aren't really willing to shell out money for a pricey ring. It's sitting in a bank box where it will probably remain until the market for those things gets better.

 

Oddly enough I am not very angry about the engagement. Part of me is relieved she didn't go through with it if she wasn't serious. A divorce is a LOT more costly than a breakup.

[BCCA]

I guess my only hesitation is if she really grew up from her experiences and wants to commit. Something about the look and her eyes and tone in her voice says she might, but I think I might just be blinded by our past.

 

Brother, you and I both know thats wishful thinking at best. People really dont change, they dont. We all make ourselves crazy hoping that we're going to end up one of the exceptions to the rule, but it almost never happens.

 

The look in her eyes and her voice are only something she does to play on your sympathies. You remind me a lot of me at one point, so let me share something with you.

 

When people realize that you are a good, kind hearted dude with a lot to offer, they'll either want to be with you (or be your friend), or they're going to try and use you. Its happened to me a million times, so Ive learned to catch on, but for the longest time, I did nothing but fall for peoples sob stories, pat them on the back when they were down, and I almost couldnt help but feel sorry. All that got me was women who used me, 'friends' who borrowed money and never paid it back, and I found myself bending over backwards for people that wouldnt give me the time of day if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Then one day, you realize that people either accept you and want to be a part of your life, or they dont. There is no middle ground, and you have to keep your boundries.

[CaliGuy]

My advice is to stick with your current G/F. Sounds like she is much better fit anyway. Besides, you've tried, several times with your ex and it keeps ending up in failure. What makes you think another go is going to work THIS time?

 

I say go with the new girl. At least she doesn't have a record of breaking things off with you.

[nolanola]

I have to disagree with some of the other posters here. I do think people can change - I know I have from who I was, say, 10 years ago. I don't however think that your ex-girlfriend has changed a whole lot. How do I know? Because if she had she wouldn't have freaked out immaturely when she realized you were dating someone new.

I think that the best thing you can do is tell your ex-girlfriend that you have started seeing someone new and that you want to see where it goes. Tell her that you won't be able to help her out as often or talk to her as much. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

I dated a guy in high school and college and I was terrible to him. I loved him, but we broke up several times (always my choice) because I wanted to date around. He even asked me to marry him. I wasn't ready to settle down - but I loved him very much. He was the first person that I loved. I didn't want to let him go because I think I stupidly (and immaturely) thought that he would always be there. Long story short, he finally moved on from me, met another girl, and married her. When I found out that he was moving on, I was devastated. You can say I deserved it, and I guess I did, but I truly thought that we would wind up together. These days we don't talk anymore.

So this is how I know that people change. This whole experience changed the way I saw relationships and made me grow up A LOT.

It sounds as though you guys don't work as boyfriend and girlfriend at this point in your lives. You definitely need to set some boundaries - I think that will probably help her grow up some.

[Lucky555]

I have to disagree with some of the other posters here. I do think people can change - I know I have from who I was, say, 10 years ago. I don't however think that your ex-girlfriend has changed a whole lot. How do I know? Because if she had she wouldn't have freaked out immaturely when she realized you were dating someone new.

I think that the best thing you can do is tell your ex-girlfriend that you have started seeing someone new and that you want to see where it goes. Tell her that you won't be able to help her out as often or talk to her as much. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

I dated a guy in high school and college and I was terrible to him. I loved him, but we broke up several times (always my choice) because I wanted to date around. He even asked me to marry him. I wasn't ready to settle down - but I loved him very much. He was the first person that I loved. I didn't want to let him go because I think I stupidly (and immaturely) thought that he would always be there. Long story short, he finally moved on from me, met another girl, and married her. When I found out that he was moving on, I was devastated. You can say I deserved it, and I guess I did, but I truly thought that we would wind up together. These days we don't talk anymore.

So this is how I know that people change. This whole experience changed the way I saw relationships and made me grow up A LOT.

It sounds as though you guys don't work as boyfriend and girlfriend at this point in your lives. You definitely need to set some boundaries - I think that will probably help her grow up some.

 

 

But you only realized what had happened after the fact of him getting married. I am sure you loved him but maybe not quite enough to say I am with you for the long term always, everyday so to speak.

[nolanola]

Yes, it's true. I changed as a result of what happened to me, just as most people do. I was in my early twenties and was immature. I freely admit that. I think that I was incapable of saying that I wanted to be with him for the long term, but it doesn't change the fact that I loved him very much. I think if I met him again at the point in my life, I would do things very differently. Why? Because I've realized that I'm not the center of the universe and what I stand to lose by not staying in the relationship. This is what I mean when I say that I've changed. How else does one learn if not from experience?

[Lucky555]

Yes, it's true. I changed as a result of what happened to me, just as most people do. I was in my early twenties and was immature. I freely admit that. I think that I was incapable of saying that I wanted to be with him for the long term, but it doesn't change the fact that I loved him very much. I think if I met him again at the point in my life, I would do things very differently. Why? Because I've realized that I'm not the center of the universe and what I stand to lose by not staying in the relationship. This is what I mean when I say that I've changed. How else does one learn if not from experience?

 

Right people learn from experiences and it helps them to discover what they want for the future. However, this guy is in a position where he will get his heart broken time and time again, he is better off making choices to benefit his wellbeing because his ex won't learn unless it actually happens and by that time he may have moved on with someone else. I think the way she is acting really reflects that she has not changed because she doesn't respect him or his relationship with a girl right now.

[david_ryan]

 

I guess my only hesitation is if she really grew up from her experiences and wants to commit. Something about the look and her eyes and tone in her voice says she might, but I think I might just be blinded by our past.

 

The new girl is going on holiday for the next three weeks so that will give me some good time to reflect on everything.

 

Really, if she grew from her experiences, she wouldn't have acted like a total explosive twit -- she broke it off, you were good to her. you even helped her when she was down. if she has grown, she would've know that she had no place having her melt-down in front of you, in front of the girl you have been free to be seeing. that is not growth, that is not healthy thinking. that is selfish, horrible behavior.

 

i don't like hearing "the new girl", it sounds disrespectful. and she sounds Awesome, and secure, and cooler than sh*t actually. don't be a bad man with bad decisions when "your new sweetie" leaves for 3 weeks. i only smell trouble, manipulation, and returns to unstability if you are not smart about this.

 

your ex sounds like a spoiled brat, she needs to suffer this badly to grow. you are crazy if you have ANY contact with her when your new sweetie is gone on holiday. don't spoil her ANYMORE, and spoil yourself instead. ALLOW the ex to go thru her misery & melt-downs WITHOUT you in anyway. you sound smart, and i sound preachy --but i smell 3 weeks of trouble, and i feel sorry your sweetie has to leave on holiday knowing of your past relationship drama is showing --throwing-- it's face.

 

if somehow in the stars you and your ex are destined, it is not now. it will be after she soul searches thru pain, goes to the gym, sees counseling, becomes understanding etc. right now she is still a spoiled brat, throwing tantrums in inappropriate places. she should be embarrassed, and she needs to find her own answers.

 

don't contact her during those 3 weeks!

[2sure]

You are not over your ex.

She only wants you back when you are with someone else.

This will continue , back & forth, until you are so sick of it you no longer find her or a relationship with her attractive.

 

If you arent there yet, you dont have enough to offer the woman at this time.

[nolanola]

Lucky, I totally agree with you. I was thinking about it and I think what I was trying to say was that people can change but usually it's not in the context of a relationship. In other words, when someone says "I'll change, I swear" to save a relationship or get out of an argument, it doesn't happen. There's no incentive for them to change. They need to experience something that makes them realize how their behavior is affecting others and their relationship. Usually that comes outside of the relationship - like from being dumped or being cut off.

I think you and David are totally right. This girl needs to grow up and needs to do it away from the relationship so that she isn't torturing the OP.

If you care about someone, sometimes the best thing you can do is let them go and try to move forward with your life. If they are meant to be back in your life, they will be and hopefully by that time you both will be in a different place.

[georgejungle]

Brother, you and I both know thats wishful thinking at best. People really dont change, they dont. We all make ourselves crazy hoping that we're going to end up one of the exceptions to the rule, but it almost never happens.

 

The look in her eyes and her voice are only something she does to play on your sympathies. You remind me a lot of me at one point, so let me share something with you.

 

When people realize that you are a good, kind hearted dude with a lot to offer, they'll either want to be with you (or be your friend), or they're going to try and use you. Its happened to me a million times, so Ive learned to catch on, but for the longest time, I did nothing but fall for peoples sob stories, pat them on the back when they were down, and I almost couldnt help but feel sorry. All that got me was women who used me, 'friends' who borrowed money and never paid it back, and I found myself bending over backwards for people that wouldnt give me the time of day if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Then one day, you realize that people either accept you and want to be a part of your life, or they dont. There is no middle ground, and you have to keep your boundries.

 

What BCCA said...So true.

 

People don't REALLY change. Maybe a little. But not

completely. I kept having to remind myself of that fact

when my Ex contacted me to apologize for leaving me

so many years ago when we were really young. I'm married

now, have a kid. My ex was my first love. Her email to me

sounded so inviting, said she changed so much, that she

was so, so sorry she hurt me years ago and had thought about

me the whole 10 years since we parted, blah, blah, blah.

Bottom Line, if you're happy now, stay with your current

girl. Don't ruin a good thing just because you're ex is calling

again.