newboyintown Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hello Love Shack posters, I am looking for a bit of advise on my girlfriend. We have been going out for about four months now. We are both 45 years old and she was in a long distance relationship when I met her. I had been committed to one night stands since my divorce last year, so I didn't complain when she told me about the other man, but we fell in love head over heals and now I am trying to get rid of the other man. Things seemed to be working out, she said she called it off WITH HIM because she loved me- and HE was a maried man and SHE didnt like being the other woman. She even took off the giant rock that the other man had gave her. Things are even more complicated by the fact that this is her second husband of four. She feels bad that she was a run away bride and put him in a mental home for a bit. Now she says that they are just friends and she is recieving text messages daily and sometimes in the middle of the night. No matter how much I ask her to stop the excessive text messages, they do not! All of this came to a head when she was invited to her nieces wedding in Kansas. I was invited but we would have to stay in different hotels to accomidate the wedding plans. The wedding was to take place just two hours away from where her long distance lover lives and it didnt take me long to figure out that she was going to visit him. When we were sitting in casual talk with her mother her sisters name came up and he mother said I dont have any daughters living in Kansas...so my girlfriend had to admit that she was secretly planing a trip to see her other lover. This is not the first lie I have caught her in but definatly the worst. Now, she is not going to the fake wedding but the excessive texts are getting worse, I cant sleep because he will text all hours of the day and night. I dont want to loose her, but now she is complaining that I have taken all the fun out of our relationship, by putting so many restrictions on her. All I want is a "normal" relationship with her. I dont want to share anymore. She knows it is wrong and but her deep remorse is counfounded by guilt feelings about being a run away bride, sending HIM to the funny farm and compounded by doing it again, even though HE is mairred with children. HELP!!!
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I cannot figure out anything you can do to change her...she obviously and clearly is enjoying what she is doing. I would go so far as to say she is enjoying exactly what she is doing to you. So, why would she start doing things differently?? You , on the other hand have options.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Sorry to say this, but you are the OM, not her husband. She was never yours to begin with, so please, think about walking away..Give her time alone to figure things out. If she truly loves you and wants you, she'll end her marriage and be with you. If you stick around and be the OM, she'll just continue to have two men meeting all her needs. Plus, you'll be second fiddle ALWAYS.
Gamine Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Don't try to turn a mule into a show pony. You fell head over heals in love with a woman who does not share your value system, may be completely incapable of being monogamous, does not respect or aspire to fidelity, lies, cheats on you, makes a fool out of you, uses you, and has sex with other men/man. She does not sound like someone I would hang my emotions on, nor does she sound like a catch at all. If you desire to have a broken heart, diminishment of your 'self', confusion, tears, self destruction, loneliness, grief, obsession and rejection... keep on loving her. My advice to you is that you either accept this woman for who and what she is... not who and what you want her to be... or move on and move on fast. You will not 'fix' her. She is what she is an she is a anamoly. She is a toxic person for any man who wants her for his. If you want to enjoy her... make it clear to her there are to be no emotions and have sex galore together. There's another saying that may be appropriate here.... "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". Move on and find a respectable woman. And chalk this up to an adventure.
norajane Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 All I want is a "normal" relationship with her. Then you will have to look elsewhere if you want a relationship where you are not sharing your gf with some other guy. You're not going to get that with her - she's been abundantly clear with you about that.
Lizzie60 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Wow.. I just can't figure out WHY people (men and women) put up with those lies, frustrations, pain, etc.. etc.. WTF is wrong with people... IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR SITUATION, GET OUT!!!!!! I can't stand 'doormats' who allow people to walk all over them.. and they choose to remain in that situation... in the name of 'love' ... give me a break.. this is NOT love.. she will never respect you cause she knows she can walk all over you... SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU... what part don't you understand.. :rolleyes::rolleyes: RUN!!!!! NOW
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Wow this woman is a Sloar!!!! You want a normal relationship find a woman who doesnt have so much baggage. Why accept her table scraps, what the hell are you getting out of it? Wow what a doormat! And to believe I was just like him.
tami-chan Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Hello Love Shack posters, I am looking for a bit of advise on my girlfriend. We have been going out for about four months now. We are both 45 years old and she was in a long distance relationship when I met her. I had been committed to one night stands since my divorce last year, so I didn't complain when she told me about the other man, but we fell in love head over heals and now I am trying to get rid of the other man. Things seemed to be working out, she said she called it off WITH HIM because she loved me- and HE was a maried man and SHE didnt like being the other woman. She even took off the giant rock that the other man had gave her. Things are even more complicated by the fact that this is her second husband of four. She feels bad that she was a run away bride and put him in a mental home for a bit. Now she says that they are just friends and she is recieving text messages daily and sometimes in the middle of the night. No matter how much I ask her to stop the excessive text messages, they do not! All of this came to a head when she was invited to her nieces wedding in Kansas. I was invited but we would have to stay in different hotels to accomidate the wedding plans. The wedding was to take place just two hours away from where her long distance lover lives and it didnt take me long to figure out that she was going to visit him. When we were sitting in casual talk with her mother her sisters name came up and he mother said I dont have any daughters living in Kansas...so my girlfriend had to admit that she was secretly planing a trip to see her other lover. This is not the first lie I have caught her in but definatly the worst. Now, she is not going to the fake wedding but the excessive texts are getting worse, I cant sleep because he will text all hours of the day and night. I dont want to loose her, but now she is complaining that I have taken all the fun out of our relationship, by putting so many restrictions on her. All I want is a "normal" relationship with her. I dont want to share anymore. She knows it is wrong and but her deep remorse is counfounded by guilt feelings about being a run away bride, sending HIM to the funny farm and compounded by doing it again, even though HE is mairred with children. HELP!!! You have to forgive me OP, but I am confused....please check the bolded phrases. Is your girlfriend married? and also seeing another man who used to be her husband? you said she was a run away bride, of whom? ANYWAY , if you can't be okay with this kind of behavior from your GF, then you must leave...dump her....or suffer in silence.
Citizen Erased Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Are you walking around with a permanent headache? Your post gave me one. Good Lord, leave. Now. Right now. Do not pass Go... If this is the best you can do for yourself, I feel sorry for you. She cheats, lies (and not very well may I add) and puts people in mental hospitals. She's should be the one in the padded room, she sounds nuts. Run baby, run.
taylor Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Sounds to me like you should have stuck to your commitment to one night stands. This woman is in love with the other married man. No, she doesn't like being the OW, but she still can't help her feelings. She is in love with him. She wants HIM. You are what she wants only because she can't have him. Is that the role you really want to play? I'd go back to one night stands. Don't get serious with anyone for awhile. You are still healing from your divorce.
Author newboyintown Posted June 4, 2009 Author Posted June 4, 2009 Hi Love Shack Posters, First I want to thank all of you for your input, it is all good and very close to my own conclusions. To answer one question both my GF and I are single, the other man in her life is married to someone else. The OM in her life is her second husband (runaway bride story), she divorced many years ago. I have broke up with her on 2 occasions, after which she would send me a message like: "Can I come home now?" ...and like a fool (as several of you correctly pointed out) I let her back in my life under the condition that she get rid of the other man. Your acute perception that something is wrong with her is completely valid. When I break up with her she goes into self destruct mode (we had been working on a reduction of alcohol intake) and she nearly lost her job. I cannot save the world or this girl from herself. As my dad used to say "All I need to do is get my mind above my belly button". I know now that I need to distance myself from her, and all of you have confirmed it. Now the quandary is how do I let her down easy and make it permanent? Thank you
norajane Posted June 4, 2009 Posted June 4, 2009 Just tell her that you've given her plenty of opportunity to be in an honest and loving relationship with you, and she's continued to make you feel like her back-up guy since she can't be with MM yet pursues him. So it's become clear that the two of you can't have the kind of relationship you want in your life, that she can't really give that to you. Wish her well and tell her that you'd prefer she not contact you anymore. Then stop calling her and stop taking her calls. We can't make you stick to that. Only you can do that.
wildsoul Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Your acute perception that something is wrong with her is completely valid. When I break up with her she goes into self destruct mode (we had been working on a reduction of alcohol intake) and she nearly lost her job. I was already thinking she sounds like a case of Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD.) I just went thru the ringer with my xMM who seems to have NPD traits. Look up those things online, k? IF it's true that she's one of those, then there is NO way to break up and let it go away easy. They completely freak out when "abandoned." They will abandon YOU by cheating and lying, but can't deal with it themselves. The drama factor is HUGE. The only way to deal with one of those types is to end it as swiftly as possible, then batten down the hatches so they can't contact and keep the drama going. They can go at it for a long time. Disappearing as they find a replacement part, but then bouncing back to see if they can get things started with you again. Sometimes months later. You've got to end it. It will make YOU crazy, if you don't.
KikiW Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Now the quandary is how do I let her down easy and make it permanent? Thank you "Hi. I no longer want to live like this. You need to move out now." And when she calls asking if she can come home now, you tell her "You don't live here, this is not your home." *click* She has already proved to be a liar and a cheater. Cut it off now and make it permanent. Good luck.
Reggie Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I agree with Wildsoul. She has a pesronality disorder. Just tell her you are done and brace yourself for the hoovering these folks do. If you are lucky, she will paint you black and move on to a new source of supply.
Author newboyintown Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 This is directed to Windsoul, I have read the referenced material and it seems to fit my X-GF’s diagnosis to the tee. I broke up with her yesterday, lets see what she has in store for the "Drama". After reading said material on borderline personality disorder in Wikipedia, it is quite extensive and not only served to diagnose her but also some of my own symptoms. Do you think I was attracted to her because she was much like myself? I had a very similar upbringing....for example she was brought up in the projects (low income housing) and I was brought up in hotels by an alcoholic mother. Luckily I was "saved" and 're-parented" by a family friend just before I turned 18. He really sent me through the ringer and at one time had said that I was incurably narcissistic. The material you pointed out has served me well and I will look toward the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine for help. I feel so different from my X-GF, but at the same time much the same. I have no suicidal tendencies, but I am still trying to figure out why I stayed around so long with an alcoholic, dope smoking cheater! Please make suggestions to my plight. I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I have many talents, have had my share of success and am now trapped in a menial telemarketing job that is going nowhere. I want to go back to school, but I am worried about wasting my time when I could be out there looking for clients for my translating profession. Sometimes I think I should be celibate for a bit and just concentrate on work, but I have a wondering eye that always messes things up for me. To be clear and concise, I don't know why I am attracted to the mentally ill??? Is there something wrong with me or am I just a horn dog? I read to my demise that the average male in the United States is with 15 women in their entire lives. I have been with at least as many in the last year! Although I was true to my girlfriend and have been true to all my X's for the last 10 years, I am still a little worried about promiscuity. So... I don't know if these are too many questions. But if you could give me an idea or a place to start on why I am attracted to women like this, please, let me know. Thanks.
Ariadne Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 we fell in love head over heals and now I am trying to get rid of the other man...she called it off WITH HIM because she loved me Doesn't sound like she fell head over heels with you, if she is still texting this guy day and night. Doesn't seem like she loved this guy either, if she did that to him before. Looks like is all games to her, I wouldn't take her seriously.
Author newboyintown Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Well, thank my lucky stars that what most of you predicted did not come true. I asked my EX-GF not to contact me, giving the reason that she had plenty of time to have a loving relationship with me (thanks for the words on same) and she gave up in just two little text messages. As a matter of fact, destiny brought us face to face two or three times at work and she didn't even say hi...Since then I have met 2 or 3 prospects to keep my mind off of her and nothing is working. I couldn't sleep last night and I am having a major pity party today, everything reminds me of her and I cant get her out of my mind even though I know to go back into her arms would be like throwing myself to the lions. Getting weak, can't hold on much longer. What can I do?
Sweet108 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It's obvious you care deeply for her. From what you wrote she has mental health and alcohol issues. I totally agree with the other posters who say run away, right now. Tell her you tried but it is no longer working for you wish her well and say good bye.
norajane Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Getting weak, can't hold on much longer. What can I do? Do you really like the idea of being one of the guys she's playing? When you find yourself wanting to contact her, just keep reminding yourself that she dropped you without a fight, and she's probably feverishly texting her other interests while you pine for her. Keep dating. You can't expect to find the right person after only going out on a few dates within a couple weeks.
Author newboyintown Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 You are right, she has plenty of men friends to keep her busy, and I don't want to be just another wolf in the pack. I am just old fashioned, I have no idea how to go into a relationship without giving my all. I am not afraid of giving my heart, but I should be.. I just want to extract her from my thoughts. Sometimes easier said than done. Last night I had a dream that she started dating other men at work... Thank you Loveshack posters! I will keep my resolve to NC and look for something better.
MistyK Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 You are right, she has plenty of men friends to keep her busy, and I don't want to be just another wolf in the pack. I am just old fashioned, I have no idea how to go into a relationship without giving my all. I am not afraid of giving my heart, but I should be.. I just want to extract her from my thoughts. Sometimes easier said than done. Last night I had a dream that she started dating other men at work... Thank you Loveshack posters! I will keep my resolve to NC and look for something better. Keep your resolve. You only miss the good times, and it sounds like they were far and few between, and artificial at best. She's been married 4 times and now messing around with her 2nd husband again. Commitment doesn't seem to be possible for her. Big red flag. I'd feel sorry for 2nd hubby too- she obviously isn't done messing with his head even now that's he's married to someone else. And when they get caught, she'll destroy his life once again. Knowing that, it doesn't sound like she has any REAL remorse for hurting him. Sad. You don't want to be that guy do you?
Reggie Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 If you have been in a relationship with a personality disordered person, it is par for the corse toquestion if you have a disorder, as well. Almost every single person I have spoke to or whose stroy I have read, faces this issue, as the PD person is very good at making others beleive everything is their fault. Also, in the depleted state one is in after dealing with such a person, you are vulnerable to this. Almost everyone has some of these PD traits to some extent. So, you start to magnify them and doubt yourself. The fact that you are raising the question of having a PD , alone, is a pretty good sign you do not have it. These PD folks look anywhere but within to account for issues. Also, on the similar background deal, not everyone with a chaotic childhood becomes personality disordred. There is a large hereditary component. And, many folks with chaotic backgrounds similar to PD's , are , in fact , the prime targets for PD people. The chaotic background seems to manifest itself in making the person fell less entitled and have less self esteem, which plays right into a PD's hands for manipulating, as the person cannot recognize abuse or has an unhealthy tolerance for it. Pd's are drawn to this type of person, ofttne lableled "co-dependant". Nice thing about this proiblem for the non PD is that it is amenable to therapy, unlike a personality disorder. And, the person with this problerm, typically, damages only himself rather than others(like a PD does). But, you mayneed therapy to get to the bottom of why you have this problem and how to avoid getting involved with a PD, again.
Author newboyintown Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 I want to than you all again and again for helping me over the "hump" as it were. I am so glad I did not call her and every day that passes, I feel a little bit less for her. I realized that dream I had about her dating other men at work was really my own Psyche talking to me about what she would feel like if I started dating other women at work. I have decided to look elsewhere. Never again will I do that to myself. I am also grateful for the deep analysis of my own thoughts. Now that I know that I am not necessarily attracted to PD women- but just the opposite, It will be easter for me to deal with. I will check into the possibility of therapy. Thanks again Love Shack Posters. You have made a difference in my life!
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