jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm new at this and just thought getting others opinions would help. So here's the situation. About 2 1/2 years ago, I met this guy and we started off as friends. He had a girlfriend but was having problems...on and off. During one of their breakups we ended up getting together. We continued to talk but then he said he was trying to make things work with the gf. Fine...whatever. We continued to be friends but it was hard. He said it was difficult on his part too cuz he really liked me...said he'd be with me if he wasn't with her...blah blah. From the things he told me about his relationship...I didn't think she was right for him...but that's his choice. So it got hard to be friends so we stopped talking. About 1 1/2 years later...he tracks me down and we start talking again. I find out that they had moved in together, got engaged last year, broke off the engagment a few months later and then broke up a few months after that. And then he moved back home. And what's funny is that he moved on the same day I moved into my new apt and we now live in the same area of the city. A few days later he contacted me and we started talking again. He told me that he didn't want anything serious and didn't want to get attached which I understood. But for about a month we were connected at the hip. It was like we were in a relationship. And then all of a sudden I find him pulling away and distancing himself from me. One night, he had gone out with his friends and the next day he told me he kissed a girl. It just went downhill from there. When I asked him about it he basically said that he does have feelings for me but he doesn't want to be in a relationship. We do still chat online every now and then but barely see each other. I see pictures of him and other girls and can't help but wonder if he just used me as a crutch to get over the initial loneliness of breaking up. He says that's not true and he really does have feelings for me. But how can he just set aside his feelings so easily? So what do you think? Do you think he's being sincere when he says he likes me and its just timing that's keeping us apart? Or do you think he's playin me?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 He isn't just playing you, he played you. Notice the past tense. You're no longer priority because other girls are in the picture. You're the second choice should he want someone to occupy his time. Stay away from him and break contact.
manugeorge Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I see pictures of him and other girls and can't help but wonder if he just used me as a crutch to get over the initial loneliness of breaking up. QUOTE] You answered your own question. He gravitated towards you in the first place because he was having problems in his relationship. It looks like you have always been a crutch to him. Sorry...
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, IMO, the important words to listen to are when he tells you he doesn't want anything serious and doesn't want to get attached and doesn't want to be in a relationship. His actions appear to support those words. If those words and actions contradict what you want with him, you're incompatible at this time. If you find him to not be supportive of your life and times, then he has no real purpose in your life, even as a friend. His existence is not enough, even though your attraction may make it seem so. If/when his actions/words align more with what you desire, then accept contact and reciprocate as you deem healthy. In the interim, just tell him that you and he aren't on the same page and you wish him well and then go NC.
MeMyself&I Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 He isn't just playing you, he played you. Notice the past tense. You're no longer priority because other girls are in the picture. You're the second choice should he want someone to occupy his time. Stay away from him and break contact. I'm sorry this happened to you but paperxcutx is right. He's a Dog! He uses you as his emotional and physical back-up/crutch whenever he needs it and uses the "poor me" I'm not ready for a relationship to justify his sh#tty behavior. And he will continue to do this as long as you let him. Now it is up to you to allow/disallow him to continue treating you this way. Break contact and if he ever approaches you ignore him. If you inadvertently run into him and can't ignore him say, "for me to allow you back in my life in ANY capacity would be justifying how you treated me was okay......and it wasn't" turn your back, walk away and never look back. I'm going through something similar. It sucks......why do people have to treat each other badly?
loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It really does suck. I'm so sorry you've been through this. I'll echo someone else's sentiments wondering why people have to be so crappy to one another. At best, you guys are on different pages. At worst, he used you knowingly, just didn't think about your feelings. Giving him another chance to be "friends" gives the message that what he did was okay. On some level, no matter what he might say, it would give him that message.
BCCA Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I never buy the 'bad timing' excuse anymore. Either someone wants you or they dont, and if they did - they certainly wouldnt drag their feet waiting for the perfect time, knowing they could easily lose you forever. In my younger days, I would try and be patient, and believe people just werent ready for a relationship right now, but then I learned that it wasnt that they werent ready for a relationship - its that they didnt want one with me, and never would. So to answer your question, your gut feeling was right on - you are his emotional crutch.
aiina Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm going through something similar. It sucks......why do people have to treat each other badly? Mostly because they are unable by themselves to make a relationship to work. If you pay atention, they usually came from 'on and off' relationships that they could never really make work (except for the 'on and off' addiction they seem to develop). Good thing is that there are other people out there that act completely different
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 i have learned in the past that actions speak louder than words. i just wish i could apply what i've learned to new experiences. and that is something we've talked about too...not being on the same page. so i guess it just can't work out now.
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 OP, IMO, the important words to listen to are when he tells you he doesn't want anything serious and doesn't want to get attached and doesn't want to be in a relationship. His actions appear to support those words. If those words and actions contradict what you want with him, you're incompatible at this time. If you find him to not be supportive of your life and times, then he has no real purpose in your life, even as a friend. His existence is not enough, even though your attraction may make it seem so. If/when his actions/words align more with what you desire, then accept contact and reciprocate as you deem healthy. In the interim, just tell him that you and he aren't on the same page and you wish him well and then go NC. i have learned in the past that actions speak louder than words. i just wish i could apply what i've learned to new experiences. and that is something we've talked about too...not being on the same page. so i guess it just can't work out now.
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 xpaperxcutx and manugeorge...i do know what you're saying...i guess its just a matter of me accepting it. as much as i've been hurt in the past, i still have hope that things will work out.
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I'm sorry this happened to you but paperxcutx is right. He's a Dog! He uses you as his emotional and physical back-up/crutch whenever he needs it and uses the "poor me" I'm not ready for a relationship to justify his sh#tty behavior. And he will continue to do this as long as you let him. Now it is up to you to allow/disallow him to continue treating you this way. Break contact and if he ever approaches you ignore him. If you inadvertently run into him and can't ignore him say, "for me to allow you back in my life in ANY capacity would be justifying how you treated me was okay......and it wasn't" turn your back, walk away and never look back. I'm going through something similar. It sucks......why do people have to treat each other badly? if only i had the strength to say that and walk away!!!! it does suck and i'm sorry you are going through it too. this guy seemed like a good guy...got goals, close to his family, done with the party scene, more of a home body, sweet, funny, etc...but i guess looks can be deceiving!
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 It really does suck. I'm so sorry you've been through this. I'll echo someone else's sentiments wondering why people have to be so crappy to one another. At best, you guys are on different pages. At worst, he used you knowingly, just didn't think about your feelings. Giving him another chance to be "friends" gives the message that what he did was okay. On some level, no matter what he might say, it would give him that message. I think its a little of both...we are on different pages and he probably did use me a little to get over a bad time in his life. i'm happy that i was there for him but i should have just kept it at a friendship level.
Author jugnu222 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I never buy the 'bad timing' excuse anymore. Either someone wants you or they dont, and if they did - they certainly wouldnt drag their feet waiting for the perfect time, knowing they could easily lose you forever. In my younger days, I would try and be patient, and believe people just werent ready for a relationship right now, but then I learned that it wasnt that they werent ready for a relationship - its that they didnt want one with me, and never would. So to answer your question, your gut feeling was right on - you are his emotional crutch. i hear you're point and questioned my situation too...if he really wanted me then who cares that he just got out of a relationship?! but is it really that black and white? maybe he knows that he's not emotionally stable to take on another relationship. maybe he does have feelings but doesn't want to act on them in fear of messing up our relationship.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, IMO, if he was/is intrinsically emotionally stable, he would show it through clarity of action, even in times of stress. His waffling and inconsistency speak volumes. If he truly loved you and felt connected to you, that ray of light would shine through the fog of all the other drama going on. It would be clear.
lora22 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 maybe he knows that he's not emotionally stable to take on another relationship. maybe he does have feelings but doesn't want to act on them in fear of messing up our relationship. That's wishful thinking and you're making excuses or him. Plain and simple, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.
Trialbyfire Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 jugnu, I don't think he used you, since he was pretty straight-forward with where he stood. The two of you had/have a major discrepancy in what you wanted, which is no one's fault, just a matter of incompatibility. I think he does care about you but not in the way you need. Walk away. Don't tie him up into your self-esteem.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 jugnu, I don't think he used you, since he was pretty straight-forward with where he stood. The two of you had/have a major discrepancy in what you wanted, which is no one's fault, just a matter of incompatibility. I think he does care about you but not in the way you need. Walk away. Don't tie him up into your self-esteem. Would this be where the saying " the people we care about the most are the ones that hurt us the most" comes into play?
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 IMO, the key thing here is, after 2 1/2 years as "friends", was/is this guy really a friend? Did he give of himself as a friend to a friend? OP? I haven't heard that answer yet.... Calling you up for sex or to use you as an emotional tampon does not count
BCCA Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 i hear you're point and questioned my situation too...if he really wanted me then who cares that he just got out of a relationship?! but is it really that black and white? Yes, it really is that black and white. If he wanted to make things work, he would explain that. But he's just putting up roadblocks, and look...in all this time of knowing him, its always been something. Either he had a gf or just got out of a relationship, isnt ready...all excuses. What he is really saying is that he's never going to be able to give you what you want, but doesnt mind leaning on you in times of need. maybe he knows that he's not emotionally stable to take on another relationship. maybe he does have feelings but doesn't want to act on them in fear of messing up our relationship. No offense, but thats downright nonsensical. Wouldnt it be risking messing up your relationship to make you wait an undetermined amount of time, kiss other girls, and tell you he isnt looking for a relationship? Of course, and all those things are much more determental to a possible relationship between you two than being fresh out off a breakup. I know you want to believe him, because its either that or admit youve been misled, but if you really think about it, he's made it clear several times that he isnt interested in being your boyfriend. Fine, but cut him off. Dont let him use you as a crutch any longer. Your needs arent being met, end of story.
Trialbyfire Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Would this be where the saying " the people we care about the most are the ones that hurt us the most" comes into play?More like "we stuff our ears full of wax when we don't want to hear what people are telling us".
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