mogul Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 so we had set up a time to meet last thursday, confirmed weds night, and thurs afternoon get a call from her that she has a last minute work meeting. I believe that to be a legitimate excuse as her job industry is quite demanding. however, i rationalized that it was nice of her to atleast call to cancel and she did immeadiately set up another day and sounded apologetic.due to me being quite busy as well, the next free day was monday. again, she called and apologized, but automatically rescheduled as well. i am at the point where i don't have time to waste and contemplating ignoring her. does it seem like she is just being flakey, lack of interest, or the fact that she is apologetic and actually makes tenative plans and reschedules on the spot means she is legit busy. i would like to think that if she did not want to meet up, she could have easily said she was busy and that she would call me when she was free.? thing is, we confirm the day before, and day of meeting she calls to reschedule. thoughts are much appreciated. thanks... btw.. what is my best course of action?
eiithan Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You can just ask her and decide. She could be one of the workaholics and if you're not comfortable with her lifestyle, I think there will be more problems and frustrations in the future.
loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 opinions? -thanks. It doesn't matter what the reason on her part. What matters is how it makes you feel. Some people put up with crazy schedules and canceled dates from partners. My feeling is it comes down to priorities. I know that plenty of people put career first. Is this a quality that you find appealing? To me, repeated last-minute canceling is rude. You set aside YOUR VALUABLE TIME for her. She should respect your time. She is saying that your time is less important than hers.
Star Gazer Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Games = not good. Lack of interest = not good. So, does it really matter which it is?
amaysngrace Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 How apologetic was she the second time around? Because that is your indicator. I know if I had to break two dates in a row the second time I did it I would feel really bad for doing it again. Did she seem sincere in her apology or did it seem like it was no big deal for her to have to break plans and reschedule?
lora22 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I had two jobs when I was getting my masters, as well as a social life - I was wicked busy. For a guy I was really interested in, I could still find the time. When/if I had to CX a date, I definitely knew further in advance than the day of (after confirming the day before - WTH!?!), and had the courtesy to CX or reschedule several days in advance. When it got to the point where I just couldn't handle any extra commitments - I stopped dating until my schedule opened up a little bit more.
Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Let me get this straight: she cancels one date for a reason you consider legitimate. she leaves a message where she offers to reschedule. you propose, by message, Monday. She cannot make Monday but she offers again to reschedule. Honestly? It just sounds to me like you are two busy people. If she wasn't interested or if she was playing games she wouldn't offer to reschedule. What I would do is tell her: "I'd love to reschedule. What days are good for you?" Ball in her court.
Author mogul Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 it was actually all by phone, and each time she canceled she would instantly suggest a different day.
Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 it was actually all by phone, and each time she canceled she would instantly suggest a different day. so talking to each other? So you agreed on a reschedule for monday and then she changed the plans again?
amaysngrace Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Let me get this straight: she cancels one date for a reason you consider legitimate. she leaves a message where she offers to reschedule. you propose, by message, Monday. She cannot make Monday but she offers again to reschedule. Where did you get all this information?
alphamale Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 ... btw.. what is my best course of action? move on to someone who is interested...
Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Where did you get all this information? That was me trying to make sense of the original post. however, i rationalized that it was nice of her to atleast call to cancel and she did immeadiately set up another day and sounded apologetic.due to me being quite busy as well, the next free day was monday. again, she called and apologized, but automatically rescheduled as well.
amaysngrace Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 That was me trying to make sense of the original post. Sleep well then.
Author mogul Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 if i were to just cancel completely, and suggest i call her when im free. it would basically be the end of it unless she suggests another meeting? would that mean she is quite interest? she also apologized and acknowledged that she has been very busy and canceling. mean anything ? thanks.
lora22 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 ...so she suggests another meeting, you agree...aaaand drum roll...she cancels and tries to reschedule again. My very best advice is to just forget it. Since you don't seem willing to do that, I would suggest giving her an ultimatum. Something along the lines of, you're wasting my time with all this rescheduling bulls**t, you get one more chance, and if you reschedule again, I'm moving on. But nicely of course.
Author mogul Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 i am not a pushover.... just liked to start by saying that. however, im super rationalizing. is it good that she seemed very apologetic, and instead of just saying she was busy and canceling, decided to apologize and reschedule with tenative plans and acknowledge that she was flakey and will try to make it for sure.? how interested does she sound or lack there of?
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 all I can say is that there was the scheduling and cancelling thing going on with me and one guy recently - all the scheduling and cancelling done on his part. Finally went on the date, then he scheduled up both going to an event and at the last minute said he wasn't sure if he was going to come, then said he would, then cancelled again. I could push him to meet up again and keep in touch, but honestly I can't be bothered. Another friend of mine met a guy, when on the date sparks flying blah blah, but when not with the guy he never called, didn't reply to texts, was busy with jobs and college etc. My friend decided to stop being the one pursuing and see what this guy did, if he really liked him then despite being busy he would keep up contact...no more contact. So...do try to go on a date with this woman, you'll have to figure out yourself whether her rescheduling is an indication of genuinely having no time right now or if it's lack of interest (sorry to say, but in my mind it's usually lack of interest). But as someone said if she is genuinely so career-orientated is that someone who you could have in your life, snatched meals together, hurried conversations and so on?
lora22 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 i am not a pushover.... just liked to start by saying that. however, im super rationalizing. Na, I don't think you're a pushover! I just think that it sounds like you're more interested than she is, and that even though she's "apologetic" she's being rude. I had a guy do this to me once, I got fed up because I was busy too, but was making the time...so finally I just said to him "Look, I'm really busy too, and this is getting a little annoying, because I have to work this into my schedule too, blah blah blah." So we set a date and he stuck to it. That said, I agree with paddington and everyone else who's basically saying that this behavior is an indicator of what it would be like to be dating this woman, or in a relationship with her. Is her schedule going to lighten up in the foreseeable future?
Author mogul Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 She suggested a day after the most recent time she canceled,(pretty sure she would not of rescheduled as she apologized alot and said she would make every effort to clear her schedule) i was a bit annoyed and was not about to cancel a date with another woman so i just told i was busy and that ill let her know when im free. i intentionally tried to make it sound bitter. In retrospect, should of handled it differently. She has not responded. Is this basically done? Contemplating calling her in a few days. -thanks to all who have been responding, you have all been quite informative/helpful.
lora22 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 i intentionally tried to make it sound bitter. In retrospect, should of handled it differently. She has not responded. Is this basically done? Contemplating calling her in a few days. -thanks to all who have been responding, you have all been quite informative/helpful. Awwh why would you wanna sound bitter?? There's nothing wrong with telling her you're a little annoyed about all the CXing and rescheduling...but you also want her to think good things about you...and how amazing and happy you are, and she doesn't have that much of an effect on you anyways...and so on! If I were her, (depending on how you came across; she may not have caught on? sounds like that's probably not the case though) I would be done with you, but that's just me. If you really want to go out with her, and you think that she'll actually make it at some point, and you don't mind the games and whatnot...then I wouldn't wait a few days to call. I would just text her and apologize if your tone came off wrong, you were just distracted about something else...say it's definitely annoying to ahve to always resched, but I would like to see you if you're ever free, so let me know.
girl68 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I'd give her one more shot. 3 strikes your out right? At the very least at least she's reschedualing. But it's not looking good to be honest. I mean even if she saves herself the next date. Do you give her 3 more strikes? Or does she just have the one chance left forever. Likely even if you get one date, the chances she does this on the second at third date are very likely. Or if you really do like her, just keep on making plans at her convience but don't ever rely on them. Don't actually block off that time. If a friend invites you to a party... say maybe... If another girl comes along... go with it.
Kamille Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Awwh why would you wanna sound bitter?? There's nothing wrong with telling her you're a little annoyed about all the CXing and rescheduling...but you also want her to think good things about you...and how amazing and happy you are, and she doesn't have that much of an effect on you anyways...and so on! If I were her, (depending on how you came across; she may not have caught on? sounds like that's probably not the case though) I would be done with you, but that's just me. If you really want to go out with her, and you think that she'll actually make it at some point, and you don't mind the games and whatnot...then I wouldn't wait a few days to call. I would just text her and apologize if your tone came off wrong, you were just distracted about something else...say it's definitely annoying to ahve to always resched, but I would like to see you if you're ever free, so let me know. Yeah - I'm someone who's prone to rescheduling (although not as often as this woman!) and the bitterness would have been a red flag to me, especially if we have never gone out. Basically, this is how I roll: I try to keep a date, but might cancel once. If I'm interested in the guy, I will offer an alternative day. If he can't make it, then I expect him to offer an alternative one until we find a day that suits us both. Then I make sure I show up. If, at any point during this process, he shows signs of impatience... well... you know what? To me, it's a sign of incompatibility. I am busy, won't always be available when it suits my partner, so better to find out before the first date that this is a source of anxiety for him then three weeks in. I'll be perfectly candid: I cancelled the first scheduled date with my current bf because I was exhausted after a long tough week. I figured that since I could hardly keep my eyes open, I wouldn't be a really good date. I was interested in him, but since we had never gone out and were basically strangers to each other, I didn't feel like I was really risking much. Now, two months in, I wouldn't dream of missing a date for the world. My point is this: trying to evaluate interests levels before a first date even occurs is like trying to evaluate if you like a job before even going to the interview. There's no way you can actually know until you show up. Evaluating interests levels shouldn't be so much of a priority that it makes you bitter at this point.
Trialbyfire Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 If you really want to take another shot at it, which I'm not certain is worthwhile, call her and TELL her that you'd like to take her for dinner on Saturday night, this weekend. If she balks, just be cool and TELL her that you'll catch her later. If she tries to set up another day, explain to her that Saturday is the only time you're free, due to a busy schedule but you'll catch her later. Then cut the convo short and leave it at that. What this does, is say to her that if she wants to see you, it will now be on your terms, not her flaky terms and she's going to have to step up to the plate if she wants to see you. If she doesn't call back to sched Saturday, then you know she's not interested or interested enough. If she calls back and tries to sched another day, further in the future, just tell her you're busy except for Saturday night. Hold to your boundaries.
Recommended Posts