Bunny2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Is it a guy thing, not to emotionally support your Girlfriend? When I love someone, I care about them, ask questions, talk and am there for them. Are guys like this?
Krytie TV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 As a whole we can tend to be this way, but it is not a required quality to be a man. Once again, I think you are falling into the trap of making gender the qualifier when, in fact, it is an emotional quality that transcends gender. I have had many girlfriends who were not entirely capable of providing emotional support. So essentially, there is no easy answer. No, it's not just guys. It's people who are incapable of providing adequate emotional support.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 My X could be a little standoffish, but not completely turned off like you're talking about. And my current BF is not like that at all. Usually the first thing out of his mouth when we get on the phone is asking what I'm doing, how I'm doing, or something in regards to what I was going to be doing since the last time I talked to him. The guy remembers and is very considerate. So I'm going to say, no - not just a "guy" thing.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 A good question to ask is "Is this guy emotionally supportive of anyone and, if not, can I accept that? If he is, but not of me, can I accept that?" Some men (and women) are just takers emotionally or, more insidiously, don't really care (or have the capacity to care) about a partner/spouse . I was married to one. Don't be me
AlektraClementine Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 My boyfriend is very supportive. Never is standoffish when it comes to my emotions. Not always the brightest candle on the cake but his willingness to try is worth way more to me. He doesn't pretend to "get" women. He just listens and offers emotional support. His goal is to learn me. I've had boyfriends who were not like this. Many, in fact. And my boyfriend has said that he's never tried this hard to be a rock for someone. So maybe part of it is just loving the right person. I don't really know.
shadowplay Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 A good question to ask is "Is this guy emotionally supportive of anyone and, if not, can I accept that? If he is, but not of me, can I accept that?" Some men (and women) are just takers emotionally or, more insidiously, don't really care (or have the capacity to care) about a partner/spouse . I was married to one. Don't be me Did you get a divorce, Carhill?
GorillaTheater Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 My boyfriend is very supportive. Never is standoffish when it comes to my emotions. Not always the brightest candle on the cake but his willingness to try is worth way more to me. He doesn't pretend to "get" women. He just listens and offers emotional support. His goal is to learn me. I think this describes me pretty well: I want to be supportive, but I'm sometimes (often?) unsure of how or when to be supportive. But I try, and she knows it.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Did you get a divorce, Carhill?It's California, no-fault and we're negotiating. Topically, emotional support from either gender should be well-received in a healthy relationship. Such by a man should be considered strength rather than weakness, IMO. Healthy interdependence builds intimacy and fosters those elemental connections which last a lifetime. Don't settle...
Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Not a guy thing - but not always en engrained personality trait either. I've had four meaningful relationships so far in my life. Two of those were with men who felt that I wasn't providing enough emotional support. I thought I did. I realize now that, fundamentally, we were just imcompatible. The reason they needed more then I offered was because there were major areas of insecurity in the relationships. When my last R was failing, a friend recommanded I check out a book called the five languages of love. The author basically says that we all show love and care in different ways - and that a lot of couples struggle when they fail to recognize this. It might be worth a try.
lora22 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It's California, no-fault and we're negotiating. sorry to hear that! Topically, emotional support from either gender should be well-received in a healthy relationship. Such by a man should be considered strength rather than weakness, IMO. Healthy interdependence builds intimacy and fosters those elemental connections which last a lifetime. Don't settle... I think this is a great statement, and something that I need to be reminded of sometimes, so thanks for sharing! Not saying that someone (men and women are guilty of this) who isn't emotionally supportive is abusive, but I was in therapy for quite awhile after finally getting out of an emotionally/verbally/starting to be physically abusive relationship for good (yay me). After that experience, I will not "settle" for someone who isn't emotionally supportive - for me it's a red flag of something that I won't deal with again.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 IMO, when it comes to intimacy, a vacuum (lack of emotion/support) can be just as damaging as an obvious negative space (emotional abuse). Think of an extreme version of that, when a child is neglected emotionally during their formative years and the psychological damage which that does. Sometimes such children grow up to be the adults who suck the emotional life out of others. Fair warning and been there. My personal situation has been a long time coming and the emotional component has mostly passed. I do appreciate the support, however. As I found out during the time I cared for my mother, as well as now, one discovers who their true friends are in such times of personal crisis and grief. I've been very fortunate. I hope the OP finds such fortune and doesn't settle for anything less.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 A good question to ask is "Is this guy emotionally supportive of anyone and, if not, can I accept that? If he is, but not of me, can I accept that?" Some men (and women) are just takers emotionally or, more insidiously, don't really care (or have the capacity to care) about a partner/spouse . I was married to one. Don't be me I hate to break it to you bro, but more than likely she wasn't incapable of emotion. And I'm sure she has the capacity to care ... just not about YOU. I know this first hand based on my own experiences and countless experiences of people just like me (men and woman than some of you may call ... "players"?) I'd like to think the majority of human beings have the ability to feel a full gamut of emotions, save for extreme social conditions. However, significant happenings during our development and variable social influences can impact our level of commitment. (You should know this Mr. Everyone Is Borderline, Therapist). Guys certainly tend to be more guarded. So its not that people are incapable, but they just need to be inspired, nurtured or sometimes provoked to let down their guard and commit emotionally. More than likely, it was something you did (or didn't do) that caused her emotional valve to stay in the off position. Same goes for the OP. Instead of nagging an emotional commitment out of a man, you should be concentrating on ways to make yourself easier to support emotionally. In my travels, I have found that the needier women tend to become more and more needy which causes me to move further away emotionally until the gap between us is insurmountable. The one woman in my life that was independent and less needy got the ultimate emotional commitment from me ... a wedding ring.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 If you want to get into a pissing match with me, do it offline. You're just a young punk and I know real well how to handle kids like you. Words to the wise.
cappygirl26 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I don't think any (reasonable) guy in a relationship is trying to not be supportive. I think it depends on how emotionally demanding you are. People vary.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You don't know anything about my marriage so you're just probing. Not going to get you anywhere. One more time and you go bye-bye.
Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I think there is room for both. Like Glenn, I tend to be emotionally garded, and the more one pressures me to give emotional support, the more I run. I am, however, completely capable of giving emotional support. But I do think Carhill has a point: there are also people out there who have deeper issues then just being emotionnally garded. And then, there is a third possibility: the OP and her partner are simply not understanding each other's displays of love and affection. The bottom-line is: if the OP feels that she isn't getting the support that she needs, she needs guidance in either accepting her situation or coping skills to leave what could become an emotionally draining situaiton. I don't feel we have enough information yet to know which way she should go. Sounds to me like the original post was more of a rant - perhaps linked to one perticular incident.
amaysngrace Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Is it a guy thing, not to emotionally support your Girlfriend? When I love someone, I care about them, ask questions, talk and am there for them. Are guys like this? If someone is emotionally available they will be there for you. If they aren't they won't be. Not because they don't want to be, mostly because they can't be. You can't give something if you don't have it to give. I don't think it makes a whole lot of difference if it's a guy or a girl. Some people have it and some people don't. Emotions are frail. Today someone may be able to give you what you need but tomorrow not so much depending on what they have going on in their lives. I'm sure you've felt that way. Some days you are on top of the world and can listen and help others but other days are more draining due to stress or tough emotional times you may be going through or whatever. Those days you have nothing left to give. It fluctuates. Try to avoid those who leave you feeling drained often though. They lack balance and can suck the life right out of you if you don't keep your own emotions in check.
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I don't think it's gender specific, but I will say that my last boyfriend was one of the least emotionally capable men I've ever known. I am highly independent and pretty much the opposite of needy, yet he was still unable to offer the most basic level of emotional support. My ex sounds like carhill's. And then I'm sure there are people who are like what Glenn describes.
BobSacamento Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I think Quagmire makes a good point. Men are not robots. Men have emotions just like anyone else and can be supportive just like anyone else. But we do put up walls in order to not look weak. You think I go out with my buddies and talk about my feelings on a weekly basis? It's incredibly foreign to me. So to expect men to actively seek out and give emotional support is pretty hilarious frankly.
carhill Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I've noted seeing more emotional openness and support as my male peer group of friends has grown older. Most are 50-65 now. Mortality and life experience changes one's self-image and priorities. A few long term male friends even share ILY's between us and talk about really painful stuff, like parents and children dying. Males have great capacity to connect emotionally.....when they feel safe doing so. Finding that space is what the OP might need to do.
dark1san Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I personally feel like if I ask my gf what she is doing every time I talk, or text her that I'm being too nosey, I do ask her how her day is, wish her a good nites sleep when we talk before we head to bed, and show my feelings whether something bad has happened to her or something good has happened. So no not all guys are like that, there are some of us who know how to show emotions.
Recommended Posts