Bunny2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I need some help. Am I over reacting and reading too much into the situation? Please give me some advice and your opinion please. I am female/39, I've never been married, no kids and this is my 2nd (ever) relationship (late bloomer). My Boyfriend is 37 and the same way (2nd relationship too). We met 3 months ago at a dance class, he asked me out for a coffee and then dinner. He is a very shy-guy. We hardly spoke over dinner and he drove me home without a kiss or anything, just a 'bye'. I gave him more time and was patient with him. We started to date after that. In the beginning he was so well mannered; he bought me flowers, bought dinner (not at a restaurant, but take-out). he was polite, held-hands, kissed me, listened to me, asked questions. He LOVED to cuddle! But ... he had NO interest in sex!!! I was dumbfounded, confused and in disbelief. He was fine with cuddling. I told him that a relationship needs to have the passion and sex is very important (I have a high sex drive). I waited, I was patient, we cuddled. I gave him compliments and restored his confidence in his "size". I went with him to the Doctors for a medical to rule anything out. Basically, I was there for him. Now, he is VERY interested in sex. Loves it, we do lots of fun things together. Sometimes it doesnt work, but I reassure him, that cuddling is fine. The problem is: he has changed and I dont like it. Its not about the sex. He seems to have lost his good manners that attracted me to him. In 3 months we have been out to dinner once (first date) and 1 movie. I'm not interested in being wined and dined, thats not me. But I feel that he has stopped 'dating' me and that we are just friends with sex. I go to his house on the weekends and stay over Fri, sat and sun. He's a true bachelor, with nothing to eat in the fridge. When we go grocery shopping he buys the cheapest of the cheap 50% reduced food. He makes good money and owns his own house. Last weekend, he refused to buy anything but no-name hotdogs for me for dinner. Plus, he wouldn't buy me any veggies (he refuses to eat them)...I had to buy them. Once we went out for ice-cream as he wanted some big brownie sundae with syrup and whip cream...for himself. He 'told' me that I could have a small 1 scoop sundae instead. He sat beside me eating this gigantic sundae all by himself. I tried not to look sad, as I felt controlled. I have decided to stay home on the weekends as I wont put up with bad behaviour. I want him to date me, not become complacent with me at his house every weekend, getting his now enjoyable sex. He has told me that he wants me to move in and had mentioned doing things together next Christmas. I will be meeting his parents next month and have already met his Sister. I'm worried that these are small things that will escalate over time. Being cheap with food, especially since we are at the age of disease prevention is very important to me. What do you think?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Yeah if you move in, you won't be the live- in gf, you'll be the live- in maid. You've reached the point where you've became a doormat and his true character is showing. Be a b1tch. Know the book? Ignore him, be your own woman. If he craps all over you, you return the favor.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Once we went out for ice-cream as he wanted some big brownie sundae with syrup and whip cream...for himself. He 'told' me that I could have a small 1 scoop sundae instead. He sat beside me eating this gigantic sundae all by himself. I tried not to look sad, as I felt controlled. Maybe someone else can shed some light on this, but this SCREAMS red flag to me. That is a MAJOR sign of controlling. What is he, your father? YOU can have a scoop of ice cream, but HE can have a sundae? LMAO...I mean, the situation itself is ludicrous - I would have told him where to shove the cone. My goodness. The only reason I'm as concerned about this is because it's the small, everyday things that give you a hint as to how he'll handle the bigger things. I would NOT tolerate this well at all. Nobody freaking tells me what to do - especially not some guy. Good heavens. 3 months and he's already directing you.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Inept and immature. Simple as that. You're not his teacher. I was shy and a late bloomer and never treated women that way. His behaviors IMO have more to do with his personality than any shyness or lack of relationship experience. Simply, he wants to live his bachelor life as he always has with someone around to give him sex. And he's cheap to boot. IMO, at 39, you deserve more refinement and gentlemanly behavior than that. Just sayin'
era Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Wow..I mean WOW. He tells you what to eat??.. Aren't his actions and words indicative of a control freak? I think so. I would have told him exactly where he can stick his no-name weiners...
Author Bunny2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 We had a long chat last night. Yes I have read both "Why Men Love Bitches" books ... and really understand that it works. I wont put up with bad behaviour and I told him this. I also told him that I cant tell him what to eat, but "I" will not subject myself to 'crap' food. I explained how his choice of offering me cheap quality food meant that I was cheap and not worth something better. He thought the issue was just about price, not the quality of ingredients. I told him that being cheap is a deal-breaker for me, just as being controlling is to. I told him that I want to be treated as an equal. Before our chat I told him that I am staying home on the weekend and he was confused but didnt ask why. Later I told him that we had become too complacent with me being at his house and us not dating. If he misses me he will have to call and ask to go out and come and pick me up. This will make him realize that he took me for granted when I was at his place on the weekends. I will wait and see how he responds to all of this. Thanks for your comments.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 We had a long chat last night. Yes I have read both "Why Men Love Bitches" books ... and really understand that it works. I wont put up with bad behaviour and I told him this. I also told him that I cant tell him what to eat, but "I" will not subject myself to 'crap' food. I explained how his choice of offering me cheap quality food meant that I was cheap and not worth something better. He thought the issue was just about price, not the quality of ingredients. I told him that being cheap is a deal-breaker for me, just as being controlling is to. I told him that I want to be treated as an equal. Before our chat I told him that I am staying home on the weekend and he was confused but didnt ask why. Later I told him that we had become too complacent with me being at his house and us not dating. If he misses me he will have to call and ask to go out and come and pick me up. This will make him realize that he took me for granted when I was at his place on the weekends. I will wait and see how he responds to all of this. Thanks for your comments. Well at least you were upfront with him, and I hope you didn't came off as nagging. I honestly don't have much high hopes for him since no men wants to be confronted that they're cheap so if he doesn't respond in a day or two then you know he's a coward and he's avoiding you. I woud sit back and date other people and ignore him completely from then on. Men respond when you're igoring them. High hopes are that he will come crawling back in a two weeks. If not, then you will have already moved on.
stepka Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 I tend to agree w/ carhill that this is probably more of a personality issue than anything to do w/ how he feels about you. But, you're going to have to decide whether you can deal with this, b/c these things don't go away w/ a "talk." My dad was cheap w/ food all of his life and I grew up eating some of the crappiest food you can imagine and his goal was to get the grocery bill down to zero. His happiest day was when the grocery store paid him to take some groceries away.(that really happened--we ate poorly that week) Also, you have some control issues here with this one, and that doesn't go away either, so you'll really just need to choose--don't even think you can fix this guy.
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