computergeek7829 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Ok im new here but im gonna try this on a suggestion from the mrs. Not exactly sure where to post this so ill just do it here and see where it goes and where im led. About 7 years ago before my wife and I were married, I had an "emotional affair" on the computer...She was pregnant with our second child and we were hiding it because our first was a year old and we were staying with my parents, they dont believe in sex before marriage and we were already "shacking up". We were young, 24 (me) and 20. We were having communication issues, she was always cranky and wouldnt talk or listen to me, i would in turn retreat into myself. I started working at the library, and during my downtime i would play pool on Yahoo. Well during a game I struck up a conversation with a girl that stayed halfway across the country from us, like the equivalent of going from florida to texas. Anyway, being that I was young I had just recently started using the computer and I was enamored with it. I could pretend. Yeah I know its deplorable but it was what it was at the time. I would tell people all kinds of things because I liked the shock factor and the conversation. Well this particular person I talked to everyday on the computer at work, and one day I told her to give me her address because I was going to come and see her. The only thing I really knew for a fact about her was her first name. I should have NEVER said that either way because of the lying period but also because it was just not true. I had no intention of going I believe I just wanted to feel good about myself, and if she got excited about that idea(which she did) then I had gotten what I wanted. To make matters crazier, we didnt even have a car let alone the money for me to be traveling across country, I have only still ever visited the surrounding states. Well this day my fiance (now my wife) comes to pick me up and she sat down at my desk to wait while I closed up. She saw the line of im-ing, and she sat on it because we were going to the movies that night. After the movies it started, adn ended with me in the hospital because I had tried to get her attention by using knives to poke myself and get her to listen. Yeah I know it was dramatic and stupid, and they will not let you just leave the hospital when you do something like that. I wont do something that cowardly ever again. She had called off everything and was plannig on leaving me but she stayed while I was in the hospital. When I got out she stayed because she didnt want her family to thiink I was crazy, because the fact that she had gotten pregnant at 19 was aproblem enough. So we got married , and we have had talks about the affair, but she always says that I havent put forth the effort of finding out how to help her heal. I never even thought of the affair as serious which is why for a long time I felt like she was being irrational. It took years of her being on this site (shes never posted about us just read and related) and Surviving Infidelity for me to realize that yes although there was limited contact it was still a betrayal. Regardless of if i felt i could talk to her or not I should not have taken that conversation that far to satisfy my own ego. That was extremely Narcissistic. Well here we are 7 years later and she still triggers and we just had a "discussion" where I learned that I still wont talk like she wants me to about it or look up ways to help her find healing so she just pushed it down and outta sight outta mind. But she shows resentment towards me and has already told me she'll never trust me again. What do I do?
Krytie TV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 To be kind, I suggest starting by using paragraphs. I refuse to read walls of text and there are others who are the same. You will get a better response perhaps.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Get to marriage counselling, together and apart. She needs to find a way to deal with this, and learn to trust you again... That is, if staying married is what you both want. She has resentment built up and you can help by showing her not only in words, but in actions, how much you love her. Date her, make her feel loved and special. Bring her flowers, her favourite candy/foods, leave her love notes, make her feel sexy.. Obviously whatever you two have is still there, otherwise she would have been out the door a while ago.
Author computergeek7829 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Ok im new here but im gonna try this on a suggestion from the mrs. Not exactly sure where to post this so ill just do it here and see where it goes and where im led. About 7 years ago before my wife and I were married, I had an "emotional affair" on the computer...She was pregnant with our second child and we were hiding it because our first was a year old and we were staying with my parents, they dont believe in sex before marriage and we were already "shacking up". We were young, 24 (me) and 20. We were having communication issues, she was always cranky and wouldnt talk or listen to me, i would in turn retreat into myself. I started working at the library, and during my downtime i would play pool on Yahoo. Well during a game I struck up a conversation with a girl that stayed halfway across the country from us, like the equivalent of going from florida to texas. Anyway, being that I was young I had just recently started using the computer and I was enamored with it. I could pretend. Yeah I know its deplorable but it was what it was at the time. I would tell people all kinds of things because I liked the shock factor and the conversation. Well this particular person I talked to everyday on the computer at work, and one day I told her to give me her address because I was going to come and see her. The only thing I really knew for a fact about her was her first name. I should have NEVER said that either way because of the lying period but also because it was just not true. I had no intention of going I believe I just wanted to feel good about myself, and if she got excited about that idea(which she did) then I had gotten what I wanted. To make matters crazier, we didnt even have a car let alone the money for me to be traveling across country, I have only still ever visited the surrounding states. Well this day my fiance (now my wife) comes to pick me up and she sat down at my desk to wait while I closed up. She saw the line of im-ing, and she sat on it because we were going to the movies that night. After the movies it started, adn ended with me in the hospital because I had tried to get her attention by using knives to poke myself and get her to listen. Yeah I know it was dramatic and stupid, and they will not let you just leave the hospital when you do something like that. I wont do something that cowardly ever again. She had called off everything and was plannig on leaving me but she stayed while I was in the hospital. When I got out she stayed because she didnt want her family to think I was crazy, because the fact that she had gotten pregnant at 19 was a problem enough. So we got married , and we have had talks about the affair, but she always says that I havent put forth the effort of finding out how to help her heal. I never even thought of the affair as serious which is why for a long time I felt like she was being irrational. It took years of her being on this site (shes never posted about us just read and related) and Surviving Infidelity for me to realize that yes although there was limited contact it was still a betrayal. Regardless of if i felt i could talk to her or not I should not have taken that conversation that far to satisfy my own ego. That was extremely Narcissistic. Well here we are 7 years later and she still triggers and we just had a "discussion" where I learned that I still wont talk like she wants me to about it or look up ways to help her find healing so she just pushed it down and outta sight outta mind. But she shows resentment towards me and has already told me she'll never trust me again. What do I do?
Author computergeek7829 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 thanks whichwayisup, i appreciate that. The thing is she will tell you I have done and have been doing all of that except the counselling part, and we'll be ok for awhile and then BAM out of nowhere I'm not trying enough or I never wanted to deal with it, or the rest of the conversation will be about how much I dont do or really have never done to help... That's frustrating when I have been trying to show her how I felt, and doing sweet stuff...sometimes I dont feel like she will or wants to heal...thats understandable but i feel patronized when I ask if somethings wrong and she says nothing, or if she still refuses to talk to me because "it'll start and argument" and I just want clarity and peace in our marriage...
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, ask your W if she's read postings from "Owl". His W had an EA as part of an online gaming pursuit and he chronicled much of their recovery process here on LS. Perhaps his insight could lead her and you to some resolution. I think they're worth reading, for both of you. IMO, given what you've stated, it'll likely take professional help to resolve this in a healthy way. IME, it's the tools you learn in MC which are the gift. It changes the way you process your emotions and perspective. You're young and have children to think of. Good on ya for recognizing the importance of this.
Author computergeek7829 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 thanks carhill, am i considered an OP? i will see what we can do about getting MC...she insists that its been 7 years and we (she) has healed some...enough to move forward on our own, and that i have already done some or most of the stuff on here and SI for her already so...you see the conundrum? But we still go back to the situation and we cant talk about it because of me when I am willing to talk about it because it honestly didnt mean anything to me other that self-gratification...never saw her never touched her dont even really know anything but her first name...if that was truly her name...it was yahoo pool...
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP = original post or original poster = you How far are you willing to bend to resolve this? How far is she? At some point, she will have to let go of the past and live in the present and accept that you have been trustworthy in the interceding years and that EA was then and this is now. How she gets to that point is individual. Tell me, in general, does your W have issues with clearly sharing her feelings? When she does, do you validate them? How do you do this? I really think a professional MC is where you should be if you want your M to succeed, or at very worst, fail with clarity. All of this muddy water currently flowing can last a lifetime, and life is exceedingly short....
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I don't think the betrayal itself is an issue anymore. And I bet in her heart she doesn't either, thats why she tells you she has healed from it, that you don't need MC, that you have doe the right things. But how can she feel those things and also keep coming back to it, after 7 years of marriage? Because it was at the very beginning of your marriage. She has become accustomed to falling back onto this each time the marriage, or you, has an issue she doesn't know exactly how to deal with. She has to make a decision.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'll go out on a limb and opine, dollars to donuts, she's thinking the M rather than feeling it. Occasionally, the emotions pop to the surface and supplant the cognition. Her logic says she's healed yet her suppressed emotions say she's not. Armchair psychology at its best, but such supposition is why I recommended pushing for MC, even though she doesn't see the benefit. OP, say you want her to go to help *you*.
Ronni_W Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 But we still go back to the situation and we cant talk about it because of me when I am willing to talk about it because it honestly didnt mean anything to me other that self-gratification...never saw her never touched her For your wife, it has nothing to do with what it meant to YOU (if that makes sense?) I recently had a similar issue in my relationship -- he was trying to "defend and fix" from HIS perspective. But I just needed to hear that he understood and accepted how *I* had been impacted on an EMOTIONAL level. We (women) don't NEED anything to be "fixed" -- we totally get that whatever happened, happened. Whether it's cavorting on-line or not taking out the garbage, the "action" is the least of it. It's NOT about the garbage/cavorting, it's about our emotional response to what took place. And we don't need to have our partner's emotional experience of it explained to us -- that just comes across as if he is trying to "trump", ignore or deny OUR feelings. It does nothing to acknowledge OUR emotional experience of the same event, and it also prevents us from receiving the understanding and comfort that we need/desire at times of our painful emotional responses. Does this even make an iota of sense to the general male readership? Cos I'd not at all be surprised if it just all sounds like Greek -- that is the look I get over here, sometimes. God love him "It meant nothing to me," in response to the fact that it obviously meant a HUGE thing to her...well, you've already experienced how well THAT works, yes? Possibly if you Googled "active listening", you might learn some techniques for helping her feel heard and understood. Sort of, if she says, "It made me feel disrespected and unattractive," then you want to be able to GENUINELY respond in a way that lets her know that you GET it; that you get HER experience; that your heart is saying, "Yeah...I totally can see how it would have left you feeling like that. That would've sucked!" It's a tad more involved than that, of course. You can also work with an individual therapist to learn what "active listening" is all about, and how you may be able to use it to move your relationship forward. Best of luck. EDIT: Not that our emotional responses are "right" or "sane" or "logical" -- we're not looking for that, either. Just that we had this or that emotional response. At least, in my very personal and individual case, that is "all" I'm looking for.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, Ronni makes a good point, something we also did in MC, that being active listening and validating our partner's perspective. The next time such a conversation begins and she tries to avoid it, suggest to her that you really want to hear her and validate those emotions. Remember, you may not agree with them, but agreement has nothing to do with validity and support. IMO, if she refuses to co-operate and this cycle continues, the M is toast. Sorry...
Recommended Posts