loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Has this ever happened to you? Some of you might know about my recent saga with the guy who had been "the nice guy" previously a friend then dating but then he distanced himself. I have thought about things which happened between us. And how I was trying so hard to reassure him about my feelings and attraction. And I kept stumbling. And now I realize that all my nervousness and anxiety was because I wasn't so much into him as the idea of a relationship with him. Well, what turns out to have been my overcompensating seems to have chased him away which kinda sucks. But it's really interesting to analyze these things and actually figure something out for once. It reaffirms to me that things should flow rather effortlessly in a real, true mutual attraction.
tkgirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 " ...things should flow rather effortlessly in a real, true mutual attraction." yes, this has happened to me... in a way... except I did feel there was a mutual attraction, I mean we slept together FGS! anyho... what I concluded was that we were in "different places" in our lives, but honestly? I don't know WTF happened and I'm still pining for him a little... mind if I borrow your last sentance for my "mantra"?
Author loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Yes, tkgirl, you may borrow my line. My head was such a mess the entire time with this guy. I blamed it on me having issues to deal with but now I see what was mixed up was my reality vs. what I wished were my reality. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a bit of the same from him. More of a desire to want a desire to be together than an actual desire to be together. Recently, I've been reading a lot of the threads on this forum and it kind of sparked me to remember how the times when there was a true desire on my part to be together with someone it was a lot different.
tkgirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Yes, tkgirl, you may borrow my line. My head was such a mess the entire time with this guy. I blamed it on me having issues to deal with but now I see what was mixed up was my reality vs. what I wished were my reality. I wouldn't be surprised if there were a bit of the same from him. More of a desire to want a desire to be together than an actual desire to be together. Recently, I've been reading a lot of the threads on this forum and it kind of sparked me to remember how the times when there was a true desire on my part to be together with someone it was a lot different. I think there's interest and then there's INTEREST! same goes with attraction... BUT! I also feel that when the timing is right for both then it will flow together right. There are some many variables, so many things that can get in the way of things working out... I've cried so many tears over this guy. Just really frustrated because it seemed like things were good... but I never knew where his head was at. I don't think he knows either, which is why he still pops back into my life now and then... but that's another post. I just have to keep reminding myself that if things were really meant to be, we would be together...
Author loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I think when it's right it does work out. I think we're so in love with the idea of love and there's such a stigma on being alone that we create things in our mind to compensate for our reality. Most of us want to connect, I believe.
start-fresh Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I went through a very similar situation except I was the guy she was trying to reassure. Part of the reason it failed was because of my crap I had to deal with, but at the same time I sensed something wasn't right. It just felt like she was so urgent to have a relationship with anybody that if I didn't reciprocate I risked losing her, much the way you said you were in love with the idea of love. I think you're right in that a natural, mutual attraction should just flow. The whole thing was so much angst we just ended up parting ways and ironically, I still kinda pine for her too on occasion.
Author loveslife Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I went through a very similar situation except I was the guy she was trying to reassure. Part of the reason it failed was because of my crap I had to deal with, but at the same time I sensed something wasn't right. It just felt like she was so urgent to have a relationship with anybody that if I didn't reciprocate I risked losing her, much the way you said you were in love with the idea of love. I think you're right in that a natural, mutual attraction should just flow. The whole thing was so much angst we just ended up parting ways and ironically, I still kinda pine for her too on occasion. It sounds incredibly similar. I actually feel incredibly guilty. We were getting along great but I think, like you, he sensed that something was off. I kind of flipped out (too much pressure on myself) and I think he just didn't want to or know how to deal with it. But he could be back. And I have no clue what I would do then. Uh, yeah, I thought I wanted you but really I didn't...
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I think there's interest and then there's INTEREST! same goes with attraction... BUT! I also feel that when the timing is right for both then it will flow together right. There are some many variables, so many things that can get in the way of things working out... I've cried so many tears over this guy. Just really frustrated because it seemed like things were good... but I never knew where his head was at. I don't think he knows either, which is why he still pops back into my life now and then... but that's another post. I just have to keep reminding myself that if things were really meant to be, we would be together... Isn't that completely selfish of him though? Didn't he knew that you felt more for him? He's playing an emotional tug of war with your feelings.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It sounds incredibly similar. I actually feel incredibly guilty. We were getting along great but I think, like you, he sensed that something was off. I kind of flipped out (too much pressure on myself) and I think he just didn't want to or know how to deal with it. But he could be back. And I have no clue what I would do then. Uh, yeah, I thought I wanted you but really I didn't... It's always so easy to stumble during the dating stage. Like literally for me ( I fell down the stairs ) We're not given manuals we just have to go through the motions of things. Yet when it seems they've gotten inactive or become nonreciprocating, we start getting paranoid and over think things.
tkgirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Isn't that completely selfish of him though? Didn't he knew that you felt more for him? He's playing an emotional tug of war with your feelings. yep... it was very selfish of him. Which is why I told him the last time he did it to leave me the F alone... he said he was very sorry and that he didn't mean to upset me... and so far he has left me alone. Why do I still miss him? I have no idea... Anyho, didn't mean to hijack this thread... relationships should be easy... but the reality is sometimes they just aren't.
paddington bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I guess it's good to (after the anger, the mourning, the wailing and 'why me-ing?) to sit down and take a hard look at your own attitudes and how that may have contributed to the breakup. However, personally I'm swinging between doing this in a healthy way i.e. Hmmm, wasn't so good to do this, next time I'll take note not to act similarly, what signals were there that I ignored and so on. But then I also swing totally the other way and totally beat myself up 'you stupid idiot, you should have know that this would have happened, why didn't you pay attention to all those warning signals, you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Fool!!!' All's I'm saying is the former is probably better than the latter
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I am a bit competitive, or was anyway. If I wanted a man to want me...I somehow got it into my head that I wanted him very much. Then, when I "got" him (if I did)...I found I really wasn't that interested. Worse, when I didn't succeed, I took it to heart...and beat myself up over someone I may have been curious about...but certainly didn't "need" or probably even want. Glad thats over.
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