mammax3 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Another thread prompted this one. It's been years since I dated, and I've never tried while I've been a mother. Their dad is not involved so I have no weekend 'off' to develop my social life; I've always got kids around unless I get a sitter (very expensive). The man I'm seeing is a great guy on a lot of levels and in many respects we really click. In many important ways I think we make a good couple although there are a few things which I could do without (of course as there's no such thing as perfection). The idea that a spark can 'grow' as two people get to know each other really intrigued me as I don't have the weak kneed, intense butterflies that some of the other posters seem to have. I've heard of couples being friends first and then realizing they are in love, or that they've developed the intensity. No one can answer this in my situation, but I wonder if it's due to the fact that: I'm somewhat gun shy due to my break up with my ex 2 years ago or because my kids are my focus and I can't devote as much attention to dating or because I'm just interested in being friends at this time or because that sort of response doesn't happen anymore in non-young people What are your experiences with the 'spark' or butterflies? Does not having them necessarily mean that it's not a good relationship? I'd appreciate your input, whether from a personal experience or advice on mine. Thanks in advance!
neowulf Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Another thread prompted this one. It's been years since I dated, and I've never tried while I've been a mother. Their dad is not involved so I have no weekend 'off' to develop my social life; I've always got kids around unless I get a sitter (very expensive). The man I'm seeing is a great guy on a lot of levels and in many respects we really click. In many important ways I think we make a good couple although there are a few things which I could do without (of course as there's no such thing as perfection). The idea that a spark can 'grow' as two people get to know each other really intrigued me as I don't have the weak kneed, intense butterflies that some of the other posters seem to have. I've heard of couples being friends first and then realizing they are in love, or that they've developed the intensity. No one can answer this in my situation, but I wonder if it's due to the fact that: I'm somewhat gun shy due to my break up with my ex 2 years ago or because my kids are my focus and I can't devote as much attention to dating or because I'm just interested in being friends at this time or because that sort of response doesn't happen anymore in non-young people What are your experiences with the 'spark' or butterflies? Does not having them necessarily mean that it's not a good relationship? I'd appreciate your input, whether from a personal experience or advice on mine. Thanks in advance! What your describing is the age old struggle between expectations and reality that we're all faced with sooner or later. There are a lot of people who will choose partners for very practical reasons. It doesn't mean they don't care deeply for them. It simply means that rather than relying on the all too rare "spark", they're relying on judgement. There are many schools of thought on this, but it appears to boil down to expectations. If you're both pragmatic and willing to accept that your relationship is once of choice rather than "passion butterflys", then together you can work to build something enduring and supportive. This is the way many arranged marriages function. However, if either one of you is waiting for that "spark" and it's something neither of you is able to let go of, then you're going to end up focused on it. That in itself is going to cause issues. You also have to deal with coming across someone someday that you do have an intense physical attraction too. If that day comes, you're going to have to walk away from that feeling and honour your commitments. Providing you feel you can do that and your partner is aware that you're not feeling "butterflies", then yes, i think you can build a solid relationship.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 This is something I have discovered in my current relationship. I really liked the guy, but there wasn't "spark," or butterflies. The more time I spent with him, however, the more I liked him. And the weirdest thing - I got butterflies at 3 months into the relationship one day when we were meeting up and he was driving up in his truck. I get giddy when I get off work on my Fridays because I know I'm going to go see him. This is totally foreign to me (that it took awhile for this to develop). I had these feelings right at the beginning with my ex. But it took 3 months with my current SO. I think it can have a lot to do with being more careful due to being burned in a previous relationship. I had the butterflies and "spark" with my ex and look how that turned out. So I don't rely on that as an indicator of anything. I'd say compatibility in general is much more important. I'm being more careful this time and I really think I've chosen a good man. And it's a good thing I didn't rely on feelings that I consider to be fickle, or I might have overlooked this one.
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