Bizarre situation - my friend is the OW - thoughts?

[pn2008c]

So I have a friend who's involved in a situation that personally I think is pretty MESSED UP!! What are YOUR thoughts on this...

 

She's young (turning 19 ) and not very experienced. Recently she broke up with someone who I felt she deeply loved, she said it was over a major disagreement they had because they're a long-distance relationship. It had to do with them meeting up or something. Well she said she didn't feel he cared about her feelings or loved her so she ditched him.

 

But throughout most of their relationship I saw them as being truly in love. They matched up so well, they were as compatible as could be, and she said many times she believed he was the one for her. They'd dated about 18 months, and met up like 4 times. Even before they dated they were best friends for a good long time, since she was a young kid. She had feelings for him and he knew it but he never acted because of her age mostly, but once she got older and he'd gotten out of a bad relationship he started to fall for her, and they went out. She was happier than I'd ever seen her before when she was with him and she'd been with other guys before him too..

 

Their plan was for her to move to him this summer...But she (understandably) got really nervous about it. So then he decided he'd make the move... but his family got in the way and really screwed with him. (It's a long story but it's not pretty, his family is really bad). So she started thinking about moving to him again, but I think the stress got the better of her. With her ex's family really messing him up, he was also under a ton of stress and it ended up making them fight.

 

Well like two or three weeks after she told him she wanted a "break", she started to get hooked up with this guy online. She has "talked" to him on and off since 2006, but never gotten personal with him - until now. Now she seems to think he's the love of her life... Brace yourself for these facts, and let me know if you think this sounds sustainable at all:

 

* He's at least 22-23+ years older than her.

* He is MARRIED and has TWO CHILDREN at least one of them being a toddler -- and of course in his words his wife is a b... from hell and is "THE PROBLEM" in his life (And of course my friend is the solution! because she's so amazing)

* He has, or so he says, separated from his wife and is living with his family. He and her do spend a lot of time on the phone. He is also long distance (Albeit not as much as her ex).

* In the past, this girl always said she wanted to wait to think about having kids and first focus on college and her own life (and her ex respected and agreed with that, I know her ex pretty well too)...Now she is saying she is ready to have kids with this guy and they plan to have unprotected sex - or maybe already have! (and remember, they've only dated for about a month!)

* He has told her he has disabilities - most notably a potentially life-threatening heart problem. He's whined to her about how he can't get medical care (found a way to blame the wife as I understand it).

* He has already complained to her about his supposed money problems. (again blaming the wife) He tells her his bank accounts are close to empty and that his wife takes all his money to "spite" him.

* Sounds to me from what she says and what I've heard others say who have been around the two of them online in chat rooms, that their conversations are mostly one of two things: sexual, or extreme displays of affection and promises of "forever" love.

* He promised to divorce his wife ASAP and move in with her. And he constantly tells her about how "Good it will be" once that's done, so they can "Just be happy building a life together."

* He begs her not to "Give up on him." In short it sounds to me like maybe she has a sixth sense that something is up but he is REALLY working at wearing that down and invading her deep emotion.

* In contrast to her relationship with her ex, she's been much more tight-lipped about this one. When she was with her ex she was proud to tell the WORLD she had the most wonderful BF. Now she lets most people believe she's single or, oddly, lets a handful believe she never broke up with her ex.

 

The even freakier side to this is that I mentioned my concern to another very close trusted friend, and all I gave was his name...And she said that the name sounded VERY familiar to her...We checked some facts and it is possible (we can't really confirm it but it's possible) that one of her friends had been CONNED by this guy. As I said we can't 100% confirm it but there are a LOT of facts matching up (his location, his looks, his name, etc.)

 

And some peculiarly strange bits of info are also creeping into this... This other girl said he had met her in person and SHOWERED her with affection, she did have sex with him... a month or two down the road he persuaded her to send him a bunch of money (help with the divorce, moving, etc), then he disappeared and she got a report from someone that he had "died"... But now we're all questioning if he died. Because she said this guy had given her a similar story - he has a life-threatening medical condition, and he has money problems, and a bad wife. To me it's just too freakishly coincidental for this to be a complete fluke.

 

Of course I worry about my friend and I know I probably cannot STOP this from happening - she has to learn things for herself - but I'm just curious as to what your guys' opinions are on this. To me, even if the con-artist bit isn't true, the relationship seems really fishy - something seems extremely out of place.

 

And as I said I know her ex to, and he's completely torn apart. He admits that he had some real issues in his life mostly with his family and he wrongly took some of it out on her, and he's already apologized to her but she didn't budge on it because this other guy had already come into the picture. He's been doing the NC thing with her about a month now but it's really killing him to have lost her, especially this way. He loved her deeply.

 

When they were breaking up she told him she just needed some space and a break but they could probably work things out after she just takes some time off to find herself...He was devastated but took some consolation in her words...Then less than a week after they have this conversation the MM is telling her he loves her and she eventually falls for it and tells her ex to screw off.

 

My take on it is this and as I said let me know if you agree or not, or what your thoughts are:

 

* Sounds like a rebound to me. I do believe she loved her ex with all her heart, she was on top of the world with him. And I don't even think she truly wanted to leave him. I think just stress got the better of her and she gave up in a cowardly fashion. But obviously she missed the affection and love he gave her, so hence this sounds like a rebound, since this guy suddenly started laying it on thick. Rebounds already are known to have problems.

* The relationship sounds as if it is built on sex or the desire therefor. They talk about sex and what they want to do constantly, in fact it tends to be the majority of the conversations I've been told about. He seems AWFULLY anxious to get in her pants, and even convinced her to stop taking her birth control!... (remember I said he wants to have kids with her or so he says... and he already has young kids with his wife!)

* Ok, a MARRIED guy? Come on. Seriously. If she doesn't want her ex back can't she at least find a single guy? Again this is why I think we're talking about a rebound. He just happened to know exactly what to say to her to make her fall for him in her weak emotional state.

* Everything I've heard suggests the chances of a married guy leaving his wife/kids for another woman is slim at best - because as long as she'll give him what he wants (sex, money, etc) he can have his cake and eat it too. So I think he's just stringing her along here...

* 23 year age difference involving an 18 y/o? The two of them are at VERY different life stages. As friends this can be just fine, but as a romantic committed relationship?... I just don't feel it's sustainable to begin with.

* And seriously... Him falling in love THAT fast? It SCREAMS of "waiting to pounce." He started telling her he loves her LESS THAN ONE WEEK after her and her ex broke up. And at the time they had broke up, I know she still had very strong feelings for him and was even considering working it out. That is until this guy sauntered in.

 

Well that's the story... It's messed up to say the least and I have nothing but bad vibes about this. As I said I know I probably cannot STOP her from doing this but I'm mostly just looking for opinions and thoughts on this

 

Thanks

 

--PNC

[dobler33]

pnc - as far as i see it you have to ascertain which of these two realities is the accurate one. if, as you suspect, this is some skeezy con artist praying on young women, i would call the police. you'd have to be really damn sure, though. if, on the other hand, this is just an incredibly unwise relationship for your friend, there is nothing you can do to stop her. in fact, the more you tell her to stop the more likely she is to throw herself into it even harder. it sounds seriously fishy to me, too, but if he's not actually doing anything illegal i'm afraid she'll probably have to get her heart broken before she figures out what's wrong with the picture. we all emphatically insist upon making our own mistakes, learning our own lessons. to her, this is truly spectacular. her experience of love and being loved is totally real to her. trying to convince her otherwise will merely put you on the outside of her experience and cause her to stop trusting you.

 

that being said, if this guy is a con, turn his a** in.

[White Flower]

PNC,

 

This girl needs rescuing from herself! I'm half tempted to suggest you get her old boyfriend back in town quick and chase this M guy off! MM sounds like a real predator.

 

At any rate, she needs to rid herself of the MM. He's no good for her. It sounds as she is in deep and will need the distraction of someone she really cares about to step in.

 

Good luck.

[pn2008c]

Dobler: I actually checked in with this with a cop I know ... He told me, and maybe he's wrong but this is what he said - that there's really nothing illegal going on. He said even though it's morally wrong and makes the guy a real jerk, if he asks her for money AND SHE VOLUNTARILY GIVES IT, it's her fault and nobody can do anything about it. He said basically the only thing we could get him for is if he used force, blackmail or something similar against her. As long as she willingly submits to his requests, we can't do crap. Sad, because I think most would agree he's brainwashing her and screwing with her head.

 

And she's 18 almost 19 so age doesn't count either - she's a legal adult, even if he is in his freakin 40s. It'd only be if we had proof of him going after an under-18 girl, which we don't have. The other girl I talked to was 19 at the time she got conned as well - and we still can't confirm 100% that it's the same guy. We never know if he was/is using fake names, prepaid cell phones, fake e-mail accounts... Creating a false identity especially online is a bit too easy these days!

 

WF: Heh I know her ex would absolutely love to help her with this one. He still loves her. Thing is you're right she's in way over her head but I think the events of her breakup with her ex are still too fresh in her mind for him to be able to help at all. He told me he's truly worried for her but he knows if he tried to help her, talk to her about it, anything, that she'd blow him off and/or think it's a ploy to win her back (because it's obvious he still deeply loves her and would like her back.)

 

Either way, I worry for her too, and I feel bad for her ex. I don't see her as being this type of person, but I suppose a combination of all the factors - being inexperienced, under stress from the breakup, the MM saying and doing exactly what he knows she wants to hear and see happen, and so on - was just too much and her rational thinking gave up. I remember her telling me back in March that she wasn't sure about this - that she really didn't know what to feel. But a couple of weeks later she was totally into it and "committed" herself completely to this jerk.

 

I guess all we can do is sit back and wait, and HOPE to HECK that this guy won't do anything really seriously bad to her...

 

--PNC

[GreenX]

Your friend, who was conned by someone who sounds like this guy, does she have a picture of him that you can show your friend?

 

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do except wait for the fallout, she will come running to you or her ex when this fails. All you can do is be there for her, on her terms.

 

It's true, she will fight harder to prove to everyone that this is true love if you all jump in to stop her. Life lessons aren't always fun, sadly.

[2sure]

The "ex" is a moot point. He is gone, history, a long distance friendship that didnt work out. At her age, she probably finds more pleasure in any relationship that is more tangible than that one - even a bad one.

 

Making mistakes, dealing with jerks, getting snowed is all part of the learning experience. The kind of life experience her previous long distance relationship was not able to give her - good or bad.

[Gamine]

This guy has to be really good at manipulation if a 40 something year old man, who is broke, married with kids, and who is also suffering from heart disease is seen by a young attractive 18 year old woman as being desirable. He has to be a manipulator of epic proportions and you are correct for stepping in.

 

Does she have any family members who you can speak with who might be willing to "take this guy out back" and give him a good talking to? Someone needs to step in and read him the riot act.

 

She has been coaxed into even wanting to have the sick, broke, married, 40+ yr. old's baby. She is in need of an intervention... big time. However, she may not care and it may make her go for him even stronger.

 

So, I'm back to someone giving this pervert a good talking to. I am not one who advocates violence of any kind. However, my father would have taken this guy out back and straightened him out... along with my brothers... and they would have explained to him the hazards of associated with continuing his actions. If he were 'for real' and truly loved her... they would be able to fish that out of him. If he were a skank, he'd run.

 

I had a psycho who was stalking me for years. I was an executive in a company and he was an actuary for a pension benefits company. We had a meeting at work and the guy became delusional and wound up making my life miserable through his stalking/obsession for close to 4 years. He showed up at the office one day and sat in the receptionist's area stating "she has to leave work some time..."... well, a guy in the office went downstairs... took him by the arm... escorted him outside and told him that he would beat the ever living crap out of him if he ever showed up again. This guy was never seen or heard from again.

 

Sometimes, that is the only thing that will work with a psycho pervert.

[Lizzie60]

What a long post.. I'm too lazy to read it.. so I only read the subject line and the first sentence.. but I'm sure my thoughts will be the same after the whole post.

 

IF she's your very best friend.. then you got to respect HER choices.

 

IF you don't like it.. just tell her you don't talk about it.. simple..

 

It probably won't last anyway.. so just be patient.. she's young.. it'll pass..

[Montclair0011]

The only part of this that really sets of the major alarm/sprinkler systems is the unprotected sex and possibility of pregnancy. Anything other than that (or an STD) will be no more than MAJOR life lessons when this all shakes down. This girls sounds too dumb to be believed (are you sure you are not a gifted troll?)

 

If you want to help your friend, maybe focus on getting her to stop her riskiest behaviors (although I bet she won't listen, but try).

 

What I don't get is why this guy would be going after a 19 year old for money. Does she have any? Wouldn't it make more sense for a grifter to go after middle-aged executive women or rich widows.

 

Not adding up.

[me003]

There is not much you can do here. If you try to stop it you will look like a hater and she may end up dumping you instead. This is something she will have to learn herself. When she does you should be there for her.

 

I hope this ends fast. Also I didn't read all your post, but maybe she has nto even met this person and i did see a program on TV where a woman coned a man for so much money and it turned out that it was not even a woman but someone from S Africa.

 

As far as unprotected sex, again, it is her choice and hopefully she gets lucky and never catches or gives anything. Some STDs I heard are not detected by blood tests unless you specifically ask for that test. I think it was herpes that is not even tested when you donate blood. (Scary, but I guess its not transmitted that way either)

 

Good luck to your friend.