KineticID Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hi I just signed up for this forum because I have no where else to turn. I've been in college for 2 years now and I'm doing a summer college program. I hate college because I can't get a girlfriend. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always so nice to girls and do whatever they want. I always talk to them when they need help with something. They always tell me that I'm their "friend." Why am I always in the friend zone? I hate not having a girlfriend!
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Tell me, how many of these girls are your friend, really? Listen to your problems, call you up to go to the movies, ask about your elderly grandma? See, they're really not your friends. They're using you. If you want female friends, expect them to reciprocate the friendship you offer them. All that said, if you want a girlfriend, you have to expect girls to reject your romantic/sexual interest and for that rejection to affect you in a healthy way; a relative stranger has rejected your offer for a date. Express that interest early enough and your chances of romantic success improve. BTW, nothing wrong with having female friends, as long as you don't want more. They're great to network with for finding eligible dating partners, as well as to help you understand women better. IMO, you don't even need a girlfriend. Just date different girls and enjoy single college life. You're only young once
paddington bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm sorry to say that this is probably because you're nice to girls and do whatever they want. I'm a woman so don't advocate treating women like crap, however, instead of looking at the girls you want I'd advise you looking at the men who get the girls. How do they act as compared to you? I bet they're not always there for the woman in they want, don't drop everything for them and so on. Being too nice sometimes means that you are doing yourself a disservice, as it's seen as being, no challenge, boring, know right now that he's into me, so I can go off with other guys and he'll still be there waiting and so on. I'm sorry to say that girls, particularly at the age you're at want that emotional excitement 'does he want me or not?', by showing them that you like them, by doing things for them, you get rid of all that expectation. You are the prize to be won and you've just handed yourself to them on a plate by being helpful and nice. Now...when you are no longer in college women might really appreciate these attributes, but right now...you might need to act like more of a bad guy to get the girls (whether you want girls like this or not is another matter). In any case, I will let the men elaborate on this whole topic.
samspade Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 To echo the two previous posts, you're probably too nice and allowing the women in your life to become "friendly" with you. And, you are putting too much emphasis on getting a girlfriend. Date different women, then when you find one who has proven herself worthy after time, you can consider being exclusive. But I agree with carhill, enjoy college, stay single for now! To avoid the friend zone, avoid the following: - Long chats on the phone with girls - Listening to a girl's problems, especially about other guys - Going on dates that last longer than an hour or two (unless it's moved into the bedroom ) - Divulging everything about your personality early on - be more enigmatic - Attempting falsely to appeal to her sentimental side - talking about how nice you are, giving her flowers, writing long letters. Instead, engage in the following: - Flirt more. Don't be crude, but be a little devious. Own your sexuality. - Speak in your lowest register. - Stand up straight, keep your head up. Exercise and stay in shape. - Be positive and fun. If she starts bringing up her problems or drama, excuse yourself. That's for her GIRLfriends to listen to. - Be funny. Women love a sense of humor. - Tease her. Don't be mean, but tease as a boy would a girl on the playground. (Do NOT tease her about her weight or her looks.) Stay away from the girls who have already friendzoned you for now. Find some new ones to work on. Once your female "friends" see how much you've improved, it may raise their eyebrows. Now get out there and get some!
JanaJ Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I found this on a blog...It should explain why you're having these problems Mistake 1: Being Her Therapist Girls sort guys into four categories: Long term relationship (husband material)Short term relationship (Few weeks, summer flings, one night stands.)Friend / Jokester (The guy she goes to when she wants to be entertained)Therapist (The guy she goes to when she is having a bad day) By being a therapist, listening to her problems, and trying to “comfort her”, you fall into the “therapist” class. Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t listen to her, but there are certain topics that shouldn’t be talked about. Ex-boyfriends and the time that you got beat up by your little sister (DLV) are two of them. Many guys play the therapist cards but don’t play their attraction cards. Therapy doesn’t attract a girl, but it could make you her friend. If you notice, many good looking girls go for the “bad guy.” You can be sure that this guy doesn’t listen to her problems. Mistake 2: Buying her things Many guys seem to think that buying girls things will get her to like them. Buying a girl something, especially before you are seeing her, is a big mistake. What it shows is that you are not confident and think that you need “things” to attract her. What she wants to know is that you have confidence in yourself and that you believe your personality will attract her. I rarely spend more than $10 before I sleep with a girl, and that’s if i’m feeling really generous. You don’t need to use money as an attraction tool. Mistake 3: Being too submissive CONTROL – it’s a loaded word. Girls want a guy that is in control of himself, his future, his situation, and her. Girls don’t want to be able to controlyou. “The last thing that I want is a guy that I can control. A guy that I can control doesn’t have a chance with me.” This is one of the most common statements that I hear. The key to attracting a good-looking girl is to be different than the other 99% of guys. If you are the same as everyone else, why would she want you? She wants a guy that challenges her and doesn’t show too much interest. Guys often think, “If we don’t do what she wants, then she wont like me!” In reality, doing what she wants shows her that you are not boyfriend material – you are just like everyone else. Hope this helps. The blog is called Gatsby's dating guide. They have other tips too -Jana
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, as you read, be sure to understand that following this path will include necessary amounts of rejection, often accompanied by derision, anger, and gossip. Fair warning A critical step, and this will apply to life in general, is to care less. The person who cares the least has the most control. That sounds a bit ugly, but it is true. Caring less will help you out of the friend-zone....
paddington bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 OP, as you read, be sure to understand that following this path will include necessary amounts of rejection, often accompanied by derision, anger, and gossip. Fair warning A critical step, and this will apply to life in general, is to care less. The person who cares the least has the most control. That sounds a bit ugly, but it is true. Caring less will help you out of the friend-zone.... too true Carhill...I know this is kind of off topic, but how does one learn to care less? That, I think, is the hardest thing in most situations with people you are attracted to, simply not caring either way.
kizik Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Wow. Some really, really excellent advice here that I will keep in mind. I am not the OP, but I love these responses.
carhill Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 too true Carhill...I know this is kind of off topic, but how does one learn to care less? That, I think, is the hardest thing in most situations with people you are attracted to, simply not caring either way. I actually learned most of the tools in MC, as I watched my wife proceed with nearly complete emotional detachment. For me, it was switching from feeling the relationship to thinking it, a perspective that she has lifelong expertise with. IMO, in a truly healthy LTR/M, one should feel the relationship and be bonded elementally, but the OP isn't in such a circumstance, rather just trying to date in a healthy way. By feeling too much, caring too much and trying too hard, he fails because he is too far ahead of and too invested with each of his potentials. I know this because I made exactly those mistakes when young (and even not so young )... I've had a chance to practice these tools, both with women I've loved (unhealthily) and dealing with my D, and find them to be sound, and even healthy, when in the beginnings of a potential relationship as well as when detaching from and/or ending one. The single biggest tool is establishing firm, and even somewhat selfish, boundaries. Essentially, if X does/doesn't happen, then Y. No waffling, no response to mind f*cks. Just proceed, regardless of the fallout/response. The key is to be respected, and inspire respect. No one will like you unless they respect you. Hope that helps
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