IsaGirlieGirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I have been with my fiance for 4.5 years. We are supposed to be getting married in 4 months. Long story short: 2 years ago, I found out he was participating in adult online forums. Talking sexually with multiple girls... Telling them some personal things, but most was made up. He promised me he would never do this again. He seemed remorseful and sorry, as I was extremely upset. This seemed totally out of character. We had, what I thought, was a great relationship. We never had a reason to argue. He always seemed to be open and honest with me. Boy, was I wrong. I found out in February, that he was using the iPod touch I gave him for his birthday to sign onto AIM and talk to girls... Young girls. Not illegal, but barley legal. He's 29 and they were usually 19 years old. He made up a fake persona this time. He would search MySpace for AIM names and then IM them. This lead to "sexting" these girls while at work, while I was sleeping or out with my friends on his blackberry. No phone calls, but who cares? This was bad enough. He's now in counseling. He's "SO SORRY", but he will never be sorry enough for me. He doesn't know why he did it and he's "sick" from his actions. He says he loves me more than anything in this world. He has never been abusive. In fact, other than these 2 incidents, life has been fantastic, but I can't get over this and I'm not sure I should. I dont have health insurance so we have not gone to couples therapy. Its like Im with a stranger. He seems to live a double life. We have a great life together on the surface, but the minute hes left to his own devices, he's using the internet to chat with girls about sex. I honestly have no idea where to go from here. TWICE! HE DID THIS TWICE and this time was much worse than the last. What's next? We're supposed to be getting married :sick:I DO love the man I thought he was and who he tries to be, but Im not sure he can be faithful. I dont think I know who I am anymore... I am so confused, angry, scared and alone I feel so foolish I feel like I have been living a lie with a complete stranger for 4 years. Where do I go from here? .
LakesideDream Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You know the answer.. move on. You are still in choice making mode, not married mode. Your choice is crystal clear. BuhBye.
dunstable Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It's totally obvious. Cut your losses before they get any worse.
Author IsaGirlieGirl Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Is it stupid to feel like I am giving up on him?
dunstable Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 You shouldn't give up on the relationship if you feel it can be made to work and you truly, truly, love this man. But it sounds to me from all the evidence you give that he plans to marry you while having sexual outlets on the side - you would probably be surprised to know how many men do that. If fidelity and honesty are important to you, he doesn't sound to me that he is the one for you. But it's your decision, not mine, good luck.
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Well, it depends wether or not you believe he would sincerely acknowledge there is a problem and DO not say, DO something about it. I had a problem with lying when I first entered my relationship, it wasn't just with him I mean it was a bonafied big, bad, effing problem. The dishonesty to him was as bad as cheating, BUT he is choosing to give me a chance to rebuild trust. I'm in counselling, I do a lot of recollection and soul searching on my actions and I am making a LOT of really good progress. So, people CAN change. But, it doesn't happen over night, at the drop of a dime, so again it depends wether you think he's trully remorseful about his actions, or just sorry about being caught. There's a difference.
dunstable Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 ... he is choosing to give me a chance to rebuild trust. I'm in counselling, I do a lot of recollection and soul searching on my actions and I am making a LOT of really good progress. So, people CAN change... That is a really touching comment and very valid.
CarrieT Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Well, the first obvious step is to postpone the wedding. And, if you are living together, move out. THEN see where you two are a year from now. Maybe the injuries can be healed and you can move forward as a couple. But it will be infinitely cheaper and easier than going through an expensive wedding and a divorce if it doesn't work.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 He needs help because what he is doing could lead himself straight to jail. Especially if he tries to hook up with someone that young. Maybe he does need to be BUSTED so he can see WTF he is doing is wrong. Anyway, don't marry this guy! He is living a double life. You deserve better and more. Sorry you're hurting..Keep your friends and family close by to help you through this.
Heroic Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Would you build a house's foundation on a swamp? Run away while you have the option.
stuckinoz Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 If you marry this man - Will you EVER trust him? If the answer is even Maybe...Then you should probably re-think marrying him. Marriages have enough problems without diving head first into one that already has 'issues.' What happens if you bring kids into this? What happens if he picks up the old behaviors again? And you WILL know if he does....Go with your gut on this one! Love or not - You can't save him from himself.
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