Shadowcat Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Its funny as I am out all the time at social events you would think I would meet someone. I am attractive etc. It just doesnt make sense. Aarggh, that is what I am thinking. If someone like you can not meet anyone, how can a non-social person like me have success? Reading your thread makes me think I'd better settle for the crumbs. My MM is really a wonderful guy, if he had just not been married...
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Im sure Im no different than you Shadowcat. I dont know. I am not the sort of person who connects with lots of people. I know loads of people but really connect with few. And its funny my relationship with MM hardly felt secret most of the time. We were out together all the time, always spent the night together when we were out in the evenings. It wasnt one of those things where he just stopped by for sex. Ever. The thing is at this point I think I have finally have made him understand that I cant do the A. If I even suggested anything, it would cause havoc with our working relationship, people dont like being jerked around.
Shadowcat Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Jj, your post to me the other day was of great comfort to me. Just wanted to let you know I appreciated it a lot. Good to know there are other people the same age on the board, as non-interested in online dating sites. It feels better when you know you are not alone.
Author jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Its not easy Shadowcat. I did everything there is to do with the dating sites before I met MM. Its not something I would consider again unless I suddenly had no contact with other human beings and it was my last resort for human contact of any kind. But lots of people enjoy it. I know going back to the A isnt the right thing. For people in our situation it signals a real death of hope that you can ever ever have a full relationship in your life. Much as I still love him I know I deserve more. But I wonder sometimes, is it cruel to keep believing that there is more out there for you if for whatever reason maybe there isnt. I dont mean to depress you but that is how it feels. Maybe I gave up the best relationship I ever had because I believed I could find that with someone single and it was just a pipedream. And in this case I wasnt hurting a BS (she doesnt care) and there were no children at home so there is no damage to his family so there is not guilt on that point. Its the guilt to myself. I know he feels guilty that he isnt giving me what I deserve and it all got so messy. Im just so sick of my life in general.
White Flower Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Its not easy Shadowcat. I did everything there is to do with the dating sites before I met MM. Its not something I would consider again unless I suddenly had no contact with other human beings and it was my last resort for human contact of any kind. But lots of people enjoy it. I know going back to the A isnt the right thing. For people in our situation it signals a real death of hope that you can ever ever have a full relationship in your life. Much as I still love him I know I deserve more. But I wonder sometimes, is it cruel to keep believing that there is more out there for you if for whatever reason maybe there isnt. I dont mean to depress you but that is how it feels. Maybe I gave up the best relationship I ever had because I believed I could find that with someone single and it was just a pipedream. And in this case I wasnt hurting a BS (she doesnt care) and there were no children at home so there is no damage to his family so there is not guilt on that point. Its the guilt to myself. I know he feels guilty that he isnt giving me what I deserve and it all got so messy. Im just so sick of my life in general. And you just hit on the biggest fear OW/OM have; that we'll not find a love deeper or stronger or more passionate than the one we are leaving. It is such a quandary.
Author jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Or any love at all. To leave the best relationship you ever had for not even something moderately adequate but for nothing... a vast desert... I know I wont do it (go back) but it is a total quandry. The fear that what if you are wrong what if it just isnt out there for you and what you had wasnt the a full relationships where you have holidays etc and can truly build a life together, but maybe its as good as it gets with someone you truly love. Look at the Charles Kerault story... I dont know. Its not like he would even entertain it. After pushing him away so firmly I would look like an idiot saying actually I changed my mind... and it would kill me inside to sign up for less than what i now know I want. And what if he said actually its not the same anymore, you were right we killed the connection with everything that has happened since we broke up... I dont know. I dont know at all. I hope this passes.
fooled once Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Your posts are always posts I look forward to reading. I envision you as someone who has gone through hell and come back the other side. You have such great advice and offer support in ways I can't even begin to type. Hang in there --- don't be upset with yourself for your thoughts and know that while it IS hard, you are much better off. *hug*
Author jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks Fooled Once. That is really kind. Im beginning to think its a case of those who cant do teach.... its always easier to be objective when you arent emotionally involved. I spent so long believing that I could change my life, sort myself out, take control of my future... I dont want to lose hope but its become challenging...
GreenEyedLady Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 JJ: I just want to say stay strong and remember you can get what you want, eventually with someone who will be available to you and put you first. You're doing great woman! GEL
me003 Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Or any love at all. To leave the best relationship you ever had for not even something moderately adequate but for nothing... a vast desert... I know I wont do it (go back) but it is a total quandry. The fear that what if you are wrong what if it just isnt out there for you and what you had wasnt the a full relationships where you have holidays etc and can truly build a life together, but maybe its as good as it gets with someone you truly love. Look at the Charles Kerault story... I dont know. Its not like he would even entertain it. After pushing him away so firmly I would look like an idiot saying actually I changed my mind... and it would kill me inside to sign up for less than what i now know I want. And what if he said actually its not the same anymore, you were right we killed the connection with everything that has happened since we broke up... I dont know. I dont know at all. I hope this passes. I feel the same... I have gone out on a couple of dates and I have not found the connection I had with MM. He became my BF and lover and pain all in one. I am in my 30's and I still can't seem to find a single guy who I connect with or who is worth my time. I just don't understand why MM is the best thing that has happened to be in the last 4 years. I feel like I might spend the rest of my life alone or settling for a single guy just so that I am not alone. And if this happens wouldn't having been with MM been better than just being with someone to not be alone? I know this is long, but I relate on so many levels with you on this particular post.
norajane Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 JJ, did you keep a journal? Write drafts of letters you never sent? Or perhaps you can go back and re-read some of your old threads? Pain is a funny thing - once you're over it, it's hard to re-feel it, truly feel it in your bones the way you felt it as it was occurring. So it becomes easy to trick ourselves into remembering only the parts that felt really good. But if you can go back and at least read your thoughts as they were when you were frustrated and in pain thinking of him with his wife and how you felt like you were second place and eventually how you felt disrespected...it can take you back enough to realize that yes, what seems to be a vast desert of nothing at the moment is still better than being caught in the midst of hoping for a MM to come through for you and constantly being disappointed and hurt. Not only do you not have that frustration and sharp pangs of disappointment now, you also have gotten over your feelings for him to a point where you CAN offer your heart to someone else. While you are with MM, that's just not a possibility if your emotions are engaged. Hang in there. There is an oasis in that desert and I'm sure you'll come upon it in time.
wildsoul Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 (((jj33))) I just have a quick minute because I have a houseguest here, but I want to say: It's just another layer AND it makes sense with your weightloss too. I've heard from countless friends that as they shed pounds OLD emotional energy sheds too. I think it's a sign of progress, even though you can't tell that yet. Similarly, someone said something to me today on a different subject but it's a life lesson that rang true. Right before your biggest breakthroughs, you have a breakdown. Keep on going. It means you're CLOSE to breakthrough! Glad to see you posting. Don't white knuckle it alone. Oh, and I have a friend who met the absolute love of her life at 55 years old. They're getting married soon. She thought she'd never never find love again. And I agree with OE: 50 is the new 35! It's true.
Author jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks all. I have paid enough money for a downpayment on an apt to a therapist who keeps telling me he is still in love with me and that is why he is giving me mixed messages (duh - and who cares hes still married) and that I just need to focus on me. When it was really bad I was seeing her a few times a week or I dont know how I would have coped. Now its better. NJ dont you worry there are some things I wont forget. They are seared in my consciousness. And even he has admitted that he knows he cant make the kind of committment to the relationshp he needs to for me to be happy in it but "its only because he is married" - what is that some sort of self validation - you ARE married - is this I could if I werent just telling you I am capable. And WS I sincerely hope you are right and that I am on the verge of a breakthrough. All the cleansing one does is suposed to cleanse you mind body and soul and other than the urge to eat pasta carbonara with spinach and proscuitto (a vegans nightmare) I thought Id escaped that bit. But maybe this is it. Maybe I am purging my last longings. I dont know. I spoke to him today briefly he lost someone close to him. He sounded so sad and alone.
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 JJ, you're gonna be fine..Once these feelings pass, you'll feel much stronger and know that you are doing the right thing for YOU. It's OK to miss him and miss what you two shared..But, you don't want that dynamtic back, the affair-mode. Stay strong!
OWoman Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 JJ, right now you're the one with the power. If you were to go back to the A you'd cede that - and it wouldn't be the same as it was, you'd always be the one who cracked, the one who needed him more than he needed you. It would wreck your R and you'd walk away with nothing - not even the good memories you have now to look back on. He knows what he needs to do if he wants you enough. You know this. By staying where he is, he's signalling that he's not (yet?) ready, able or willing to make that call. You don't want that emasculated version of him - you want the version of him that rises to the challenge and wins through. Going back to the A would short-change both of you. Your longing is not for HIM - it's for the man you hope he'll grow to become.
Author jj33 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 OWoman as usual you got it exactly. If I go back to him after bludgeoning him to stay away I cracked and I am not into games but I have realized there is a definite power dynamic going on here. And I would be saying I will accept anything just to be with you. And that will not be attractive to him. Exactly exactly right... it would not be the same if I came puppy dogging after him. If his heart was ready or it was what he really wanted, he would find a way.
White Flower Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 OWoman as usual you got it exactly. If I go back to him after bludgeoning him to stay away I cracked and I am not into games but I have realized there is a definite power dynamic going on here. And I would be saying I will accept anything just to be with you. And that will not be attractive to him. Exactly exactly right... it would not be the same if I came puppy dogging after him. If his heart was ready or it was what he really wanted, he would find a way. Excellent point JJ and OWoman. He is the one staying in touch, flirting, and confiding sadness to you because for him there still is a connection too. Let HIM decide what he needs to do to get you back. Let him know you are standing your ground and adhearing to your own standards.
HisSweetThing Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 And you just hit on the biggest fear OW/OM have; that we'll not find a love deeper or stronger or more passionate than the one we are leaving. It is such a quandary. This is my biggest fear. How can I walk away when this is the only true love I've ever known? What if I never find it again?
White Flower Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 This is my biggest fear. How can I walk away when this is the only true love I've ever known? What if I never find it again? I think you just have to have hope. You don't 'get' if you don't 'ask'. I decided that if I believe in it, it will happen. You have to open youself up to that or you will always be imprisoned by this man and for what? A few hours each week if you're lucky? You decide what is best for you.
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