jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I dont know why but all the sudden after a year of being glad of being out of the A, for some reason tonight I found myself thinking maybe it wasnt so bad. Its not even possible to get back into it. If push came to shove I wouldnt do it. And we dont have the same relationship anymore. But suddenly I found myself thinking wouldnt it just be easier... I know it wouldnt and Im sure I wouldnt. And I dont think he would (I was much more than he bargained for). Im sure this will pass.
Soaked Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm sorry to see you feel down today... *hugs* I got some of those days too, but like you said, not leaving is just easier. For me, sometime I missed the companionship, but I think I deserve a true companionship, a real life partner. I know, maybe by some chances I won't find that, but not leaving for sure I won't have any chance to find a real life partner that I am long for. I hope you'll feel better tomorrow.
Soaked Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm sorry to see you feel down today.. *hugs* I have some of those days too. But like you said, not leaving is maybe just easier. I think sometimes I missed the companionship, but I know I deserve a true companionship, a real life partner. I know, maybe there is a chance I won't find what I am looking for, but if I don't leaving then for sure I won't have any chance at all. I hope you'll feel better tomorrow.
norajane Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 But suddenly I found myself thinking wouldnt it just be easier... Easier than what? Being alone? Doing the hard work it takes to get through the heartbreak?
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Its been almost 2 years I think Ive done my time getting over heartbreak.
norajane Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Then it seems easier than being alone? Or easier than meeting someone else? Yeah, sometimes it can seem that way, especially if you didn't walk away with bad feelings toward him. I think that's a difference between affairs and other relationships. Affairs usually end for reasons other than you've lost interest, or are sick of him farting in bed. So the attraction and desire is often still there, even if you're angry with him. The highs are still high. But, the lows...no, it's not easier to deal with those than being alone. It all washes away when you do meet someone you are excited about, though. That's worth waiting for.
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Thanks Nora and everyone. I know you are right... The problem is we never really walked away entirely. We dont have the old connetion anymore. I cant stand seeing him. No interest in chit chatting with him. So much water under the bridge. But we rarely see each other in person. Its mostly phone and email. And that is not a problem. Im just so tired of it all. And there is no escape... and in 2 years I have only been on one sort of date but not really a date. I know its not what I want (the A) but as we are in such close touch it would just be easier. Our lives are so intertwined its just gotten very tedious. Bu I know its not what I want. I just need to continue to ignore his presence and speak to him as little as possible. Ive gotten better at keeping him at a distance. But its like hes always there. Either he emails me or calls or someone discusses him etc. There is no getting away from him. For a long time I was battling it and I was winning. But now I just miss him. I know its a fantasy. It isnt what I want. But I look back and think this time 2 years ago we were so happy, having so much fun... and what am I doing now instead, steeling myself to avoid contact with him day in and day out. Its gotten really old....
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Maybe its part of moving forward. I am making a lot of little changes in my life for me (health exercise diet etc) and that should spur me forward. But it hasnt. Its just made me look back...
White Flower Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 JJ33, Have you tried to meet someone new? Dating websites or through friends? Have you really opened yourself up to trying to meet new people?
NoIDidn't Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 It will pass. These moments are normal. Even decades later. Like NJ said, when it doesn't end with bad feelings, its definitely easier to remember the good times and to miss them.
Ronni_W Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 changes in my life for me (health exercise diet etc) and that should spur me forward. But it hasnt. Its just made me look back... However healthy, new routines and eating regimens can send the psyche on a frantic search for ANYTHING that is "old and familiar." Suggest to try to satisfy your need for 'known and comfortable' as best you can...safely and sanely, of course Hang in there, JJ -- this too shall pass!
sugarmomma Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hang in there JJ!!!!! You can DO IT!!!!! I'll be your cheerleader:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:
sadintexas Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Just want to send you hugs. I know how hard those thoughts/days are.
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Thanks everyone. Im 50. The dating opportunities arent the same as when you are younger. And yes I have done all the typical things but no success to date. I couldnt go back to it, its not what I want, but sometimes it seems tempting.
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 We never had a d day but last night I dreamt that we had one. In the dream he lived in a big apartment, W was in bed reading. I was in a bathroom next to her room and the door wouldnt close fully and it was open just a crack and she saw me standing at the sink. I knew immediately that she saw me and she came out and started screaming at me for being in her house. Interesting in so far as even in the dream she didnt care about the A, she was just annoyed that I was in her house. I just wish it would stop. All the dreams, all of it.
Stepone Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 JJ .. it is so easy to think like that, you are only human... and fantasies are not necessarily even bad, are they. It will soon get so "old" you won't even notice it any more I think. "old" is better than painful... you've come a long way! The fact that it ended on a "good" note, with no terribly bad feelings towards each other is a blessing but also has the unfortunate side effect of making you wonder what if, or long to make more memories with him. How about thinking about the possible bad consequences if it had continued? I am not just talking about the inevitable pain and loneliness, and the possibility that it would have got too intense or nasty for you to maintain even this business arrangement. I ended mine definitely prematurely - I know there were so many more potential good times to be had. But I could also visualise what could go wrong... in my case.. him getting bored of me.. the sheen coming off each other.. him starting to disrespect me for participating (and vice versa) , him resenting me for putting a wedge between him and his family.. not to mention throwing me under the bus someday in the manner we read about every day on these forums! Am sure there are equivalent bad scenarios for you aren't there? List them now! You made a lucky escape girl. hang in there. 50 isn't old at all and you seem such a clever, kind, funny and thoughful woman - I mean it - I have no doubt you will NOT spend your next 50 years alone! The Karma bus will come soon enough - and thank heavens, you won't be the one under it! Wishing you strength and love!
Stepone Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Oh yes and the thing you said about new regimens not seeming to help. I don't know if you find this but for me, the more "self improvement/ home improvement" I do in a bid to make me forget about him, the more I crave him around to appreciate my sparkling new self. Typical!! Grr..
OldEurope Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 J, 50 is the new 35 these days. Some of the most beautiful women I have seen are in their 50s, and I do not mean this as "pep" talk. And more than once have I heard men, who perhaps were once married, now divorced, say that they prefer a woman around their age; who may not want (anymore) kids, whom they prefer for the emotional maturity...When a woman really takes care of herself, the possibilities are all out there... ...I know this doesn't "help" but a tweak of attitude could change your perspective... Tell me, is it at all possible to do a lateral move in your work? Surely you are successful enough (as it "sounds") that you could reconfigure things a bit? Is your work totally "dependent" on your (ex) MM such that you are "trapped"? Could you "take" a small financial tussle for a while to get away from the guy? Methinks you are truly getting "tired" and ennui might lead you to resume something you will later regret. I am wondering if you don't need to just get away all together... xo OE
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Stepone thanks - you did NOT make a mistake. Never forget that last day he came to your house. NEVER. You are better rid of him unless all you wanted was quick sex. OE - thanks so much. I like to agree. I hope in a few months time to look as good as I did in my 30s. Im just overwhelmed. I have spent years establishing myself in a very small niche area and now that I am just starting to make a real success of it it would be crazy to move out of it. His business is complementary and there is a synergy there. Again its a small area so there arent many players. Also we work really well together and despite everything else, I trust him. I know he looks out for me and that is something you cant say about many people in business. And he is great with customers and a pleasure to deal with but for my silliness. So it is what it is. I am hoping by the fall when I have everything in my own life sorted out that maybe I will meet someone new and I wont care so much about our interactions. Maybe this is just part of moving past it, I am finally feeling the void because I have accepted that there is no going back. His phone rang me this morning by accident (heard him bickering with W on the voicemail message....)
Montclair0011 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 jj33 - I'm around your age and also alone. It sounds like you are ready for dating again and I would encourage you to try. I know how horrible it is on the on-line sites, as I'm on them, but they are the best way to find someone. It only takes one. I did find someone I was nuts about and it did not work out, but I'd hate to have missed that. I would suggest that you keep revising your picture and bio material and keep writing to guys (cause if you are like me, they hardly ever write to you unless they are in prison or thinking you are rich or have mental illness). You just have to keep trying, develop a thick skin, and not get too obsessed. One foot in front of the other. It's better than sitting at home being miserable--actually it IS mostly sitting at home being miserable, (but more comfortable than sitting in a bar being miserable) but every once in a while you get a fish on the line and it's a little more interesting.
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Thanks Montclair. Been there done that. Tried all sorts of dIfferent websites etc not doing it again. I went out with LOADS of people (almost 100 over the course of it - good picture maybe too good seemed to attract the wrong sort) It was definitely not for me. I have found that I am best just meeting people in the course of my life. If its meant to be it will be.
2sure Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 At this point, although you certainly feel you are missing something...it doesn't sound as though it is HIM. Who wouldn't miss having a connection with someone? Especially a private, secret connection? Who wouldn't miss affection and intimacy? Those are valid things to miss. When they are not in our lives, we feel the gap. We fill the gap with other fulfilling relationships - not work, hobbies, etc - but relationships with people. Friends, family, etc until you are either fulfilled OR ready for a romantic relationship. Your plan is good and healthy.
CAMAYPARK Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 JJ, are you sure its him and you had fun? What about all the rollercoster rides that he put you through? All the off, on, off, on stuff? You have done the most difficult bit now, please don't go back. There isn't a back to go back to. You just have to keep moving forward
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 So sorry you are having a rough time right now, I truly hope things start getting better for you soon. Its fantastic you are focusing on the healthy eating and exercise though, doing that will release endorphines and help lift your mood a bit so keep up the good work! You will start to feel much healthier too as you lose weight and get fit. I cant remember - did you say you have tried sleeping tablets? Your dreams about xMM are really vivid and it must be horrible waking up in the middle of one of them or remembering all the fine details, argh. It is unfortunate that you still have the constant reminders of him in real life as well but short of changing careers that will always be an issue. It is how you react to it, you will hopefully get to the point one day where it will no longer upset you. I guess some days must bother you more than others about still having to be in contact but it is far from ideal that you are sort of 'forced' to have some kind of involvement with xMM. You do sound really settled in your field though and are obviously very successful and love what you do so from that perspective it would be a shame to have to change jobs on HIS account. Seriously though, I dont know how you have coped with it all. Hope you are feeling a little better today. {{{hugs}}}
Author jj33 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Thanks. I do miss him, well parts of him. I dont miss the rollercoaster and I know as long as he is married that is inevitable which is why I wouldnt do it. But I dont know sometimes. He called me today on some pretext and it was as if we were still together. I guess that is the problem, there is no actual relationship but the ties havent been severed in any real way. I went out with someone tonite who is married and told him if he knows anyone to introduce me. He said he knew people but they were all too young. Suprising as he is my age but you never know. He also asked me if I wanted to come work with his company but the more we discussed it, it wouldnt have worked, both our businesses would have suffered rather than there being a synergy. We are better off hiring each other. I cant imagine changing my job I have my own successful company in a very niche area, what would I do? Work at 7/11? I am not trained for anything else have never done anything else. Tho I may have to move my office. I had a huge fight with the office manager today. They cant provide the services I need. Which is yet another stress. Its funny as I am out all the time at social events you would think I would meet someone. I am attractive etc. It just doesnt make sense. I think I am just overwhelmed by everything. And
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