shadowplay Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 So one of my male housemates has turned out to be a real dick. I need advice on how to handle him. Because I have a lease, I'll be living with him (and two other male housemates who are both cool) until the end of August. I'll briefly go through the history. When I first got to know him, I picked up some cues that he had this weird, nasty streak. It was subtle stuff he said offhand in conversations, like bitterly ending an anecdote with, "I didn't like that girl anyway." Or how he was so full of contempt when talking about certain people. He also seemed to be extremely cynical and negative about everything. At this point, I didn't care for his personality but it wasn't a big deal. I just stopped hanging out with him. The last two months his demeanor got much worse. He stopped greeting me, gave me nasty looks in the hall, and left an irate letter on the kitchen table once when I had left a few dishes in the sink. After that letter, I made sure to do my dishes after every meal and never leave any of my stuff around (not that I had much before). The irony is I had cleaned up his post-cooking mess on several occasions when he had left dishes out for days at a time and practically trashed the kitchen. There were other things. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I liked Emily Dickinson and he launched into this diatribe about how she was a talentless, "horrible wench of a woman." How she couldn't possibly be a good writer because she was such a recluse in her later years. He got really riled up, practically jumping out of his seat. It was pretty bizarre,. Then recently I overhead him say to another housemate that he was vehemently against Obama passing a bill to give women equal pay. He said: "This is capitalism! People get what they're worth." The implication being that women aren't worth as much as men... In general he fits the bill of a beta male misogynist: loner (never seen him with any friends), a bit dorky on the surface, full of rage, passive aggressive with sudden random outbursts of blatant aggression. Still, I felt like I could deal with him. Things worsened when I was out of town for a few days (this is my first day back). He sent me a nasty email that he had gotten me in trouble with the landlady about something, basically that he had gone against his word about something we had all agreed upon. I responded that he had given me no warning and gone against his word, and that he never confronted me about any of his problems despite acting pissy around me. My response was civil in tone, though. He responded with a litany of names/swears. His first line was "**** YOU" followed by a host of other insults. He also listed all the things that I had done to bother him, most of them gross exaggerations or completely untrue. There were a few legitimate gripes in there. He pointed out that I hadn't bought as many house supplies as the other roommates, but I pointed out to him that problems like this could have been easily resolved if he had simply come to me and asked that I chip in when he went shopping. I told him "I can't read your mind," and he said "I guess you're too dense." I tend to be pretty distracted, especially when I have a lot of school work to do, but I would have been more than happy to fix whatever was bothering him if he had simply confronted me about it in a civil manner. I mean he could have had a house meeting, or found some other mature way to resolve this. The reality is I'm a pretty tidy person, and his complaints were trivial compared to the extent of his wrath. He ended his email by saying that from now on he wouldn't be passive aggressive, he would be flat-out aggressive. I just got back home, and I hear him around the house. How do I deal with this guy? I feel uncomfortable in my own house. For example, he's in the kitchen right now and I'm honestly kind of scared to go in there. The landlady is kind of a nutcase, btw, so she's not really a good person to go to about this.
Citizen Erased Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Haha he obviously is crushing on you Yep. Just be really nice to him, that annoys the heck out of people. If he feels the need to be petty and aggresive, do the same. A nice laxative in his coffee can't hurt either.
Author shadowplay Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Yep. Just be really nice to him, that annoys the heck out of people. If he feels the need to be petty and aggresive, do the same. A nice laxative in his coffee can't hurt either. Heh heh.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Does that wicked little laugh mean youre considering it?
kizik Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Shadow, unfortunately there is no dealing with crappy people. The one and only thing you can do is move out. I seem to recall you saying you're on a lease. If so, you need to find someone to take your place. The guy sounds like a complete piece of crap of a person who you won't single-handedly be able to affect at all with anything you say. I say, start looking for your own place, like yesterday.
spiracles Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 remember: august is not that far away. and not everybody has to like you. as for this guy, he is probably just in a bad place right now. there were times in my life when i was miserable and tried to make everyone around me miserable. he might pull out of it or he might not. in the meanwhile, you can either try to be nice, tell him to go **** himself, or just ignore him. all i can tell you for sure is that he is trying to provoke you, and is likely looking for attention.
Author shadowplay Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 WTF. I just spoke with my landlord. I had mentioned to her about a week ago that I was considering renewing my lease for next year. This is before my housemate sent me the nasty email. She said she had checked with the two other housemates who are renewing their leases if that was OK with them (Mr. Prick and another male housemate) and they said they didn't want me there. Obviously I don't want to stay at this point, but this really pisses me off. I'm not surprised that Mr. Prick said that, but a little shocked that my other housemate did. We've always had a very friendly relationship, and he's never confronted me about any problems. The only thing is he's become good friends with Mr. Prick, so it seems like he's been brainwashed into hating me. I don't know, it just makes me really uncomfortable to have to live the rest of the summer with two people who don't want me there. Also, it seems unfair that they never confronted me about anything. I still can't figure out what I did that was so egregious. As I said, all of the complaints this guy emailed me were half-truths and pretty trivial grievances at that. We're having a house meeting tonight (my idea), but I don't really know what to say. Any advice?
Chinook Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 At this juncture all that you can say is the following: "We all have to live here until the summer, so lets just get by. I'm not a mind reader, if there is a problem, then at least leave a note instead of acting like children". No point in re-hashing current gripes or arguments. They've drawn their lines in the sand, all you need to do is let them know you know where it is and they should too. Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd look for reasons to be out of the house alot. Join a gym, evening classes or something. Study in the library, anything to avoid the hassle of being there when they are.
LoveLace Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Sounds to me like you are the only rational mature one in that house... I"ve been there, with roommates that made me miserable. I tried to finish out the lease but it didn't happen...however I was lucky enough to have mom right down the street so picking up and walking right out, wasn't too hard...likely not the case for you... Seems like these dudes are idiots, too much so that it's highly unlikely they will try to see your side of things. I say if you have the means to move out now, just do it. I think you'll be happier. And it does help to get out of the house a lot, as chinook said, but at the same time...I always had to return to this miserable place I called home. It's no way to live!
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